Friday, March 25, 2011

Let me just save us both some time

I have written about my ex before. He has this unbelievable knack for popping up on my radar when I have turned different corners about him. For the record I did delete his number, but his new trick is blocking it so I answer unknowingly. It's like him, sneaky, insistent, and no regard for boundaries.

It's been about 2 years since we broke up, and it's been probably a year since I have seen him. I've moved on. I wasted enough time floating along on that drama cloud. He has been calling me lately and it's weird. It's like time has frozen for him. He talks about getting a job, getting his life back together, us and more. It's absolutely insane to me. I am beyond not tempted, I am just neutral. I am not angered by his ridiculous fantasies that the past could be rewritten or he could change. He can't, because in order to change he would have to admit there was a problem, and once in almost 5 years he was capable of that. Once. His admittance to when realizing he had been a rather crap boyfriend when I asked why he didn't just let me go was I loved how you made me feel. That to this day is just something I can not un-hear. I can not pretend that someone I thought I loved, supported, and lost myself totally in only loved me in terms of themselves. To his defense I did partially design it that way. He didn't know me and the parts he did were fragmented and still some what doled out at my discretion because on some level I always knew I couldn't trust him with my feelings. We had an emotional power struggle for over 4 years, let me tell you from experience this is thoroughly exhausting and should be avoided at all costs.

I do not love him anymore, have some doubts about whether or not I actually ever did, and just want a lot more from my life and loves. I guess what I wonder now with him laying some groundwork before he is back in town in May is does he have any place in my life? I think not. It's just boring, it's like creating drama just for the sake of it, or to feel less alone. I am single, and I am okay with it. Sure, Sunday nights would it be nice to be on the sofa with someone getting my TV watch on but there are many things I like about being on my own. What I like most, is I can count on me. I can count on myself to not let myself down, to be present, to protect myself, to think of my feelings. These were things the ex played lip service to but did not really get how to practice. I like my life the way it is and the direction it is moving in. Someone who never really cared about me is not going to threaten it. I get hung up on whether or not this requires action. Do I need to actively address anything with him? His follow through is terrible, he generally says a lot and does very little, and he's really good at making me feel crazy when I bring things up or set limits. These things lead me to practice avoidance. Something inside me though feels protective enough over me and my new found happiness to not welcome him into it, or let him think he has a chance in it.

I expect a lot more from myself and the people I surround myself with. The first rule would be you can't suck and having problems is not an excuse to suck. He sucks. He sucks as a person, he sucks the life out of you, he is an emotional vampire. I am leaving the emotional vampires behind and have to actively do something about it now. No more checking out or coasting in life, food, or relationships. I have to lady up and deal with this.


  1. oh girl, i hear you on this. i have an ex just like that. i haven't heard from him in a while now, but when my (now) fiance and i started dating, he'd call at late hours, leave long rambling (drunk) messages, text all the time, and it was so infuriating! he sucked as a boyfriend and then of course he was being a pain in my butt and causing problems in my new relationship, ugh. hopefully your ex gets the hint and back off soon too.

  2. Sounds like you are most definitely on the right track to fully healing and closing this emotional wounding! Keep on doing what you're doing Anna :-)

  3. sarahlearns- They have some sort of sixth sense of when you might be happy and they need to upset it I swear. He'll back off I just have to make him I see now I can't be lazy about it I have to make a point.

    Heather- I sure hope so, it's been a long road and I do want this chapter closed. For realz. Thanks for the support.