Mish Mash

I am still on a roller coaster of the past cropping up. It's not so bad. Some memories, some hazy, some clear, some still completely abstract and just impressions of feelings. I am in the right place for them to be happening and that's pretty cool. It's also pretty cool to be doing my best to embrace it and ride it out, and not distract or do anything to suppress it.

I am still losing weight and I am 1.5 pounds away from my lowest weight to date. That is next week's goal. Numbers do not rule my life but I would be completely lying if I did not say they matter to me somewhat.

I read an interesting post today over on mythunderthighs.wordpress.com about being more then your weight, obsessing, and about where you direct your energy. For a while being in recovery and learning how to live without an eating disorder for the first time in my life I was obsessed. My new way of living was my passion, where all my energy went, and what my life revolved around. I think for a little while it had to. I came to a place though where I realized just like my eating disorder, and weight had defined me now my recovery was. I did not want either to. I was learning how to be me outside of these things. It took time, learning, exploring, and not being afraid. I had to just try things. I had to be my own experiment. What did I really care about, enjoy and feel passionately about with all the other crap removed? It's been an amazing process. I feel passionately now about staying healthy, mentally and physically and know I have to stay on top of that but life does not revolve around it. I try best I can these days to do what's best for me, continue to learn and define what that is, and move forward. Lately it's been gallivanting and having a good time and just moving further and further beyond my comfort zones and the old rules of yonder. Sometimes you do need to drink vodka, stay out late, and then crawl to work out with your trainer the next day. Will I do it every Friday night, no, but right now I am young, single and need to have fun and celebrate the fact that I am alive, well and happy. I spent so long miserable sometimes aware of it sometimes not that I can not think of a better thing to celebrate then reclaiming one's happiness. I will drink (in moderation) to that.