Moseying Along

I think I have officially freaked my mom out that I am never going home. I casually mentioned I might try to head home today. I have made zero moves to do this. I am just not in a rush really. It's pretty here. She has bath products from Molton Brown and makes me coffee in the morning. Seriously, it's her fault I don't want to leave. I am not in a rush though because it's nice having her nearby when I get a little freaked out. It's funny what a difference a few years makes. I would have died before I showed my mom my naked body before. Now I am constantly stripping off and making her assess everything with me. Poor woman. She's patient. She gets that a lot more of this is emotional then it is physical. She however has asked I quit showing her my lipo bruises. Fair enough, if you've seen an eggplant then you know what they look like.

In post surgical victories I have finally showered. Woo hoo! Yesterday was not a good day. I was crazy emotional, tired, and in pain. When my mom got home I finally got into the shower so if there was a huge thud she would investigate. I got nervous taking all the wrapping and gauze off, because naturally gauze got stuck to it. She patiently strand by strand got it off the incision. I saw my scar and while not beautiful it's not horrible either. The reality is hitting me though that hiding that sucker from the sun while I heal is going to be a challenge. Time to stock up on some really good sunscreen. In fact hiding that scar while it's at peak angry is going to be interesting. I do and don't care. I knew going into this I was going to have one. Seeing it is a different thing.

In other victories... I wore real pants today. I had yet to venture beyond sweatpants. I thought my legs would be too swollen but I got them on. It's amazing what real pants do for your self esteem. I love wallowing in some sweatpants don't get me wrong, but there comes a time when it starts to impact your self esteem. I was at that point. I think my mom was starting to worry I had lost the will to live, yesterday was rough, but I was flush with victory getting my pants on and decided to join her outside in the world. We got our nails done. I decided to be sneaky and treat her since she's been a great nurse. I did not realize she got the world's most expensive pedicure, but whatever. Small price to pay for great nursing care. I do wonder however if they soaked her in caviar or something. I know we're on the Upper East Side but sheesh.

Eating wise I am doing not so bad. I am starting to freak a little bit about not being able to work out. I also definitely want to eat some feelings. I realized today that the coffee my mom has been making me is decaf so while she finished up her pedicure I went in search of caffeinated coffee. I went into this place I know has delicious treats and there was a tasty looking chocolate bar. I picked it up and put it down twice. I just reminded myself it was not going to make me any less sore and uncomfortable. It also happened to be $12 which is outrageous for a chocolate bar that does not have magical powers. All it could do is taste good and make me feel crappy about indulging when I am not being hugely active. Working out has a huge impact on how I feel about myself. I just feel smaller, lighter, thinner, and when I am not working out I instantly feel bigger. I am going to have to work on this because it's not like I am being lazy. I physically can not work out for 4 weeks unless I heal freakishly fast. I just feel guiltier about what I eat when I am not working out like I do not deserve things. I can have a bite of chocolate, but lets be real I was going to eat that whole bar and probably in one sitting. That without workouts is not so good. I ordered groceries that will arrive tomorrow and I stocked up on lots of fresh fruit and veg. I am going to watch my carbs a little bit while I recover. I do not need as many right now for energy. I am trying to eat super clean and really focus on putting healthy things in my body while I recover.

I have another confession....I do not talk about this much because it's my shame....I still smoke occasionally. Despite the healthy habits I have incorporated, despite the working out, despite the knowledge I have, I smoke. It's a horrible, awful, habit, but it's one I love. Well I can not smoke for 4 weeks while I recover. It's an additional stress. I feel like my go to's eating, working out, smoking, have all been eliminated. It's a bit daunting. I think it is another reason I am not rushing to go home. I can't smoke at my mom's, she literally would kill me. Literally. At home, who is going to watch me? I am not always so good at watching myself. I think I am talking about it here so I know the interwebz is watching. I did have a puff off a smoke and it made me break into a cold sweat and want to puke so I keep reminding myself of that when I want to smoke. My thing is if I can make it 4 weeks without smoking then I can quit for good right? So I should stop thinking about it as a countdown until I can smoke again huh...

Please, send news! Give me updates, tell me anything! I am growing restless recovering here.