Thursday, March 17, 2011
Color me Exhausto
I have some emotional stuff on the back burner. A good friend found out their father has a brain tumor and terminal cancer. I usually can find my words. I was completely stumped. His Dad is an awesome person and I know him personally and adore him. It's just too sad, horrible and tragic for words. I feel for him, my friend and their whole family. I hate feeling powerless and just having to bear witness, but it's what you do. I can't fix it, and I can not eat the feelings so tonight I will work it out. I can send positive thoughts, love, compassion and that's about it, and as for me managing how ick it makes me feel I can try to cardio it out.
There's some other stuff to, but it's not really worth going into full on detail because it just exhausts me further and gives it more attention then it's worth. I am stopping the cycle of obsession right after I chit chat with ya'll for a moment about it. In discussing with Marisa though she highlighted something interesting I had missed in my obsessing. I am learning how to stop. For so long I never stopped. I just kept going. When I got home, I ate, or did other unhealthy things, with relationships I stayed in them too long, or practiced over sharing. I did not stop. I stop now, and totally missed the articulating of this development. I sort of noticed something had shifted and changed, but like other things just couldn't put my finger on it. I have more confidence in life that it will play out, and I can deal with however that playing out transpires. I also live less under an illusion of what is and is not in my power to fix. I can barely fix myself. It still requires a lot of effort, support and help so I REALLY get it these days I can not fix someone else. I was really good at losing myself in other people's problems before. I think getting involved made me feel important and connected and again it was a form of selling myself, anna the fixer instead of just anna the friend. Now I get it, if you don't want to change you're not going to, and I certainly am not going to be able to get you to change.
Back to stopping for a minute, I question myself sometimes, am I stopping or quitting, and if I'm quitting is that a bad thing? I think some times you have to quit. You have to look at what are you gaining here? If it's a pat to the back or just a stroke to the ego does it outweigh the negative. Not always. In fact rarely. I used to get involved in all sorts of things, saying yes when I meant no. It left me resentful and angry because the ego boost was fleeting. I ended up angry at myself. You can't be angry at who you said yes to, not their fault you said yes. I id'ed this a while back because I knew resentment was a trigger for me. I stopped saying yes when I meant no. Now moving forward how do you say no when you really did mean yes? It takes confidence and one I have now. I have the confidence to know what is and isn't in my best interests. What does not work for me. It feels good to see this and to know I can practice stopping. It shows up in weird places, a dudeski I was hanging with commented on something I said, saying I didn't know that about you. How could he? We've only hung out a few times. It was nice to have that thought for a second and realized I had not vomited my life story at him hoping to connect faster then can be expected. I have the confidence we'll get to know one another form a real friendship and learn about one another at a pace that actually builds something rather then falsely represents. You can't fake true intimacy, whether it's with friends, work, love or yourself it just leaves you hollow and might cause the eating of feelings. It takes time to grow and stopping to adjust and move forward. Whether it's new relationships forming or old ones being modified sometimes you just have to stop the madness.