I touched on this idea of not good enough. It's something I am thinking about a lot lately and what I have found is it goes two ways. There are the times I am asking myself to accept something that is not good enough, and then there are the times I should say no or move it along because something is not good enough. It's been really helpful both with food and life.
For food example, yesterday a co-worker brought two cheesecakes into the office. My week and day were super stressful, then all these people were in the office, loud, no regard for those of us who's office it is, and trying to get me to eat cheesecake. Nope, it's not good enough. Don't get me wrong, it was from Junior's in Brooklyn and I am sure it was delicious. Cheesecake for me though is not in my top 5 or even top 10 of desserts I lust after. Nope, not good enough. I have not made it to the gym every day this week to eat a piece of cheesecake that would be more about being stressed and irritable then a desire for cheesecake. Delightfully when I felt my reserve start to crack it was whisked away to be shared with others, and placed in the fridge. Love when you get a little help that way.
Life wise, so Thanksgiving is next week and my mother is two things, 1. a weenie, and 2. living in a fantasy world. She says I thought I would make a nice dinner, and we'll have a lovely, nice, calm dinner. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I said, uhm not sure how that's going to happen mom, he's had a year to speak to me and chosen not to. She says well I've been working on your brother and I think he's close. I relayed my opinion on two fronts, one I am not worried about him I am worried about me and two. I think he is being a coward and is not owning his decision and frankly I do not give an eff about what he thinks, or how he feels. Why does his decision mean I don't get to have a holiday? Why because he's decided to live his life out as Peter Pan do I have to be affected? Not good enough. His behavior, not good enough, her response, not good enough. Why do I have to be the leader? It sets me up to be the "wrong one" and I am not the mom, and most importantly I am tired of it.I personally have no issue doing nothing. I mean I had months to adjust to that potentially being a reality. I said well if he wants Thanksgiving and you do to, spend it together. I have no problem being alone. She's like oh no you'll get depressed. My mom proposed going to the movies and then getting Indian food because having anything traditional is going to make her depressed. I said I need to think about it. I don't know what I want to do since the norm is not available I need a second.
Part of what set me off prior to this discussion with her, is we've played phone tag this week and I got a text from her, where are you, I'm so worried, I dreamed about you all night. How's Dumplin. I respond, no answer. I call, no answer. I call again oh I was so worried, I thought maybe you were in Portland, or got kidnapped in Staten Island. You might be thinking oh that's nice. See I used to think that to, but it's not. It means the THREE voicemails I left this week were not listened to, it means she really just was having anxiety and wants me to soothe it, it means she really wants me to figure out Thanksgiving because that's what she immediately launched into. Then when I started to get riled up she immediately wanted off the phone and said well I want to see you, and spend time with Dumplin so bring her up here. Uhm......what? I have plans and no. I just can't. Not good enough.
These crumbs and illusions of care are just not good enough. They are what sent me down a bad path in life thinking they were what I was worth and all people offered. I learned this is what you can ask of people, and expect. It's not. It really is not reality. It's the reality of some really broken selfish people. In separating from my family to gain some distance and perspective I have strengthened my relationships with my friends. I am really blessed on that front and when I look at the people who've been in my life the past 14 years I think thank god. They show me so much love, support, and that I am really great and shouldn't change a damn thing. It just further affirms to me how I need to be vigilant in resetting my boundaries with my family. It sucks, and it does make me sad, and angry, but honestly being honest about it seeing them for who they are and cannot be for me is a lot easier then constantly trying adapt to be who they want for them. It certainly hurts a lot less.