New Years!

I can barely believe that the holidays have come and gone and now it's New Year's Eve. I have a boat load of resolutions. These are less resolutions but the goals I want to focus on. My plans this evening address two of them. I am doing something that scares me and it's yoga focused. Pretty impressed with myself already knocking two out. Only half kidding. Below is the big list:

1. Shave a minute off my mile
2. Continue my yoga practice, which I will be doing tonight AND Melissa is going to start giving me private classes Wednesday nights, what up!

3. Take a trip on my own
4. Date myself until I am at peace with my own company
5. Continue per suing a healthy life and identity outside my weight
6. Work on seeking stronger internal validation and seeking external for what onlywhatiknow to be true
7. Take a cooking course
8. Nurture healthy relationships
9. Cut toxic relationships
10. Push my writing on blog & fitperez videos
11. Do things I am afraid of ( doing this tonight, kirtan? More like scare- tan)
12. Have the continued confidence to be myself and continue figuring out who that is
13. Organize my apartment
14. Make my apartment feel like a reflection of me and not cave of dysfunction
15. Fix my front teeth
16. Get better at saving money
17. Push myself out of my cardio/strength training comfort zone
18. Continue redefining my exercise goals because I still do not grasp my potential
19. Meet with plastic surgeons to formulate an excess skin plan
20. Quit just working and re-engage with my career plan

This is a lot but the coolest thing for me is one of these is not to lose weight. Been there done that. One of my biggest goals and motivations when I started this process was to get new problems because I was so sick of the constant weight loss focus. I got my wish, lots of new things to obsess my heart out on.what are your goals, hopes, dreams for 2011? Happy New Year's everyone, you mean more to me then you could ever know!

OMG!

I feel like a 5 year old who got a gold star at school! My first blog award. Thank you, thank you, thank you Fat Fries, Please! I love your blog, the emphasis on self acceptance, the honesty, and laugh out loud humor make me fall a little in love every read. Okay passing this on to 5 other blogs with that little bit extra:

http://nomnomsforeveryone.tumblr.com/

http://thebingediary.blogspot.com/

http://fatbridesmaid.com/

http://results-not-typical-girl.com/wordpress/

http://www.weightinvain.com/

Shameless Twitter Plug

After getting over my twitter fears and feeling far less overwhelmed by it I am into it. There are so many people out there with similar struggles. I knew that intellectually but to keep seeing person after person who is changing their lifestyle and doing it one day at a time is so cool. Anyway follow me on twitter or don't, but check it out. It really is nice to realize how many people out there to share a similar struggle.

http://twitter.com/DiaryFFA

And some more

More pics

Some Pics from the Holidays and Drive

Spoke to soon

The holidays went pretty well. Everyone got along well, yummy food was made and eaten, presents were well received and then snowmageddon hit. I got trapped in Atlanta. My brother was having a pretty full on meltdown in regards to it. The airports were closed, and the thousands of people were stranded but he still wanted to take it all personally. I saw something interesting, my brother has interesting coping skills, but more then anything he still seeks a lot of control in his life. I never hugely sought to control my environment. I did in terms of making sure I can that eat alone time but I have generally always been flexible. He has another addiction to alone time, and smoking pot that he needs to regularly serve that was fueling this meltdown. It was nice to be dealing with my own hang ups so I was not frantic at the thought of being somewhere else. I had what I needed my dog, my books, my family and the rest will work out. When our flights got canceled Monday and we were informed we would be lucky to leave on Thursday I thought my brother was going to have a heart attack. For Realz. That's when we decided to drive. I was daunted at the idea of 15 hours with a sibling but it actually wasn't too bad. We sang, we chatted, we ate some junk food, and we made it out alive. I had my own internal meltdown at the thought of not being able to snack healthy or eat "real" food for hours, but we packed a cooler and I tried to be good about drinking water. When it was all said and done I did pretty well. I ate reasonably well and more then anything learned I have strengthened my coping skills not just for food but life. If I can handle 15 hours in the car I can handle anything.

O' Brother Where Art Thou?

So far so good....Mom's spirits are high, my brother is relatively deal withable and I am surrounded my dogs which makes me happy. Yesterday I regained a little control by going grocery shopping. I don't drive, as in it's not a choice but I don't have license. My brother was nice enough to take me to the grocery store so I could get some essentials. I got oatmeal, sliced raw almonds, roast turkey, greek yogurt, and English muffins. This helped me feel more in control of my options around the house. My Mom has a real mish mash of food available, and she can have half an apple, some brie and a few crackers and call it lunch...I can not.
I'm trying something different this year. Usually I just eat what's available and then rebel a little on my way home, no joke airport Chik-fil-a in concourse A, not my concourse why yes I think I will, and I would like to avoid that. It's a tough line between having some comfort but not eating emotionally. Being completely out of food control for 4 days is not a good idea for me. I can hang to a certain degree and not stress but at some point I say well I can't control it might as well REALLY go for it. My goal as it has been this holiday season is not to gain.

I went to the Nutcracker last night and after a vodka soda and then a bellini at dinner, this felt like the longest ballet ever. We took my baby cousins who are not such babies anymore but are super adorable little girls. One of them at dinner was telling me how much room she had in her belly for dessert and how she really likes breakfast and dessert but not lunch and dinner so much. I said so you like sweets huh, and she, replied with the starry eyes sweets bring, oh yes. The most interesting part was a six year old then proceeded to inform me that she tries not to eat that many because too many sweets are not good for you. I was blown away, she then told me how she had learned about it at school in health. It was pretty cool to see how she had grasped it and it wasn't a body issue but a health one. There's hope for all of us yet if we have six year old cousins to educate us.

My brother who I have a complicated relationship with, also tried to "compliment" me by telling me how from behind I looked much thinner and he could really see my results starting, and the beginning of a waist but the backs of my legs didn't look so good and were clearly still my trouble area. Uhm I've lost over 100 pounds jerk. If it took you until now to start to see something get your eyes checked. He then started suggesting some things I could do to work on the backs of my legs. My brother is hardly the epitome of health. He has eaten his way through every fast food restaurant in Atlanta and full on admitted he was going to eat emotionally while here. Anyway my point is not to vent about him or diagnose his issues but rather that I shot him down. I said dudeski do me a favor and do not discuss my body. I said you're giving me a backhanded compliment and it's just weird. Rather then sucking it up and just nodding it felt good to call him out and bring it to his attention. He doesn't do this to compliment me despite him trying to protest his innocence. I really do question the goodness of his intentions. I think he does it because it's an arena he feels up and feels I'm down in standard sibling rivalry. Regardless of his intention I am not going to put up with it. He can have his issues and I can have mine but when it comes to my body I'm the sheriff of this town and can control the conversation.

It's Christmas Eve and we have a party every year. I plan to not eat any feelings and just enjoy catching up with everyone and not letting anyone else's issues bring me down. Hop everyone is having a lovely day and has a lovely healthy holiday.

Round Up

What a lovely session with Marisa today. I had missed her! Now that I am sort of through the woods of emotionally draining sessions and get to direct more what I want to address I really love my sessions. It's so great to have this place to go with confusion and either walk away with clarity or at least be better with no answers. I also lost 2.5 pounds which truthfully I was shocked by. More because of being sick and not working out then my food choices. I find it really interesting taking the pressure off to lose resulted in a loss. It was a delightful surprise. I also shared my goals for 2011 which I will put here to when I get a moment. Hope everyone is well and having a good week. I am off to Atlanta tomorrow to kick off the holidays. I am SO EXCITED!

In Other Non-Men Related News

I'll see Marisa on Tuesday after her vaca. I am a little troubled I might be up because of being sick and not working out, and some less then healthy choices. I have lots to discuss with her, and lots to plan ahead to. I have some new non-weight loss centric goals to share with her. Egon and I set goals for me to work on in the gym, it's going to be good. I refuse to get bogged down by what the scale could say.

You Know What's Better Then Therapy?

A friend who gives you therapy via text message. I love Tina. I truly do. I had some harsh epiphanies last night and started text bombing/panicking on her. In a few sweet messages later I was much calmer and reassured. I am learning as I move past the food stuff there's other stuff to be worked through. The harsh realization is I am still not 100% okay being alone with myself and my thoughts. I still want to distract and suppress. I may not use food anymore but there are other ways around this. I have to deal with it. I have things I want to accomplish, and healthy ways I want to further encourage and strengthen. Looking forward to heading home next week for the holidays to crawl around in my brain a little bit and start focusing on what I want and who I want to be. I guess it really is time to grow up.

I know it's a bad idea yet...

I can not stop engaging with this guy I know is a bad idea. He's a good guy, or so I think but he's not good news for me and yet....I still engage. I like having a crush and have since I was a little kid. It gave me that little boost getting ready in the morning to put that make up on or actually do my hair and not just wear a pony tail. I am 30 now so I would hope I would be beyond this. It would appear I am not. I think in so many ways this is not about a boy. It's about a distraction. I know he's not for me, for many reasons. He's tortured, he has some problems he needs to work out, and most importantly he does not seem interested. Let me repeat that, he is not interested, because if he was he would have asked me out. I say this to drill it into my head not to elaborate for you lovely readers. I of course make this some sort of game. You don't like me well I will make you. This makes me sound far crazier then I am but I definitely have a habit of pursuing guys who make me feel like who I am is not enough, and I have hidden behind that. I have hidden behind who I could be instead of who I was. I wish he wasn't so cute because I have to move on. I have to mantox. I want to know why I still get so hung up on male attention as a way of validating myself, and why I willingly engage with guys who make me question my worth. It's not them it's me, and I have to hold myself accountable. I am hoping by writing about this here, I will be forced to make good on my promise here and leave him alone and run the other way! I have more work to be done on myself, 30 pounds left to lose, and an apartment to make some order out of. I don't need a handsome distraction no matter how tempting it may be.

Feeling Gross

I feel gross for two reasons. One I have cold-zilla. For Real. This thing is awful and I feel just terrible. Still. Sorry to whine, but seriously I have not been rocked this hard by a cold in a long time. Two, after two days home watching movies and ordering in food I feel gross. I have not worked out since the weekend and I am going a little nutso. I just miss it. I know I can't just yet. I had a moment of total delusion where I thought because I am working today I could work out. Yeah....sitting at your desk and a hour of cardio, very different. I just feel like gigantor automatically. I hate this about not working out, but eating. I automatically feel really fat like somehow a few days of much needed rest takes me back a 100 pounds ago. This is not healthy and definitely something I need to work on. It's all part of treating myself not just better but healthier. I have to learn balance and part of that would be when super sick try not to think about the gym but getting rest, drinking lots of fluids and the hope that your ears will one day be unblocked.

Totally Eating My Feelings

I have a terrible cold right now, like really bad. I feel like death. I am eating my feelings in a positive manner though. Healthy Greek chicken lemon soup. Dear lord it's like liquid heaven. Not all eating of feelings is a bad thing. If you are in the New York area it's from Uncle Nick's and it's amazing.

New Video and New Graphics

New video is up on Fitperez.com but my new graphics have also made their debut! Thank you again to Jen for doing them. Check out all of her other awesome work on her site:

http://popkern.tv/

Update

Office party went pretty well. I did have three drinks and not two, and I did not eat dinner before hand. No real fall out though. It was a good time and wasn't too nerve wracking. There was even a dance off or two.

Office Party Survival Strategy

Our annual Holiday party is tomorrow I am chanting the below to myself:

1. Two drinks max

2. Dinner beforehand or at least a decent snack.

3. I will enjoy myself

4. I will bring flats with me when my heels become unbearable

5. I will not get caught up in some of the shenanigans my co-workers are destined to be a part of.

I am training with Egon on Saturday afternoon so I pretty much have to behave myself and get to bed at a decent hour. I sort of like having that built in to ensure I don't go off the rails. You see I have a rebellious streak and I like to rebel against even myself 'cause you know that really benefits me....not at all counterproductive or frustrating.

Attack of the Toxic Ex

I was in a relationship that was incredibly bad news bears for about 4.5 years off and on. What little self esteem I had left he pretty much obliterated. I should rephrase that I willingly let him obliterate. He comes around every once and a while I do still have some contact with him, or did. I think when I finally broke up with him for the last time realizing I would rather be alone then with someone who reinforced my negative self image and that in this battle it was him or me he was shocked. For about 6 months or so he acted like it was a break. Then he started to respect the distance and then he started to woo. I have to admit losing over 100 pounds felt really good to show him. It felt really good to be like uh huh this is what you're missing. Not proud of it, but just being honest. He went quiet on me for about three months and then popped back on my radar right around my birthday in July. He actually made contact the day after my birthday in his typical crap timing. We chatted a bit, caught up, exchanged some texts and then silence again. This was approximately August. I realized last night as I deleted his number out of my phone,I am over it. Over examining it, over proving myself to him, over "trying to be friend", over moving on, over maintaining boundaries, over it. He literally has no place in my life and I do not feel one speck of guilt about it. He made some mistakes, I made some mistakes, but there's a reason we are exes and those are generally not friends. What bound us is not there anymore and truly if I am brutally honest about it, never was. There was not mutual respect, this was a one way street and again if I am really honest about it completely reflective of how little I thought about myself. What I see now is because I didn't love me I didn't want to be with someone who did. I wanted to be with someone who asked very little emotionally of me accept supporting and existing for them. I was not a whole person to him, he set bars and I jumped to meet them over and over again. If I do this he'll love me. I fell into this trap because I was willing to and I see that now. When we had the very last break up conversation and he said I loved how you made me feel about myself it said it all. I will never ever settle again for being the person who makes someone else feel good and that's it. No way. It leaves you far more empty then being alone ever could.

I feel so honored...and cool

My girl crush and amazing friend Tina, name checked me on her blog. She also did a variation on swiss chard. Check her out, but don't try to steal her away from me with any of your wiles.

http://nomnomsforeveryone.tumblr.com/post/2135787796/can-we-go-steady-already

Redefining Goals

I am thinking about New Years Resolutions and have to be thinking about goals outside of weight loss. This is so much harder then I thought!! I have a few that spring to mind, but I weight loss has been such a long running goal of mine I have forgotten about other things I want to accomplish. All weight loss and no play makes for a very dull girl. I have always been goal oriented and looked to have hobbies and interests but operation healthy took over such a large portion of my energy and day to day life I sort of let other things slip. Time to redefine where I am going and what else I want to address. Number one, and most importantly is my apartment. It is a cave of dysfunction. Hello my name is Anna and I am a slob. For Real. I have to address this. It makes me feel bad about myself, and I am over it. I want a home that I feel comfortable in and not reminded by how I used to live in chaos. I no longer find comfort in that at all. Now to find an action plan and carve out some time to enact said plan. More on this to come.

Whoops

I talk a big food log game and I have to be honest I have been bad bad about it. I have to get back to logging each and every bite. I am logging but a little too after the fact. Not sure why, but maybe outing myself here will make me examine that and hold myself accountable! I always have to be holding myself accountable, for what I eat, or what I do not record.

Great Blog Find

I stumbled across this blog and ended up reading most of it Friday night. The honesty is breathtaking. Highly recommend it.

http://thebingediary.blogspot.com

Great Advice from Lisa

Lisa DeFazio the Fitperez.com dietician has some awesome insight into celebrity diets and why not to do them!! It can be tempting but they are really icky. I also vote to not compare myself to people who part of their job is to look awesome, and walk red carpets and have pretty unlimited resources to do so. Why make that your standard? Also why compare yourself? I am aiming these days to be the best me, without crazy diet fads, celeb tips and silliness.

Finally Finding an Answer

I got a really great email from someone telling me a little about their struggle and asking me what really got motivated to start my journey. I really applauded the email because they reached out and that's what it is about, asking for help and staying committed to finding what works for you. So awesome. Anyway, I still have a hard time articulating an answer to why now, but I thought my reply is actually the closest I have come to being able to verbalize why I started this.


Response:

Thank you so much for your email. It's so kind of you. What made me start this whole process was I was really tired of being overweight. I have struggled with my weight off and on since I was a kid. I started investigating gastric bypass but sort of knew in the back of my mind it was not totally right for me because I was becoming aware that the problem was more in my head then it was in my belly. It wasn't so much I had this insatiable appetite but that I used food as a way to deal with my life. I also felt like it was preventing me from having the life that I should be leading. I am a confident person but I was tired of overcompensating for my weight. I was also tired of being defined by my weight both by myself and other people. It just got to a point where I was finally able and willing to admit I wasn't happy and my weight was playing a huge part of that. I also had to accept I was hiding behind my weight. My weight was not the issue it was the symptom. I had really low self esteem and was not really dealing with my life and past things the way in which I thought I had. I was using food to numb myself. A big turning point for me was when I realized binging was not doing what it once did. Food wasn't making me feel better, and how do you know you're an addict when it's not fun but you keep doing it anyway. I joined a gym, and realized I was going to have to incorporate exercise not just to lose weight to be healthy and that was what I redefined my goal as. I wanted to be healthy mentally, and physically. I wanted to be able to prepare nutritious meals for myself, incorporate exercise, and not fear my food and my relationship with it. So I got exercise under control, found a great trainer, started working with her, and then found my nutritionist. She has changed my life. The very first appointment I had with her was life changing. She really opened my eyes to the validity of the emotional component and how much the problem really was I didn't love or value myself therefore I did not think I deserved the things I wanted. Not easy stuff to deal with but I can not tell you how happy I am that I did. I have not had too hard a time maintaining my motivation because this process has been so rewarding. I have learned so much about myself. I have learned how to love, value, and respect myself and body, not identify with just my weight and value myself through that only and as a special bonus proper nutrition and healthy living practices. I achieved my goal of living in a healthy manner and as a bonus have lost over 100 pounds is the way I see it.

You are absolutely worth living the life you want to lead, but more importantly you deserve to feel great about yourself, your body and what you put into it. Find what works for you, maybe try a nutritionist. Find the support system where you are challenged, held accountable, but feel safe to be honest and do not feel judged. WW did not work for me, crappy dieticians who told me to live off of egg whites and sugar free jello did not work for me, meal delivery nope didn't work, nothing worked until I was able to admit I was not happy and was ready to do this for myself. I also think though I needed to work with someone who I felt understood my problem and did not reinforce my shame about it. I had never said aloud that I binged until I met my nutritionist and I have binged since I was about 5 years old and was 28 when I started seeing her. 23 years of hiding a behavior is exhausting. Now all that time I spent worrying about what I ate, or what diet I was following, or how I felt about my thighs or whatever is my time to decide what to do with and as a student you need all that brain power for you! I advise you to think about what does food mean to you. It sounds like a silly question but as Marisa my nutritionist put it to me she said until you can figure that out you will never maintain a healthy weight. I now better understand what that means. Food was my friend, coping mechanism, wall, outlet, voice so many things, and now it's just what I eat.

I hope I have answered some of your questions and hope I have not over shared. Please let me know if you would like to know anything else. I have been there, and every day I wake up and just try to do the best I can because it's the rest of my life of taking care of myself not a diet.

A few sneak peaks

In looking ahead to new videos, I was thinking of discussing the following:

How to find a good nutritionist, mostly because I have seen lots of icky ones before finding Marisa

The differences between overeating, emotional eating, and binging,

Two of my friends Lisa who has lost 100 pounds and kept most of it off for 6 years after a life time of dieting, and Tina who lost 155 pounds and has kept it off for 8 years. I thought these ladies my join me in sharing their stories and their tips.

Thoughts? Feelings? Emotions?

You just never know where that boost might come from

What a week! I went from feeling a little mopey and sorry for myself to feeling really awesome. It has nothing to do with my weight...well maybe a little bit. It has to do with the community the internet provides. My fitperez video this week had 2500 views in one day. This has not happened AT ALL on any of my other videos. The amount of views is definitely super cool and a lovely boost, but what has really just made my week is the feedback. I have received emails from people who have watched the videos, comments on the blog, new followers, and everyone has just been so overwhelmingly kind and utterly amazing. I saw a friend last night who said I saw your new video and it was your best yet you have really found your voice. It meant a lot to me to hear that and I would have to agree. I am finding my voice. In many ways. Outside of food, and my weight, body and what have you and now as a vlogger. It's such an amazing tool to be able to share with people my own struggles and successes. Losing weight is not easy, but really figuring out what made you gain it in the first place is enough to make you cuckoo. It really takes having a great support system and outlets. I have so many outlets available to me now and thank my friend Lauren for urging me to make videos, my friends who urged me to write, and who read my entries and let me just go on and on, and this wonderful and amazing community of people who give me a place to talk about all this. I get excited every day to share more, hear more of your stories and find out what you want to know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


I also did end up weighing myself and did not meltdown or go on any sort of tailspin. The emotional eating has been kept in check despite the residual mopes, and I am looking forward to the weekend oh so much.