Monday, September 30, 2013

No Man's Land

Sometimes I feel like I am in this no man's land. I'm not really fat but I'm not really thin, I'm not really plus size, but I'm not really straight sized either. It can be frustrating if I let it get to me but lately I just overall feel really positive. Lately I feel very present, and aware that there is nothing wrong with me. 
I am fine just the way I am, and I am fine wanting to move forward. The best way to get out of no man's land is to not let yourself hang out there. 

Telling myself I was in this place was mentally keeping me there and holding me back. I wasn't in some weird zone of am I or am I not okay. The outline of my body doesn't really determine my place in life. My attitude does. 

I find myself lately thinking about kindness. How much I value it. How much it can shift things and how easily it can be practiced. I have made a more pronounced effort to treat others with kindness and the super cool thing is it's making me treat myself with more kindness. It's making me take a step back and just look at my actions or motives. Not judge them, just go so what's this about. Two weeks ago I was working 20+ hour days, and one night everyone was tired, grumpy and over it. We ordered pizza. When in doubt feed the crew. I thought about it, because when it's pizza delicious. I took a beat and just said are you hungry, no, I'm cold and the pizza's hot. Cool, so really what you need is something warm, would tea suffice? It did. Not beating myself up or criticizing my impulse made me actually suss out and get what I wanted. 

I've been snazzy'ing up my outfits, taking time to blow out my hair in the mornings, getting to the gym and generally prioritizing self care and the things that make me feel good. The best part about this is I am doing the because they make me feel good. I am not doing them to ingratiate myself with society, or be more appealing to men, or because I feel the need to apologize for not being smaller. I am okay with taking up space, I am okay with garnering attention, I am okay with my outside matching my inside. 

I feel good and that is a good thing. I don't have to apologize for it, couch it in anything, or defend it. I'm just gonna let it ride. I don't feel this dramatic almost manic upswing I just this sense of yeah, I'm not perfect but I am a-okay with it all. 

Deep side part, don't care. 

Pilgrim Puritan Realness. 

You can't see the elephants on this dress, but I love them. 


  1. Love this post!

    Kindness is just so much, I think. It can change everything.

    I am so glad you are being kind to yourself.

    I struggle with taking up space and with accepting attention. I love that you are open to it and I find that inspiring. :)

    I love your posts! You are beautiful inside and out.

  2. I came across your blog in search of fellow food addicts/ recovering food addicts. And I'm sure glad I did. This post specifically reached out to me especially "The outline of my body doesn't really determine my place in life. My attitude does."

    Can't wait to read more!

  3. Hi Kayla, thank you so much. Very kind of you to say.