Questions for the whole crew

I am working on a lil some something with friends, and little something for the bloggy so I have questions for everyone.

1. What attracts you most to a blog or site? Personality? Info?

2. What advice to you value? Emotional? Nutrition? Recipes?

3. What giveaways do you like? Do you enter them?

4. If you like a site do you recommend it to friends and others?

5. What turns you off a site? Bad design? Infrequent posting?

A Week in the Life of...

My food journal! I get asked all the time what do I eat, and what can't I eat. I can and do eat pretty much everything because it's not a diet but a lifestyle choice. There are things I avoid because it's not worth it to me and I have a few remaining trigger foods. Sweets in general I do not keep in the house because chances are I will eat all of it happily and unemotionally and purely because I like them and will ignore my fullness cue. Without further ado below is last week. Thoughts, feelings, emotions lemme know...

1.25
time: 10:15am
food: grande coffee, oatmeal, tablespoon pb drizzle agave
hunger: 3/4
feelings: thinking maybe to change my breakfast routine to start having it at home, have some still time in the morning and get out of my ruts.

time: 2pm
food: clementine
hunger: 4/2
feeling: super hungry but running into a meeting, this should take the edge of before lunch

time: 3pm
food: miso soup, beef negimaki app, 1 brown rice oshinko roll, tea with 1 teaspoon honey
hunger: 4/3
feeling: a little hungry afterwards, sitting with it, still hungry at 4:30, but going to see if I can hold out before snack time.

time: 6pm
food: animal crackers, a little pb
hunger: 4/4
feeling: having dinner with a helping of conversation I do not want to have and extremely hungry. Wondering if hunger is emotional

time: 8pm
food: brussel sprouts salad, roasted chicken with smashed garlic potatoes, green beans, gelato for dessert
hunger: 3/4
feeling: what a dinner, went better then expected as in I didn’t have to be very honest because this was a narcissitic meal, wanted a glass of wine real bad but was with a recovering alcoholic and I feel funny about it. Definitely ate some feelings, just focused on my food....

1.26

time: 10am
food: 2 small coffees, small with ff coffeemate, oatmeal, 1 tb pb, drizzle agave, clementine
hunger: 4/4
feelings: feeling okay a bit better with dinner of doom over, not happy my cable is out but the irony of cable being out when I am trying to be more alone is not lost on me

time: 3pm
food: chicken, lime, orzo soup medium, 1/2 tuna sandwich from hale and hearty
hunger: 4/4
feeling: should have eaten a half hour before I did but got control of the hunger via tea and water
feelings: having a stressful week but managing, deep breathing is helping, and I have yoga tonight to look forward to, also no tv=bed earlier

time: 6pm
food: clementine, animal crackers,
hunger: 4/3
feelings: not rocking the snack at all this week. I need to work on this. I get hungry I know this, and the snack options are limited so it needs to be dealt with.


time: 9:30pm
food: brown rice, asian veggie mix, 1 cup of each, and black bean veggie burger, drizzle ginger, chili, sauce that has 15 calories per tb which is cool and tasty, coconut water
hunger: 4/4
feeling: super late dinner, post work out and yoga wasn’t ideal but just tough to fit it all in, I didn’t want to eat dinner before because I knew I was going to work out, and when I finished working out it was 10 of 8 and yoga’s at 8pm, blah blah, yoga was great and Melissa kicked my bum. Really like it. So challenging and humbling but I am committed. I sort of freaked at first eating silent dinner. I wanted to text someone, get on my ipad something anything or race through my meal, but then I just chilled. I took my time, really chewed and tasted my food. It ended up being kind of cool. I delayed my cable repair to go to yoga and because I thought I need a few days of quiet.





1.27
time: 10am
food: spinach feta wrap from starbucks, grande coffee with skim, clementine later
hunger: 4/3
feeling: worn out from the week, but feeling good, slept like a wee babe post yoga last night.


time: 3pm
food: chicken, lime, orzo soup medium, 1/2 tuna sandwich from hale and hearty, kinder hippo,
hunger: 4/3
feeling: wasn’t hungry and then got SUPER hungry, have to say the hippo is 96 calories, and 6 grams of fat and worth it



time: 6pm
food: clementine
hunger: 3/2
feeling: hungry and want a heartier snack but have spinning at 7pm and will feel gross if I eat anything heavier, was supposed to have Indian food with my bro but we snow delayed, glad I am not eating Indian food for dinner.

time: 8:00
food: lemon rosemary chicken breast, sauteed kale, brown rice, coconut water, wanted dark chocolate but checkity checked myself reminding myself I had the hippo earlier today
feeling: good another silent dinner, did better with the silence, it’s still a little weird feeling, but not unpleasant. Just weird.






1.28
time: 10am
food: strawberry pancakes from energy kitchen, 1 large coffee with skim and splenda
hunger: 3/4
feeling: well this morning did not start well, business partner collapsed last night and had to be hospitalized




time: 3:30pm
food: 2 slices pizza with mushrooms and black olives, salad with drizzle of dressing, tried to do 1.5 slices but was hungry still
hunger: 4/3
feeling: had zero appetite and then started getting hungry and then got walloped. Was trying to respect my hunger cues and feel like I got spanked by them. No es bueno.

time: 8:00pm
food: chicken breast with lemon, and rosemary, sauteed kale, brown rice, coconut water
hunger: 3/4
feeling: was so tired didn’t want to work out but knew it would make me feel better, 45 mins later feeling like a much improved version of myself.



1.29
time: 11am
food: spinach feta wrap from starbucks, grande coffee with skim
hunger: 3/4
feeling: pretty well rested, really excited to work out with Egon today, I dare say I feel pumped.


time: 4pm
food: food should taste good multigrain chips, salsa, pita with hummus, goat cheese, kalamata olives toasted, coconut water, chocolate chips,
hunger: 4/4
feeling: really good, great session with Egon, a killer work out, already feel soreness setting in which is both a good and terrifying sign

time: 9pm
food: chicken breast stuffed with wild rice, soy cheese, and mushrooms, lentil salad with arugula, and roasted leeks, balsamic, steamed broccoli, 1 1/4 cup cider with rum, a few reduced fat tortilla chips with salsa verde, and a few carrot sticks with white bean hummus for appetizer,
hunger: 3/4
feeling: so delicious! Love having friends cook for me, especially when they are healthy people focused on food being tasty and healthy. Dinner was definitely healthy and tasty.

1.30
time: 11am
food: pancakes with strawberries, large coffee with skim
hunger: 3/4
feeling: very sleepy, went to bed way too late, dragging a little



time: 4:30pm
food: smoothie with half protein no banana, knocks off 100 calories which makes me happy because it tastes the same, chickpea burger with low fat cheese, brown rice, and salsa,
hunger: 4/3
feeling: a little nommy today, I was not very hungry and then got really hungry and then wanted to eat instead of working out, made myself get on to the treadmill for a hour


time: 8pm
food: steamed collard greens, steamed bok choy, very small spoonful of potato salad from whole foods, and rice salad made with wild rice, cranberries, chicken and cranberries, wanted to taste it but not make a meal of it at all. Less then 2 tablespoons of each, 4 turkey meatballs with mustard,


1.31
time: 10am
food: spinach feta wrap, grande coffee, progreens
hunger: 2.5/4
feeling: downed so much water this morning before breakfast and think it helped with my appetite, hmm intriguing....


time: 2:30pm
food: chicken marinara, brown rice, mashed sweet potatoes
hunger: 3/4
feeling: a little carb heavy whoops, should have had rice or taters not both.

I'd like to thank

D from http://abetterlesserme.blogspot.com/

For an award! I am having a really awful day. My dear friend and business partner collapsed last night and was rushed to the hospital so this was a bright spot in a dreary day.


Anyway on to the rules:

The rules for this award are simple:

• Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award! (see above)
• Share 7 things about yourself!
• Award 5 bloggers who have "Stylish" blogs!
  

7 things about me:

1. I do not like fish. I want to, I try to, but I am just not a fan.

2. I had cancer three years ago.

3. I can not drive and have no plans to learn.

4. I am utterly useless at putting things, together. I can fix problems but not furniture.

5. If I had my way I would have 5 dogs and a pygmy hippo.

6. Isolated homes sort of freak me out, give me a city any day.

7. I always have crushes on guys with dark hair and light eyes but have never dated one. Not once.

And now to the nominees...

1. http://journeybeyondsurvival.blogspot.com/

2. http://bethannyissickofbeingfat.blogspot.com/

3. http://theemotionlesseater.blogspot.com/

4. http://thebingediary.blogspot.com/

5. http://fatfriesplease.blogspot.com/

6. http://losingthelast10pounds.blogspot.com/

7. http://unemployedbiddy.blogspot.com/

Smack Talking

I talk a lot of smack about my family and never bother to tell the good. The good is my relationship with my mom is like night and day from when I was growing up. She is such a cool lady and once I started dealing with my own stuff I was able to quit blaming her for everything. I actually feel sorry for my mom. She basically raised my brother and I alone long before my Dad was not around. She had so much to balance without a lot of support from her own family or guidance. I always thought I had to lose weight to make her accept me, but I did not really I just had to accept she could not love me enough for myself. I know when I was a kid she did the best she could, she took me to every person she thought would listen, and tried, she was just doing it alone. It's not easy and as an adult I understand this better. These days I could not wish for a better Mom I really couldn't. She can still make me crazy, especially when it comes to food, but we have a dialogue now. We can share and learn from one another. Losing a parent is awful. It's one of the worst things that has ever happened to me, but it also gave me an access to my Mom I would not otherwise have. We pretty much touch on every topic you could imagine. There is nothing I write about here I do not discuss with her, she's not my best friend because we both keep better healthier boundaries but she is one of my biggest fans and advocates. She has undergone her own transformation while I have gone through mine. Asking hard questions, expressing hard truths, and vulnerabilities and I think it has bonded us even further. At the end of the day she tries, and I love her so much for it. If she could not comment when I eat another spoonful of carrot souflee she would be perfect. I have not taken the time to say this and felt I had to.

My Dad, that's a whole other story. I love and loved him, but he's gone and I am left with a lot of questions. On one hand I understand a lot, but now I wonder do I? I know he had a horrible childhood and had very little to no example of how to be a Dad but really? Really? At no point did it occur to him to work on himself and address his pain to be better for himself not just for us? I just do not think he could. There was so much, it would have taken a honesty he did not have. It would have meant to admitting to so much I am just not sure he was capable of. My Dad was very successful. The quintessential self made man, and I admired it so much. I think I walked blindly into those footsteps of working hard and did not really see for a long time that he hid in his success. He was the definition of I am so high functioning I can't be dysfunctional. It did not serve him well, and it might have cost him his life. He had a very high pressure, high stress job, was not in awesome health and on a business trip to Kuala Lampur dropped dead of a heart attack. He was out to dinner with colleagues about to get up to go to the airport and had a massive heart attack. He was 50 years old. So much of his life served as inspiration and warning. Be true to who you are but police it, work hard and you can overcome much, you can be flawed and find love because lordy did my mom love him. They were each others best friend and watching my Mom go through his death still haunts me on occasion. That raw pain and loss still makes me a little bit afraid of love but makes me want it all the same to know what that's like. He leaves a complicated legacy, and I have more feelings now 14 years down the road then I did before. I have these feelings maybe because I have never felt such a physical pain at losing someone in my life, and eventually went numb to it. Much like we did his things, I packed him into a little box and shelved it in my mind saying he's gone what's the point. The point is I am still here, and I was lucky enough to have him for 16 years, but it doesn't mean it didn't have it's consequences.

My parents and my family shares the same sense of humor, love of food, and obsession with dogs, an appreciation of the arts, so many things. We also all fiercely love one another. We accept sometimes we do not understand one another, we also occasionally hurt one another. I know I hurt my brother when I sent a singing hot dog telegram to his office for his birthday, but we can talk about it. I could not talk to my Dad in some ways. You had to talk around his ego, drinking, temper tantrums, his childhood, you could not talk to him about it. I miss him, and trust me I would prefer he was here instead of not but this open policy now feels good. We had to work out how to be a table for 3 instead of for 4, and it took us years. Holidays were a nightmare. We either had people join us who complicated matters, and served as a buffer or we wallowed in our collective sadness. For so long we could not share our pain, our individual pain was too great. The three of us have healed so much and now carry on as three, who never forget the fourth even if there is much we did not understand and never will.

Stuck or Settling In?

I am at the stage of life where friends are settling down and those who are already married are having kids. My oldest friend in the whole wide world has one child already. He is an adorable little boy I get to watch via facebook grow up. She lives in Arkansas so this did not really affect my life in many ways. I saw her not that long ago, she came to New York with her husband to visit. It was so great to see her, meet her husband, it had been probably 10 years at least. She said she loved being a Mom and was looking forward to baby #2. I was still sort of unfazed by this. I mean it still boggles my mind the girl I used to go on explorer missions in the neighbor's prize winning koi pond was a mom now but hey people grow up. Then she got pregnant with baby #2 and then she asked me to be the Godmother. 1. How cool?! I don't have kids or plans for them soon, but will happily take part in the fun stuff, and 2. How is it possible people my age are not only married, but have a kid, and it's now going to become kidssssss. I was still sort of not bothered by all of this kid related shennanigans. Then my second oldest friend got pregnant. I do not know why but this time it has sort of bothered me. I do not even know what the bother is. Is it that their lives are moving forward and mine is still the same? Is it that no matter how great you are as a woman that until you are picked there's that icky feeling of will I be picked?

I was talking about it with Marisa because I had journaled it. This feeling of what am I actually doing with me life? Why does it bother me other people moving forward? I have lost weight but what else? I tend to forget that I did more then lose weight. I changed my life, I have new interests, new people in my life, new habits, new friends, so much that is not easy to see on the surface and that does not have a dress, or ceremony attached to it. How do you explain what you've been up to when it's I learned how to care about myself and take care of myself? Something so many people are able to do and take for granted. She asked me are you stuck, or do you feel stuck? Maybe I am. Maybe I have grown so accustom to this new life I have become complacent in it. As for dating....I am still dating myself and I LOVE it. Taking the manhunt pressure off has felt great. I am not closed down to the idea of dating, men, or a boyfriend I am just not making it an active preoccupation. I do not want to go to parties hoping there are guys there. I want to go to have a good time, if there are some cute guys then fantastic. I want to live my life being happy within it regardless of outside things I have little to no control over. I can not control that I am single, not married, and not close to it. I can be proactive and enriching my life and not wasting time with lame-o guys that make me fall into old habits and patterns. That I can do.

I think some times when we want to change we get so focused on the things that reward us the quickest in terms of feeling good about ourselves or our progress. Addressing the disordered eating, and weight did that for me. This thing that had hung over me and dominated my life I was seeing progress in! Oh my! It has been wonderful and it has felt so good and rewarding but it is definitely the cherry picked area of growth. I need to grow in ways I am not 100% comfortable with. I am very much stagnant in other areas that do not interest me as much in dealing with. I hate being a slob. I really do. It does not make me feel good about myself but it overwhelms me so much that it's easy to ignore. It's something I am stuck in. I need to bring order to bring more calm into my life. I have done what I can addressing food, weight, health and a healthy dose of demons, and continue to do so but just like no one thing can bring you happiness no one thing can bring you calm and peace.

I am able to sit with these feelings and find out why I have them. Am I jealous of others? Not really. I am jealous they know the answer to the question in a way, but I am pretty sure I am not ready for those things yet. They still sort of freak me out. I have made the choices I made for good reasons. Since I was 18 years old I have been career focused, and when I started my first job out of school at 22 yrs old I ate, lived, breathed my career. It was one of the few things that fed my self esteem in a positive way. Now I have so much that makes me feel good about myself and that I am embracing. I can sit with something instead of denying it, and I am grateful for that. It feels good to say this unsettles me. I do not know why, it's not for the reasons everyone thinks because I am 30 and single, but because it makes me wonder is it time to put my own future at the forefront. Be the one also announcing news beyond weight loss. For now I can not wait to be a Godmomma, for realz, I could not be more excited about this and feel so blessed, loved and honored to have been asked. I also could not be happier for friend #2, she has wanted kids since forever and finally is on her way to having something I know she wants so bad. While I do not completely get the kids thing, they are awesome don't get me wrong but I can barely handle myself and a dog, I do get wanting something so badly and not being sure you would get it. Anyone can relate to that and I hope I take something away from it.

Creating Your Own Safe Place

I am having intense memory flashbacks. Some are good, some are bad, some are neither they just are. It's a weird feeling and it comes and goes. I saw Marisa today and was talking about this and she said it's because of the yoga. You are allowing yourself to be still and you are not eating. Therefore the flashbacks are happening and more is coming up. This is not so surprising. I thought it was because yoga gives me a safe place to feel. I do not feel judged, scared, or like I need to hold back. She also said more is going to come up, the more you allow yourself to be still the more that will come up, be remembered, and felt because the wall is not there.

Growing up my home was not a safe place. There was a lot of dysfunction, and I received a lot of feedback that what I was not good. I mean by what I was, inherent personality traits I had little to no control over. I was too sensitive, I was too sweet, being sweet meant I was weak, too chatty, and both my parents had horrible tempers. I was fearful a lot and not allowed to just be. I was scared to make them angry, and I did not know how to just be myself. I figured out what parts of me they liked and put those forward. This created a weird dynamic with my Dad where I felt he only loved part of me, and it made me feel like my mom disliked me more because now I was pandering. Very confusing stuff for a kid. I should have just tap danced and called it a day instead of this emotional kabuki theater. This chameleon way of peace keeping taught me how to keep up a facade. To put forward this face of nothing getting to me, to nothing bothering, or hiding behind anger because it's easy. Sadness, hurt, and vulnerability took a courage I just did not have and as an adult am just embracing. I am learning how not to do this now, to hide or deny feelings but until last week when I was eating a snack and got overwhelmed by this really powerful feeling of deja vu I had not connected my past and my present in terms of this. I knew I had a wall and hid behind food and weight but as a child when my feelings got hurt, often at the dinner table I would want to cry, leave, react in some way but that would just cause more hurt. Then I would be told I was too sensitive, it was a joke, or something negative so I would eat. I would feel the salt of my tears, or the frog in my throat and try to cover it up the quickest way I could to keep myself from gaining more negative attention or displaying and more feelings and that was by eating. I kid you not, in TWO years of self exploration and being dedicated to finding out why food is my outlet this had not come to me. TWO YEARS! Crazy. I just sat with it and thought about it and I continue to think about it.

Talking to Marisa today she said a lot is coming up and it is going to continue to do so. We talked about how some memories, questions, flashbacks do not lead to answers but to more questions you need to ask. I thought a lot of my questions were for someone, or directed at people, but really they are directed at myself. Exploring these memories, questions and things will better help me accept who I am as a result of everything. It will help me accept and know who I am which is a nice trade off for weird twilight zone moments. I never had a safe place, I did not have it have it home, and I did not find a healthy one as an adult, and the way I figured out to protect myself was not healthy or really protection. Wednesday night yoga is a safe place for me. I told Marisa I feel like for the first time I have a safe place. I have somewhere I can just be and I feel comforted by this. She said what I think is beautiful, " the safest place you have is the one you create in yourself". I look forward to continuing to create this place and in the meantime I can hang out in the strange Lifetime movie my memories put me on the edge of becoming.

Walls a coming down

I've heard all the comparisons to weight and walls. I didn't really think that was what I was doing. I didn't really know what I was doing overall, or protested my innocence in my actions. The more weight I lose the more I realize how much I protected myself. How much I had locked away and still continue to keep away from the surface. There are several emotions I still really struggle with. I struggle with giving myself permission to feel them, and to just sit with it. My impulse it either deny it or make it go away. I don't really ever want people knowing how I truly feel when something has hurt or upset me. I hid so much behind anger before and now I hide more behind the statement, "but it's okay". It usually isn't nor does it have to be, but for some reason I feel compelled to smooth it over and act too cool to be upset. I bluster, and roll out the tough routine, but hurt that's a different story.

I am learning to sit with these things. To see that being sad does not mean you are a sad person and that emotions are fleeting and not life sentences. I am learning that there is no need to be tough all the time despite that being how I got through most of my life and learned to cope. I don't always need to be tough nor is it expected from me. Not to beat the yoga drum again but it's helping me. It's really hard to just be, to be still, to just be alone with your thoughts. Not think about the past or the future but think about the present. The present is my weight is 8 pounds higher then my lowest, and 5 pounds higher then I thought it was and while that is a bummer I am mad at myself for not being on track for about 6 weeks. I have not checked in, called myself out and used the tools I have learned. I am sad that I still eat emotionally, I am sad that memories still surface that make my voice croaky to share with someone else, but I am delighted I am doing it. I am happy I am saying this upsets me, and this was a painful moment and sharing it with people I trust and know do not judge me. That feels really good. This week my food journal is more like an emotional journal and maybe that's way it just needs to be sometimes. I may never be okay with it, but I am learning I do not have to be. I just have to do it. I have to cope, not pretend to.

Please Read, Understanding Why You Gained Weight

Just in case the link isn't working for you:


http://fitbottomedgirls.com/2010/09/understanding-why-you-gained-weight/

The Hard Sell

Do you ever find yourself selling yourself to people? I do. I have no idea what happens. I am not sure when I cross this line of getting to know someone or making my own mind up to giving them the hard sell. It's part of why I took a break from dating. I was still seeking out people who made me feel who I am is not good enough. I felt like I had to be cooler, smarter, artsier, you name it and you can fill in the blank with it.

Why do I seek this out? I am not sure, but I do know that sometimes it is harder for me to not have weight to blame someone not liking or being interested in me then it is they might just not like me. It's easier to go into sell mode and try to win them over. I was not hugely aware of this until recently or what sort of people set this into motion. I am way more aware now. They may be super awesome folks but they are not for me. I test myself with them no differently then a box of cookies, I'll just be friends, or I'll just try to get them to agree to hang out. No relationship should be a mission or sell. It should be easy and two people with mutual interests getting to know one another. It takes some of the high away because it's a more level and balanced way of looking at it but at the end of the day it takes away the emotional turmoil. The downside to selling is it makes me hate myself. I decide based on my own nonsense this person's approval means something, work to get it and hate myself in the process. Their approval means nothing and I should never ever give someone I do not really know that power. The more I approve myself the less I extend it to others but this this habit of dipping into selling still lingers. I think so many of these things never go away, they are coping methods, and habits, and they never go away they just become manageable. Changing anything and sustaining it is not seeking perfection but being committed to the change I think. I am committed to not selling but being.

Not My Best Day

Saw Marisa today. Weight was up. I finally got the nerve up to ask her what the actual number is....and I am up 5 more pounds then I thought. So annoying. What's more annoying is I have been basically going in a circle for a month. Up and down the same pounds and not making an progress. I need to re-engage and get back on track but I do not know why I am even off track to begin with. Is it winter blues, work stress, worn out from the losing marathon? I do not know it could be all three. I have to take a break from some of the other mental work I have been doing to check back in and get myself on track. I am going to try really focusing on measuring my food, I have slacked on this for sure, and logging my emotions in my food journal. I just got back to journal'ing after taking a brief break and it feels good to be on track with that. I also need to throw the peanut butter I have at home out. Peanut butter every night is not a winning plan. I am also thinking about cutting out sweets again. I wonder if removing my food security blanket will make me confront whatever I am still not seeing or tapping into.

What bothers me more then the gain is that I am still turning to food emotionally. Marisa told me a story today about someone, not sure if it was a nutritionist or what who woke up one morning in Hawaii with a fierce craving for Carvel. She's like of all the things to go searching for in Hawaii, anyway the woman was eating her carvel ice cream and a memory about her father came to her because it was something they enjoyed together and realized what she really wanted was a hug. She went home asked her husband to hug her and found the hug felt better then the ice cream tasted. I thought this was an interesting story but for me it does not always work that way. It is not always so clear what I am masking, avoiding, running from or not seeing to. I do not always know or understand why I reach for sweets instead of dealing. I take it as the craving for sweet not the craving for something else. This is part of why I am where I am today. I hope to one day be able to see what I really need and not reach for the food. I know I will get there I just do not know how at the moment. It leaves me restless but not reaching for food which is one step in the right direction. It will do for tonight.

And now...

I need a full body photo, but this will do for now. Anyway I love this picture because Melissa looks so cute and in the moment, and I despite no make up, being sweaty and dressed in glamor sweats look happy and relaxed. I don't even really care about how thin I look compared to old photos, I am not scanning for things to get excited about. I just like that I look relaxed and happy. This was New Years and probably the most recent photo I have.

Feb 2010

This was one of the first photos I saw of myself that helped me realize the progress I had made. I felt huge still and was really wrestling with it. Thank you LJ for photographic evidence I was changing!

Sharing helps the Healing Right?

Photos are still a little dicey. I am always afraid of what I might be confronted by. When I was at my biggest I had a really well constructed bubble of delusion. No joke I think I shaved half my body off with my own magical blinders. This is one of my photos that helped me get real and realize. This was April 2009 about when I started seeing Marisa.

Please Check Out

My friend Melissa's blog! She and her boyfriend Tyler and gone live with The Meaty Vegan in blogland! I have no idea why but my blog is not the most link friendly, click on Please Check Out and it will take you there, but just in case below is the url.



meatyvegan.blogspot.com

Really? You? Shy? Never!

I read so much this weekend my head is spinning. I read a really interesting blog entry by, http://healthylosergal.blogspot.com

She was discussing her own anxieties and struggles overcoming shyness. I can completely relate. I am incredibly shy until I know someone. I hate meeting people alone or going to something alone and I would probably get a Mohawk before I went to a party by myself. All of this has shocked the people who know me. I am outgoing, but am I really I am really good at faking being comfortable and at ease. I mean I did it for years. I pretended I was okay with my weight for over a decade so what's social ease compared to that? I was really good at hyping up my personality, being funny, outrageous, and acting bold when really I did not feel it at all. I think I got so good at it I bought it. I bought my own lie and it has been interesting sorting through this now.

When I was really in the throes of disordered eating and my world was sort of crumbling in around me there was some comfort in just giving up. In isolating. I quit making an effort, excuses anything and just isolated. Rather then feel insecure, uncomfortable, why not just not try at all? This worked for a hot minute and then I felt even worse. It became an island of sadness honestly. I am a social creature by nature. How do you find that balance between shyness and social? The weight was a physical barricade that forced me to overcome it. I was not going to be judged for being fat by god! I was going to act soooooo amazing you saw everything but that. Uhm....that's a really bad logic Anna....like really bad. It's not natural or fair at all to yourself and completely contributed to my whole who I am is not good enough. I never navigated anything as just myself. I hid behind my job, weight, friends, a whole host of things. I always had some prop or way to hide in a role. I thought of so much social interaction as performance art to ease my anxieties.

Having lost the weight and the desire to perform it's been interesting adjusting now. I have some anxiety but I can sit with it. I can acknowledge it and say I am uncomfortable but I'll make it. What's been really cool and helped me move forward is the response I have gained from people. The more I put myself out there the more I get back. To move forward though I had to realize I did not struggle socially because of my weight. I struggled socially because I had anxiety and I did not like myself. Who wants to present someone to the world they do not like? I am so glad I lost weight but I am always more grateful I regained myself. I like myself enough to care now and invest in myself and feel good about presenting that person to the world.

Blog overload

I mentioned I got an ipad for Christmas, and now I find myself losing hours of my life to it most nights. I have been on a blog binge. I have been reading, following, and loving it. Please send me your faves or if I do not already follow you let me know. I also am getting more and more into twitter. I feel less and less like my mom trying to figure out email back in the day and like I am getting it. This has introduced me to all sorts of people, blogs, articles, and more. Anyway the coolest thing I found is FitBloggin '11. It is a networking event for anyone who blogs about health, wellness, fitness, good food, and a healthy lifestyle. I sort of longingly thought about it and then i signed up. It is in May and I already can not wait. It makes me super nervous and a little scared but in a really good way. I even booked my hotel room. Thank you ipad for not giving me an out and making me commit. I love this blog and I owe it to myself to make it the best blog it can be. I mean it is one of my resolutions to push it right? I am nervous and scared but luckily i have months to suss those feelings out and plan an outfit.

Article

Below is a link to emotions being held on to in the hips....pretty interesting stuff actually.

The Magazine of Yoga

The Magazine of Yoga

So That's The Reason My Hips Are This Way

Have you ever heard the body holds on to emotion? I have and a few years ago probably would have scoffed at the idea and treated it to a fair share of mocking. I believe in it now. How much or how intensely who knows but I think we hold on to much more then we even realize. If we can hide out from ourselves and lose so much in our subconscious is it really so crazy to think we can not bury things within ourselves?

I have been thinking about this a lot. I have entered a phase of self honesty that is like crashing waves of stinging honesty constantly. So far so good. I do not want to run or hide but does not mean it's easy or always feels good, and in some ways there is no going back. It's having your delusional blinders completely removed. I also wonder what still is within me I am not seeing or dealing with. I do not feel a need to prod it will come up and there's no need to push the waves into tsunami realm now is there? I think about my hips a lot though. I have heard from multiple people, yoga classes, and around the way that the hips for women is where we carry and hold on to emotion. I still carry a fair amount of extra weight in my hips and thighs. Super frustrating. My upper body is looking pretty good but the more tone it gets the more I feel it emphasizes the bottom. Whatever we all have our areas where weight drifts, but what if it is also emotion? I mean call me crazy but for realz I am a several sizes different on the top and bottom, something is up. I wish my hips would just have a good cry about it and move on, but something tells me it is not that easy. Maybe they need their own nutritional therapist to not store their feelings? I am only half kidding. I have been told a lot lately my hips are very open so hopefully they will be emotionally open to. Hips, I am always here if you need me or want to talk about something Love Anna.

So? Hum? Huh?

I had another private yoga lesson with Melissa last night. Really amazing. First of all I have had a headache for about three days now. I have been predisposed to weather related migraines for many moons but getting a good chunk of the junk out of my diet has drastically reduced them. Anyway I think I had a snow related migraine going. We met last night and I was super tired, and in pain, I have some work related stress cooking to just to really bring it all home, within 10 minutes I would say the headache was gone and so much tension from my body I did not even know I was holding was beginning to melt away.

I give yoga a lot of credit for this, but I do not give enough credit to Melissa herself. She's a true love and light kind of lady. Her energy is great, positive, and just play awesome but how I feel around her is important here. I had an epiphany last night, I feel great, safe, and MYSELF. A light bulb went off. I feel no need to be anyone other then who I am, or any way then I feel in that that moment in her company. The element of feeling safe has really helped me get out of my comfort zone, let her touch my gross feet during practice, chant, do an om, and really check my ego at the door and ask questions, continue to push myself and be open to learning. Last night in shivasana, corpse pose she mentioned a chant you can do to help quiet the mind and focus on the breath, it's saying So when you inhale and hum when you exhale, and first it sounded to me a little so long farewell sound of music. I made myself drop that cloak of snarky humor though and did what I should focused o my breathing and quieting my mind. I am getting better at getting rid of the clutter. In my mind, my life, not my handbags, or apartment, but it will come. Just have to breathe and stay in the present.

Melissa is not the only friend I have that I can really just anna out with. I have others, but it was good to be reminded and reconnected to continuing to strengthen those relationships. To really know what that feels like and stay connected to it. I have a real habit of hiding out with people, playing roles, or making excuses for people's behavior that makes me feel less then good. I do not want to anymore. It takes a lot of energy and while it feels fun or harmless and like I can keep myself "safe" playing a role, I can't and I don't. It just takes me further away from myself and disconnecting from myself got me super over weight. No es bueno. Quieting my mind and making myself sit with some hard truths is making some tough thoughts come up, but I am grateful for them. They challenge me and just sitting with it is hard, but growing is pretty neat and feeling in the midst of transforming is worth some discomfort.

Solo Mission

Anyone got any tips or suggestions for my maiden voyage? Since I am in NY and just got hit with a lot of snow I am tempted to try a few days somewhere warm but thoroughly open to suggest. Anyone taken a trip on their own and loved it, hated it, made it a tradition?

Those Little Steps

I am embracing cooking more and wanting to get out of my ruts and into the kitchen. I want to be able to recreate things I like, make what I want when I want it, and continue building a healthy relationship with food by preparing my own. Cooking allows you to take back control and eat what you want the way you want it prepared. I very much like this idea. Lucky for me Marisa, my nutritionist, is a MAJOR foodie. She loves food, very much embraces it. She also is quite the cook. She's been giving me tips and we're going to start working on recipes. I realized though in session with her yesterday before I get too far ahead of myself cooking and collecting recipes I need to organize my kitchen. It is not organized well at all. It's very haphazard. One of my overall goals is to get organized and I get super overwhelmed and do nothing. For realz, not a damn thing. I just sort of move piles around. I think this weekend I will attack the kitchen. It's a little area that needs lots done but can be attacked in a weekend. At least then I have one piece addressed despite my fantasies of making 10 course meals, living in a spotless apartment and the kind of girl who can wear a spotless white coat all by magic. Instead I will do the prep and set a nice foundation so I can actually sustain a change. I will also probably remain a spiller for the rest of my days, my Dad always said I looked good in anything I ate. Le sigh, no white coat for me in my future but a usable kitchen.

Numbers

I try to stay away from numbers. They are not generally a real positive thing and a really good way to get thrown. I try to stay away from saying exactly how much weight I have lost to date, this week, or what size I am or where I want to end up being. I do this because it should not matter to me or you. We should be doing the best we can to be the healthiest we can. This was brought home to me having a conversation with a friend the other night. She has been a great supporter of this endeavor of mine, and she is a very healthy, and balanced lady. She gets her eat on when she wants to but also does not mess around when it comes to working out and striving for some balance. Anyway she asked me if people asked me for totals or if it bothered me. Yes they do, and yes it does. It bothers me for a few reasons, 1. it's like that vouches for what I've done or validates my achievement, and 2. it makes me uncomfortable because it's a wee bit embarrassing to admit you were that overweight before. She said in her own experience recommending my blog (told you, she's awesome and a great supporter), that people often immediately asked how much weight has she lost? How much I've lost is not important, what is much more important and relevant if you ask me is what I have gained. I have gained confidence, skills, and knowledge I previously did not have. I do not bother to tell these people that. They just want the sexy facts. Big numbers, magical answers, how to eat cake and not gain weight and other silliness. They do not want to examine their behavior, have sometimes crushingly honest moments with themselves and most importantly take a risk and change. I stay away from numbers because they do not matter. They serve a purpose to guide me to give me a reference but what size I end up, weight, or total pounds lost is of no interest to me. Numbers let you down because they belittle what you have actually done and achieved they are given a credit they do not deserve. The numbers did nothing and are a tiny shred of proof of something you actually did. I thank beazel for bringing this up and helping me articulate a point I have meant to discuss many times over, and more then anything I thank and appreciate her for the empathy to see it from my side.

Cheers to Friday & Lady Dates

I got an ipad for Christmas and have to say its the greatest thing i never knew i wanted. Forgive any gross spelling errors though please. Anyway I am waiting for a friend and she's running late. I thought about wandering to kill time but it's 20 degrees outside. Now i am sitting at a table having a glass of wine and life is good. I have in the past had a real aversion to eating in public. I felt judged and of course assumed everyone was thinking about me. They're not and if they are it is probably directed at my awesome scarf. It is really freeing to be able to be alone and not anxious. I am also hanging with a friend i usually do not see one on one which is cool to. Got to foster those frienships. We're seeing Blue Valentine tonight. Perfect lady date. Tomorrow i have yoga with Jen the awesome who designed my logo. It! Is her return to yoga after a break and i think my incessant talking about it at work made her want to get back to it. Have to say it made a nice change to be the person encouraging a healthy activity instead of going for BBQ or something. Its going to be fun and relaxing which us a great start to the weekend. Hope everyone is tucked up warm and getting ready for a great weekend. Whats everybody up to? Do weekends scare anyone? They used to scare me, a lot of bad stuff used to go down. Hibernating, hating that I had isolated myself, and some eating of feelings. Blech. So glad those days are over. So glad I made the effort to rebuild and strengthen friendships, make new ones and learn what was good for me. I need alone time, Anna time is key to my happiness but I am also a social creature and have to honor that. Balance, balance, we'll all learn to improve it one day at a time.

Happy Blog-aversary!

What a year, a few things I am leaving behind...

1. Negative body image, it's so 2010

2. Coasting on previous weight loss success, yep you have lost a total of 127 pounds now what? It's time to step to losing that last 30 pounds!

3. Holding myself back because of who I was. I am not who I was a year ago or even three months ago.

4. Disorganized! No more Josey Grossy!

5. Sticking to safe food ruts.

Very Interesting

My father was an alcoholic. Granted he never admitted it, but I assure you he was and I stumbled across this article about alcoholism and obesity. I have never had an issue with alcohol. Part of that is I get wicked hangovers. So not worth it. I also think I was just always more interested in overindulging in other things...



http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20110104/hl_hsn/familyhistoryofalcoholismmayraiseobesityrisk

Bear with me

All the recent comments have me catching feelings. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for reading, commenting, following. All of it. It really means so much to me. I was watching a documentary the other night and a lady filmaker being interviewed said about why she makes the films she does, " if it's not said then everyone will think they are the only one." That quote completely sums up and defines why I am doing this. I felt so alone and like why can't anyone help me. Why can no doctor, nutritionist, dietitian, diet, book, you name it help me? When I started treatment I finally realized I just wasn't that cool. I was not so super unique, special or beyond comprehension. I was a part of someone bigger then I felt at that time. Marisa is so amazing at what she does and even though when I started I didn't like her because she called me out and saw behind my wall I respected her. I not only respected her but felt comforted so much by the fact that I was not the only one. She asked me have you ever felt this way and I was shocked, things I had never told anyone or even acknowledged to myself. Pretty powerful stuff for me at that point in time. It made me have to get honest and realize it was now or never. I either admitted I wasn't happy, I was worn out pretending I was and I needed and wanted help or I struggled and remained unhappy. I was ready to bring the wall down. Discovering this and finding success I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted to tell every person I knew who dieted or was unhappy with their weight. I feel less compelled to do that now. I just feel compelled to say you are not alone. You deserve to have the body you want, to feel good in your body and mind and you can do it. It does not matter what anyone has told you including yourself, you can do it. You are far stronger then you know. I thought I was tough stuff two years ago. I was a marshmallow compared to who I am now. It was a shell. A facade. It wasn't real. Now I am physically strong and mentally strong and can continue to share, struggle, learn and grow and I am lucky enough to do it with all of you. I am so lucky and grateful. We all have to save ourselves but we do not have to do it alone.

It's the night before

It's my blog's birthday eve. I feel like I should get it something, but probably pass on cake....I can't believe it's been a year or almost a year. So much to let go of and so much to embrace. Some thoughts to marinate on before I go to spin class. Have a great night one and all peeps who check this out.

Sometimes You Need to be Called Out

I saw Marisa today. I was up, not sure by how much because I did not want to know. I was not and remain not surprised. I hate falling into the it's the holidays trap but it does make watching your eating a lot harder. Marisa called me out on some great points that I thought were really worth it to share.

I have been undergoing a lot of personal transformation in the past few weeks and have been checked out from my weight loss is point number one. There is and isn't some truth to this. I have found the less I focus on weight loss specifically the more successful I am. When I am doing things that are living a healthy life focused, sticking to eating well and mindfully, exercising, and managing my stress the weight comes off. When I focus solely on weight loss I feel like I slip backward into diet mentality and feel miserable like my life focuses around weight loss. I have to find a balance though because at the end of the day I am not at my goal weight. Expanding on that point not only am I not at my goal weight I am not happy about that fact. I have lost weight in the past, 75 pounds, 50 pounds, 40 pounds at a time, and every single time I have given up before reaching my goal regained the weight and more. Every time. I was at one point afraid of that history repeating itself. I do think I could regain some weight I mean I did over the holidays, but since I have been seeing Marisa the most weight I have regained has been 2 pounds. Two years, two pounds, not to shabby if I act like a bragasaurus. I do trust myself to continue to lose weight and reach my goal whatever number that might be, but I also have to be real with myself it is not going to happen without me continuing to evolve and deal with new challenges as I have this entire time.

The second point I thought was super interesting was we were talking about being around the fam which in the past has been a huge trigger for me. I stood up to my mom and brother in separate occasions and did not eat emotionally over the holiday. Marisa flagged while I did not eat emotionally I did not pay attention to health. I have been so wrapped up in assessing whether or not I am motivated by emotion, or preventing a binge that if those two components are not there then I give a green light to eat. Hmmmmm she has a major point there and I had not thought about it. I had not bothered to see how little I really need to fear emotionally eating or binging really anymore and I can not hide behind it. I have to give myself permission to have things, but for example when I was escaping Atl and driving into snowmageddon we stopped at Chik-fil-a. I think if you are from Georgia there is something in your DNA which makes you think this is the best thing on the planet. The original sandwich is one tasty affair. I had one, and not only that but fries. Marisa pointed out, you wanted the fried sandwich which is fine you do not make a habit of fried food but you also say how you felt gross by the eating at home did you need the fries? No I didn't and not because they are fattening, fried, or anything but because fries do not mean that much to me. They are a great vehicle for ketchup but really what I wanted was the sandwich. The sandwich also has a little hidden meaning in it....Classically my mom would get these and I was not allowed to have it because it was fattening. She could have one, depending on her health kick but I never could. I gave myself permission, awesome. I'm the boss of me, but Marisa is right I did not have to have the fries. I think part of what holds me back is not so much fear of slipping back, but a hesitance to really embrace this new identity. I eat well and healthy pretty often because I enjoy it. I feel better, my body runs better, I sleep better, I do not have acid reflux attacks, my skin looks better, I lose weight, I feel better about myself when I do choose to indulge, the list goes on but really I do it for me. Not for a fantasy idea of who I want to be, or how I want to be perceived but for me. I strive to be healthy and I am out and proud about that and need to own it. I am not perfect I love me some sweets, sweet potato fries (naturally), love to get my pork on, think pimento cheese hung the moon, love chocolate and peanut butter, and plenty of other indulgences which would not be blowing up any healthy eating blogs, but if eaten in moderation are a-okay. At the end of the day I eat healthy because I want to not because I have to. I also eat healthy because I do not want to worry about my weight the rest of my life and my Dad dropped dead of a heart attack at 50 years old. I do lose my ish when it comes to sweets and I will have to work on being more vigilant about that. I love sugar. I could write an ode, or sonnet to it, but it's sort of a one sided relationship. It doesn't really give me very much back.

Marisa and I talked about that, we all have something we have less control around then other things. I do not struggle with sweets because of an eating disorder, I struggle around sweets because it's my kryptonite. How do you deal with this? You call yourself out. You say Anna you may have that but you get one, not the four you are going to want to have. You stay connected and remember your goals. I have to say to myself what do you want more? Those gray jeans that you have lusted after but do not feel terribly confident in yet or this piece of candy, chocolate, cake whatever it is. I can not break up with sweets because I do enjoy them and I do not want to deprive myself, but I have to really concentrate on building a manageable relationship with them.

I have to learn how to not just green light something because it is not emotionally fueled, stay connected to my ultimate goal without obsessing, and accept sweets equal a reality check in bitch slap.

Jinxed myself

Interview is postponed. Will keep y'all posted. On another note have my first private yoga lesson tonight! Wool hoooo so excited!

Cray Cray!

I got a super exciting email and request last night....I have been asked to be interviewed for a segment on food addiction! Once I have all the details I will fill you all in...totally freaked but really excited. Definitely something I am passionate about.

Makes me Laugh

I kept my fitperez video to 5 resolutions because I try to keep the videos under 2:30 minutes but I gave all of you the real deal. 5 versus 20 makes me laugh. Please check my blog to get inundated with my thoughts and goals!

This Week's Ish That Scares Me

I am kicking this around as a feature so bear with me. My thinking is putting it out there and sharing it with the interweb makes me more accountable. So this week's challenge is a Bar Method class! It's called bodyBARRE at my gym but same diff. I have been dying to try it but total scaresville about it. This week I am going tomorrow night! Come hell come high water. If you are interested in reading about it below is a link:


http://www.barmethod.com/

Answers for T.B.D.

I love the blog thebingediary.blogspot.com, I mean I truly, really, madly love it. The humor and honesty just continually blows me away. Anyway the writer of the The Binge Diary asked me a few questions so I am going to answer them in a post because I think they are good ones.

1. It seems like you lost a lot of weight pretty fast. What did you do to do this?

I actually started blogging about a year into my weight loss. The weight loss has not gone that fast, about 2 years and I am over 100 pounds down. My weight loss accelerated about the time I started the blog when I had some breakthroughs and was able to truly do this for myself and not care about doing it for any other reason. It helped me get more honest and accountable and more weight started to come off.

2. How does your intuitive eating work? Can you explain it in a post? Do you and your dietitian just discuss it after the fact?

Intuitive eating sounds easy but takes time and patience. It is eating what you want when you want it mindfully in it's simplest form. This at first was AWESOME for me at helping me eliminate fear foods, diet mentality and all sorts of other negative behaviors but it took about a year before I was really able to grasp it. Then I ran into a problem where I was definitely giving myself too much permission. I want it, therefore must have it. Interestingly this was more about sweets and desserts....I had to learn there denying but not depriving. If I had a cookie after lunch I really didn't need dark chocolate after dinner regardless of being allowed it. For the first six months of working with Marisa she really monkey'ed with my food very little. It was so much more emotional, the whys, the triggers, what was food masking, and so on because even if I had had a food plan I would not have been able to stick to it because food was still an outlet and crutch. Once I became better at knowing what food meant to me I was able to eat more intuitively because the previous meanings had been removed. I was not a lot more free to find out what my body liked and craved. I also removed a lot of processed food. It really messes up your cravings and makes it infinitely harder to get on to track. Marisa and I still review my food journal most weeks and the dialogue has really changed, before it would be 3 servings of x what was going on there, or lots of cookies this day what was behind that, and now it's more rounding out and refining my nutrition and keeping me accountable. I eat a lot of roast veggies, am I having 1 cup, 3 cups or 1/2 cup. She doesn't care what the answer is but she wants me to be aware and accountable. Below are some resources about intuitive/mindful eating.

http://www.amazon.com/Eating-Mindfully-Mindless-Balanced-Relationship/dp/1572243503/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1294075810&sr=8-4


http://www.amazon.com/Intuitive-Eating-Revolutionary-Program-Works/dp/0312321236/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294075843&sr=1-1


Geneen Roth is a big intuitive eating guru, I think some of what she says is brills and other things a bit much, but she may resonate with you.

http://www.geneenroth.com/



3. How can you exercise SO much? I hate it and just can't make myself go to the gym at all. HELP!

I was not such a fan at the very beginning. I worked out with a trainer twice a week, and did cardio 4-5 times a week. I did 30 mins on the treadmill. It took several months before I started to feel less self conscious and got hooked. I really love exercising now. It makes me feel so much better about myself, it's something I do exclusively for myself, and it helps me be able to eat in a way which celebrates food and all that it has to offer in a healthy manner and not obsess about each and ever morsel. After about a year I was in much better shape, through strength training has seen significant improvements and changes in my body and was growing bored. I loved my comfort zone of hop on the treadmill and knock it out. I did not want to leave it. First I had to add another day, more time, and more incline. This was working really well for me and then I got shin splints. They got really painful and I was FREAKING out about not being able to work out and was working out with the shin splints which was a terrible idea. I met Melissa in the locker room at Clay she invited me to her spin class the next day, I decided to not be a wuss and go and I added spinning into my repertoire. She also got me to try yoga and I added that in. Now I run, spin, yoga, and a few other things that I L-O-V-E. If I don't love it I don't do it. I may not like it each and every work out, and not every work out is a good one, but I leave each one feeling better then before I started it. I work out mornings, and evenings depending on schedule. I prefer evening so I can really decompress and leave my day behind to reclaim my evening. It's my time, no phone, no email, just TV watching, or music and sweating. I also belong to a gym I love. There's no scene, it's a great group of healthy people who are sweet, kind, supportive, and it's little. I felt painfully self conscious when I started but you know what it was one of my first lessons in no one is looking at you or thinking about you. They were all focused on their fitness. What helped me as well was I didn't need to work out because I was overweight, I needed to work out in order to be healthy. Everyone does regardless of body, weight, age, unless you have been blessed with invincibility you have to work out. My advice would be to make a project out of it. Go to every gym in your area, see if you like the vibe at any, think about getting a trainer to have an ambassador of fitness, REALLY HELPED ME, or try classes in your area, invite friends to check out a class, see if there is a YMCA with classes in your area. The great thing about working out is it gives you a safe zone of healthy, it's a place to take feelings food can not soothe anymore and work them out without even trying. Just the act alone will do it. It also will give you a whole new community. I have made several friends through my gym and feel like Norm from Cheers when I go there, and it makes me feel good they have seen my hard work and noticed it and I am known by name not number. That alone is worth a lot of work outs I didn't want to do.

Yoga Party Pic

How adorable is Melissa in the middle? I mean have you ever seen an adult with such an inner 5 yr old smile? Lovesit. I also enjoy her tube top with sports bra ensemble. Next to her is Jeffrey who taught the first portion of the class. I thought he was awesome and loved his style and approach. Melissa is also a big fan of his. They are both sweet people I am a big fan of. I am also now a fan of any party I get to go to where I don't have to do my hair, wear make up and can walk around barefoot.

There was bindi wearing involved

New Years was magical, weird, totally out of my comfort zone and completely awesome. I learned a lot. The night began with me arriving and having a bindi applied to my forehead. I quickly realized that my snarky side would need to be checked at the door along with my snow boots. There were probably 40 plus people there. When Melissa arrived I felt 1000 times better. The cool thing about the yoga community is you couldn't wish a more welcoming and nonjudgemental group of people. Doesn't mean I still wasn't going to feel a smudge insecure. We started with chanting which makes me feel utterly ridonk, but when I let that go and thought about what I was going to leave behind in 2010 and not bring into 2011 part of that is the girl who out of insecurity will scoff instead of just try. I don't want to live my life as the person in the corner making fun of those not afraid to get out on the dance floor and look foolish but I want to live. I don't want to be safe and think I know what people are saying. I want to act foolish, be foolish, and not afraid of what others think. You know why? 1. You have about a million times more fun and 2. Most people are rarely if ever thinking about what you are doing and if they are it's probably motivated from their own fears and insecurities. I digress so the class was taught by three instructors rotating. They were going to have a beginner and advanced but mixed it. This class was not for the faint of heart. I sweat my bindi off. For real. That's not a yoga expression for a butt kicking work out but should be. I thought a lot when I could or was supposed to during class. I thought about other things I want to leave behind and things I want to bring into my life. I really want care less about what I look like and I was in the right place. The people I was surrounded by take such joy in their bodies and what they can do not what they look like. They were at ease. I didn't have to ask to know. It was pretty cool place for me to be after the past year. The class was challenging but there such cool moments. I was able to do my first bind, that's right check me out, did partnered with with Melissa, and survived the 2.5 hour class. That's right TWO HOURS. I am so encouraged to keep learning and practicing and so excited to work on this. I am so excited to not just check this off the list and run away but to actually invest myself. To not just be tourist but to commit. Part of me post class just wanted to go home and call it a day. Nope more things I was scared of to suss out. First up the raw food bar. As you know I take food seriously, now I am able to let go because meals are not a chance to have some happiness but to refuel. The food was pretty awesome. Gessine who made it is a really cool lady I hope to get to know. Super cool, laid back and talented. She also makes a mean raw coconut macarroon. I had a little this a little that and drank about ten bottles of water. I met a lot of the wonderful people who make up sonic yoga and then it was time for kirtan. I am still not positive what kirtan is if you look it up the definition is sanskrit chanting. There was a super cool instrument I had only seen in movies and pictures and people generally just getting down. It was pretty cool. Then the 5, 4,3,2,1 countdown and the new year was here. Lots of clinking of glasses, and hugs. I was really happy to be with someone who has been one of my biggest fans and greatest friends this year. Melissa is a fearless, wonderful, open hearted person, who just oozes positivity and it's amazingly genuine and not at all isolating because she is honest about the work she does to be who she is. It's a pretty cool blend you rarely find in people. Next up on the things I thought I wouldn't find myself doing list... Trance dancing. Did you know there are yoga dj's? I didn't. Sonic had an awesome dj who spun during class and then for the trance dancing. Trance dancing could be described as bugging out but being blessed with good moves and superb physical awareness. I was so busy watching people I would forget to move. I'm not there yet but who knows what can happen. You have to really let go. I hope to get better at that. All in all it was a pretty great night and definitely one of the more memorable parties I have ever been to. I didn't get home until close to 4am cause yogis get down. I was pretty sore and sleepy for Egon the next day but he gave me a slight pass since I wasn't Huntington but yoga'ed over.

I could go on and on about the symbolism of starting the year like this or ending last year that way but I'll save it for when I am not exhausto and need to get my cardio in instead of coasting on yoga fumes. I will say thank you Melissa for continuing to challenge me and be my yoga security blanket. If you're ever in NYC and need yoga advice she's your girl. Also if you're ever in NYC and need a super welcoming place to try yoga I highly recommend sonic. Their site is sonic yoga.com.