I saw Marisa today. I was up, not sure by how much because I did not want to know. I was not and remain not surprised. I hate falling into the it's the holidays trap but it does make watching your eating a lot harder. Marisa called me out on some great points that I thought were really worth it to share.
I have been undergoing a lot of personal transformation in the past few weeks and have been checked out from my weight loss is point number one. There is and isn't some truth to this. I have found the less I focus on weight loss specifically the more successful I am. When I am doing things that are living a healthy life focused, sticking to eating well and mindfully, exercising, and managing my stress the weight comes off. When I focus solely on weight loss I feel like I slip backward into diet mentality and feel miserable like my life focuses around weight loss. I have to find a balance though because at the end of the day I am not at my goal weight. Expanding on that point not only am I not at my goal weight I am not happy about that fact. I have lost weight in the past, 75 pounds, 50 pounds, 40 pounds at a time, and every single time I have given up before reaching my goal regained the weight and more. Every time. I was at one point afraid of that history repeating itself. I do think I could regain some weight I mean I did over the holidays, but since I have been seeing Marisa the most weight I have regained has been 2 pounds. Two years, two pounds, not to shabby if I act like a bragasaurus. I do trust myself to continue to lose weight and reach my goal whatever number that might be, but I also have to be real with myself it is not going to happen without me continuing to evolve and deal with new challenges as I have this entire time.
The second point I thought was super interesting was we were talking about being around the fam which in the past has been a huge trigger for me. I stood up to my mom and brother in separate occasions and did not eat emotionally over the holiday. Marisa flagged while I did not eat emotionally I did not pay attention to health. I have been so wrapped up in assessing whether or not I am motivated by emotion, or preventing a binge that if those two components are not there then I give a green light to eat. Hmmmmm she has a major point there and I had not thought about it. I had not bothered to see how little I really need to fear emotionally eating or binging really anymore and I can not hide behind it. I have to give myself permission to have things, but for example when I was escaping Atl and driving into snowmageddon we stopped at Chik-fil-a. I think if you are from Georgia there is something in your DNA which makes you think this is the best thing on the planet. The original sandwich is one tasty affair. I had one, and not only that but fries. Marisa pointed out, you wanted the fried sandwich which is fine you do not make a habit of fried food but you also say how you felt gross by the eating at home did you need the fries? No I didn't and not because they are fattening, fried, or anything but because fries do not mean that much to me. They are a great vehicle for ketchup but really what I wanted was the sandwich. The sandwich also has a little hidden meaning in it....Classically my mom would get these and I was not allowed to have it because it was fattening. She could have one, depending on her health kick but I never could. I gave myself permission, awesome. I'm the boss of me, but Marisa is right I did not have to have the fries. I think part of what holds me back is not so much fear of slipping back, but a hesitance to really embrace this new identity. I eat well and healthy pretty often because I enjoy it. I feel better, my body runs better, I sleep better, I do not have acid reflux attacks, my skin looks better, I lose weight, I feel better about myself when I do choose to indulge, the list goes on but really I do it for me. Not for a fantasy idea of who I want to be, or how I want to be perceived but for me. I strive to be healthy and I am out and proud about that and need to own it. I am not perfect I love me some sweets, sweet potato fries (naturally), love to get my pork on, think pimento cheese hung the moon, love chocolate and peanut butter, and plenty of other indulgences which would not be blowing up any healthy eating blogs, but if eaten in moderation are a-okay. At the end of the day I eat healthy because I want to not because I have to. I also eat healthy because I do not want to worry about my weight the rest of my life and my Dad dropped dead of a heart attack at 50 years old. I do lose my ish when it comes to sweets and I will have to work on being more vigilant about that. I love sugar. I could write an ode, or sonnet to it, but it's sort of a one sided relationship. It doesn't really give me very much back.
Marisa and I talked about that, we all have something we have less control around then other things. I do not struggle with sweets because of an eating disorder, I struggle around sweets because it's my kryptonite. How do you deal with this? You call yourself out. You say Anna you may have that but you get one, not the four you are going to want to have. You stay connected and remember your goals. I have to say to myself what do you want more? Those gray jeans that you have lusted after but do not feel terribly confident in yet or this piece of candy, chocolate, cake whatever it is. I can not break up with sweets because I do enjoy them and I do not want to deprive myself, but I have to really concentrate on building a manageable relationship with them.
I have to learn how to not just green light something because it is not emotionally fueled, stay connected to my ultimate goal without obsessing, and accept sweets equal a reality check in bitch slap.