I am at the stage of life where friends are settling down and those who are already married are having kids. My oldest friend in the whole wide world has one child already. He is an adorable little boy I get to watch via facebook grow up. She lives in Arkansas so this did not really affect my life in many ways. I saw her not that long ago, she came to New York with her husband to visit. It was so great to see her, meet her husband, it had been probably 10 years at least. She said she loved being a Mom and was looking forward to baby #2. I was still sort of unfazed by this. I mean it still boggles my mind the girl I used to go on explorer missions in the neighbor's prize winning koi pond was a mom now but hey people grow up. Then she got pregnant with baby #2 and then she asked me to be the Godmother. 1. How cool?! I don't have kids or plans for them soon, but will happily take part in the fun stuff, and 2. How is it possible people my age are not only married, but have a kid, and it's now going to become kidssssss. I was still sort of not bothered by all of this kid related shennanigans. Then my second oldest friend got pregnant. I do not know why but this time it has sort of bothered me. I do not even know what the bother is. Is it that their lives are moving forward and mine is still the same? Is it that no matter how great you are as a woman that until you are picked there's that icky feeling of will I be picked?
I was talking about it with Marisa because I had journaled it. This feeling of what am I actually doing with me life? Why does it bother me other people moving forward? I have lost weight but what else? I tend to forget that I did more then lose weight. I changed my life, I have new interests, new people in my life, new habits, new friends, so much that is not easy to see on the surface and that does not have a dress, or ceremony attached to it. How do you explain what you've been up to when it's I learned how to care about myself and take care of myself? Something so many people are able to do and take for granted. She asked me are you stuck, or do you feel stuck? Maybe I am. Maybe I have grown so accustom to this new life I have become complacent in it. As for dating....I am still dating myself and I LOVE it. Taking the manhunt pressure off has felt great. I am not closed down to the idea of dating, men, or a boyfriend I am just not making it an active preoccupation. I do not want to go to parties hoping there are guys there. I want to go to have a good time, if there are some cute guys then fantastic. I want to live my life being happy within it regardless of outside things I have little to no control over. I can not control that I am single, not married, and not close to it. I can be proactive and enriching my life and not wasting time with lame-o guys that make me fall into old habits and patterns. That I can do.
I think some times when we want to change we get so focused on the things that reward us the quickest in terms of feeling good about ourselves or our progress. Addressing the disordered eating, and weight did that for me. This thing that had hung over me and dominated my life I was seeing progress in! Oh my! It has been wonderful and it has felt so good and rewarding but it is definitely the cherry picked area of growth. I need to grow in ways I am not 100% comfortable with. I am very much stagnant in other areas that do not interest me as much in dealing with. I hate being a slob. I really do. It does not make me feel good about myself but it overwhelms me so much that it's easy to ignore. It's something I am stuck in. I need to bring order to bring more calm into my life. I have done what I can addressing food, weight, health and a healthy dose of demons, and continue to do so but just like no one thing can bring you happiness no one thing can bring you calm and peace.
I am able to sit with these feelings and find out why I have them. Am I jealous of others? Not really. I am jealous they know the answer to the question in a way, but I am pretty sure I am not ready for those things yet. They still sort of freak me out. I have made the choices I made for good reasons. Since I was 18 years old I have been career focused, and when I started my first job out of school at 22 yrs old I ate, lived, breathed my career. It was one of the few things that fed my self esteem in a positive way. Now I have so much that makes me feel good about myself and that I am embracing. I can sit with something instead of denying it, and I am grateful for that. It feels good to say this unsettles me. I do not know why, it's not for the reasons everyone thinks because I am 30 and single, but because it makes me wonder is it time to put my own future at the forefront. Be the one also announcing news beyond weight loss. For now I can not wait to be a Godmomma, for realz, I could not be more excited about this and feel so blessed, loved and honored to have been asked. I also could not be happier for friend #2, she has wanted kids since forever and finally is on her way to having something I know she wants so bad. While I do not completely get the kids thing, they are awesome don't get me wrong but I can barely handle myself and a dog, I do get wanting something so badly and not being sure you would get it. Anyone can relate to that and I hope I take something away from it.