Friday, December 9, 2011

When Reality Crashes In

I have been unemployed for three months give or take a day or two. I have known I would have to return to work. I mean I am not a lady of unlimited wealth so I knew the day would come. I just thought it would not be terribly soon and I might have more say in it. I was wrong.

The way my business works is it's not hugely interview driven. It's a lot more meetings and networking. It's very a friend of a friend, who you know and that sort of thing. There's a lot of comfort in this because you know the people you're dealing with or they have been vouched for in some way. It takes a little of the scary out of it. I have been meeting with people, reaching out to others, but known it's a process and not a very fast one. A friend gave me a head's up someone might be contacting me and they did. Not only did they contact me but they wondered if I could work for them starting next week until Mid-March. Sounds awesome right? It is. I freaked the eff out. I have been an anxiety ridden mess ever since. It's a pretty big job and it would be a really great opportunity. I am totally qualified to do it. So what is the problem? It's real. It's not like the other meetings where everything has been very loosey goosey and maybe this will happen maybe it won't. I have had the luxury of knowing my anna time was still very much protected. I was going through the motions, doing what I was supposed to do but knowing on some level my world was not going to change drastically just yet. I also have felt really secure in taking some downtime. I have consistently worked my butt off since I was 13 years old I think. I have never not been working so at 31 being the one steering the ship and responsible for the outcome I was more then okay with a little time off because when else am I ever going to get this chance? That being said I have done some work. A little project here and there. In this economy and with all the people looking for jobs I have not really been hugely open about my embracing of unemployment. It seems so wrong, but I think everyone is different and so is their situation. I am playing the cards I was dealt and despite many people telling me just get back out there, dive back in, more told me take the time, and enjoy it. Enjoy it I did.

I think what is setting me off into this tailspin of anxiety is I have to face what I have been avoiding. I have to move on. Real life is not taking some meetings, waffling about town, and not working. Real life is not waking up every morning and deciding your fate all day or at least it is not mine. While part of me does not want to take this job and be locked down until March I also know it's probably best I do. I need to face these fears of working with new people, feeling not up to snuff, and not hide in my little cocoon. I also know being productive is hugely tied to my sense of self and self esteem and waffling about while it feels good now won't soon enough. If I am really honest about it, it already is creeping in that feeling a little crummy because I am just not contributing much to the world currently. A few times a day I would say to myself, what are you doing? No, really what the hell are you doing? I still do not completely know, but I do know for sure I can only figure so much of it out on my own not participating in the world.

Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I barely had any appetite which is super unusual for me, and just felt restless. I tried to figure out the cause, I went through my feelings, I talked to friends, I worked out, I ate some marshmallows, and nothing helped. Where I have netted out is change is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable right now and it's just the way that it is. I have to sit with it. Whether I face it now and take this job should it be officially offered, or I pass and take the next one, this process will not be terribly different. It's going to feel uncomfortable and slightly weird, because for me it is. That's just the way that it is and sometimes reality just isn't sugarcoated despite trying to throw some marshmallows into the mix.
I am not proud and the whole bag was not consumed in one sitting for the record. 

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