El Ano Nuevo

Am I the only person who can not believe Christmas has happened and that New Years is here? I mean really where did December go. I best be getting on board seeing as this is the last day and all. I thought about pontificating on what I take away from 2011, and what I want from 2012 and I realized something. I do not know. I am not sure what I want from this year ahead. What do I want to make happen or what do I hope the universe will drop at my feet? I guess some of this is realizing that I like not having everything mapped and planned out. I am enjoying dealing with life as it comes my way and just stumbling through. I have little figured out, but each time something happens and I deal with it I learn and value how much I have changed in the past few years. There are other times I am over it and would like something to be straightforward and clear, but that wouldn't be the life I have chosen to live. I firmly believe very little exists in black and white, I believe I live in grey. I think the grey has often undone me, and now I look for more black and white. Life does not exist in black and white though, but being clear about what you want and need for you can strengthen what your black and whites are. I am drifting towards defining black and whites which are healthy and attainable and letting go of ones that are an exercise in futility to attempt to establish.

Tonight I am heading over to Katie's. I am not a big New Years person. Never really have been. Too much emphasis put on one night makes me squirmy. Never mind in NYC it throws the city into overpriced chaos. I am really really really happy though to be spending time with one of the most important people to me to usher in a New Year. That to me starts the year off on a good note.

As for other things....I guess what I hope for in 2012 is more of what I had and was just beginning to get and value in 2011. I value kindness over toughness, clarity over ambiguity, change over the status quo, dating over pining for those not available....

Speaking of that. I did hear from RGC in response to my bailing text. The next morning for the record and he basically just said yeah my mind is elsewhere, and I haven't been in the mood for much this week. Ugh, what a ridiculous situation. He's sadder then I first suspected. It's really hard to offer sympathy to someone you do not really know, add that to list of what I learned in 2011. I had drinks last night with my friend Kevin. It was great to see Kevin, and of course he let me spew all sorts of tales at him for his opinion. His ruling on RGC no contact for a week and after that cut him loose. It's funny, last night I cared and wanted advice of how to let him disappear into the man cave and not be forgotten today I don't. I am not going to give this more then it deserves from an attention and emotional standpoint. Yes, I like him, but timing is a big thing and it looks like I got hosed by timing on this. I refuse to think in a giant city of a gazillion people that he is truly the one person from me and worth acting like that. What am I hung up on holding on to? I think what I am hung up on is hope, chance, chemistry and that really fun part when you are excited to see where something goes. The great part about all that is it can happen with anyone and you just never know who it could be. Am I mad the fun got killed so early yes, but do I think it's gone forever nope. I got hung up on fun, but it's a New Year with a lot of of possibility of fun. I am going to get hung up on that promise instead of one that maybe doesn't exist.

In summary, Happy New Year's everyone! Thank you for sharing your 2011 with me and for letting me share mine with you. Thank you for sharing your stories, listening to mine, the comments, the emails, the tweets, thank you. Thank you for the time, support, and the commiserating. It means more to me then you will ever know. I hope for every single one of us that the next year brings us closer to whatever it is we're looking for however we choose to define it.

Well Hmmmmph

I need to whine a little about boys for a second. So yes things were going smoothly with RGC or so I thought. He got a little weird. He was weird for a few days and I did not think much about it. I chalked it up to the holidays and family obligations. Also we've known one another for a nanosecond and despite that seeming positive I was not going to assume any real familiarity. All I had to go on was how he had been and how he was being did not match. Anyway by Tuesday I was thinking hmmm something is up and at this point I can ignore it or I can call him on it. I was literally about to send the so I'm guessing you're not into it text when I got one from him. A friend of his passed away and he found out about it Christmas Eve. 1. That is awful and I felt bad for him, 2. I am so glad I did not send that text. I decided fair enough, he wasn't dumping his problems on me but said sorry I've been distant here's what is going on. His behavior however did not change. I started to feel insecure, and a little needy. I am not a big fan of either one of those emotions.

The big thing is we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night. I felt really weird about it. I felt like it's too soon for any big emotional hang out and the way things have been this week I'm not really looking forward to hanging out with him. I sort of suspected I was going to feel resentful and not really show my best side. I feel like it's not the best message to say you can act weird all week regardless of if it has to do with me and still get to see me. I am not down with that message. I have sent that message way too many times. I have also started relationships with men when they are having some sort of emotional fallout I support them through. What's that? Oh yes it's the alarm bells ringing in my head.

It's a tough thing not making new people pay for the transgressions of others in your past. I am not saying RGC is like every other guy I have dated. I don't really know him well enough to make that assumption or come to that conclusion. I do not know him. I do not know what his subtext is. What I do know, I do not like how I am feeling at the moment, and I do not want to hang out with him tomorrow. It's easy to forget sometimes you do not have to know what someone else thinks, you need to know what you think. I decided rather then to wait him out, wonder if he would say something I would take care of me. That's all I can do, so I sent a text, sounds like you had a rough week rain check on tomorrow night. No response. Silence sometimes is the answer I think but at least I am not wondering anymore.

Holiday Round Up

I survived the holidays! I hope everyone can say the same. It was actually a lovely time. My mom was on pretty good behavior already having one kid who can't be around her. I think it kept her on her best behavior. It was a nice time. We spent a lot of time together. A lot. We got along really well and actually discussed some interesting things. A few things I learned or rather am beginning to accept and not care about:


1. My mom and I define beauty differently. She equates it with thinness and I don't therefore us seeing eye to eye on this is not probable. That being said it doesn't mean we can not have a dialogue. I showed her the pictures of Harriet Coleman I posted on here and said can you really tell me in all seriousness she is not beautiful? She said no, she is beautiful. We actually had an interesting discussion about it. I said to her straight up I think a lot of your issues are centered around never feeling pretty and what you offered being your body, specifically your thinness. I said while I get where it comes from it would have been nice growing up to not have been told my body was wrong, not normal, and so on, but rather to have had the differences accepted. My mom is 5'4" and petite, I am 5'8" so off the bat I was never going to look like her.


2. We can define things differently and not hurt one another by trying to convince the other. My mom is free to think thin is better. I can not take that away from her, but she does not have to force her opinions on me. I can set boundaries of what is and is not up for discussion and I can calmly enforce these. I did not think this was possible I think it could be.


3. My mom will probably always have something to say about what I am eating or try to control it. I got sharp with her once, when I was eating a cracker with cheese before a dinner party and she chided me not to fill up. Later the next day I said to her, straight up do not talk about what I am eating or how much of it I am eating. Period. I have to learn and I have to learn on my own. Your days of being the food police are gone.

4. I may never be thin enough for her, and I do not care. She does. I think my mom respects me seeking her approval less, but it scares her. I feel this weird push pull about it that she does not want to have to worry about me or help me with it, but she also does not know what her role is exactly without it.

5. She has fabulous taste. I mean my mom's clothes are legendary. She said instead of giving stuff away or to your friends maybe I should save things for you. At first I thought YES PLEASE, then I listened to my inner voice that said hmmmm this sounds like a bad idea, and has set up written all over it. I am not sure why, maybe because I should be healthy and lose weight because I want to not to chase someone else's closet. I'm not sure what set me off but I honored it and said I'm not sure that's a great idea.

6. Sometimes when she sucks it has nothing to do with me. I have two little cousins who are 7 & 12. They are awesome and they think I am magic. I was chatting with them decorating cookies for Santa, and my mom not once but twice made sort of weird remarks about it. Things along the lines of, "Anna are you doing a monologue over there." I did not care for it. I called her out the next day. She actually was annoyed at my uncle and his not helping. I said to her so why did you say something mean to me? I said it made me want to close down and feel really self conscious. Why not just say to uncle man, I am trying to get dinner ready, Anna's entertaining the girls can you participate please? She completely agreed. What was nice about this was I got what I wanted out of it. Told her that sucked without anger, and heard her side.


My brother sent us Christmas text messages. Lame. I have decided we all get one holiday where we regress to being 17 years old again. This was his so I hoped he enjoyed it. I am still not sure what I did but I have left voicemails and sent texts so it's not like I have not tried to figure it out.

RGC and I kept in constant contact despite family obligations and the holidays. I was curious to see how that would go. I have yet to tell him anything about my weight history or even this blog. I am trying something different not just spewing my life story.

I went through lots and lots of old family photos. It was really cool and really weird. So much has changed. Not just me, but locations, people, who's even alive anymore, it was awesomely weird. I went through them alone for a while and then my mom joined in filling in some gaps.


 Below is a gem I stumbled across.

Am I working that Santa photo or what? 

Not so much a gem, but if a photo could some up my relationship with my mother, this would be it. She's all pulled together and perfect-ish and I look adopted and like I was big into oversized men's clothes. Do. Not. Understand this Anna.

Mama at my first birthday. How amazing is her hair?

Clearly my love affair with food started young. 

How did everyone else make out? Hope everyone survived and had a lovely holiday.

Just Enjoy It

Things are a real mixed bag right now, but mentally I am feeling pretty good about it all. A little round up.

 I worked really hard last week on not listening to the unhealthy voice. Dialing into that I think overall helped me check back in and not just about eating but everything. I just felt overall a lot more present. In checking back in I realized how I had not been present. Illuminating.

Eating wise I was way more on my A game and made much better and healthier decisions. I was not restricting, not eating my way through the night, and I did well with my work outs. I kept the alcohol to a minimum and just overall had a pretty healthy week. I saw Marisa on Tuesday and she said my weight was down significantly. I played it cool at first and just talked about the week but I finally caved and asked how much I was down. She wouldn't tell me. She felt with Christmas coming, and me traveling it could impact my weight next week and she wanted to avert any crisis. I get it. The one time I lost 7 pounds in a week it was such a blessing and a curse. I was thrilled, ecstatic about it, and then completely upset I could not do it again and again and again. A 7 pound weight loss in one week is not healthy or what you should be aspiring to and certainly not a goal to hold yourself to. I respect her choice and expertise and I have been really pleasantly surprised how not hung up on it I am. The number is not really important. I felt really good about getting back on track and it was great to have the scale reflect that a half a pound, or 10 a loss is a loss. 

In other news my brother is having some sort of quarter life crisis. Yowsa is he in a bad way. I have no idea what to do about it. He's been taking everything out on my mom and they can not get along. I am trying to stay neutral. It's practically impossible, but I do not agree with what he is doing or how he is handling himself, but it's not my life so not my problem. Straight up, I think he needs therapy. I think he struggles with chronic depression and has some stuff he needs to work through. He wants my mom and I to function in a role we just can't. He wants us to just blindly support him and for his actions to not have any repercussions. Don't we all but it just does not work that way unfortunately. He made the decision that he would be unable to come home for Christmas. He did not trust himself to behave properly and thought it was best he avoided the situation. It makes me sad to think he won't be there and it will definitely be weird. I am however HUGELY relieved he is making the mature decision to remove himself from the situation rather then make it worse. I think this is a great and super positive sign despite how it might appear. We have had some horrible holidays. I mean the stuff of legends. Really bad. After my Dad died we really struggled as a family to find our way during the holidays. Only in the past few years have we been able to come together not feel like we were broken and enjoy it. Once my Dad died we morphed into an unconventional family which we had sort of always been but even more so after his death. I see my brother as not attending Christmas as a sort of evolution of that. We would rather be honest as a family and say this is not a good idea and we're over the drama then just suck it up and try to be nice. 

My brother not coming for Christmas means I have several days without any back up with my mom. Should be interesting...I am looking forward to it in a cautiously optimistic manner. 

RGC....we've gone out. He's pretty dreamy...He thinks I am the bees knees and lordy is it nice. He's really easy to hang out with and there's a lot of chemistry there. I think it has potential but who knows. I am open to seeing what happens, but for now I am trying to just relax, take a breath and just enjoy it. 

Tomorrow I am off to Atlanta so I should probably pack a thing or two right? Anyone want to pack for me? 

Anyone else got holiday family drama brewing? Anyone not spending the holidays with their families? 

Asking Versus Telling

I am not going to lie. Last week my eating was not good. Some lapses into old behaviors that haven't cropped up in a while. Mostly restricting my food during the day and night eating. I found it really hard to eat during the day and then to stop at night. My life had become a little more chaotic so my eating had as well. The relationship between the two is super frustrating. I know they are linked, I know that how I am eating often reflects how I am feeling, and I transfer how I feel to how I eat, and if my eating is affected it then also worsens how I feel because I feel more out of control, and gross. Wowsa just typing that made me tired, a lot of feeling and frustration. Lucky for me things never get too bad because I do not go more then a week without seeing someone brilliant who helps re-programme my noggin'.

Tuesday I saw Marisa, my nutritionist. I said I am frustrated and I am becoming more aware of the links and parallels but do not know what to do about it. This sometimes can be the worst limbo, you know what you are doing does not work for you or make you feel good but you do not know what to do about it. I walked her through an example, grazing at night having an English muffin after dinner and admitting it was emotional and a little hunger but probably could have been avoided. She asked me what my dialogue with myself was during this. I said it was admitting it was emotional but in some ways allowing it because I had admitted that.

As Marisa does she said something brilliant. You need to quit asking the unhealthy voice questions and tell it what to do. She said asking the unhealthy voice gives it a voice. I think we can all agree, if asked our unhealthy voice will answer and while it's answer may be appealing it's not going to be what is good for us. She said what you could do in the future is tell it you're emotional right now and there could be eating fall out so you can have an English muffin for breakfast but not right now.

Since Tuesday I have thought about this a lot and in other areas of my life. I generally am open to other opinions, and points of view. I will open up the dialogue about decisions, and I am good with asking others questions and respecting answers. All that is fine, but the one person who can no longer get a vote is the unhealthy voice. The unhealthy voice hoses me each and every time. It makes me think it's my friend and has my interests at heart and it does but the wrong ones. It has the interests of perpetuating old patterns, bad habits, temporary comforts, and old feelings of what I deserve. It wants to keep me where I am because that's what is knows and is comfortable with. There are a lot of things I do not want to do anymore. Some of them are possible, some I may never really be able to define what success would be, I do know the unhealthy voice will not be asked to contribute to these questions anymore. It can't because I don't want to eat English muffins at night when I am freaked out. The unhealthy voice is quite silent when I say okay that's over now what, it's no so smart then and that's when I really need to listen to my own voice.

I have to say

There is a lot to be said for a man finding you attractive. I've spent my time lately chasing after someone I was unsure about whether or not found me attractive. Life truly is too short for that. The new guy lets refer to him as Ryan Gosling's cousin because as my friend Kim verified post picture showing it's the perfect comparison, is a delight. He has made it clear in a very nice and non gross manner how attractive he finds me.

I had no idea just how awesome that would feel. Not a clue. Who knows if RGC and I will amount to anything more then a flirtation. I really do not know or care right now. What he is making me think about and realize is I still ask for so little from guys and accept so little. I still have work to do on that front. While working on that though it feels pretty awesome and great for a seemingly good guy to find me attractive and want to see me, talk to me, and is not afraid to make it known. 

It's pretty basic really. If someone makes you feel like who you are right this second is not enough for them then they are not enough for you. Guys who make you feel sexy, attractive and valued deserve your time and attention. They deserve the chance, not the ones who you keep doling out chances to that are not valued. 

You Know

You know when you have a feeling something is going to happen but sort of hoping it won't? Yeah, we all know it. I got cancelled on for something I have been looking forward to. I knew it was coming. The writing was on the proverbial wall. It does not suck any less. The plans are not just dissolving the friendship is to. Now to navigate this without any unnecessary fallout.

Am I Really Doing This?

I have tried dating on line before and nothing much came from it. I totally was not ready and it brought up so many of my confidence issues. It made me really stressed and sweaty. The one date I went on produced the most epic face sweat of my life. I can laugh about it now (only a little, it's still mortifying), but at the time I had to take on board what my body and sweat glands were telling me. I was not ready.

I am not sure I am ready now. I do however know a few things. Operation starve the crush is going well but it's creating weirdness in that relationship. He does not seem pleased I have pulled away but listen if we're supposed to be "friends" me creating some distance and actively dating should not be an issue. I am not trying to play a game or not respect his feelings. What I am doing is trying to protect myself and move on from someone who does not seem to know what they want or where I fit into it. Since he can not make a decision I will. I have decided to move on in order to minimize the weird and hopefully keep the friendship. Not shut a door but open some new ones while it all plays out. This is new for me because previously I would have just walked away without a second thought or how it affected me. I would have not considered that I do value the friendship and would have wrapped it into a box and put it on a shelf to be forgotten.

A friend of mine is dating on line and has met someone she is really excited about. She was urging me to get over my dating phobias and the crush and to get on line. There was a lot of smart things she said but to prevent this from being a novel I am paraphrasing. I reactivated an old profile. I edited the info, changed some photos and did not think much about it. Not much was happening at first. Then I remembered you get back what you put in. I started being a more active participant. I am now communicating with a dude who looks like Ryan Gosling's cousin. That will do nicely thank you very much. Crush? What crush I roll with the Goslings now.

There have been some others but I am just not rushing or communicating with every guy who tries to. I am sorry but lets face facts the great thing about dating on line is I can reject you in a kind manner. I can look at your photos, profile, and communication with me and say no thanks. In the past I have felt like I had to be nice, return every message and think about each guy. I really don't. I am 31 years old. I know what does and does not work for me and while some guys might be perfectly nice people but that does not make them right for me. It's a great feeling giving yourself permission to trust your instincts. Not override that voice that says I dunno about this, or he is a bad idea, or whatever it is that your instincts want to give you a head's up about. I am embracing it and moving forward listening to it. We'll see what happens, probably more face sweating.

The idea of meeting someone still makes me queasy, but I do know putting yourself out there makes it easier to keep doing it. When all else fails I remember well at least I'll get a blog entry out of it.

What a Night

I could tell you all about it, but instead I'll show you. Fantastic night. Fantastic people. Viva la drag queens!

Vogue.

impromptu photo shoot on the light up dance floor. 

Kim who I call Juice and I. 

Jonboy and me. 

Juice, Jonboy and I pre-dance party sweating. 

I want everything mirrored. Including my boobs. 

A little photo booth hanging. 

I am obsessed with the blond. "She" was amazing and won that night's lip-sync off. 

Coco performing.

Juice is tiny in a sea of ladies. The one on the right looks like Jason Segel in drag. 

Me and birthday girl Coco. 

There are no words for how amazing her whole ensemble was. 

Jonboy dominating the dance floor.

Well This Should Be Interesting

I have quite a fashion challenge tonight....I am starting my Saturday evening at a holiday party where my friend is seven months pregnant and most of her friends and peoples have kids or are married. That's cool and I got the soon to be here bebe THE cutest leopard print onesie. This onesie might have been influenced by my second stop of the evening.

My second stop is a friend of mine's birthday. This is no ordinary birthday extravaganza. He is obsessed with Rupaul's Drag Race. In fact obsessed is probably not a strong enough word. He has rented a place out and is throwing a huge drag party. There are going to be performances. He has 3 looks alone and I have seen the heels he is planning to dance in, with his back up dancers.

I have no words for how excited I am for this party. I love a drag queen. I wonder sometimes if I have not just a gay man inside me but a drag queen truthfully. What I am not quite wrapping my mind around is how I dress for both. I probably am not going to be able to have a pitstop at home between parties. I think I have to dress semi neutral and then glam it up in a cab later adding every piece of jewelry I own.

Girl you better WERK that cab makeover! 

Confession

I am not the biggest Usher fan, but I find myself incapable of talking about confessions without thinking of his song.These are my confessions...Usher might have been singing about what he's been doing on the side, but I have to talk about what's been going on under my pants.

Shape wear is not a new concept. I am sure just about every woman in the free world at this point has worn spanx. It brings me a lot of comfort how many celebrities swear by them to. Jessica Alba had spanx sewn into her wardrobe for Fantastic Four. True story. I also noticed recently a lot of my friends are rocking the shape wear for day to day and not just special events. I love what they do, but I hate spanx. I really do. They are not comfortable in anyway shape or form. I also feel like yes they may smooth some lines, but they also smush me into a not so flattering shape. Great that my dress glides over, but now my butt looks like someone took a rolling pin to it and not in a good way, don't even start me on my circulation being cut off in the waist and thighs.

Telling you I wear shape wear is part of my confession. The real thing here is why. My legs are a disaster. Not because of size but rather the reduction of it. My thighs are not so pretty. I have a lot of excess skin and it shows through certain things, and there is not a damn thing I can about it besides be patient. I can be patient, but when I noticed with more weight coming off the problem was increasing I was most displeased. I mean it wasn't just silk and satin and known trouble fabrics but even certain jeans. It was starting to really get me down. I mean if you are not safe in jeans then where are you? It's not like I was trying to wear hot pants and unhappy with the results. My dear friend google and I did some looking. I stumbled upon Lytess. Now they claim to reduce cellulite, inches and moisturize. I think they have marginally improved my cellulite and my skin is definitely softer post wearing but I do not know about the inches. I was not really conducting an experiment. I just wanted to not look like oatmeal in pants.

I am addicted. The Lytess shorts are amazing. Some people wear them out, and to work out in. I think this is crazy talk. They are sort of like a cross between tights and leggings. I am a big believer in leggings are not pants unless your butt is covered, and tights are not the same as leggings. I would not rock these alone. They are amazing underneath things though because they are light weight, breathable, comfortable and I have to say considering how super comfy they are I am shocked by the control they give. It's not as much as a spanx, but there are no bulges where they end and I can live in them. I mean I have flown several times in my lytess shorts. I would never, ever, unless I wanted to really punish myself fly in spanx.

I got mine here, but you can also find them at bliss. 

I would have requested sewn in spanx to. 

Oatmeal leg banishers.

When Reality Crashes In

I have been unemployed for three months give or take a day or two. I have known I would have to return to work. I mean I am not a lady of unlimited wealth so I knew the day would come. I just thought it would not be terribly soon and I might have more say in it. I was wrong.

The way my business works is it's not hugely interview driven. It's a lot more meetings and networking. It's very a friend of a friend, who you know and that sort of thing. There's a lot of comfort in this because you know the people you're dealing with or they have been vouched for in some way. It takes a little of the scary out of it. I have been meeting with people, reaching out to others, but known it's a process and not a very fast one. A friend gave me a head's up someone might be contacting me and they did. Not only did they contact me but they wondered if I could work for them starting next week until Mid-March. Sounds awesome right? It is. I freaked the eff out. I have been an anxiety ridden mess ever since. It's a pretty big job and it would be a really great opportunity. I am totally qualified to do it. So what is the problem? It's real. It's not like the other meetings where everything has been very loosey goosey and maybe this will happen maybe it won't. I have had the luxury of knowing my anna time was still very much protected. I was going through the motions, doing what I was supposed to do but knowing on some level my world was not going to change drastically just yet. I also have felt really secure in taking some downtime. I have consistently worked my butt off since I was 13 years old I think. I have never not been working so at 31 being the one steering the ship and responsible for the outcome I was more then okay with a little time off because when else am I ever going to get this chance? That being said I have done some work. A little project here and there. In this economy and with all the people looking for jobs I have not really been hugely open about my embracing of unemployment. It seems so wrong, but I think everyone is different and so is their situation. I am playing the cards I was dealt and despite many people telling me just get back out there, dive back in, more told me take the time, and enjoy it. Enjoy it I did.

I think what is setting me off into this tailspin of anxiety is I have to face what I have been avoiding. I have to move on. Real life is not taking some meetings, waffling about town, and not working. Real life is not waking up every morning and deciding your fate all day or at least it is not mine. While part of me does not want to take this job and be locked down until March I also know it's probably best I do. I need to face these fears of working with new people, feeling not up to snuff, and not hide in my little cocoon. I also know being productive is hugely tied to my sense of self and self esteem and waffling about while it feels good now won't soon enough. If I am really honest about it, it already is creeping in that feeling a little crummy because I am just not contributing much to the world currently. A few times a day I would say to myself, what are you doing? No, really what the hell are you doing? I still do not completely know, but I do know for sure I can only figure so much of it out on my own not participating in the world.

Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I barely had any appetite which is super unusual for me, and just felt restless. I tried to figure out the cause, I went through my feelings, I talked to friends, I worked out, I ate some marshmallows, and nothing helped. Where I have netted out is change is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable right now and it's just the way that it is. I have to sit with it. Whether I face it now and take this job should it be officially offered, or I pass and take the next one, this process will not be terribly different. It's going to feel uncomfortable and slightly weird, because for me it is. That's just the way that it is and sometimes reality just isn't sugarcoated despite trying to throw some marshmallows into the mix.

I am not proud and the whole bag was not consumed in one sitting for the record. 

Ladies I love

Model Harriet Coleman. I feel like Borat wah wah wee wah. What an absolutely stunning woman. She also happens to have 43 inch hips, and a headdress. In conclusion we need to be friends.

I can't. Makes me think its doable. 

Beauty Obsessing

I get a lot of emails about my make up. I appreciate each and every one because I love to talk make up. I've talked make up before but I do not feel like I have been completely honest in just how deep this obsession runs. I love beauty products. Love them. I am a smidge reformed considering how I used to be. I mean I used to have more products then any woman could ever hope to use in a lifetime. I wonder why my savings are meager and then look at how much I have sunk into beauty products. I'm not proud. I am better now about sticking to what works for me and not being seduced by the latest and greatest product that claims to change my life. I do however hold out hope for that magical product that completes me. Le sigh.

1. I take moisturizing very seriously. I never did and then started seeing Lulu who explained a lot of my skin complaints were related to not moisturizing enough. I started and the problems cleared up. I mean how much better do you look and feel with nice skin? I swear by extra virgin or just virgin coconut oil for the body, and Scientifica peach perfection moisturizer. 

This is the brand I like. Just make sure whatever kind you use is not refined. 

It's pricey but post 30 a girl has to invest in skincare. 

2. Lips. I love Rosebud's lip salve. This is hardly a revolutionary confession. The best thing about it is in a pinch it smoothes your cuticles, fly aways, and my friend Jen swears it clears blemishes. I've never tried that. I also love a punch of lip color. My go to party lips lipstick is Nars Funny Face. If you don't want to deal with high maintenance lip upkeep you can put it on blot it and treat it like a stain. I love to pop some Lorac lip polish over it. Check out Hautelook.com they have some great make up deals. Face Stockholm makes a great lipstick as well for color newbies. It's the veil line. You can build up the color or just have a little bit and it has some shine to it. 

Semi-Matte Fuschia perfection. 

A little glossier and more subtle. Bright lip training wheels. 

Lip survival. 

3. Eyes. My day to day is smashbox. I love their eyelight palette in flash and generally just use the nude shade. Eyeliner wise, I am obsessed with Styli-Style. It's cheap, it's stay put, and I can get it at a drugstore instead of getting sucked into a beauty counter or sephora. 

Not the one I use, but maybe should be. 

Seriously. Get on board with Styli-Style. 

4. Taking it off. I use Purpose face wash and I am always on the hunt for good make up removers. Right now I enjoy Neutrogenas eye make up remover in hydrating. It does a pretty good job and does not make my eyes hurt. For the most part though I am resigned to always having a little bit of eye make up remaining. 

Super gentle cleanser and effective. 

Pretty good stuff. 

5. Cheeks. I resisted blush and bronzer forever. Then I discovered it and for a while looked a little scary but eventually found my way. I like to swish a little bronzer on my cheeks side of face and down the nose, and then dot my cheeks with blush. It works for me. I highly recommend the bronzer blush combo. I love Kevyn Aucoin's bronzer in Natural. It's super light, virtually impossible to over apply and often available on sale on hautelook.com. It also lasts forever. I feel like it keeps replenishing itself at night. For blush I love lorac desire. It looks neon pink in the container. Do not be afraid. It's pretty sheer, but a little goes a long way so it also lasts forever. 

A lovely bronzer that does not make you look dirty. 

Doll cheek maker.

6. Hair. Shampoo and Conditioner wise I am slutty and strictly drugstore. I go back and forth between L'oreal and John Frieda brilliant brunette. Product wise, I swear by Moroccan Oil. I like to put just a drop in when my hair is wet and then a smidge more when it's dry to contain any unruliness. I recently started using Janet Waddell's genius hair balm. It's pretty amazing. I swear it's the best thing for wavy hair. It keeps it soft and wavy without any stickiness which I can not stand. I can style it or let it air dry and it looks pretty amazing for very little effort, and it just takes a drop of the balm. My kind of hair product. 

It not only works but smells good.

Genius is correct. 

What products can you not live without? What products have I maybe missed in my obsessing?!

Sometimes...

Sorry, the picture does not really do it's volume justice. 

You go for a haircut and walk out looking like you are getting ready for a beauty pageant. I love Janet who does my hair. She's amazing and talked me out of the severe bob I sort of but not really wanted to do. I seriously indulge in hair fantasies. I mean I can barely handle brushing my hair much less a style that requires major styling. Anyway, on occasion she gives me THE MOST ridiculous blowouts. I mean where does she think I am going? I feel both silly and super glam. Happily it did not start raining immediately post haircut and I have a party to go to tonight so it will not be wasted. Win win.

Now on to some updates. I had yoga the other day. It was amazing! Olivia is super great and I am really looking forward to working with her. I was also pleasantly surprised because even though my yoga practice has sucked lately my strength training hasn't. Poses I had struggled with before I really wasn't. It was super encouraging. I however did not plan to well because I had yoga with her and then worked out with Egon that evening. Thursday luckily I did not have too many plans for using my upper body which is good because it was not an option. Holy shoulder/arm soreness, they still hurt for the record.

Operation starve the crush is going pretty well. There's been some sightings and witty banter but I'm taking it for what it is. Whenever I start feeling tempted to overanalyze or talk myself back into obsessing I remind myself if he liked me he would let me know and he's not so I don't want to waste time on him. It's a lengthy mantra but so far so good. It would be really super helpful though if he could just suck in some way at least once. This whole thing though is once again making me look at my relationship between weight and rejection. I was talking to my mom about it and she brought up a good point though. She said lets say he did tell you that you were too big for him, what would that solve for you? Would you really feel better if you knew that. No, no I wouldn't. It would definitely sting no matter how much I think it is THE reason. Sometimes we like to think we know what could hurt us the most and be prepared for it but we wouldn't be. I like being able to assume it like I have it figured out, but I would hate if it's the reason because it is the one thing I am still super hung up on about myself. The rest of me I am pretty okay with and if you didn't like it too bad. The weight, I would have to nod my head in agreement. I think I am closer to giving up this rejection escape hatch. I am over it, and ready to be rejected just because I am just too much awesome contained in one girl, bear with me while I indulge in some bravado....

Food wise, I have been doing pretty well this week. No super stretches without eating, no drinking this week, and the night snacking was under control. I have actually been eating pretty boring this week. Lots of simple sandwiches, chicken, and smoothies. I am pretty exciting ya'll. I did however have a lovely sushi lunch with my friend Kim that was a lovely break from my sandwich monotony and I got to see her gorgeous face. I have to say when I get back to working full time I am really going to miss being able to see my friends all the time. I love being able to have lunch with my girls. I think I forget what they look like in the daytime.

Lets recap shall we...crazy pageant hair, crush extinguishing, and a return to more normal eating. How is everyone else finishing out the week?


P.S. I got the best text ever in the whole world. My friend Lauren from LA, she's coming to NYC next week for a visit!!!! I could not be more excited. Seriously. I might have to take benadryl every night.

Wading in the Muck

Lets see a few things to update on. The holiday was lovely. Everyone behaved! My brother informed me I looked skinny and was hardly even fat anymore. Charming isn't he? He then continued and said depending on what guys I asked they might not think I was fat either. What I learn from little dagger comments like that though is I don't really give an eff what he thinks and you can not like something, but still not react to it negatively. I just shut it down. My new line when someone says something I just do not wish to even get into is retreat. I literally said to my brother retreat, retreat, and then when he was still talking I said, " You know I am kind of in a new place where I don't care what guys think. I could be a size 0 and some guy could still say I was fat if I let them." I have learned the hard way when you give people the power to validate you, it's a tough road back to reclaiming that as your personal right. I am looking to no longer give that away and certainly not to my brother. I do totally care what guys think but I no longer look to a male opinion to give me any validation or determine if I am fat or not. Regardless of whether or not I am, I no longer identify with fat. I have days I slip a little back and definitely struggle to see the progress I have made and by no means do I think I am thin I just try not to think in those limited terms anymore.

I sort of went a little man crazy over the weekend. Ugh. Can we take a moment to discuss secret crushes and how they start out all innocent and delightful and then take on a whole new life of their own? It starts so innocently and then before you know it they breathe and you are looking for meaning in it. I decided I wanted off the crazy train after making a panicked phone call to Katie Sunday night. Usually I am not a make a frantic phone call about a dude kind of girl. I would be fine with that if most of the situation was not 1. in my head, and 2. starting to take on a life of it's own. I was so freaked by my behavior I brought it up in therapy. I had one of those realizations that is very simple but one I had never made. I seek out emotionally unavailable men. This particular one I would not describe as emotionally unavailable, but physically because no moves are being made and I am certainly not making one. I not only seek them out, but I have never not known one. I mean any guy who has ever spent an extended amount in my life has not been emotionally available. It's what I know so it's what I drift towards. I still have quite a bit of thinking to do on this front. Obviously it's easier said then done trying to squash a crush but it's not impossible if you quit feeding it. I have to starve the crush. I spoke to Katie again last night, seeking out her wise counsel and something else I said to her is I am not giving in to unhealthy instincts or behaviors but I guess I just thought it would feel differently. This is not the case. Just because you do not act out does not mean the impulses do not change. Hmmm the irony of this parallel in my many other struggles is not lost on me for the record.

Moving along, the weight is I am not going to lie to you not so awesome. It's up. How much I am not 100% sure, but definitely a few pounds. This week I am going to try to keep it clean. I was supposed to have a few get drinks catch ups and I scaled that back. I am a little over alcohol right now, and just feeling a little gross and over indulgent so out goes the alcohol off the bat.

Another thing is I am returning to yoga. After my spectacular break up with my yoga instructor I am diving back in. I totally used our split as a reason to run away from yoga. It was definitely stirring feelings and the bust up gave me a great and convenient excuse to duck out. I am excited to get back into yoga, not so excited about what it could stir up but I am at a point right now where I want to be confronting what is uncomfortable then ignoring it. Delving through the past is not easy, it's emotionally draining, upsetting, and a daily battle, but I tell you what each thing I allow myself to think about as an adult loses a little of it's power over me. The lessening of the hold makes me feel like the fears, experiences, and unknowns that hold me back from reaching my goals are not impossible to move beyond. They really aren't they are just as not easily worked through or remedied as I would like. I would love to just make a list and merrily work my way through it. Just does not work that way with emotional muck unfortunately. I get it, I accept it, and now I work on it.

Anyone want to share some secret or not so secret crush stories to make me feel less foolish? I'll be your best friend and love you forever.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I should be showering and getting ready to head to my mom's place, but why do that when you can blog and drink another coffee? I am a girl with her priorities in check. I also have not heard back from Katie about what she's wearing. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Even though we're just eating at my mom's place outfit choice is still crucial. I try to dress up a little bit to reflect that it is a holiday. I can not wear pants too tight otherwise lets face it they are tight and uncomfortable. I can handle mom's house what I am a little tripped up by is going out after. Yes, there's a fella involved I'll leave it that. Ugh, clothes are dumb.

I am excited this year because I feel really calm. Last year I was still pretty new to not leading a disordered eating lifestyle. I was still pretty nervous about anything that was centered around food. I chanted the tips that Marisa gave me. I almost felt like I trained for the day. This year I am really not worried at all. It's one meal, one day and I have the skills to not make it spiral out of control. I am not going to let my family make me crazy and reach for another dessert when what I really want to do is tell them to be quiet. I am so happy Katie is coming. She did not join us last year and it just did not feel the same.

More then anything I am thankful today. I am thankful for all the amazing friends I have in my life, for the people I have met through this blog, for the support and kindness people have shown me, for the gift of unemployment I was given and for not being terror struck by what should be a pleasant day but isn't when food is the enemy. Food is no longer then enemy and neither is myself, I could not be more thankful to really be learning that and beginning to practice it. That being said I probably will eat more then I want to, drink a little too much (listen my family would drive anyone to drink, don't judge. ), but I will also laugh a lot and have a wonderful day because I'm getting it I do not have to be perfect to enjoy life. I am most thankful for beginning to grasp that. Focus less on perfect and more on just being. It's all you can do, that and eat turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone far and wide! Non-Americans have a turkey toast to us! What are all of you thankful for?

Lets Move it Along

It's been a little while since I set some goals. It feels like it's time to do so. 

1. Back to food journaling. I have been so incredibly off track on this front. I have not logged a damn thing in probably a month. No es bueno. 

2. Get back to yoga. Yoga has been dicey recently. I get SUPER emotional and it's super embarrassing, and distracting. I am starting private yoga lessons because this girl Olivia I know teaches and is super cheap. Problem solved. 

3. Add more structure into daily routine. I have become quite the tumbleweed embracing my freedom a little too much...

4. Better meal planning and grocery shopping. I have been really lax about this. I think since I am home a lot now I am afraid about having too much food in the house. So far the day eating has been totally fine. The night eating not so great but the days I am really bad about eating enough during the day directly affects the night eating. Lets learn from this shall we Anna?

5. Add more time to my cardio workouts. My cardio attention span got real short for a while. I up'ed my intensity and shortened my time. I think it's time to up my time a little bit to boost it's effectiveness. Especially with all the Haagen Daz going on in my belly. 

Anyone else redefining their goals? 

Dual Citizenship

I am a lucky girl for many reasons. One thing is I feel really lucky about is to not really be any one thing. I am both from the South and North.This was even more reaffirmed to me being in Arkansas. By day two I had reignited a major southern drawl. I caught myself pronouncing North Carolina, North Care-OH-Liiiinnne-UH. I could try to describe how much fun I had this weekend and would still not succeed. I could try to explain how great the girls I got to hang with are, and how amazing their fellas are, and how much precious the babies are but I will not succeed. It was a fantastic weekend with fantastic people.

We kicked off the weekend with a girl's night out. I got to see Melissa's Mom for a quick second and then we were off. I love her mom. She is a saint. She is one of the most amazing women I have been lucky enough to know. She has always been in my life with a kind word, reassurance, and has always consistently built me up. As much as I hate to say it, she's kind of the mom I wish I had but I am happy to just have her in my life. We headed out and there is nothing that prepares you for heading out with a mom of a toddler and a 4 month old who has not been out in a year. You generally should train for these sort of things. I do not think we stopped talking for hours. We went out, caught up, and had a great time. There was a fair amount of alcohol, not going to lie. Then Friday we woke up, lazed around a little and then picked up the boys from Mother's Day Out. While Melissa had a quick nap I caught up with her mom. As we say in the south we visited. I love these sayings and do not even realize I have forgotten them until I here it. Her mom is just so amazing. I know I have said it already but she really is amazing. She kept saying how amazing I looked, always had, and how proud she was of me. It was really nice and rather then deflect it I just let her say it. Post visit it was off to get the boys.

 It's a treat to get to see an old friend, but to get a glimpse into their reality is really fun. I was so excited to meet her boys. I met the baby briefly the night before we he needed a bottle and a change, but I was excited to really get to meet him without being a little tipsy. How do you know you're not ready for kids yet when you're excited to snuggle one drunk. Bad Godmomma. Bad. We picked up the boys, got them snacks, and everyone settled. Then good friends of Melissa's arrived and round two began. We visited, had a cocktail, and then got ready to go out. Girls just never change much do they? We're in our thirties but of course have to crowd together in the bathroom to do our hair and make up together. We went to dinner, and let me for a second talk about the food in Arkansas.

Oh the food. I ate green vegetables once. Once. I am not proud of this. I also ate fried pickles, pizza, real soda, a cinnamon bun the size of my head, hash browns, corn pudding, pulled pork, a cubano sandwich, and a pack of swiss rolls. I am not even discussing how much alcohol I had. If there is a shortage of vodka in Arkansas I have to hang my head and raise my hand that it's my fault. I gained a pound and a half while I was away. Not shocked at all and was just relieved that it was not ten because I would have deserved that. It freaked me out a little but I just rolled with it, did what I can and just took deep breaths. It was not my ideal to have a big blow out weekend the week before Thanksgiving, but what can you do? When in Arkansas, eat a lot of pork. That's what you do.

Being there and spending time with Melissa and being with her family just reinforced to me how much I want family. My own family is just not who I can count on. My Mom and brother are fighting currently and I am remaining neutral. I just do not have the patience or energy for it. I am sort of moving towards my logical family, the people I have chosen to be my family get the full access to me, but my family can not. I just can not trust them with myself. I am not going to keep going to the same people expecting different results. I am going to keep investing in the people who I can just relax and be myself with. I spent Saturday on the couch waiting my turn to snuggle the baby in sweatpants and my comfort hoodie not caring at all that I had raccoon eyes, and was wearing in PUBLIC my in private only hoodie, and had not showered. We laughed, commiserated, reported on our hangover progress, relived the night, and then laughed some more. We headed off to bed at about 8pm that tells you the shape we were in. Sunday we had to get it together there was a baptism to be had.

Sunday, I needed a hair dryer. I was in Melissa's bathroom and we laughed looking in the mirror that we were getting ready for church how it all comes full circle. We were always on each other's approved Saturday night sleepover lists because we would behave in church. Now 100 years later we're getting ready for church again. The baptism was lovely, and I still insist the pastor said to protect the child from wiccans not the wicked. At the airport I was sad to go, but so happy to have been there. To have had four days with someone who means so much to me, and to be able to laugh, share, and most importantly just be made me feel very lucky and thankful. Appropriate timing for this time of year hmmm....

Mel and I, before truly kicking off the goat rodeo of an evening. 

My precious snuggly Godson. 

Typical man pantless man watching football. 

Sex in the City Meets Arkansas

Sorry...I have been a little quiet as of late or at least it feels that way. My days consist of meetings, research, writing, the gym, social shenanigans, and coffee. I am off tomorrow though!

I am Arkansas bound! I am going to become a Godmother, which is awesomely exciting. My friend Melissa is my oldest friend in the world. We have been friends since we were two years old. Considering how much I moved around I think it's pretty cool we have remained friends. Melissa is hilarious and quite possibly one of my favorite people in the world, whenever I pick up my phone and hear a super southern accent saying Buh-nan-uh I smile ear to ear and know my day is about to get brighter and funnier. I have been a little stumped as to what to wear while I was there. The weather is about the same as here except much colder at night. I was not sweating it too much until I was talking to Melissa. We spoke today finalizing details, giving her my flight info and she says, " I am so excited for you to meet my friends, I told them it's Sex in the City comes to Arkansas." Well that changes a lot. Gone are my country casual fashion thoughts and hello are my anxious cold sweats. I mean I know it's a casual statement, but it's just funny to me. Melissa despite being a proud mama of 2 boys, being married for a few years now feels more Sex in the City to me then I do. She still goes out, dresses fabulously and has never let motherhood slow her down. I mean this is the same girl who was so excited for her second child to be born she wished she could just take ambien the last two days before his arrival to speed it up. Anyone 9 months pregnant who will admit they wish they could just knock themselves out because they are so excited until their kid is born is a okay with me. She is who she is two kids or not. When we were growing up we played a lot of dress up. I mean a lot. I had sort of an epic collection of dress up clothes, as a pite sized clothes hoarder from a young age. My mom's bridesmaid dresses from her friends were big hits in the dress up circuit. We often would play a version of Madonna. She was always the Madonna of Desperately Seeking Susan variety, a little punk, lace gloves, this was cobbled together by being children of the 80's and an old Halloween costume. I was always the Madonna from Like a Virgin, or Like a Birgin as I said it. I was too embarrassed to say virgin. I did not know what it meant but that it was grown up, and wanted no part of it. That right there in a nutshell is how we meshed and how we differ. We were always at one or the others house growing up. Her family was my second family, and she's my only friend who knew my Dad. Sort of interested to ask her if she remembers anything about him. Melissa always sought adventure and I was always more then happy to comply. One of our family folklore stories is we decided to be pioneers and got ourselves a raft and went exploring in the neighbor's prize winning koi pond. These are two stories that stand out, but Melissa, her family and the times we had are some of my absolute purest and best childhood memories. I love her most for that I think. She always has and will remain a treasured link to the past, and I am lucky enough to still have her in my present.

Melissa always was and remains exciting, slightly rebellious, and up for anything. I am pretty sure it has been at least 20 years since we had a sleep over. Seeing as she was my first friend, sleep over and oldest it's a pretty exciting weekend ahead. Oh and I get to be a Godmother, which I want to be referred to as at all times. Not really, but I am having some fun with it.

Sorry lil bro that you do not have pants on. When not dressing ourselves up a poodle sufficed. 

Melissa and I also did ballet for YEARS together. Sadly I did not have a photo on hand, but this super embarrassing one of me will have to do.