Friday, April 20, 2012

Moseying Along

I think I have officially freaked my mom out that I am never going home. I casually mentioned I might try to head home today. I have made zero moves to do this. I am just not in a rush really. It's pretty here. She has bath products from Molton Brown and makes me coffee in the morning. Seriously, it's her fault I don't want to leave. I am not in a rush though because it's nice having her nearby when I get a little freaked out. It's funny what a difference a few years makes. I would have died before I showed my mom my naked body before. Now I am constantly stripping off and making her assess everything with me. Poor woman. She's patient. She gets that a lot more of this is emotional then it is physical. She however has asked I quit showing her my lipo bruises. Fair enough, if you've seen an eggplant then you know what they look like.

In post surgical victories I have finally showered. Woo hoo! Yesterday was not a good day. I was crazy emotional, tired, and in pain. When my mom got home I finally got into the shower so if there was a huge thud she would investigate. I got nervous taking all the wrapping and gauze off, because naturally gauze got stuck to it. She patiently strand by strand got it off the incision. I saw my scar and while not beautiful it's not horrible either. The reality is hitting me though that hiding that sucker from the sun while I heal is going to be a challenge. Time to stock up on some really good sunscreen. In fact hiding that scar while it's at peak angry is going to be interesting. I do and don't care. I knew going into this I was going to have one. Seeing it is a different thing.

In other victories... I wore real pants today. I had yet to venture beyond sweatpants. I thought my legs would be too swollen but I got them on. It's amazing what real pants do for your self esteem. I love wallowing in some sweatpants don't get me wrong, but there comes a time when it starts to impact your self esteem. I was at that point. I think my mom was starting to worry I had lost the will to live, yesterday was rough, but I was flush with victory getting my pants on and decided to join her outside in the world. We got our nails done. I decided to be sneaky and treat her since she's been a great nurse. I did not realize she got the world's most expensive pedicure, but whatever. Small price to pay for great nursing care. I do wonder however if they soaked her in caviar or something. I know we're on the Upper East Side but sheesh.

Eating wise I am doing not so bad. I am starting to freak a little bit about not being able to work out. I also definitely want to eat some feelings. I realized today that the coffee my mom has been making me is decaf so while she finished up her pedicure I went in search of caffeinated coffee. I went into this place I know has delicious treats and there was a tasty looking chocolate bar. I picked it up and put it down twice. I just reminded myself it was not going to make me any less sore and uncomfortable. It also happened to be $12 which is outrageous for a chocolate bar that does not have magical powers. All it could do is taste good and make me feel crappy about indulging when I am not being hugely active. Working out has a huge impact on how I feel about myself. I just feel smaller, lighter, thinner, and when I am not working out I instantly feel bigger. I am going to have to work on this because it's not like I am being lazy. I physically can not work out for 4 weeks unless I heal freakishly fast. I just feel guiltier about what I eat when I am not working out like I do not deserve things. I can have a bite of chocolate, but lets be real I was going to eat that whole bar and probably in one sitting. That without workouts is not so good. I ordered groceries that will arrive tomorrow and I stocked up on lots of fresh fruit and veg. I am going to watch my carbs a little bit while I recover. I do not need as many right now for energy. I am trying to eat super clean and really focus on putting healthy things in my body while I recover.

I have another confession....I do not talk about this much because it's my shame....I still smoke occasionally. Despite the healthy habits I have incorporated, despite the working out, despite the knowledge I have, I smoke. It's a horrible, awful, habit, but it's one I love. Well I can not smoke for 4 weeks while I recover. It's an additional stress. I feel like my go to's eating, working out, smoking, have all been eliminated. It's a bit daunting. I think it is another reason I am not rushing to go home. I can't smoke at my mom's, she literally would kill me. Literally. At home, who is going to watch me? I am not always so good at watching myself. I think I am talking about it here so I know the interwebz is watching. I did have a puff off a smoke and it made me break into a cold sweat and want to puke so I keep reminding myself of that when I want to smoke. My thing is if I can make it 4 weeks without smoking then I can quit for good right? So I should stop thinking about it as a countdown until I can smoke again huh...

Please, send news! Give me updates, tell me anything! I am growing restless recovering here.


  1. Nothing like a shower to make you feel a million times better!
    We all have our vices, smoking can be all about just putting something in your mouth well it is for me when Ive had way too much to drink, but only then! the fact that one puff made you sick is a great sign, so maybe you're right 4 weeks is going to get all the nicotine out of your body, its just battling the whole cigarette and coffee or cigarette and gin and tonic habit, the mental stuff. I have no exciting news or updates, sorry :-|

  2. Arrrghhh why does something so gross have to make me want it soooo bad? I mean it's not like I sit around and fantasize about mud pies. For whatever reason not smoking is also making me want to eat LOTS and LOTS of sugar. I mean more then I usually do which is a lot. I am drinking green juice, and a lot of water. Not quite the same.

    1. Not sure about that. Re the sugar, it's called transference, replacing one addictive substance with another, or swapping obsessive behaviours... It's hard your body is recovering from a massive trauma, stick with it you'll get there!!!!

  3. Thanks doll. Appreciate the support and the lack of judgment as always. xx.