Saw Marisa today. Weight was up. I finally got the nerve up to ask her what the actual number is....and I am up 5 more pounds then I thought. So annoying. What's more annoying is I have been basically going in a circle for a month. Up and down the same pounds and not making an progress. I need to re-engage and get back on track but I do not know why I am even off track to begin with. Is it winter blues, work stress, worn out from the losing marathon? I do not know it could be all three. I have to take a break from some of the other mental work I have been doing to check back in and get myself on track. I am going to try really focusing on measuring my food, I have slacked on this for sure, and logging my emotions in my food journal. I just got back to journal'ing after taking a brief break and it feels good to be on track with that. I also need to throw the peanut butter I have at home out. Peanut butter every night is not a winning plan. I am also thinking about cutting out sweets again. I wonder if removing my food security blanket will make me confront whatever I am still not seeing or tapping into.
What bothers me more then the gain is that I am still turning to food emotionally. Marisa told me a story today about someone, not sure if it was a nutritionist or what who woke up one morning in Hawaii with a fierce craving for Carvel. She's like of all the things to go searching for in Hawaii, anyway the woman was eating her carvel ice cream and a memory about her father came to her because it was something they enjoyed together and realized what she really wanted was a hug. She went home asked her husband to hug her and found the hug felt better then the ice cream tasted. I thought this was an interesting story but for me it does not always work that way. It is not always so clear what I am masking, avoiding, running from or not seeing to. I do not always know or understand why I reach for sweets instead of dealing. I take it as the craving for sweet not the craving for something else. This is part of why I am where I am today. I hope to one day be able to see what I really need and not reach for the food. I know I will get there I just do not know how at the moment. It leaves me restless but not reaching for food which is one step in the right direction. It will do for tonight.