Tuesday, January 14, 2014


I've debated in my head whether or not to go into this but I figure I generally share snippets of my life and struggles here so this shouldn't be any different. For the past few months I have been feeling different. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I kept putting it down to being sick, or my job being stressful, being tired, this that and the other. Then I realized I might be depressed. 

Depression is a weird thing. I have definitely had moments of it, but it's usually very brief for me and it's taken care of itself. What I actually began to explore though is have I always had these ups and downs and covered them up? Have I used food, pot, putting on a happy face in the past? This is very possible. What's been sort of freeing and weird is I am not sad, or anything I am just really flat. I usually feel capable of being a 10, bright, interesting, funny, blah, blah blah, but lately I feel like I hover at a 7. What's been cool is I don't feel apologetic about it. I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, but it is annoying. It was really brought home to me when I went to Australia. I was like this is so cool, but I just did not feel like I was reacting with my usual levels of enthusiasm. I constantly feel like there's a wall between me and other things. I also just feel this sense of apathy. Kitchen's a mess, meh who cares, haven't mailed that form in, whatever that's what tomorrow is for, this is not good. 

I snapped to and went to see a psychiatrist, who works with eating disorder patients. He was really cool and SUPER interesting. He's like this is extremely common, food is a form of self medication, and you do probably have a depressive disorder. Okay cool, now what? He put me on a mild dose of wellbutrin, and explained it helps boost the levels of dopamine in my brain by getting my brain to produce more. Well that sounds great lets begin! I do feel a bit better a week later, but really sure this is a placebo affect at play. What was really interesting is what he explained to me about sugar and dopamine and carbs and serotonin how certain food cravings can suggest what chemicals your brain could be having a hard time producing. He also explained while he can't eliminate my predisposition to addiction he can help reduce it and make it easier for me to stay in control of it. Yes please. I HIGHLY suggest everyone watches this Ted video about how sugar affects the brain. I mean I highly doubt I will ever not want to eat all the sweet things, but it would be nice to be able to have a cookie. A cookie. Not all the cookies. 

I'm not big on not dealing with things so that's why I sought out some help and answers. The biggest thing that motivated me though was I've done a lot on my own, and gotten some amazing results. What if I could keep doing the same things with some help, if the flatness and fogginess could be decreased, if I could not be wasting my energy just trying to keep up, but I could be moving forward. 
A side effect of wellbutrin can be weight loss, and I would 100% be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me, but more then anything feeling like myself would ultimately be the best thing. 


  1. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about a feeling of apathy and just not feeling like "yourself." Good for you for recognizing what was going on and reaching out. That can be harder than it sounds when you're caught in that cycle. Glad to see a post from you again as well!

  2. I love that you shared this. I also love that you continue to take care of yourself.

    Please update us, if you don't mind. :)

  3. I miss your posts. Mostly, though, I hope you are okay. Thinking of you, Anna. :)