Monday, January 17, 2011

Really? You? Shy? Never!

I read so much this weekend my head is spinning. I read a really interesting blog entry by,

She was discussing her own anxieties and struggles overcoming shyness. I can completely relate. I am incredibly shy until I know someone. I hate meeting people alone or going to something alone and I would probably get a Mohawk before I went to a party by myself. All of this has shocked the people who know me. I am outgoing, but am I really I am really good at faking being comfortable and at ease. I mean I did it for years. I pretended I was okay with my weight for over a decade so what's social ease compared to that? I was really good at hyping up my personality, being funny, outrageous, and acting bold when really I did not feel it at all. I think I got so good at it I bought it. I bought my own lie and it has been interesting sorting through this now.

When I was really in the throes of disordered eating and my world was sort of crumbling in around me there was some comfort in just giving up. In isolating. I quit making an effort, excuses anything and just isolated. Rather then feel insecure, uncomfortable, why not just not try at all? This worked for a hot minute and then I felt even worse. It became an island of sadness honestly. I am a social creature by nature. How do you find that balance between shyness and social? The weight was a physical barricade that forced me to overcome it. I was not going to be judged for being fat by god! I was going to act soooooo amazing you saw everything but that. Uhm....that's a really bad logic really bad. It's not natural or fair at all to yourself and completely contributed to my whole who I am is not good enough. I never navigated anything as just myself. I hid behind my job, weight, friends, a whole host of things. I always had some prop or way to hide in a role. I thought of so much social interaction as performance art to ease my anxieties.

Having lost the weight and the desire to perform it's been interesting adjusting now. I have some anxiety but I can sit with it. I can acknowledge it and say I am uncomfortable but I'll make it. What's been really cool and helped me move forward is the response I have gained from people. The more I put myself out there the more I get back. To move forward though I had to realize I did not struggle socially because of my weight. I struggled socially because I had anxiety and I did not like myself. Who wants to present someone to the world they do not like? I am so glad I lost weight but I am always more grateful I regained myself. I like myself enough to care now and invest in myself and feel good about presenting that person to the world.

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