Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Denial vs. Deprivation

I have been sick with some sort of weird virus cold hybrid thing for about a week now. While I feel ick it's been cool to not feel sick in the head. In the past I have melted down when sick because of not being able to work out. I have really stressed over my intake. This week I didn't. I listened to my body. I gave it what it wanted, nutrient rich foods, more fruit then usual one day, rest, and then I went to the gym for 30 minutes on Friday because I felt sort of human. I refused cupcakes not once but TWICE. Yep, TWICE. Sorry for yelling I am just that amazed. I just did not feel like it. I was not interested in sweets or comforting myself through food. This is a huge breakthrough for me. Typically when I am sick I do want to comfort eat and you know what it makes me feel worse because 1. Not giving my body what it needs and actually wants, and 2. I have the push pull of food related guilt. This is not something I was consciously working at this week. I stayed vigilant and aware and kept it in the back of my mind when making my decisions, but I did little things. When I had a salad I had Parmesan cheese on it so I skipped the olive oil and just had lemon juice. I was getting the fat from the cheese and I could enjoy it guilt free because I had made a slight adjustment. I am trying not to take things to be such big signs, but it feels good to have lost again this week despite being ill, but to also know I played a part in those decisions. I feel more and more like I am living a lifestyle instead of losing weight. Deprivation is not good. You immediately think about what you can not have and over indulge, denial is empowering. It felt good to make my choices and feel good about what I was doing for myself despite feeling craptastic and just wanting to sleep. It felt good to not stress about missing spinning and just going home and resting. It feels really awesome to actually feel like I am learning how to listen to my body and not just go through the motions or still make guesses at what it's saying. It was saying feed me yummy things like arugula, chicken, tea, and let me rest and I did.

I have more to write on about some social stuff, but I am not sure how to talk about it...First things first I suppose I have to come clean and make a confession. I was sort of cheating on myself. There's a dudeski. He's a bad idea. I am clear on this. I had moved on, and distanced myself and then he sort of came back around. I do not know what I want from him. I do not think it's romantic because like I said he's a bad idea. Well this weekend that was completely and totally confirmed. He's not only a bad idea, but he's just not someone I have time for. It's weird to start feeling more cutthroat about who and what I have time for and can deal with but it's all about protecting yourself. Being around this person would not be a wise, healthy, or self protecting move. I get caught up on people's potential and seeing the positive and sometimes do not see who they are actually choosing to be. I make excuses, or forgive too much. Maybe now I forgive too little but for now it works for me. I have so many people in my life I would like to spend time with and do not get to why waste time with someone who is hell bent on running from themselves? I feel mentally pretty sound and healthy but why chance it? I have a self destructive streak a mile wide and do not need a huge amount of encouragement to dance down that path. I like to check out, punish myself, and do really dumb stuff. I shouldn't say I like I did. I used to like it because it's what I deserved and thought I was worth. I think I am worth a lot more then a mess. I am not a mess. I am someone who has worked hard, and been striving for better and it does not make me a better person then anyone else, but it does make me more discerning about who I give time and attention to. If everyone regardless of behavior can be my friend and be around me, then why should you be nice, smart, cool, funny and have your ish together? Why not just be a hot mess and call it a day come one come all? I already let myself down enough in the past and surrounded myself enough with people okay with letting me down. Not doing it again. Especially without any investment.

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