My friend Beth's birthday was ages ago, but last night we went to the knicks game to celebrate it. I have been trying to stay away from booze, and take care of myself prepping for surgery. I also knew Friday night I was going to be out and wanted to have fun and not be precious about it. Good thing I saved up for Friday because we did it up and it was one of those nights you know is going to be a good time but do not know how. Ours was knicks + tourists we kidnapped + Australians we added to the mix + air hockey = epic night.
I love Beth. She is bold and her own person and she combined with a friend of mine is hilarious. They could make a wall their friend. Of course when we were milling about outside Madison Square Garden and started talking to a group of people in town for the weekend from Amsterdam they befriended them. Beth then proceeds them to come out with us. That's just how beazy rolls and I love it. I spent a good portion of the night flirting with a charming South African. He was going to head back to his hotel but I convinced him to go to the next stop with us. I think I felt like I could be bolder because I was never going to see him again, and well, vodka. It also made me realize a few things about myself and dudes. I have a horrible habit of finding myself with faux boyfriends that are my guy friends. We're definitely flirtatious, affectionate, and not completely platonic. This is not a good scene for me anymore. I think it was comforting before because I was scared and insecure now it's just really confusing and sucky. Being caught in these relationships holds me back from ones where there can be actual romance. Settling for these is crap and selling myself so short. It muddies the waters, threatens the friendship and there's no making out. It's happened too many times for me not to see it's a pattern and I play a part in it. It seems all innocent when it begins, you're friends so some leaning on each other, some hand holding seems like it is not a big deal at all, but it is. I get hung up on these little moments. I look for meaning in them. There is none. If these guys wanted to be more then friends they would. Period. Point blank. Issue closed. It's tough to let someone you care about and value reject you, it's even harder to accept you keep putting yourself in the path of it. Friendship is about acceptance, and mutual interests, and respect, bringing this element into it undermines all that.
I have been taking more risks with guys. Striking up conversations and putting myself out there. I do not think the surgery is going to make some massive difference, but I do think knowing it's happening helps me feel more confident. I still struggle not to want to hide myself. Not to shrink back into a corner and be safe. Surgery means one less thing to fall back on wanting to hide. I need to channel a little more Beazy sometimes and convince tourists to hang out with me.
** Update in an effort to be less of a weenie in regards to dudes I sent the South African a message on linkedin. He's an art director so not totally crazy for us to be connected and felt a little less psycho then facebook. I have ZERO expectation on this but was glad I went through the exercise.