I've heard all the comparisons to weight and walls. I didn't really think that was what I was doing. I didn't really know what I was doing overall, or protested my innocence in my actions. The more weight I lose the more I realize how much I protected myself. How much I had locked away and still continue to keep away from the surface. There are several emotions I still really struggle with. I struggle with giving myself permission to feel them, and to just sit with it. My impulse it either deny it or make it go away. I don't really ever want people knowing how I truly feel when something has hurt or upset me. I hid so much behind anger before and now I hide more behind the statement, "but it's okay". It usually isn't nor does it have to be, but for some reason I feel compelled to smooth it over and act too cool to be upset. I bluster, and roll out the tough routine, but hurt that's a different story.
I am learning to sit with these things. To see that being sad does not mean you are a sad person and that emotions are fleeting and not life sentences. I am learning that there is no need to be tough all the time despite that being how I got through most of my life and learned to cope. I don't always need to be tough nor is it expected from me. Not to beat the yoga drum again but it's helping me. It's really hard to just be, to be still, to just be alone with your thoughts. Not think about the past or the future but think about the present. The present is my weight is 8 pounds higher then my lowest, and 5 pounds higher then I thought it was and while that is a bummer I am mad at myself for not being on track for about 6 weeks. I have not checked in, called myself out and used the tools I have learned. I am sad that I still eat emotionally, I am sad that memories still surface that make my voice croaky to share with someone else, but I am delighted I am doing it. I am happy I am saying this upsets me, and this was a painful moment and sharing it with people I trust and know do not judge me. That feels really good. This week my food journal is more like an emotional journal and maybe that's way it just needs to be sometimes. I may never be okay with it, but I am learning I do not have to be. I just have to do it. I have to cope, not pretend to.