Sad News

My friend who's father was very ill passed away yesterday. I am attending the funeral tomorrow and look forward to being to see my friend and hug him. I will not be attending the grave side ceremony. I feel like that is something very private. While I know his family well and would not be out of place I just do not feel comfortable with it. I also HATE the graveside part. At my own father's funeral that was the part I just melted down at. I could not watch him be lowered into the ground. I felt like I should watch like it would help me or something, but it did not. I had to turn away.  For me it's not the return to earth, it's that you are leaving them. The person you love is now alone and you have to leave them there. It's the leaving that tore me up and continues to affect me for others.

My friend's father was a great man, and I feel for his family. It is such a loss for them. For my friend it's not only his Dad he lost, but his best friend, confidant, and one of the better men I have ever had the privilege to know. I know he can get through this and will but I hate that he has to.

It's put my own stuff into perspective and makes me happy family is visiting this weekend so I can just be around them, love them, and be present with them.

Fear List

I used to have a lot more fear, not so much anymore. Does not mean I live fear free. I have been going around in a cul-de-sac of weight loss. I get to this one point and then I either hang out here, or I move a bit back up. I am back at this place again. I have switched my mindset over a bit of not being obsessed and consumed by weight loss. I am more about living a life style, but have I become too comfortable in this life style? Also are there fears that hold me back? Fear is not rational but that does not mean it can not muck up your life or goals. When I first started with Marisa, she stressed the importance of giving fears a place so they did not dominate the space in your mind. Writing them down helps, and I have gotten out of this habit. I fear less and less, but that does not mean I do not fear things at all. I journal less for myself and blog more now for accountability, so why not share my fears with you? So here's the fear list.

1. I am afraid I will not get to my goal, whatever that is.

2. I am afraid of what life post weight loss is. The past few months are the closest I have come to not having a life which revolves around weight loss.

3. I have never maintained a healthy weight. Ever. This scares me.

4. What else will happen to my body. Things have changed a lot and every time I feel like I connect to and get to know it, it changes. For better and worse.

5. What else will I have to change or give up to move forward?

6. What emotional landmines are waiting for me? Will anything else come up?

7.  How much longer do I have to keep doing this? Time scares me. I feel like I wasted so much time hating my body, myself, my eating habits, food, I just want time to be all mine and not centered on me physically. 


These are what come to mind now. I am sure there are others. There are things I am happy about though. In the past weight loss has been stalled because I settled. I said this is good enough, and not for very good reasons. I could wear more clothes then I wanted to, a boy liked me, my mom left my alone, and I felt socially acceptable. All of those reasons except the clothes are utter crap. My mom has never been more proud or supportive and could not care less where I end up because it's my body my choice. I do not care what a boy thinks, well that's not true is it. I do care, but how I look and how I feel about myself is not determined by whether or not one likes me. As for society, that also matters not to me. I "fit in" I suppose. I do not feel outside it. What matters most to me is what I want. I want to be at a weight I stay out or around the rest of my life, and I want to maintain that weight in a healthy, disordered eating free manner. The good and bad news is I know I can do it. I know I can get there, I just have to keep doing the work. The work is not always clear, like right now I am not sure what holds me back, but I know asking myself is the first step to figuring out what that is.

Need a Change

Well I have changed a lot and keep changing. I've left behaviors behind, adjusted my new ones, but one thing remains the same. My hair. I usually keep it long, I go back and forth between bangs mostly because 1. I am lazy and let them grow back and just pin them back during regrowth, 2. because my hair is wavy no one will give me the bangs I actually want so I get weird side hair curtains instead so I grow them out. I used to be blond back in the day and take hair risks. Not so much anymore. I have found someone who can handle my wavy hair and not give me some sort of rocker mullet so I stay with her but I am in a rut. I like my hair long because other wise my face looks sort of squashed so I'm thinking no on some sort of dramatic chop so that leads me back to color. I need the below girls hair. I don't want it I need it. I've always dug roots and when I was transitioning from blond back to brunette I had ombre hair before it was cool and LOVED it. I just want to look like I surf all summer and do not have time for hair cuts. Not too much to ask really.

Side note, the terribly out of focus blond picture is one of my oldest friends Dana and I the morning after her wedding when I ended up having to stay an extra night in Philly I was so hungover. Yeah, the wedding was that fun. When I moved to England and started 7th grade she was my first friend. I love this photo, blurriness and all, almost as much as I love her.


Hair Lust:

this is from Cat Wallace at a luverly blog I recommend:

http://littleplastichorses.blogspot.com

Let me just save us both some time

I have written about my ex before. He has this unbelievable knack for popping up on my radar when I have turned different corners about him. For the record I did delete his number, but his new trick is blocking it so I answer unknowingly. It's like him, sneaky, insistent, and no regard for boundaries.

It's been about 2 years since we broke up, and it's been probably a year since I have seen him. I've moved on. I wasted enough time floating along on that drama cloud. He has been calling me lately and it's weird. It's like time has frozen for him. He talks about getting a job, getting his life back together, us and more. It's absolutely insane to me. I am beyond not tempted, I am just neutral. I am not angered by his ridiculous fantasies that the past could be rewritten or he could change. He can't, because in order to change he would have to admit there was a problem, and once in almost 5 years he was capable of that. Once. His admittance to when realizing he had been a rather crap boyfriend when I asked why he didn't just let me go was I loved how you made me feel. That to this day is just something I can not un-hear. I can not pretend that someone I thought I loved, supported, and lost myself totally in only loved me in terms of themselves. To his defense I did partially design it that way. He didn't know me and the parts he did were fragmented and still some what doled out at my discretion because on some level I always knew I couldn't trust him with my feelings. We had an emotional power struggle for over 4 years, let me tell you from experience this is thoroughly exhausting and should be avoided at all costs.

I do not love him anymore, have some doubts about whether or not I actually ever did, and just want a lot more from my life and loves. I guess what I wonder now with him laying some groundwork before he is back in town in May is does he have any place in my life? I think not. It's just boring, it's like creating drama just for the sake of it, or to feel less alone. I am single, and I am okay with it. Sure, Sunday nights would it be nice to be on the sofa with someone getting my TV watch on but there are many things I like about being on my own. What I like most, is I can count on me. I can count on myself to not let myself down, to be present, to protect myself, to think of my feelings. These were things the ex played lip service to but did not really get how to practice. I like my life the way it is and the direction it is moving in. Someone who never really cared about me is not going to threaten it. I get hung up on whether or not this requires action. Do I need to actively address anything with him? His follow through is terrible, he generally says a lot and does very little, and he's really good at making me feel crazy when I bring things up or set limits. These things lead me to practice avoidance. Something inside me though feels protective enough over me and my new found happiness to not welcome him into it, or let him think he has a chance in it.

I expect a lot more from myself and the people I surround myself with. The first rule would be you can't suck and having problems is not an excuse to suck. He sucks. He sucks as a person, he sucks the life out of you, he is an emotional vampire. I am leaving the emotional vampires behind and have to actively do something about it now. No more checking out or coasting in life, food, or relationships. I have to lady up and deal with this.

Whoops

I totally forgot to award the Matt's Munchies! So sorry. I meant to do this last Friday not this Friday. Oh well the winners are:


Sarahlearns
CMH

Congratulations and email at diaryofaformerfoodaddict@gmail.com with your address so I can send them your way.

A Little Levity

I have spoken about my pygmy animal love a few times. This link, http://www.petitelapgiraffe.com made it's way to me and I almost died of happiness thinking it was real.


Unrelated story but loosely pygmy animal related..My Mom has 3 dogs. One of the Hugo (it would have to be Hugo, who's name can be come Huge-O) is ginormous. My Mom has worried about his weight for a while, and kept saying to the vet he's obese, he's obese what do I do. Finally one day she took him to the vet and the vet said well I hope you're happy he is obese now. So my mom is living in NYC at the moment so I get to see her and the boys more often. The last time I saw Hugo, who I refer to as Oogie, I nearly died at his chubby magnificence. He is literally the cutest thing you have ever seen. I'll get a photo one of these days. He looks like a baby buffalo, or bear, some sort of creature. I told one of my besties Katie she had to see this, so we literally made plans around her seeing him,  while his fur was also extra ridonk from a recent grooming visit. Katie's response to him was, well Anna's finally done it, she convinced her mom to get a pygmy animal. I wish Katie, I wish. One day we will build our lady ranch on an island filled with pygmy animals, one day, but there will be no petite giraffe sadly.

Food Lover's Cleanse

I have taken recipes from this but not done it. Thinking about it. I could use the discipline a cleanse brings. Taking some of the decision making out of my food choices might help me in my emotional connections. I could go on eating autopilot but in a healthy way. Just kicking this around. I am not a big detox person. I have done a few and it's really more about your ego then your body. Your body is pretty awesome and amazing at detox'ing itself if left to it's own devices. You have organs specifically made for it, thanks kidneys! I guess I just want to shake it up and do more of a food spring clean. Learn some new recipes, eat some clean food and have a plan to support it.

I was inspired by Elle over at http://fatfriesplease.blogspot.com/ because she had an incident with some fries. I eat pretty well, but I also eat intuitively so there are occasional blips in the radar because I like junk, sweets, and fried food occasionally. It is a tough balance of giving yourself permission, managing cravings, but keeping a healthy perspective. I do not have to indulge each and every craving and do act on a denial not depriving tip, but when you are still figuring out what that means it can get confusing. For example, I like sweets, I am not prepared to cut them out of my life because then I will meltdown and eat a lot of sweets, however sometimes when I permit a sweet it leads to more sweets. This is a constant balancing act. I try to keep away from processed to help this. I guarantee you I eat a candy bar, or store bought pastry and I am eating far more then if I have dark chocolate or a more wholesome treat. Some of this craving thinking has me inclined to do a reset and eat super clean to figure out what do I really want. When you want sweet your body just wants sweet, your brain/you are the one who assigns the meaning. Your body does not know the difference between a grape and a brownie it just wants sweet, we're the ones who decide that the sweet we want is cake, chocolate, nutella whatever. Sometimes fruit will do the trick, sometimes tea, but other times something else is needed how do you meet those needs but keep your goals in check? I find the less I indulge them the easier it gets but when I am giving in to them all the time I get more confused, and end up craving things more. Its about finding the balance between indulging and the tipping point, I want to better understand what that is for me.


Below is a link to the cleanse. What I like the most about it is that it's a cleanse for food lovers, yay eating! I am not so down with the all juice cleanses. Juice is awesome and all but it's not what's for dinner. 

http://www.bonappetit.com/blogsandforums/blogs/badaily/2011/01/follow-the-food-lovers-cleanse.html

Challenges

I try to keep my chin up about challenges. I try not to get too bogged down, feel sorry for myself, or let them hold me back. Key word here is try. Sometimes it hard to not just submit and wallow a little bit in the challenges. Right now I have:

1. A dear friend struggling with their father dying. It just sucks and there's nothing you can do about but just be upset. I got nothing and that bothers me. I have no way to help and while this is so not about me, it's a challenge to be on the periphery and know you are helpless. There is nothing I can do to make him feel better, help his family, or even his Dad. I can listen, and that's about it, but on the other hand sometimes that's the best thing you can do. Listen, not do.

2. Work, is stressful. We have a new person in place who I have tried to roll with but it's starting to bog me down. I am feeling out of the loop, totally out of control, which I am not really in to begin with and it's starting to seep in and bother me. I do not know what to do about it, I have limited options in terms of discussion, compromise, or dealing.

3. I myself have stuff simmering below the surface I can not put my finger on. I know trying to bring this to light is not going to work, because you can not force it but lawdy is it frustrating. What are you trying to tell me subconscious? What?! You have my complete and full attention.

4. Sweets....lately I want them real bad. Last week I ate nutella, chocolate cake, and pie. Last night I had chocolate chip cookies and a granola bar for dinner. No es bueno. I am not checking out and I am making the decisions present which is almost worse. Some of it is coincidence I happen to feel a little on edge and weird, and there was a birthday at work which presented cake, and then there was a pie off at work. I just had to laugh about it and say of course there's pie. Of course. It's just so frustrating things you have previously been able to just be like cool, I see you there, but I'm not interested, all of a sudden are like yes, that is exactly what I want. It's not. It does not change anything. It never does.

5.  I walked away from a friend and opportunity. I have majorly mixed feelings about this. I stand by my decision. It had become an increasingly crappy situation. I felt drained, manipulated, blamed and dragged into something that was not my place or where I should be. That being said just because I know I did the right thing for myself it does not mean I have to feel awesome about it. I think some of the conflict comes from knowing I have often walked away from things in the past put them in a box and then never thought about it again. I want to make sure I am not doing that here, and I am 99% sure I am not. I am respecting my feelings and boundaries which were not being respected. As I wrote about before in stopping, this is stopping in a good way. It's listening to that voice that says this is not good for you, and acting accordingly. It's like any situation there are consequences and I do not love these but I know they are what come with my decision on it and I know just sitting with it is what I am getting used to.


Okay so I've had a little wallow now what am I going to do about it.

1. Get back on track. Breakfast at home in the am, higher protein focus, limit sweets especially ones that make me extra nommy. Try to get to bed at least 1 hour earlier then I am. This will help breakfast at home success and overall exhaustion.

2. Plan, plan and plan some more. I do best with a plan. No winging it when there's some emotion out there floating. I know for example Thursday and Friday I have evening plans so Thursday am and Friday am I would like to make it to the gym so I can enjoy my evening guilt free and not think about when I will make up my work outs. I can deviate from routine better these days but having a plan helps.


3. Be patient with myself and not punish. There might be more nutella there could even be more chocolate cake. I am not going to freak out. I am going to ride the wave try to remain calm, checked in and aware.

4. Journal, yoga, and work out to help with emotional management. Even writing here has helped me feel more clear headed, accountable and honest.

5. Focus on the good and positive. Overall life is pretty good and this to shall pass. I have never been more committed to doing the best I can in a way that is healthy and realistic. Part of that is accepting there will be tough weeks. There are going to be weeks that nutella whispers my name, and that being healthy, present and checked in feels like punishment not the choice I have actively made.

So so so exciting

Check me out on aprizi.com's blog http://thetail.aprizi.com! They were kind enough to get in touch and ask me to do a guest curator post! I could not have had more fun, or have been more excited to do it.


http://thetail.aprizi.com/2011/03/dress-me-shapes-pattern-and-whimsy-guest-curated-by-anna-toonk/

Love's a Tricky Beast

I have been thinking about love a lot. The love I have in my life, the love I feel for others, and the love I am terrified of. When it comes to my friends and family I love very openly, but I am not sure how much I did before. I mean I know I loved them, but it's pretty hard to love others when your self loathing is pretty all consuming. How much was I actually able to give? I think I took a lot more in reflection. I gave so much to people who did not deserve it to try to gain their love, affection, approval and more, but the people who genuinely loved me for who I was I think I sort of left out in the cold. I took it for granted. Love has always been scary and complicated to me. I think because from an early age I did not really feel loved, but not because it was so much my parents fault, but because I started sending that message to myself so young. My parents had a their ups and downs in their marriage but when my Dad died it so completely, totally and utterly devastated my mom I think I said to myself, nope not happening to me that is some scary ish. I already had a wall up, my Dad's death did not create this, but it did add another layer and it did give me another reason to keep it up. Love is scary, love hurts you, love can not be counted on.

 I saw my brother last week, he coincedentally was walking by my office and he stopped in. We visited for a bit, laughed, and when he left I wished he had stayed. When I was leaving the office later I thought I really love him, it was good to see him. My relationship with my brother is complicated, like most siblings. We're similar in personality but approach life very differently. He learns things the hard way and I have learned to step the side and let him. We differ to in that he is in some ways more emotional and sensitive then me. He is more clear in his wants, and needs. For years he sought something from me I could not give. He wanted more of my patience, acceptance, and love. I was so incapable of giving it because I could not even afford myself the same kindness. Now I see the things that used to frustrate me with him don't. I can be kinder, more patient, and see so much good in him. I do not feel the need to keep myself at a distance to avoid letting him down, failing at the role of big sister. He looks to me for guidance and part of me liked the bossy part, but never really accepted the guidance part. Guidance takes patience, love, nurturing and care. I was not able to really do this until I learned how to guide myself a little better. We bicker less because I know when to step away, not engage and not get bogged down in old rivalries. I accept while I know him well I do not always know who he is as an adult but I am learning. I am glad it is working out in regards to B. He's a good brother, and he has always been there when I needed him. He has pulled his fair share of crap but at least he pulled it open and honestly, I pulled away and left him wondering why.

As for men and relationships....this still gives me so much pause. I have a lot of male friends, and close male relationships. I'd like to date someone or have a boyfriend. Why not right? Seems pretty cool, been a while. It scares the bejesus out of me if I am honest about it. To date someone who might actually be healthy, present, and expect the same of me is completely terrifying. I do not really know how to do that. I do not really know how to be a real girlfriend. I have had boyfriends before but there was always something. There was the long distance relationship with someone 10 years older then me, there was the guy who was more obsessed with what I looked like and being a sad sack then who I was, and then there was the guy who after 4 plus years said what he loved about me was how I made him feel. I had something to do with all of these and played my own part. I was never really completely invested. I hear often from girlfriends that part of my struggle in dating is I am not vulnerable enough. I can sort of understand this but I do not really understand what to do with it. I talked to someone about it and said maybe I do not really get what vulnerability is. They said it's being able to be hurt. Yes, this would be true. While I was capable of being hurt before I did not show it, and I certainly did not show it to a guy. I literally said to a boyfriend once I got over my Dad dying I will get over you. So cringe inducing. What a dysfunctional statement. I think I thought it made me sound tough, but it really just makes me sound obnoxious. I am capable of actually being hurt now, because I am capable of admitting it, and being myself and vulnerable to it. I also can actually stick up for myself or say to someone I am not okay with that, rather then making super hurtful bold statements.  I still have a lot to learn and maybe should date myself for a little while longer, but I am not going to hide anymore in love or relationships. Love when it's healthy, and your open to being vulnerable is pretty cool. It's a lot more painful and scary when you can not even give it to yourself. I guess the order should be you, family, friends, fellas and then whatever else you have some love left over for.

Blog Lovin'

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10 Spring Crushes

A few things I am falling in deep like with right now inspired by the 70 degree weather outside:

1. Necklaces from brevitydesign.com, love the lines collection. Of course I like the feathers necklaces.

2. shirts with deep v backs, or lace backs, provided the lace does not make you look like you have a skin disease as my friend Jen would say. I loooove this one from planet blue. I would also like the model's tan but minus the skin damaging rays needed for said tan.

3. Geometric prints, the 80's are alive and apparently I think I am Bill Cosby a la Cliff Huxtable, and would like to raid his sweater collection.


4.  Mint green nails. Wish my skin wasn't oh so pale with a greenish hue cause I would be all over that.

5. This image of Lee Miller by Man Ray. She was an incredibly beautiful woman, but I love how beautiful she looks here and it's her neck. Makes me want to work some neck poses.


6. Hiking adventures with my friends, can't believe I bought hiking boots, but oh so excited. Cute boots are easier said then done. Did my best. Another shout out to Jen for spotting this site and drawing my attention to the hiking yoga adventure. http://www.outdoorbound.com

 7.  Operation organize and spring clean my apartment means new apartment details. I lust after these mugs.

8. Asparagus are in season, and could not be tastier or cheaper. Love this. They are pretty and delicious. I really, really, like to grill the white and green ones together with a little lemon on them and parmesan if I feel fancy.

9. Almost time to take advantage of how close I am to the Highline again. If I had better photoshop skills I put myself on one of those chaise lounges because that's where I be a whole lot when the weather's nice.

10. I want to start growing my own herbs, but might settle for this terrarium from http://cogandpearl.com  instead. Damn city living.

Color me Exhausto

While it might be St. Paddy's day I am just worn out. I haven't even gone out! I am not a huge fan of holidays that revolve around drinking. I am even less a fan of peeps getting up in my face at 10am wasted. 10am? Really? Cray, cray.  I do however have on awesome metallic blue shoes, pic included, and feathered earrings pic also included, and a mint green top as my ode to the day. The shoes and earrings make me feel invincible! Try not to judge the shoe pic too harshly, the interweb pic makes them look lame and they're not. They are yosi samra by the way, which are some of the best flats for miles AND daily candy's sale site swirl.com does sales on them where they are half off. True story so stock up and save. On to more then my shoes.

I have some emotional stuff on the back burner. A good friend found out their father has a brain tumor and terminal cancer. I usually can find my words. I was completely stumped. His Dad is an awesome person and I know him personally and adore him. It's just too sad, horrible and tragic for words. I feel for him, my friend and their whole family. I hate feeling powerless and just having to bear witness, but it's what you do. I can't fix it, and I can not eat the feelings so tonight I will work it out. I can send positive thoughts, love, compassion and that's about it, and as for me managing how ick it makes me feel I can try to cardio it out.

There's some other stuff to, but it's not really worth going into full on detail because it just exhausts me further and gives it more attention then it's worth. I am stopping the cycle of obsession right after I chit chat with ya'll for a moment about it.  In discussing with Marisa though she highlighted something interesting I had missed in my obsessing. I am learning how to stop. For so long I never stopped. I just kept going. When I got home, I ate, or did other unhealthy things, with relationships I stayed in them too long, or practiced over sharing. I did not stop. I stop now, and totally missed the articulating of this development. I sort of noticed something had shifted and changed, but like other things just couldn't put my finger on it.  I have more confidence in life that it will play out, and I can deal with however that playing out transpires. I also live less under an illusion of what is and is not in my power to fix. I can barely fix myself. It still requires a lot of effort, support and help so I REALLY get it these days I can not fix someone else. I was really good at losing myself in other people's problems before. I think getting involved made me feel important and connected and again it was a form of selling myself, anna the fixer instead of just anna the friend. Now I get it, if you don't want to change you're not going to, and I certainly am not going to be able to get you to change.

Back to stopping for a minute, I question myself sometimes, am I stopping or quitting, and if I'm quitting is that a bad thing? I think some times you have to quit. You have to look at what are you gaining here? If it's a pat to the back or just a stroke to the ego does it outweigh the negative. Not always. In fact rarely. I used to get involved in all sorts of things, saying yes when I meant no. It left me resentful and angry because the ego boost was fleeting. I ended up angry at myself. You can't be angry at who you said yes to, not their fault you said yes. I id'ed this a while back because I knew resentment was a trigger for me. I stopped saying yes when I meant no. Now moving forward how do you say no when you really did mean yes? It takes confidence and one I have now. I have the confidence to know what is and isn't in my best interests. What does not work for me. It feels good to see this and to know I can practice stopping. It shows up in weird places, a dudeski I was hanging with commented on something I said, saying I didn't know that about you. How could he? We've only hung out a few times. It was nice to have that thought for a second and realized I had not vomited my life story at him hoping to connect faster then can be expected. I have the confidence we'll get to know one another form a real friendship and learn about one another at a pace that actually builds something rather then falsely represents. You can't fake true intimacy, whether it's with friends, work, love or yourself it just leaves you hollow and might cause the eating of feelings. It takes time to grow and stopping to adjust and move forward. Whether it's new relationships forming or old ones being modified sometimes you just have to stop the madness.

Giveaway Reminder!

I will be giving away lashings of fruit leather tomorrow so don't forget to enter and tell me how you work on having positive body image.

This is for Samara

I like quirk and off the beaten path. I like it in my grains and a lot of places in my life. I really like it in my shopping. I shop here there everywhere. Always have, I like to pair a shirt I found in the juniors section of JC Penny covered in ponies, with my Fiorentini & Baker boots that I loved from afar for 10 years until they went on sale at barneys and I almost died from sheer excitement. There are pants involved to but I tend to keep it to very dark denim and lately black jeans. Anyway I am in deep deep like with the below site. It's good for a little from me to me gift, presents for others, and inspiration. Samara, you inspired this post with your own design loving blog, and I am sure you know about the site already. For everyone else I apologize if you grow obsessed and lose hours of your life.

aprizi.com

A Little Bit About Me

It's funny because all I write about is me, but it's this one facet. It's the weight loss, healthy living striving me. There is oh so much more to me then that, like all of us. I recently got an email from someone who reads the blog and she asked to know more, to share more about myself outside of this. I had been thinking about this recently. I feel sometimes like I have two lives. The life I live, here in NYC, at work, with friends, hobbies and so on, and then my internet life. How do you merge these two? I have enjoyed in some ways having the two places to put things. It makes me feel like it's more organized then it ever really can be anyway. In starting the sharing process I guess the best place to start is how I spend my days.

I am an Executive Producer of a motion graphics and design company. We do mostly animation for broadcast, experiential design, some 3D and visual effects. I feel hugely passionate about design and the need for it in day to day life. I also love working in production and television. It's trying, stressful, but it also is completely rewarding. I love working in a team and with really smart people who are so smart, quirky and comfortable with their unique way they see the world. I have been doing this for almost 9 years.  I started as an assistant answering phones and quickly realized I was in this for the long haul. I worked for Sony Music Studios for 5 years until it literally was brought crumbling down. The label sold it to become condos, which NYC really does not need. The sell actually gave me a huge opportunity to start Mantra from the ground up. It was scary to be 27 years old and in a big position of authority and leadership, but I loved it, and love it now. I oversee about peeps in NYC and manage our facility in Shanghai as well. When people ask me what I do I tell them I herd wild cats for a living. It feels like this some days, but really I am a visual interpreter. I take the info clients give me and work with our Creative Director, and team to make these words, feelings, emotions, and vibes have a visual language. It uses my brain in a different way and has really shaped me as an adult teaching me new ways to communicate. Now the excel docs and budget stuff drains the life out of me sometimes, but I also love the order it provides to the creative process which while exciting and intoxicating is chaotic.

It took me a while to learn how to balance my professional goals with having a life and my healthier goals. I have worked it out better now. I used to work a million hours a week now I am better at using my time wisely and not just always avoiding my life pouring myself into work. I have learned how to let go, delegate and grow my own self because I have a life to get to. I am lucky that I have worked with most peeps for a while and they have completely supported me and been right there along with me. As Fred, my business partner and Creative Director says, " When you spend this much time together you're not friends, you're family." This is true we're our own magic making little family. If you want to see the work we do check out the below.

http://mantradesign.tv

Free Music!

This is a friend of a friend's album. It's really good, I highly recommend it. I listen to anything and everything for the most part, and used to work for a record label so music was and is a huge part of my life. I love finding stuff and sharing it so let me know your favorites pretty please. Besides this I have been listening to the new Lykke Li, new Radiohead, and Bon Iver when I want to feel like a teenager. I also made a mega work out mix I am enjoying, but constantly need to refresh. Also Oh Land! Check out Oh Land, her album just came out on itunes, and it's SO FUN! Love, Sun of a Gun.

Free Album Download:

http://justjust.bandcamp.com/

Nails Like Jewels

I was going to work out last night but because walking was still a challenge I skipped it. I am a creature of habit I tend to get my nails done (when I do) on the weekend. I had a hour to kill before acupuncture so I went and got my nails done. There's a lot to be said for doing a little pampering on a Monday evening. It may not quite be spring just yet, but it is on my nails and it made me oh so happy last night and today. For a hot second I forgot about how much my legs hurt and Mondays are trying. 

Exotic Confession

I am a little less obsessed these days with the exotic but I have always been preoccupied with it. As a kid I used my allowance to buy starfruits, passionfruits, guava, because an apple or pear would not do. I even asked for Christmas and Birthdays to be exotic, perhaps from a far away land.

It does not surprise me now that my love of the exotic has joined forces with my love of off the beaten path grains. I can give or take rice or pasta. Don't get me wrong it is tasty, but I do not find it particularly filling and I can eat a lot of it so I tend to avoid them. Now quinoa, amaranth, farro, buckwheat, and oh so many more, I love. I find them tasty, filling, and they have more nutritional value. Cous-cous, pasta, white rice, have very little nutritional value, even if they are whole wheat so I just do not love to eat it, but you need to get grains and carbs into your well rounded life. Cous-cous is basically pasta by a more fun name to say, which I was saddened to discover. I really thought it was a better alternative to rice and pasta. If you like it, then eat it and love it and let me know your favorite recipes pretty please, but check out the article below for some grains off the beaten path, that I find even more exciting because they are....exotic.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/five-grains-for-exotic-home-meals/?emc=eta1

Breakfast Quinoa

I buried this recipe in another post, but here it is again. Just so we're clear I know I am obsessed, and if there is a Quinoa Appreciation Society, or Quinoa Enthusiasts I would also love to join.

This recipe is from 101 Cookbooks, which overall is a really great site about eating clean, good, real food. http://www.101cookbooks.com/


Couple of things:

I leave out the agave.
I play with different fruits.
Right now I am super into frozen cherries. 1. because cherries are always delicious, and 2. Fresh fruit in winter is not always tasty.
Using the juice from frozen fruit tends to make this sweet enough for me so I do not miss the agave.
I use almond milk instead of skim, mostly because I love almond milk. I think this also contributes to me not missing the agave it sweetens it up a bit.

Warm and Nutty Cinnamon Quinoa Recipe

I used a red quinoa here, but you can use whatever kind you like, white/buff colored seems to be the most common. Also, a few notes and tips from the book: low-fat soy milk may replace the low fat milk, blueberries may replace the blackberries, dark honey may replace the agave nectar, and walnuts may replace the pecans.

1 cup organic 1% low fat milk
1 cup water
1 cup organic quinoa, (hs note: rinse quinoa)
2 cups fresh blackberries, organic preferred
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/3 cup chopped pecans, toasted*
4 teaspoons organic agave nectar, such as Madhava brand

Combine milk, water and quinoa in a medium saucepan. Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat to medium-low; cover and simmer 15 minutes or until most of the liquid is absorbed. Turn off heat; let stand covered 5 minutes. Stir in blackberries and cinnamon; transfer to four bowls and top with pecans. Drizzle 1 teaspoon agave nectar over each serving.

Serves 4.

*While the quinoa cooks, roast the pecans in a 350F degree toaster oven for 5 to 6 minutes or in a dry skillet over medium heat for about 3 minutes.

This is War

I have talked about how my legs, lower body continues to frustrate me before. I was sort of coming around to accepting it in some ways. This is just where I am losing at a slower pace. It's also classically where I have been heavier so therefore the loss in some ways is in proportion. I saw Egon, my trainer on Saturday and he had mentioned we were really going to focus on my legs. He has clearly never been so serious about something ever. I have experienced great results with him. I am definitely stronger and leaner. Today I am in such pain it is unreal. I was sore yesterday, but manageable. I took a bath, soaked in some epsom salts and figured I was going to be in okay shape. I was so wrong. Walking is trying today. Walking. I have not been this sore since two years ago when I first started training. At first it sort of bummed me out, like I thought I had made all this progress but clearly I haven't if I am this sore. Then I reflected on our session. I did 1.5 hours of strength training purely dedicated to my legs. I did leg presses with 230 pounds of weight on it. I pressed more then I weigh. Weak legs can not do that. Strong legs can. Not only can strong legs do it but legs that are going to look amazing. Instead of dwelling on the negative or focusing on what I am not or do not look like I am going to be excited. This war that has been declared on my legs is going to yield some amazing results if I stick with it. It's hard to stick with what makes you feel weak and not always see it's not weakness it's a new stage and level. Everything I have done up until this point has lead to me being able to do this. I want legs I am proud of and feel represent the work I have put into them and there is no way that will not happen if I keep doing what Egon has me doing. My options would either be get a walker, or have the best legs I can sculpt with hard work. Cardio burns calories but strength training changes your shape. I look forward to seeing what today's hobbling leads to in reshaping me down the line.

What I am Grateful For

I am having a trying week, oh so trying. I have eaten a feeling or two this week and I am not happy about it. Rather then dwelling or letting this get worse I am going to nip it in the bud and focus on what I am grateful for.


1. It's Friday, it's been a long week but I've made it.

2. I have a lady date with one of my very best besties who I can not wait to spend time with tomorrow.

3. I am delivering two projects today which have been a long road. The MTVU Woodie Awards and the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. I am so lucky to work on things like this even though they make me question my sanity, lose sleep and occasionally eat nutella.

4. I love that my nutritionist had to reschedule our appointment because she is in a baking contest. If you are going to see someone it should be a foodie. Super endearing and her love of food helped me embrace and not run from mine.

5. I love that my mom is trying to help and support me in different ways then she has before. The strides she is making shows me she is listening and learning. It overwhelms me with good.

6. Every day I think less negative thoughts. About myself, my life, other people, the world, you name it. Feeling good about yourself is underrated. It changes your view of the world. Things are not perfect, but nothing will ever make it perfect.

7. I am healthy. Even though it feels weird to say and start to accept I am. There's a difference between healthy and perfect. I am one and will never be the other.

8. I miss my quinoa breakfast and can not wait to make a big batch this weekend! I rolled with this week and did the best I could, but enough is enough a girl needs her quinoa.

9. My dog makes any end of the day better, I am excited to romp in the park with her tomorrow. Please weather cooperate. If not for me think of little Dumplin'.

10. I connected with so many friends this week, actually taking the time to return phone calls, make phone calls and return emails. I am busy but I do have that 5 minutes to let people know they matter to me.

Yes, Another Food Related Giveaway!

I am obsessed with these. They are delicious little sweet treats. I like the choco-nana the best. The WHOLE package has 90 calories and 1.5 grams of fat and there's chocolate in it! Can this be? Yes it is true. Even better, they are gluten, nut, egg, and dairy free, made with organic ingredients, and have nothing artificial in them. I like a sweet treat without a side of chemical guilt.

I would love to convert more people to these delicious fruit leathers and will be giving away 2 boxes of the gift boxes that has sample packs of all the flavors because you might not like chocolate and banana together even though I can not imagine why you would not.

To enter just leave a comment and tell me how you work on having better body image. I focus on not allowing myself to have negative thoughts if I am tempted to put myself down I shut the voice up and think about something positive instead.

RIPO | PMC Magazine

RIPO | PMC Magazine



In a another lifetime I was a photographer. I still take a lot of photos, but they are for me not so much the artistic pursuits. I always used my camera as my journal. Since I hate my life a whole lot less I do pick up my camera more often and record it. One of my dear friends is super talented, funny, and one of my favorite people in the world. His work is featured in PMC magazine. I am so proud of Jonboy. He has continued to push himself as an artist and a person since I met him at 18, I love that more and more it pays off for him professionally and personally.

Juice Power

Another thing improving my mood today despite my crazy a** clown hair,lack of sleep and skipped morning pro-greens. Juice. Not fruit juice, but super vegetable juice. We're talking every green thing imaginable. It's not too sweet, but sweet enough drinking it does not feel like punishment. It's also so good for you and a way to get in those veggies. I eat a fair amount of veggies and I'm not sure I get all my servings in and that the sweet potato fries I love so do not count.

Try out some veggie blends my favorite right now is the below. I have also included real time photos of my mood progression consuming juice. First one I am still hating life and not impressed, the second one I am high on juice!




Juice blend:

kale
spinach
cucumber
apple
ginger
lemon
parsley
cabbage
celery



Now you can add in beets, carrots, but I tend to pick one higher sugar item, this time it was the apple. You can add in what you wish, be your own juice creator.

Two Emails Can Undo Cranky

I did not sleep well last night at all. I could not fall asleep. I do not know why. I am not particularly stressed. I may have had too much coffee too late yesterday but anyway laying awake is never fun. This morning I skipped breakfast at home mostly because I was in deep denial I had to leave my bed, dragged myself into the office and was attempting to have a good attitude despite cranky pants firmly on. I was delighted by checking my email. I received one email saying the FitPerez.com videos were really helping them and could I give them some tips and from another person asking for help.

It is not my ego that is flattered. Well it is a little, but I have also given out an email address so people can reach out to me. It's not just to make me feel cool. What makes me feel awesome and gives me a little bounce in my step is people asking for help. People not feeling they have to do everything on their own, and I am blessed and so flattered they feel comfortable reaching out to me. I love being able to tell someone how awesome I think it is they are seeking advice. I am not a professional, dietitian, or nutritionist. I hope I have made this clear, and suspect since I share all my cray cray I have, it's worth reiterating. I am someone though who is empathetic, tries my best not to judge and will always support you. I am loyal to a fault and I think being able to share, support and commiserate with people through email, twitter, blogging, has helped me find a really good application of this trait. If I love or care about you, you're welcome wherever I am, on the interweb or out and about in the city. We all have our problems I am honored people share theirs with me. It's courageous and makes me think that many doctors may not have answers, mom's, or well meaning family members but there is a community where you can find help and acceptance.

I think these emails may give me the boost I need to get through today without disappearing from a nap of some sort. Thank you.

Mish Mash

I am still on a roller coaster of the past cropping up. It's not so bad. Some memories, some hazy, some clear, some still completely abstract and just impressions of feelings. I am in the right place for them to be happening and that's pretty cool. It's also pretty cool to be doing my best to embrace it and ride it out, and not distract or do anything to suppress it.

I am still losing weight and I am 1.5 pounds away from my lowest weight to date. That is next week's goal. Numbers do not rule my life but I would be completely lying if I did not say they matter to me somewhat.

I read an interesting post today over on mythunderthighs.wordpress.com about being more then your weight, obsessing, and about where you direct your energy. For a while being in recovery and learning how to live without an eating disorder for the first time in my life I was obsessed. My new way of living was my passion, where all my energy went, and what my life revolved around. I think for a little while it had to. I came to a place though where I realized just like my eating disorder, and weight had defined me now my recovery was. I did not want either to. I was learning how to be me outside of these things. It took time, learning, exploring, and not being afraid. I had to just try things. I had to be my own experiment. What did I really care about, enjoy and feel passionately about with all the other crap removed? It's been an amazing process. I feel passionately now about staying healthy, mentally and physically and know I have to stay on top of that but life does not revolve around it. I try best I can these days to do what's best for me, continue to learn and define what that is, and move forward. Lately it's been gallivanting and having a good time and just moving further and further beyond my comfort zones and the old rules of yonder. Sometimes you do need to drink vodka, stay out late, and then crawl to work out with your trainer the next day. Will I do it every Friday night, no, but right now I am young, single and need to have fun and celebrate the fact that I am alive, well and happy. I spent so long miserable sometimes aware of it sometimes not that I can not think of a better thing to celebrate then reclaiming one's happiness. I will drink (in moderation) to that.

The Meaty Vegan

I've talked about my buds Tyler and Melissa and their site The Meaty Vegan. They have just updated it with blog entries, a new logo and pics. Take a look and let me know what you think pretty please. I would really appreciate your honest feedback because most if not all of you are all up on the healthy blogs and know what you are looking for from one. Comments, suggestions, and what you look for from a healthy living and eating blog are super welcome and appreciated.

themeatyvegan.com

Can Everyone Really Do It?

I have said since the beginning if I can do it anyone can. Anyone can change their life, habits and lose weight. Lately I have sort of been moving away from this. People talk to me about weight loss a lot. They approach me with their own stories, hopes, advice, or seeking advice. I have this intuition about who will be successful and who won't these days based on their language and my own history of total ish talking. I hear so much of my old self sometimes, the excuses, the whys it is so much harder for them, and the lack of accountability. I am not the authority by any means on weight loss but I have managed to sustain one, not regain weight and keep moving forward. I also feel pretty confident I will never go back to where I was for a multitude of reasons. I am so changed it would be really hard for me to override things now and creep back to that place. I have some lingering fears and do not want to get over confident but my entire attitude and approach has changed and therefore so have the outcomes. Can I regain 10 pounds? Absolutely. Do I think I could regain 100? Absolutely not.

The further along I mentally progress the more I see what enables someone to be successful. It's honesty. It's being willing to go beyond a diet and look at the underlying reasons you have a wonky relationship with food. It is calling yourself out, holding yourself accountable and leaving any and all blame game behind. People just want to address the food. Cut calories, not eat carbs, reduce their fat and while this might get 20, 40, 50 pounds off it will not enable you to change your lifestyle. The problems, issues, impulses that led you to weight gain are still there and waiting to get you the second your focus is off a diet. A diet is nice way to distract yourself from the job that makes you nuts and eat your feelings, or the relationship that makes you feel really bad about yourself, or whatever it is that tells you taking care of yourself is not a priority. You have to be willing to get honest, accountable, and like yourself. If you like yourself you will start to believe you are worth the end results of a healthy lifestyle. This is not easy. It's hard to realize that you need to change. We're taught to not change be who were are, but sometimes wires get crossed and who've we become is not actually a person but a collection of defenses, insecurities, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was not who I thought I was, not at all. I literally said to my nutritionist the first time I met her, " I think I'm awesome I just want to deal with this weight problem." She replied, " I wonder how much you actually believe that. ". I laugh now but for a while I cringed and just how arrogant that statement was. How in the world could I have really believed and said that out loud? Thank god, Marisa is an incredible professional and saw right through that really poor attempt at bravado. How could I have thought that things were so neat, and simple, that you could be so overweight and just separate yourself and reality? I needed a major reality for many reasons, beyond my health and my weight but my mental health was clearly questionable at this point.

I had to make a decision, was I willing to humble myself, accept I did not know who I was and no longer had my best interests at heart and try something different or was I going to keep going in the same circle. I was finally willing to admit that despite having a pretty great career, and many other classically adult trappings I did not have emotional success. I was miserable, unhappy and here's the real shocker it had very little to do with my weight. I did not think I was awesome. I did not think or feel awesome at all and being honest about this finally and relieving myself of keeping up the charade felt amazing and liberating. It was a first step to reclaiming and connecting with who I am. I chose different and I have never been happier with a decision in my life. I hear so many other people though who do not choose different. They do not want to accept that they have a problem that is not just their stomach, thighs, or love of fried chicken. There is something else and just like any other physical ailment they would seek treatment for they need to treat this.

I want to believe that anyone who wants to can lose weight, change their lifestyle and be wildly successful at it, but you have to look beyond potential and see reality. Not everyone is willing to be humble, vulnerable, and not everyone hurts bad enough to seek whatever solution there is out there. We all make our own decisions, and are responsible for our health and sometimes we want to be and sometimes we don't. Lately I have been going out super late and having one too many cocktails. So far it has not impacted my weight but it's definitely not the healthiest thing to be doing. Alcohol is not terribly important to me so I find it a smidge odd I have been going out a whole real lot. Is it harmless, is it unhealthy? I don't know time to ask myself. Time to check back in and hold myself accountable, not the company I have been keeping, the tasty cocktails being offered, or the stress that might be fueling the need to gallivant. I have to ask myself because I do have goals I want to reach and making excuses depletes energy I need for the elliptical later.

Pecans, Healing Compliments, and Mean Girls

You know that giant bag of pecans I wrote about last week? Yeah, it had to leave. I have been a little nommy the past few days and started eating a little handful here and there. Then I discovered that pecan pieces mixed with raw honey is a delicious treat. I told myself while waiting for my water to boil for tea you eat one more combo and the pecans are getting thrown out. I did and they were. It felt good to just grab a hold of the situation, not see it as punishment but reclaiming control but I spiraled out of it. I was reclaiming my control over myself and food choices. I went to the gym a little while later and when I felt thoroughly gross on the elliptical machine I knew I had made the right decision. Why test myself? Just get rid of it. The calories and fat bother me sure, but what really bothers me is right now stuff is coming up and I feel unsettled so I do not want to turn to food. I want to trust myself to explore this time and just ride it out. It's weird, uncomfortable, makes me cranky sometimes, and exhausting, but it's completely amazing. I do not want to deny myself the amazing. I'd rather limit my pecan and other snack intake.

On to something more positive. I saw Marisa Tuesday and we were reviewing my week. I had told her about my meltdown in pigeon pose. She made me walk through the episode and see the connection between me just wanting to flee and one of the emotions associated with hips being fight or flight. She was super excited about this and said I am really starting to tap into some of the things I am holding on to. She thinks changing my exercise routines, pushing myself physically and being open and honest to learning is going to help get me to that next level. I started talking honestly about some other things which I will elaborate on in a second and she said you are really calling yourself out. You are really changing because you are being honest, calling yourself out, and doing so allows you to change. She then said what is one of the coolest things ever, "You are healing yourself, you have healed yourself from the inside out." She is right I am healing myself. I have looked at, examined, processed and felt so much in two years it still amazes me. What amazes me more is focusing less on the hurts which were inflected and more on the things I did. I made a conscious decision as a child that when I did not want to talk about something I didn't. In a very calculated manner I decided what was up for discussion and what wasn't. I was interfered with by a male babysitter as a very small child. I never discussed this until two years ago. I never even admitted it had really happened to myself much less to others. I do not think I was really molested or I do not remember that, but he crossed lines, was wildly inappropriate, made me uncomfortable and at the age of 5 I started patterns of not discussing what I did not want to, having issues with boundaries, and a feeling of being unsafe. I told my mom about this last year. Not the most fun lunch I have ever had but it was a relief to discuss it. It was a relief to have her feel for me, and respect my feelings. She said I am so surprised you did not tell me as a child, you shared freely. Already as a kid though I was not sharing what I did not want to discuss. I set this into motion. It was not my mom, dad, or anyone else, I did and it hurt me. I should not have had to be quiet about that for 20 years but I just did not realize the benefit of speaking to someone would help me heal. I did not understand how you healed. To heal you have to acknowledge, feel, process and the move on. I was just really good at moving on. I either literally or figuratively walked away, or I numbed myself. Ask any boyfriend I've had if I was upset mid fight I just shut down and walked away. I thought being able to just move on meant dealing and strength. Maybe for some it does, and that's how they process but for me it's not the winning approach. I have to sit with it, I have to process and feel it, and then I can move on. I have been blessed to have so much support in the process because it's scary but I feel an incredible since of peace I have never had before. I feel capable, and content and secure in that the past can no longer hurt me or impact my future. I have dealt with it and moved on from it.


In all this honesty talk with Marisa I brought up something I had noticed recently. I see a lot of naked ladies in the gym locker room. They have all sorts of bodies, and I used to be really awful in my head about it. The women of the locker room were not my only victims, but anyone really. If you were thinner then me you were fair game. Had you asked me if I was a mean girl I would have said no and said I had more often been on the receiving end then doling out end of meanness. Sure I have a mean streak and have had my moments but I would not have characterized myself as mean but I was. I would say horrible things about people, mostly in my head, but still, how awful and negative. I would cut down people's bodies, style, make comments like yeah she might be thinner then me but she needs to lose 20 pounds. Uhm, you weigh 300 does this really make you feel better about yourself? I noticed when this started to abate, but then I realized I never do it anymore. In the locker room I see a lot of really beautiful and diverse bodies. I do not see the same flaws, or previously perceived perfections. I see women who are striving to be healthy, who are pushing their bodies, who carry their own insecurities, and who probably never judged me as harshly as I judged them. To all of these women who I subjected to my really mean wrath fueled by self loathing I am sorry, it was not nice, and while more about my own lack of self acceptance then your appearance it was still sucky and my own problems are no excuse.

How awesome and smart is Ashley? Chock full of Help!