Am I the only person who can not believe Christmas has happened and that New Years is here? I mean really where did December go. I best be getting on board seeing as this is the last day and all. I thought about pontificating on what I take away from 2011, and what I want from 2012 and I realized something. I do not know. I am not sure what I want from this year ahead. What do I want to make happen or what do I hope the universe will drop at my feet? I guess some of this is realizing that I like not having everything mapped and planned out. I am enjoying dealing with life as it comes my way and just stumbling through. I have little figured out, but each time something happens and I deal with it I learn and value how much I have changed in the past few years. There are other times I am over it and would like something to be straightforward and clear, but that wouldn't be the life I have chosen to live. I firmly believe very little exists in black and white, I believe I live in grey. I think the grey has often undone me, and now I look for more black and white. Life does not exist in black and white though, but being clear about what you want and need for you can strengthen what your black and whites are. I am drifting towards defining black and whites which are healthy and attainable and letting go of ones that are an exercise in futility to attempt to establish.
Tonight I am heading over to Katie's. I am not a big New Years person. Never really have been. Too much emphasis put on one night makes me squirmy. Never mind in NYC it throws the city into overpriced chaos. I am really really really happy though to be spending time with one of the most important people to me to usher in a New Year. That to me starts the year off on a good note.
As for other things....I guess what I hope for in 2012 is more of what I had and was just beginning to get and value in 2011. I value kindness over toughness, clarity over ambiguity, change over the status quo, dating over pining for those not available....
Speaking of that. I did hear from RGC in response to my bailing text. The next morning for the record and he basically just said yeah my mind is elsewhere, and I haven't been in the mood for much this week. Ugh, what a ridiculous situation. He's sadder then I first suspected. It's really hard to offer sympathy to someone you do not really know, add that to list of what I learned in 2011. I had drinks last night with my friend Kevin. It was great to see Kevin, and of course he let me spew all sorts of tales at him for his opinion. His ruling on RGC no contact for a week and after that cut him loose. It's funny, last night I cared and wanted advice of how to let him disappear into the man cave and not be forgotten today I don't. I am not going to give this more then it deserves from an attention and emotional standpoint. Yes, I like him, but timing is a big thing and it looks like I got hosed by timing on this. I refuse to think in a giant city of a gazillion people that he is truly the one person from me and worth acting like that. What am I hung up on holding on to? I think what I am hung up on is hope, chance, chemistry and that really fun part when you are excited to see where something goes. The great part about all that is it can happen with anyone and you just never know who it could be. Am I mad the fun got killed so early yes, but do I think it's gone forever nope. I got hung up on fun, but it's a New Year with a lot of of possibility of fun. I am going to get hung up on that promise instead of one that maybe doesn't exist.
In summary, Happy New Year's everyone! Thank you for sharing your 2011 with me and for letting me share mine with you. Thank you for sharing your stories, listening to mine, the comments, the emails, the tweets, thank you. Thank you for the time, support, and the commiserating. It means more to me then you will ever know. I hope for every single one of us that the next year brings us closer to whatever it is we're looking for however we choose to define it.