Looking to a New Year

Christmas has come and gone and mine was not too shabby. My brother's predisposition to immaturity sort of worked. His childlike wonderment made things a little cheerier somehow. I got lovely gifts we had a lovely day, and I really can't complain.

What I am going to complain about is how off track I have been! I have been eating holiday treats like they are going to be taken away from me. Chocolate, cocktails, baked goods, you name it, I've eaten it. I now feel gross. This past week was not awful but ending the week Friday with cocktails with the girls, snack mix at the bar, and then chocolate when I got home did not make me feel great.

My trainer is in Europe for two weeks the lucky duck. He left me not only with a workout plan but photos of me in proper form. I have been doing it, and I took a yoga class this week. I remind myself when I want to get down on myself not all is lost. I have been logging workout time, but it feels less about working out which I do enjoy and more about damage control or punishment. You were a bad girl last week, another set of chest presses for you young lady! This is not good and since I do like working out I don't want to taint it.

I'm not making a ton of resolutions this year. I am just going to stay focused on reminding myself that true weight loss changes are about 70% what you put in, 30% about how you work out. I think I like to think it's the reverse. It's not. I totally also allow myself a lot of "food credit" because I am diligent in working out. I fall into the trap of I can eat that I work out 5 times a week. Yeah...that's not really the kind of math I am after. I am not trying to stay in the same place. I want this to be the last year I end thinking about my weight loss goals. I would like 2013 to be the year about learning to maintain. I have to push through though and think about what I am willing to give up to get there. I have not sacrificed a lot in the past few months. I eat my chocolate, drink my vodka sodas and then wonder why I only lost half a pound. It's not a great mystery least of all to me.

I have a lot on my side. I have experience, goals, healthier coping mechanisms, support, I have what I need to succeed and I care about myself enough to push for it. Things happen when we're ready for them and I think now I am ready to push past oh this is good enough, I can wear clothes I like, I feel more comfortable this is good. It's not. I want a body I am proud of not one I just accept.

wait he's on vacation and I have to do this? NOT FAIR! 

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

I'm riding high on a Knicks victory this late night/early morning Christmas eve. I don't know what basketball has to do with Christmas but it did put me into the spirit. Maybe it's because my friend and I went for her to see her crush Ricky Rubio of the Timberwolves up close and personal and we were. Christmas came early for her! We then had a delicious dinner, with some even better cocktails after sitting next to two cute guys during the game. She even got asked for her number. Sometimes it just doesn't get much better. 

 Sometimes it's tough to get into the spirit. We're all so busy, work gets in the way, obligations, family I could go on. I won't. I am a little happy the season of crazy holiday related treats is coming to an end. I am curious to see how Christmas actually goes down with my family, but I am happy to be in the spirit of things. No one likes to be a grinch. Only specific greens are my color. Whatever you celebrate, whatever you believe, however you define family, I hope it's wonderful and a little sparkly. 

Apparently I thought smizing brought presents as a wee babe.

Steve Novak says Happy Holidays and so do I. 

Holidaze

I cannot believe Christmas is next week. I am truly starting to feel like an old lady by complaining about how fast time is going, and about how everything sneaks up on me. This is the first year we are doing Christmas in NYC as a family, and only the second time I have not been in Atlanta.

It's kind of a strange feeling to not be going to Atlanta. Very little of my extended family lives there anymore or is even alive honestly, but it still has that homebase feeling. It really isn't, and especially the past few years it has seemed really silly to be hanging out as a family in NYC just to meet up in Atlanta a week later. I am excited to see how this goes. It also makes me feel less split between two places and very sure New York is my home.

Oh man has the office been where healthy food goes to die. I have literally been swimming in a sea of crap for the past week. Doing my best, but I plan to stock up on some caftans and a get a jazzy. I am trying to say today is it, last day for sweet treats and then back to normal. We'll see.

I miss the pup a lot. I am past some of the being distraught and tearing up all the time, but I still really miss her a lot. I don't think the holidays help. She always had her own stocking even. Bluurghhh. Every day it gets a little better, and I am really fortunate that just about everything else in my life pretty grand.

I am a little nervous about how Christmas with the loons will be, but I am going to go into with an open mind and a good attitude and if nothing else it will be amusing. If all else fails a co-worker did give me a bottle of homemade Irish cream I could just drink straight from...

I hope everyone has been having a lovely holiday season and continues to do so.

Gingerbread Adobe Hut

Queen and King of Christmas

Mary and Joseph fire escape chillin'

We craft now. 

Too. Many. Sweets. 

Lil ornament bud vases. 

King of Christmas

Save me please green juice. 

You know what's a good way

to feel crazy? Dating. I know very little explanation is needed but allow me to elaborate. Tuesday night I went out with a guy. I would say it was a good date. Stayed out late, there was a kiss, and well it was pretty much the best case scenario for a first date. I would rehash it in painstaking detail but you'd be bored and I would be a step closer to insanity. It's Friday and I've heard nothing. While yes, sometimes it takes time to get in touch, he could be busy, he could be in that coma we hear about, I am thinking he's just not that into me.

Nothing will make you paranoid and insecure like silence post date. I know it's a lot more to do with him then me, but I am still left shaking my head going, what. the. hell. No really, what the hell? When the thoughts start I am trying to just nip them in the bud. I have to say though, the more I keep dipping my toe, inching out on the limb not being a weenie the quicker my recovery time becomes. What chaps my hide a little is I felt like I was the closest representation of myself I've been in my dating career. I didn't treat it like an interview or shut down. I wore a dress. I flirted. I tried. None of this is his problem, and it's not like you get an award for not being a weirdo on a date. I do however suspect he's got some "stuff" on his own plate, one specific alarm bell was him mentioning his ex a few times. No es bueno. We all have baggage but I would like to hold out for someone who's free and clear to be with me. Not one foot in the past. A big ole next to this escapade.

Ride the Wave

Bluuurghhhhh what an emotional roller coaster the past few days have been. I feel the tiniest bit better, I am less prone to bursting into tears which is nice. I still miss my dog with an ache that when I really think about it instantly makes my cry. I better understand why I used to numb the crap out of myself. Emotions are rough. Just letting yourself feel awful is rough. This whole feeling thing is how I ended up collapsed on my kitchen floor sobbing the other night. No es bueno. I am comforted by knowing that right now I am feeling awful which creates space for joy. If you never really let yourself feel sad, then I think you cannot ever really truly feel happy. It's all scary.

I have not been eating my feelings which makes me angry. I want to. I fight the impulse. I wanna eat mac and cheese, sweets, anything vaguely comforting but I know the thrill is gone. I know that the comfort of distraction will be so fleeting it's not worth it. I think about a glass (bottle) of wine but I know I will be drinking it in my apartment where my dog no longer is. There are no check outs and this is annoying. 

In Dumplin's last moments I kept petting her the whole time. I knew it was my last time to do so and I think it kept me grounded. It kept me in the present. As I struggle to stay present to just ride the wave of feeling sad, and upset, I am comforted so much by those last moments. I was there. I was actually present and accounted for and I better understand now why being present and accounted for in life is a gift in it's own way. Nothing certainly tastes as good as those memories feel right now. 

Not the Greatest of Times

It's been a hot second. Things got a little crazy for me. In the most pressing and saddest of news, I had to let my pup go last night. She declined really rapidly over the weekend and I had to make one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make. I am heartbroken.

It was sort of a lovely moment in a weird way. I got to be with her, and rub her belly while she was sedated and then when she left this world. Dumplin' Elizabeth you were a magnificent pup and I was lucky to be your mom for 8 and a half years. Thank you puppy girl for the often hilarious times, and for loving me so unconditionally it never ceased to amaze me.

Elevator Door Psychic 

Last Pic 

Forgetful Jones/Giveaway Winner

Sorry! I keep forgetting to inform the Madewell giveaway winner. Congrats it's Samara, who I j'adore. Not that I would not have been happy for anyone that one, but I KNOW she loves some madewell which sweetens the giveaway deal.

If you don't know Samara or her blog, please get to know her/it. She's a doll!

Body Snark

In improving my own body talk I have tried to be nicer, and kinder in my talk towards others bodies. Keyword here...try. There are a few women at my gym I have known and seen for a while, like years. Two in particular, their bodies have never shifted much. I noticed a few months ago they were making some significant and visible changes. My immediate reaction? Body snarking because I was jealous. 

It's just gross and you know what it doesn't make my body any better, and it certainly does not make me feel better about myself. I tried something different to combat it that was not just self talk. I told the women at different times. "You must be working hard, you look really great." I said what I did because they do. I think I reacted less to their weight losses and more to their healthiness, confidence, and those qualities that are not always tangible like weight loss. The weight loss is the easy part to perceive and put your finger on the rest no so much. 

 What was really cool is both women were profoundly thankful. One lady said, "You have no idea how badly I needed that today. Thank you, I have been trying and I feel like I am not getting anywhere." In turning my body snark a different direction I left the situation feeling better and more positive. We all have our issues and snarking on them certainly does not change mine, and I don't know their story. These women were not parading their svelte physiques to annoy me. They were going about their gym business. Seriously Anna get a grip, don't be a bitch and maybe try being honest and kind to someone, that will get you way further then snark. 

Not Good Enough

I touched on this idea of not good enough. It's something I am thinking about a lot lately and what I have found is it goes two ways. There are the times I am asking myself to accept something that is not good enough, and then there are the times I should say no or move it along because something is not good enough. It's been really helpful both with food and life.

For food example, yesterday a co-worker brought two cheesecakes into the office. My week and day were super stressful, then all these people were in the office, loud, no regard for those of us who's office it is, and trying to get me to eat cheesecake. Nope, it's not good enough. Don't get me wrong, it was from Junior's in Brooklyn and I am sure it was delicious. Cheesecake for me though is not in my top 5 or even top 10 of desserts I lust after. Nope, not good enough. I have not made it to the gym every day this week to eat a piece of cheesecake that would be more about being stressed and irritable then a desire for cheesecake. Delightfully when I felt my reserve start to crack it was whisked away to be shared with others, and placed in the fridge. Love when you get a little help that way.

Life wise, so Thanksgiving is next week and my mother is two things, 1. a weenie, and 2. living in a fantasy world. She says I thought I would make a nice dinner, and we'll have a lovely, nice, calm dinner. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I said, uhm not sure how that's going to happen mom, he's had a year to speak to me and chosen not to. She says well I've been working on your brother and I think he's close. I relayed my opinion on two fronts, one I am not worried about him I am worried about me and two.  I think he is being a coward and is not owning his decision and frankly I do not give an eff about what he thinks, or how he feels. Why does his decision mean I don't get to have a holiday? Why because he's decided to live his life out as Peter Pan do I have to be affected? Not good enough. His behavior, not good enough, her response, not good enough. Why do I have to be the leader? It sets me up to be the "wrong one" and I am not the mom, and most importantly I am tired of it.I personally have no issue doing nothing. I mean I had months to adjust to that potentially being a reality. I said well if he wants Thanksgiving and you do to, spend it together. I have no problem being alone. She's like oh no you'll get depressed. My mom proposed going to the movies and then getting Indian food because having anything traditional is going to make her depressed. I said I need to think about it. I don't know what I want to do since the norm is not available I need a second.

Part of what set me off prior to this discussion with her, is we've played phone tag this week and I got a text from her, where are you, I'm so worried, I dreamed about you all night. How's Dumplin. I respond, no answer. I call, no answer. I call again oh I was so worried, I thought maybe you were in Portland, or got kidnapped in Staten Island. You might be thinking oh that's nice. See I used to think that to, but it's not. It means the THREE voicemails I left this week were not listened to, it means she really just was having anxiety and wants me to soothe it, it means she really wants me to figure out Thanksgiving because that's what she immediately launched into. Then when I started to get riled up she immediately wanted off the phone and said well I want to see you, and spend time with Dumplin so bring her up here. Uhm......what? I have plans and no. I just can't. Not good enough.

These crumbs and illusions of care are just not good enough. They are what sent me down a bad path in life thinking they were what I was worth and all people offered. I learned this is what you can ask of people, and expect. It's not. It really is not reality. It's the reality of some really broken selfish people. In separating from my family to gain some distance and perspective I have strengthened my relationships with my friends. I am really blessed on that front and when I look at the people who've been in my life the past 14 years I think thank god. They show me so much love, support, and that I am really great and shouldn't change a damn thing. It just further affirms to me how I need to be vigilant in resetting my boundaries with my family. It sucks, and it does make me sad, and angry, but honestly being honest about it seeing them for who they are and cannot be for me is a lot easier then constantly trying adapt to be who they want for them. It certainly hurts a lot less.

Goal & Giveaway Talk

I didn't forget. It's time for a little check in now isn't it. I can still barely believe November is here much less we're nearing the halfway mark.

Giveaway wise some lucky duck is going to get a $100 giftcard to Madewell. To prolong the suspense because I am a jerk, everyone has until Friday to enter. To "enter" because really I am using that term loosely...just tell me some goals you are working on, or if you already did how they are going.

My goal evaluation:


- Food journaling, I am doing better with this, more consistent. There are days I forget, there are days I write everything in excrutiating detail, but regardless it is happening a lot more. It's a lot more important now because I am working with a new nutritionist and it will help her learn how to help me.

- Increased awareness in drinking behavior. Drinking has ensued but I have kept to my twice a week rule and kept my drinks in check except for that one Friday.

- Lose 10 pounds. Yeah, not exactly killing it on this one. I have however given up my lunch time brownie habit. What started as a oh I'm craving a brownie became a daily habit. No bueno. So that's down with. I have also tightened up the meal planning, and don't faint from shock, not been eating my nightly dark chocolate. I am just trying to be aware of habit vs. actual want. I know I am in the dark chocolate habit.

- Pants/dresses/skirts risks. Doing a little better on this. I bought and have been wearing polka dot pants. I have been dress shopping but nothing has been quit right. Less a leg issue and more a not sure this works...at all.

- The vending machine and I have broken up. I have relapsed once or twice, but for granola bars on forgotten snack days.

- Mindless snacking has not been a huge issue. I am continuing to be vigilant about it and stay on my healthy snacking game versus mindless.

- Work out (2) mornings a week. Nope. Hasn't happened. Not even a little bit. Just Friday am's with Jesse.


So some progress, but my new theme is, is it good enough? No it's not so onward!

Messy = Fun

I rarely read my horoscope. Not for any particular reason but it's just not on my to do list. I happened to see mine the other day for this week it said:

" Loosen your collar and jump into the unknown. Nothing teaches you who you really are like entering uncharted territories. Yes, time to redefine your sense of security, as it can be about holding your confidence safe, rather than the typical way to perceive it. If anything, what you know is probably always going to be there, so why not take that adventure?"

It plays into something I have been thinking about. I have known for some time when it came to men and dating what I had before was not what I wanted again, but what I actually want not I am not sure of. I have known with my life, and weight loss goals I want to move forward, but not exactly where. I mean telling yourself I don't want a repeat of my ex, want to do good work, and lose weight are not exactly specific. I keep going around and around in a cul-de-sac sometimes. It's safe, known, and familiar. I have consistently said to myself in just about every area of my life well this is good enough.  I discussed this with Marisa on my last appointment with her because she's having a baby (squeeeeee, exciting!). She said maybe it's time to be less afraid to really ask yourself what you want, because the truth is I do not believe you just want good enough, but that's not what you have subscribed to. I don't believe you think your weight is good enough. If you were happy I would say nothing about it because you have done great work, but I don't think you are satisfied. Things have changed, you've changed, why wouldn't what you want change? She also said not only do you have to ask what you want but not be afraid to admit you do not know. I do not like not knowing. Not a huge fan, but lately I have been less afraid. I have trusted the tools I have learned, the confidence I have rebuilt, and well just taken some damn risks. There are no guarantees. There are no ways to ensure you'll be right, or safe, and that scares the bejesus out of me but also makes me feel a sense of peace. I cannot always get it right, boom, worst fear confirmed. I cannot be the best at life. Contest over.

In starting to grasp how not right I am going to be sometimes and more importantly begin to accept that is okay, it's made me come around. I don't always know what I want or how I'll respond, I don't always have the answer. Pretending I do, or know is probably more of a defense mechanism then an self actualized response. When it comes to men I don't always know how I am going to act. Why? Well because for years I have kept myself out of the game. For many reasons. 1. I have a borderline crippling fear of intimacy, 2. I kept myself safe, safe from heartbreak, safe from wrong decisions, by dating people who were a very bad idea. 3. I lost a lot of weight and wrestle with my desirability. The way I am approaching dating, men, and desirability now is completely different.

It's sort of common sense though, my personal struggles are one thing, my weight one's another, but really the last relationship I was in was three years ago I think? Why would I think my approach would be the same? I am not the same person I was three years ago, I am barely the same person I was three months ago. It's sort of cool to take the pressure off to evaluate the same and allow myself to just figure things out. The absolute without a doubt best part of this weight loss has been learning about myself. It's been discovering who I am without suppressing it, self loathing, and all the other nonsense. Why rush to the end? Why rush to find conclusions? Mistakes are fun. They lead to good stories, you learn from them, they teach you. At the core I am who I am, but a lot of that second tier stuff is new ground. I have had my rules, and I think they were less about order and more about safety. I am beginning to see, weight won't keep me safe, isolating myself won't keep me safe, nothing really cuts the messiness of life out. I have to roll with it, and trust that I will keep the ship afloat and I think for once I really believe that.

Weekend Good Deeds

I have not done any volunteer work in a thousand years. Saturday reminded why I should be doing a lot more of it. It's a nice feeling and a privilege to be there for someone in their absolute worst moment. I was blown away by people's strength, the kindess of others, and just how fundamentally good most people are. 

Saturday we met up and set off for Staten Island. We found the group who dispatches you got kinda a scary introduction but it was necessary and warranted. It's totally surreal. The neighborhoods look normal. Houses and cars line the streets. They are all destroyed. You start the see the insurance company names spray painted on the cars, the belongings being pulled out of the houses, the personal belongings strewn all over the ground. Then there are the tractors whizzing by getting rid of the debris. The neighborhood we were in first is a few miles in land, so I already I was like if it's this bad here I cannot imagine what's by the coast. 

The coast is like a post-apocalyptic scene. There's a house taken off it's foundation in the middle of the street. There's a huge parking lot filled with debris the size of a football field. The destruction is just mind blowing. I still do not think I can grasp it. A woman we helped Kathy, was awesome and she told us the story of her 20 year old neighbor who was washed out of his home while he was sleeping. The neighbors next to her got him to let go of her deck and caught him as he floated and pulled him to safety on their roof. Her home was elevated, and the water still reached and destroyed her entire first floor, some of the second. They were hit with about a 20 foot wave surge. She was still in shock, could not talk for long before she teared up, but so grateful for help. It was heartbreaking. I mean I am grateful for help cleaning anything. I cannot imagine if it was to clean out my destroyed home. We met people from the Good Shepherd Episcopal church who packed up and drove from Dallas. They were feeding volunteers. Their thought was comfort food, the food their kids liked, and liked we did. They also had their kids write notes to the volunteers which was so thoughtful. 

It was so nice to see with my own eyes these people are not forgotten. There were groups of volunteers everywhere. People were helping everywhere they could. Dropping off coats, blankets, and toiletries while we were at the homes. What I did not see was a lot of governmental assistance, or even any of the big aid agencies. People did speak highly of FEMA and how quickly they had been to act. 

Saturday night I was off to a benefit for a girl who had her electric wheelchair stolen. WHO DOES THAT?! I mean seriously, who steals someone's wheelchair? It did remind me while benefits are cool and worthwhile I like getting out there and working with people. I like connecting with people, hearing there stories, putting a face to a news story and hope that this becomes something I do more often. 

Jugo's got the water. I have a mouthful of gummy bears #priorities. 

On the side of a house. 

Left standing but shredded. 

On the road. 

Streets and streets of this. 

Rainbow Brite Man wanted to help a girl get some wheels. 

Quick shower and ready to go. 

Propped up by the wall cause we're sleepy. Photo c/o Studio Havens. 

Week Two

Slowly things go back to normal. While the hurricane was one day really it's destruction made it a bit of a lost week. We all wondered around confused totally shaken out of our routines. On top of everything at work we had our primary workspace and drive, the brain for lack of a better term, was deleted. Little did we know when we got back to work on Wednesday that a hurricane had already hit our department on Saturday night. I am not even dipping into discussing the noreaster that decided to pop up and the night I had to pick up the pup from

So we rebuild. We're patient. We realize it could be worse. We whine, laugh, I offer to do interpretive dance for promos. We decide that's a bad idea. We all complain about hurricane related obesity. We get back on track. There's something soothing about everyone being in the same boat. If your apartment gets flooded it sucks to be you. All of lower Manhattan without power, trains not running from Brooklyn, people with NOTHING in Staten Island, the Rockaways, and jersey and you're all in it together. This city never ceases to amaze me at how great we are in a time of need. I've been here for 9/11, the blackout, and now Sandy. People are good, they are kind, and only gypsy cab drivers remain the scourge of the earth usually.

That being said last Friday when I went to the Knicks game I got REAL drunk. I mean like spectacularly drunk. Me thinks I had just had enough of life, and no dinner. Luckily my Knicks buddy is a good guy. He was amused considering he had to work later then me and by the time we met up I was already lit. Blurrrghhhhhhh. I blame alcohol for also telling him I hooked up with his friend the previous weekend, and that sometimes I had to take a break from him because he is selfish and self destructive. He listened, didn't dismiss my feelings and we hugged it out. I mentioned it before I will say it again he is a good guy. I saw him again Sunday and wanted to sort of peak out from between my fingers like are you sure we're cool and he was a delight. I don't give him enough credit. There's something for me to learn from that.

Tomorrow I am off to Staten Island to volunteer. My dear friend Beth, who I refer to as Beazel is from there and has seen her home borough devastated. If you want to help out, sending things, volunteering, or just take in what has happened please see some of the links below I have posted.

A former co-worker and dear friend lost everything. Including her car in the hurricane. If you've got $5 to spare she could use it. http://www.gofundme.com/HelpRiz

This is a short film about a girl I went to college with Michelle's experience in the Rockaways.

To help out Staten Island and others I suggest the below links:

https://www.facebook.com/WeLoveSI

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wedding/2NRZ5Z79QXMYX/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_wr_6Q-Mqb11CAV3R

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wedding/32TAA123PJR42

http://sisandyrelief.eventbrite.com/

One of my fave author's Laurie Notaro's friends lost everything. Not only did they lose everything, home, clothes, cars, belongings, but the husband has terminal cancer and even getting his medication is a struggle. They are currently sheltering in a Fire Station and need help.

https://www.everribbon.com/ribbon/view/9254

Captain's Log

We survived. I have never been more sick of peanut butter in my life but it did see me through. Did you know that showering by candlelight is strangely soothing? It's also a way to feel like such a loser. I mean doing anything sorta romantic alone is like oh geez how did I end up here? I have no heat though but did have hot water and was beyond gross. A hurricane is no excuse for Josey Grossy behavior.

In other news I received a card from my mom ending the cold war. It had knives on the front. Freudian card selection slip much? She has power and hot water and I think I might be willing to potentially walk into another perfect storm for it. I spoke to her today and she was practically leaping for joy at a potential reunion. I hate being in such a weakened position, but maybe it won't be so bad. She did manage to annoy me pretty quickly. She's booked some sort of three bedroom'ed cottage in California for us to bond and heal in over Christmas. I'm like I just do not think that is a good idea. She's like well you mentioned going there. Right, I did, ALONE. There's a key factor in that. A very significant note. I cannot obsess about it too much currently.

Priorities, a real shower, with very hot water. Getting the pup to chemo. Her nodes have been doing okay, not great, but then her platelet count dropped and she had to pass on chemo. She needs a top up this week but no one has power below about 38th street so I am doubting they are dealing with chemo currently. Considering their phone isn't even working I am pretty sure this is not happening.

Friday however I am Knicks bound. No hurricane is going to keep that from happening. Nope.

Any East Coasters, I hope you are safe, powered up, and warm.

the hurricane ate a building a block away from me

seriously, I pappoosed up the pup when I heard this go down. 

Not My First Rodeo

Thanks to the whimper that was Irene. I have a little knowledge coming into Hurricane Sandy. My survival plan involves a lot of vanilla seltzer, peanut butter and a fully charged ipad.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Who Cares

My therapist keeps calling me out on the fact that I am not really dating and not really putting myself out there. She is not wrong and I no longer try to deny it. Ahhh therapy, expensive honesty. I still maintain not one but two on-line dating profiles but I do next to nothing about it. Recently however I have been making teeny tiny steps forward. So far these steps forward have not been rewarded by some huge jump in male interest, much like eating celery sticks for two snacks will not result in a ten pound weight loss. Interesting how our mindsets are always with us no matter what the topic at hand is...

So on to these teeny tiny steps. Step number one, I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner and trying to hail a cab. A guy on a bike stopped me and proceeded to gush at me telling me how gorgeous he thought I was, and was there anyway I was single and could he possibly take me to coffee. At first he made me wildly uncomfortable. He described me as hot, and I immediately wanted to be like nuh huh. You are wrong sir. Instead I laughed because he was kinda awkward, and nerdy, he started selling himself, my name's Mark, I'm a photographer, uhm I've been in NY for 6 months and it was endearing. Finally I said you know what I'll give you my number. He was very surprised I agreed and so was I but hey I complain with the on-line dating that guys are going to meet me and say I'm too fat, here right before me is a guy asking to go out with me, just give him your number. I finally said I have to get into a cab, he started to get a little too much and I told him to quit while he was ahead, and he said I am going to call you tomorrow. I headed off to dinner feeling like a million bucks. He however never called. I obsessed for a hot second thinking about it, maybe I put my number in wrong, maybe he got blackout drunk that night and forgot, maybe, maybe, maybe, but what I did not lose sight of is I did something I do not usually do and that matters to me. That helps me, and who cares about him. 

Teeny tiny step number two, a dude on the interwebz indicated some interest so I messaged him. He messaged back, I messaged again and now he's gone silent. I have no idea why, but I know this it's not about me because well he's never met me. I quit standing up against the proverbial wall and put myself out there and guess what...It didn't actually kill me despite what I think. 

Step three a guy friend of mine is sort of shifting our relationship. I cannot tell if he's interested or what but he's behaving differently. Way more attentive, he's called me and who calls anymore, and been very insistent on plans. He's A LOT younger then me, like so much younger I cannot bare to type it out. Instead of immediately smacking it down, or ignoring the whole damn thing I made plans with him. I don't know what's going on, and I could attempt to negatively fortune tell but why not just go with it and see what happens. He's attractive, smart and kind and the only guy who's ever cooked me dinner so there are about a million things that would be worse then him being interested in me. Scratch that there are probably a bajillion. 

 Taking lil steps forward help me feel more confident and less like I am sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked. None have really gone anywhere, ended with anything, if the where and the thing is a guy. Sitting on the shelf waiting to be picked is some dangerous territory though. It implies you are complacent in your decisions, and maybe not happy in your life. I live my life and I like it. Sharing it with someone scares me but just sitting around and waiting for some guy to come along and just see how awesome I am is ridiculous and scares me more. I mean I know I'm awesome, but it's probably best demonstrated and not living in my head like a teen movie even though I am pretty sure life works like Easy A or She's All That. 

For Shame or Not

There's been more in the media lately regarding fat shaming, weight acceptance, and how we discuss weight. Not terribly surprisingly I have read a lot of this and mulled it over. I feel like we're in some new territory where the conversation is changing regarding weight. I like where most people are netting out in that if you're overweight you do not have to defend it. Your body, your business, your choice, fat, thin and everything in between. You do not have to make a case for even though you're overweight you're healthy, or why you like your curves, you can just be, because well it's no one's business but your own. I like this, but find it very new somewhat forbidden territory. It's okay to admit you like your body the way it is? To not defend it? To say I like my belly, or my thighs and not say what I am doing to change them or gasp defend it? Interesting...tell me more. 

You may or may not have heard of a blogger, Stella Boonshoft of the Body Love Blog who was photographed by Brandon Staunton of the Human's of New York blog/facebook page, she assumed he was going to put up the photo of her he took. He didn't. He pulled a photo of her from her blog in her bra and underwear, you can read more about it here. I could talk about how ick I think that territory is but I won't. Yes, she did publish that photo of herself, but it was on her blog and he did not ask for permission to use it, however what was pretty cool is that people responded overwhelmingly positive. She discussed the experience very candidly and her blog is very interesting. She uses the word fat a lot. I have mixed feelings about that, but why do I feel the need to rush in and say you're not fat, almost as reflex I do not question. What does it matter what I think? Her body is for her to define, just like mine is for me. If she feels empowered by the word fat well then more power to her. That is her choice, and she can describe herself anyway she sees fit. My opinion of her body is meaningless. 

Mulling over all this I realize that recently I dislike my body a lot less these days and that it's weird for me. It's weird to catch glimpses, my reflection, a shadow, vague watery representations of myself and think yeah I'm not mad at that. Not only am I not mad at it, I might actually like it. This especially has been happening with my hips. Lately I don't hate them. Lately I kind of really like them and choose to enjoy that they make me feel feminine, and unique. I just cannot be bothered to hate them anymore, and it's less because I have directed my energy elsewhere and more because I don't. I can like how I look right now while working to be somewhere else. I can like having hips and while I do want to continue losing weight not work to eliminate them. These are my decisions to make, and I can enjoy where I am not and not apologize for it. 

My body will continue to evolve through, age, weight loss, hopefully kiddos one day and it would be a shame to overlook what different times bring. It would be a shame to be too busy apologizing for what I am, or what I am not then to not just stop and enjoy it. I may not have these hips forever, I could contract some sort of hip eating virus and have a different build, might as well vamp it up while the hip getting is good. 

10 Reasons I May Need To Re-Evaluate My Life

A few recent occurrences have had me thinking maybe I need to do some thinking and perhaps redirect the ship.



1. My newfound addiction to pet shaming. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Please see below and try not to wheeze, cry, laugh through the buzzfeed one:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/virginmobilelive/20-publicly-shamed-animal-twitpics-5l87

Anyone or anything that likes to roll around on pickles is fine by me. 

2. I am totally exhausted today, like thought about calling out of work tired, which means I don't get paid by the way, not because I was out so late partying it up high on Fiona Apple, no because I stayed up late reading another one of the ridiculous books I'm obsessed with.

3. I found myself yelling, out loud, " Cancer is not an excuse for pooping on the rug Dumplin' Elizabeth!" not only was I yelling that, but I am 99.9% sure my neighbor heard it based on the look he gave me when I was throwing out the recycling. So now I am a horrible person for yelling at a cancer patient and my rug has poop on it.

4.

This is my proposed Halloween costume because while I cannot be positive I am 99.9% sure she is both my real mom and spirit animal.

5. I went to a grocery store trying to track down diced green chilis and it's  exclusively vegetarian which I did not realize. Actually it's not only veggie but the oldest and only exclusively vegetarian store in NYC.  I felt pretty rebellious and thrilled I have no less then 4 different types of meat on me when I discovered this while walking around. I thought the meat police might get me. #lamemeatrebel

6. Momz is still icing me out. This both amuses and frustrates the bejesus out of me. I mean really? Of all the standoffs I want to be in this is not one. Anna isolating people since 1980. 

7.  A friend in LA gave me a ring at 10:47pm and hung up after one ring because she realized it was late. I called her back and was all don't worry I'm up even though I was in bed, in the dark, reading by the light of my ipad. Did you know an ipad is bright enough to light your way to the kitchen for a lil spot of granola nosh while you read?

8. A friend sent me an email with the subject line 3:30pm on a Wednesday and the email said you're welcome and had a link to the below. I am not sure what gives me more pause, the absolute pure delight this video brings me or that someone would know that it would. 

9. I had a full scale toddler-esque meltdown when this girl at work bought the same pants as me. I loathe copycatting, LOATHE IT. So not only did she buy the same pants as me but she was like oh I bought the pants, I said huh, she goes the polka dot pants. I said cool, trying to cover up my annoyance at accidentally starting a polka dot pants club. Then today she comes in with the pants on and says what do you think, cool huh, do you like them. I said yes, that's why I bought them. I am a polka dot b, and not only that they're from old navy....hardly exclusive. Someone else please tell me you hate copycatting so I feel less like a petty baby. Lets ignore how unflattering this photo of them is, and how at work I should be working not propping my legs up to send someone a pic of my polka dot pants. 

10. I picked all the dark chocolate covered almonds out of trail mix given to me at a meeting then offered to share when it was just the lame stuff in the mix. So now I am hoarding snacks, and not sharing well with others. 

1996 Revisit

1996 was not one of my finest years and yet it seems like I slept through it. My father died in 1996 I was 16, and became obsessed with Fiona Apple. I graduated from Tori Amos understanding my feelings and expressing them better via music to someone who was angrier, and not afraid to sing about it. Musically and definitely life wise it felt like a new chapter for me.

I must have listened to Sullen Girl a million times. I would fall asleep listening to Tidal. It was one of the few things that brought me comfort. My friends didn't get it some were total jerks, and others tried to be kind, but none understood the weird place I was frozen in. I was heartbroken but not emotive. I spoke at his funeral and didn't cry. I went to school and while people waited for me to cry or show something I didn't. A friend approached me once about three months after it happend and said I see you out, I see you smile, or laugh but I wonder what's really going on up here, or here pointing to my head and heart. I barely spoke to her after that. It was scary someone saw past the mask that I was working so hard to maintain. No one really wanted to hear that my heart was so broken I felt a physical pain. That I had nightmares almost every night. That my mom was hanging on by a very thin thread and my brother was so angry and depressed he was like someone auditioning for the role of angry teenager in a lifetime movie. No one wanted to hear it, and I certainly did not want to say it out loud. I was living it, I felt like in order to survive it I just had to get through it, but I certainly did not have to share it. Numb became my safest and most treasured state. I just sort of floated through my days trying to get through and exist and then at night I would be somewhat free for a while to free something before sleeping.

I remain a Fiona Apple fan. I have listened to all of her albums, they have had different roles in my life soundtrack. Now I think it resonates with me less, but I enjoy it more. It gets to be music instead of catharsis. Experiences changing, it's need and place has evolved. I still think back to when my first love totally broken my heart and how much I wanted to go have coffee with her because clearly she understood my exact situation based on Love Ridden. That was college, I was almost 20 and in some ways that heartbreak started another chapter. One where I wasn't wasting my time trying to impress him or be seen by him. I started worry less about what he thought and more about what I did. That being said I could be totally wrong because in the song Left Alone of the most recent album she sings, "How can I ask anyone to love me, when all I do is beg to be left alone?" Hmmm...this may just may be relevant to my present day because a boyfriend would really cut into my alone time and mature young adult reading. 

I didn't decide to just go on a Fiona Apple tangent though. I am seeing her tonight and both anxious and excited. I am excited to see her live because I never have, but I am curious to see if I lose my shit. Regardless of how much I have tried to lock away how I feel, suppress, or deny it music has generally made that an impossibility. Aurora better get ready to have a hot mess on her hands, and I better put on some waterproof mascara. 

Maybe I Should Wear More Green

Jealousy is not something I wrestle with a lot. When I do it's pretty fleeting and related to an outfit or something else pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I think sometimes that's why when I experience jealousy it's a big ole heaping dose of it. I also think some of my own inner arrogance protects me. Me? Be jealous of her? Puhlease. We all do things we're not proud of.

What the eff am I talking about? Well there's a girl who goes to my gym who's a friend of a friend and I just cannot be friends with her. She is perfectly lovely, and nice, and seeks me out, but I am just too damn jealous of her. She's 22 or 23, and the age yes does irk me a little bit, and so does her banging body and the fact that she's really effortlessly pretty but so are lots of women and I have no issue with that. She makes me super insecure, and jealous. So what do I do? I avoid her. I make pleasant chit chat and then skedaddle as quick as I can. 

I am seriously curious though as to why this girl just irks me so much. Is it her confidence, she has loads without being gross, or the ease she sort of goes about life, or that fact that she seems super humble, or that things seem to come easier to her? Since we share a mutual friend I have some insights into her life and know things have not been easy for her and as an outsider I should not be so quick to judge and assume her looks get her a free ride in life. I know they don't yet still that gross voice in me says hmmph.

Poor girl I wonder if some lady jealousy I should be spreading around I just heap on her. I think I just wish my 20's had been more like hers? Weird since I don't really know what her life is like. I just know my perception and it's definitely skewed. I hate feeling jealous though, because it makes me feel small and petty and that's just lame. Someone else's greatness is not your flaw or mean you're less then, this I know yet I still can barely manage more then a 10 minute conversation. One day....One day I will be able to not just be kermit'ing out and green with envy. 

Eeee-moh-Shuns

A friend of mine is going through a break up and he is seriously heartbreak hotel. It's interesting though because the break up has kicked up some soul searching for him outside of heartbreak. I give him a lot of credit for the way he's looking at himself. I sure as shit know it's not easy.

 It's also exposed me to a different side of him. As much as he says I thought I was guarded before but oh man am I now, there's a wall, with cinder blocks, and barbed wire and alligators surrounding it now. I disagree. He's shared more with me about himself, his thoughts, and feelings then he has in years of friendship and not just the mushy heart stuff, but everything.

Anywayz he told me about this TED talk on vulnerability, and I covered up my shock at a dude telling me about it and made a note to watch. Then I did after I got home still mulling over lots we had discussed, and then I proceeded to watch it again, and again and then tell everyone I know about it. That's just how I roll. I get hopped up on something and think I'll just burst if everyone I know doesn't know about it. This is good and bad because a lot of people now know how good salted dark chocolate  is. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

Watch and then lets meet back to discuss, and BREAK!

Question....

Can I go out with a guy who's profile name is fish taco? I think no. Call me ridiculous, (why yes I am ) but ewww. On top of the eww, is not bothering to type out the word you, saying cute pics twice, once in a manner that makes me think you got confused and thought you were messaging someone else and in general your messages make me squirm. Not in a good way. I guess I am not totally hard up yet, or hit fish taco rock bottom.

Bars Wars

Not the good kinda of bars, or maybe they are I dunno. The work fridge situation is a little sketchy. I fear snack thievery and well it's kinda gross. This makes snacks a challenge because a lot of my preferred snacks need some cooling. Apples are my go to, but they need a friend to be a perfect snack. This has lead me into the world of bars. I have gone off and on with bars. Some are too much like candy, some I want 2-3 of, some are just too high in calories but not satisfying if I only eat half, but they are just too easy peasy to keep on you to rule out. Enter the bar wars. Below is what I have been turned on to lately. I love you are all writhing in jealousy at how exciting my life is. 

These are a great eat with something else and keep in your bag snack. I prefer the choc/pb to the coconut flavor. 

So good I almost do not want to tell you about it. Falls apart though, and clocks in on the higher calorie side with 200. I pinch of a lil bit to not finish so I can try to keep it to 150 calories. 

Seriously look at all the blueberry goodness in there. 

Delish but not as good as the blueberry. 

borderline gross and please nutrition for women? Leave my lady parts out of it. 

Not too shabby, but prefer the chocolate pb flavor. 

Some Goal Talk & A Giveaway

I've been thinking about goals a lot recently. I've come to the conclusion that vague and somewhat abstract goals do not serve me well. The ever present just "lose weight" is not helpful, or motivating. Sure, I still want and need to lose weight to be healthy but it's not the primary goal. That's selling myself and my goal achieving way too short.

That being said what are my goals? I've been thinking about them a lot and for the medium term because they are somewhere between short and long term these are what I am going to focus on.

1. Consistent food journal'ing. I am on week 3 of everything being written down again. While I loathe it I have been snacking less, and checked in more.

2. Increased awareness in drinking behavior. Not so all or nothing. The boozy mcgee weeks really hamper my goals. Aiming for no more then 4 drinks a week, preferably on 2 occasions, but less weeks where it gets away from me and before I know I've been boozing it up 4 days that week.

3. Lose 10 pounds. I am breaking down the remaining weight into 10 pounds increments. I also want to lose 10 pounds to get out of the weight loss cul-de-sac I've been in. A hard 10 pounds and then worry about the next 10 pounds with no creep back upwards.

4. Take some pants/dresses/skirt risks. I live in black and dark denim pants and I am NEVER going to get over my leg insecurities if I keep enabling them. I don't have to wear bright yellow, but geez some variation would be nice.

5. No work vending machine visits. Seriously. It never ends well or leads anywhere positive.

6. Work on mindless snacking. I have three key issues that hamper my weight loss. Mindless snacking, inconsistencies with alcohol, and lack of food journal'ing. I want to work on all three, just being more aware of how they trip me up.

7. Work out 2 mornings a week to allow for more evening fun time. I am working out with Jesse Friday mornings so I just need to work in one more morning. So far this has not happened minus Jesse mornings.

I am going to focus on these in the month of October, check in weekly and see what's cooking. If I keep to it all month then I shall reward myself with the below gem from Madewell.

I am not a Selfish Sally though, tell me your October goals and then check back in and let me know how you're doing and November 1st someone will get a Madewell gift certificate. Sharing is caring.
I don't love challenges but I do love peeps sharing what they're working on, and giveaways so that's more what I'm looking to do.

photo from madewell.com and no I won't sport white boots with it. 

Pick either of these two items and we could be twinsies!

I love pony and horse tops. It's a sickness. 

Samara, I know you are not even the tiniest bit surprised I bought this. 

I would love this grey with some neon sweet bow sweater, but alas I cannot win my own giveaway. 

A Charming Walk

                                            For the record would definitely take a walk with Jill Scott


I love charm. I am sucker for it. Charming men. Charm bracelets. Lucky charms. Alright you get it. I got a message on the interwebz from one of the more charming and normie guys I have heard from in a while. He did not immediately leap to anything gross, or make me think he might chopping people into bits as one of his hobbies. Things are looking up.

So I have two problems here, one dumb one larger. The dumb one, his offer to hang out...a nice fall walk around a park. Seriously, someone clue me into what the walk trend is?! Some friends have been like whatever that's not a real date they should man up and take you on a date. I was not even going there. I mean I had not even delved into it representing the date level value I am being assigned. Great. Awesome. Another thing to analyze. I am just hung up on why just about every single dude I encounter lately puts that out there.

My second problem and this is the one that's an actual problem is I am so seriously afraid of dating. I know I went on my lil dating binge a ways back but I was not actually interested in most of the guys so I get a half credit. I am REALLY trying to break through some personal bullshit and make myself put myself out there. Easier said then done. It's like having better body image. Easy to say, REALLY hard to practice. I would like more then anything for a guy I respect, and who's opinion I value to accept me for who I am but I am highly skeptical of this. It doesn't help that my history supports more of my side then another one. I have never had a healthy relationship, and my familial male relationships were conditional and far from accepting. I am trying to move past it and the more I try to move forward the more I see I need to address.

I want it to be my weight. I say to people the guys I want to date want a girl 20-30 pounds lighter then me. There is probably a teeny tiny amount of truth to that. I mean lets say out of 10 dudes I would be interested in maybe 1 would feel that way. Who knows but I think it's far less then I think it is and not the given I make it. I default to my body and hiding behind it because it's what I know, it's a safe and comfortable place for me. I do that well. I do not really want to actually see that the walls I built up very young to keep myself from really being with someone are a little more shored up then I'd like.

I read an article recently if you want to date someone great be someone great. I think overall I am pretty great, and being great has very little to do with what you look like or what you weigh. I also do not ask of anyone anything I am not willing to offer myself. I do not care if you have a six pack, make a bajiliion dollars, or speak 7 languages. Cool if you do, but I do not have a checklist for a fantasy person. Why do I assume any and all guys I meet have one and more importantly why do I assume I am not getting checks?  I guess more then anything I worry more about my own issues and insecurities being reinforced instead of being proved wrong. I would love to be wrong. In fact I am banking on it.

The first step is seeing that the walls, issues, and irrational cray. The second step, messaging the guy back which I did. We'll see. One foot in front of the other.