I am having intense memory flashbacks. Some are good, some are bad, some are neither they just are. It's a weird feeling and it comes and goes. I saw Marisa today and was talking about this and she said it's because of the yoga. You are allowing yourself to be still and you are not eating. Therefore the flashbacks are happening and more is coming up. This is not so surprising. I thought it was because yoga gives me a safe place to feel. I do not feel judged, scared, or like I need to hold back. She also said more is going to come up, the more you allow yourself to be still the more that will come up, be remembered, and felt because the wall is not there.
Growing up my home was not a safe place. There was a lot of dysfunction, and I received a lot of feedback that what I was not good. I mean by what I was, inherent personality traits I had little to no control over. I was too sensitive, I was too sweet, being sweet meant I was weak, too chatty, and both my parents had horrible tempers. I was fearful a lot and not allowed to just be. I was scared to make them angry, and I did not know how to just be myself. I figured out what parts of me they liked and put those forward. This created a weird dynamic with my Dad where I felt he only loved part of me, and it made me feel like my mom disliked me more because now I was pandering. Very confusing stuff for a kid. I should have just tap danced and called it a day instead of this emotional kabuki theater. This chameleon way of peace keeping taught me how to keep up a facade. To put forward this face of nothing getting to me, to nothing bothering, or hiding behind anger because it's easy. Sadness, hurt, and vulnerability took a courage I just did not have and as an adult am just embracing. I am learning how not to do this now, to hide or deny feelings but until last week when I was eating a snack and got overwhelmed by this really powerful feeling of deja vu I had not connected my past and my present in terms of this. I knew I had a wall and hid behind food and weight but as a child when my feelings got hurt, often at the dinner table I would want to cry, leave, react in some way but that would just cause more hurt. Then I would be told I was too sensitive, it was a joke, or something negative so I would eat. I would feel the salt of my tears, or the frog in my throat and try to cover it up the quickest way I could to keep myself from gaining more negative attention or displaying and more feelings and that was by eating. I kid you not, in TWO years of self exploration and being dedicated to finding out why food is my outlet this had not come to me. TWO YEARS! Crazy. I just sat with it and thought about it and I continue to think about it.
Talking to Marisa today she said a lot is coming up and it is going to continue to do so. We talked about how some memories, questions, flashbacks do not lead to answers but to more questions you need to ask. I thought a lot of my questions were for someone, or directed at people, but really they are directed at myself. Exploring these memories, questions and things will better help me accept who I am as a result of everything. It will help me accept and know who I am which is a nice trade off for weird twilight zone moments. I never had a safe place, I did not have it have it home, and I did not find a healthy one as an adult, and the way I figured out to protect myself was not healthy or really protection. Wednesday night yoga is a safe place for me. I told Marisa I feel like for the first time I have a safe place. I have somewhere I can just be and I feel comforted by this. She said what I think is beautiful, " the safest place you have is the one you create in yourself". I look forward to continuing to create this place and in the meantime I can hang out in the strange Lifetime movie my memories put me on the edge of becoming.