Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Hard Sell

Do you ever find yourself selling yourself to people? I do. I have no idea what happens. I am not sure when I cross this line of getting to know someone or making my own mind up to giving them the hard sell. It's part of why I took a break from dating. I was still seeking out people who made me feel who I am is not good enough. I felt like I had to be cooler, smarter, artsier, you name it and you can fill in the blank with it.

Why do I seek this out? I am not sure, but I do know that sometimes it is harder for me to not have weight to blame someone not liking or being interested in me then it is they might just not like me. It's easier to go into sell mode and try to win them over. I was not hugely aware of this until recently or what sort of people set this into motion. I am way more aware now. They may be super awesome folks but they are not for me. I test myself with them no differently then a box of cookies, I'll just be friends, or I'll just try to get them to agree to hang out. No relationship should be a mission or sell. It should be easy and two people with mutual interests getting to know one another. It takes some of the high away because it's a more level and balanced way of looking at it but at the end of the day it takes away the emotional turmoil. The downside to selling is it makes me hate myself. I decide based on my own nonsense this person's approval means something, work to get it and hate myself in the process. Their approval means nothing and I should never ever give someone I do not really know that power. The more I approve myself the less I extend it to others but this this habit of dipping into selling still lingers. I think so many of these things never go away, they are coping methods, and habits, and they never go away they just become manageable. Changing anything and sustaining it is not seeking perfection but being committed to the change I think. I am committed to not selling but being.

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