Checking In & Shipping Out

The holiday weekend has come and gone. I would be sad about this except I am off to Nashville tomorrow.

Okay so what's been happening...The long weekend was great. A friend hosted a clambake and it was both delightful and amazing. Her friends are great, and a lot of fun and I love getting to know them better. It didn't hurt that the food was also really tasty. One of her friends I am getting to know drove me all the way home into the city despite living in Brooklyn! I can not with that kind of amazing kindness. He is such a love.

Dating wise, went out with another guy on Monday. I was on the fence. Intrigued but not sure if it's because I actually was or because he is very different then my norm. I heard from him today saying he did not think it was the best idea for us to go out again romantically but hoped we could be friends. I really appreciated his honesty and directness. Lets be honest here when you go out with someone on Monday and do not hear from them until late Thursday you know what's up. I appreciate that he called it like it is instead of trying out another date. I would rather kill it now then get excited.

It's not a huge bummer but I am definitely having to manage some feelings. #1 my brain immediately goes to thinking I am too fat. It's a really easy place to go and something I am not going to know because I am not going to ask him. #2 rejection is rejection no matter what and my ego does not love it. I was liking my track record the way that it was, with me coming out ahead. That's a little creepy and unrealistic on my part. Sometimes there is chemistry and sometimes there is not. I am so happy I did not text him, phew, talk about awkward. I would really be smacking my forehead then.

The first guy I went out with still remains the best date and it's just really easy with him. We email and text and he's always funny, and interesting.  He's sweet and cool and I look forward to seeing him next week.

I am excited though to leave the man shenanigans behind and girl out this weekend. There will be 13 of us loose in Nashville. Sort of terrifying....It's going to be great and I look forward to spending time with some of the girls I've met before and meeting those I have not. I've known Katie for over a decade so it's cool to finally meet some of the girls I have heard about the whole time. Now I just need to pack and make sure I make our designated meet time of 6:45am tomorrow morning. Bluuuurghhhhh.

The Curse of Bridesmaid Dresses

My bestie Katie is getting married in July. July 13th to be exact. She had been a low maintenance bride. I truly can not complain. However the dress situation has been a bit of a stress. It originally began with choose anything you want in this palette. Okay, easy enough. I ordered a dress and figured I was done with it. Oh no. Could never be that easy with a bridesmaid dress. I was so silly to believe this. 

So I get a text from Katie I found a dress at Banana Republic I love and want everyone in text me your size. I am the maid of honor so at that point she didn't care if I matched. We realized though the dress I had bought was going to look weird so we were like okay need to figure this out. She being the super sleuth she is found the dress at a location in a size 12. Size of relief it's done. Nope. I was silly again. I am wearing for the most part a size 12. On top I am a 10, and often a medium. My hips however I are still, well hippy. I get the dress from her this week. I get home and can not get the damn thing over my hips. I could have tried to force it, but I was pretty sure I would rip it. To say this thing had no give would be a gross understatement. Katie her self described it as wearing a sheet of steel. It's silk taffeta so yeah not exactly like my beloved jeggings. 

We formulate a plan of attack. We meet at mood fabrics of Project Runway fame, channel our inner Tim Gunn and decide to make it work. Mood was an exercise in comedy until we found the cutest guy who was super helpful. We tried to talk him into making the dress. I think we scared him. Sorry, Nate we were just high on fabric matching victory. We're thinking we'll make a dress that looks like the other just all in one color. Post mood visit it was off to Stanislav to talk dress making. 

Stanislav is an older Ukrainian gentleman and now my favorite person on the planet. At first I hated him because he told me having a custom made dress was going to cost $2500-$3000. Uhm...what? For that I could have something way more amazing then a bridesmaid dress and you better believe there would be some sort of bling involved. Katie despite her olive complexion is starting to look pale and green at this point. I flip into producer mode. I am like I really will not accept there is no other solution here. He measures the dress, and then measures me. He's like yep it's off by 4 inches, 2 inches on each side, you are half a size too big for it. He measures me again and he's praises my measurements. It was hilarious. It definitely softened the blow of being too big for a dress. He measures my bust, waist, and hips, and says very nice, they're very good. I tell him yep, they do not make them like me too often anymore. He gets fired up and suggests since we have the matching fabric and really do not need much added to the dress we create panels on the side and change the bottom a little bit and make the dress work better for my body. He says we'll make the silhouette more complementary and fit you exactly. I warned him I am losing weight, I highly doubt I will get 4 inches off by July but I have been losing at least 1-2 pounds a week. He says, don't lose too much, you're lovely. Seriously could have kissed this man.

I feel pretty good about myself, but things of this nature are definitely a danger zone for me. They feel familiar, big events where I would panic about what I could or would wear. I am used to a history of not fitting, or not being the one who matches or whatever. A big reason of why I did my arms when I did was so I would not have to have my wings hanging out at the wedding. I really did not want one more big event where I felt like I had to hide something or be uncomfortable. I was feeling a bit down that so the arms are better but now the hips are the issue. The hips are not really the issue. The issue is I have a body type that needs to be dressed accordingly. I am small on top and bigger on the bottom, like roughly a bajillion other women. I also have a large rib cage to boot and there is not a lot I can do about that. It's interesting learning to embrace these things and see them outside of weight. I am learning my body outside of a weight comparison but trying to see it for what it is. My shape has little to do with weight, it's my body type. Embracing these things and not defending, shunning, or apologizing for them is taking some practice. It really helps when you work with someone like a Stanislav who embraces your shape and wants to highlight it. It also helps to have a Katie who wants you to feel and look great even if she does not really get what Stanislav is cooking up. I am lucky to have measurements that make a guy want to measure me again, and I am learning to embrace that. 

Bluuurghhh

I am not sure what is worst a bad date or telling someone you don't want to go on a date with them again. Last night I went out with gentleman #2. It left a lot to be desired. I could get crazy in my list of what it lacked, but I won't.

I just spent the majority of the date bored and trying to astroplane elsewhere. I gave it a shot. I gave him a second chance but nope I am not feeling it. He walked me home and wanted to come up but I said no. No way was that happening. After spending the evening complaining about just about everything, displaying some barely repressed anger, asking me nothing about myself, talking entirely about what interests you, and making me walk over 2 miles in heels home I think not. The real clincher was when he asked me how I liked my sex. Yep. He asked that.

In a way him asking me that made me snap to and realize I have to do something. I am bad about checking out and just going with it because I do not want to deal. Dating does not really allow this because what are my options? Continue seeing someone not enjoying my time with them, have an awkward conversation, or feel really uncomfortable and want to eat my feelings. Today I felt really bluuurgh and I knew I had to do something. Friends said, oh it's two dates you don't owe him anything. I disagree. Dropping out on someone is a little sucky and not what I want to do. It also makes me feel on edge because I have not told them not to ask or expect anything of me so they think they can. I dread seeing a new text show up on my phone or doing the whole yeah I am just REALLY busy for the next I dunno lifetime routine. I lady'ed up and texted him and said I felt more of a friendship vibe. He was a little surprised, and I get that because I gave him the indicators that was not the case but he was nice about it.

The lesson I learned I have to be honest. It's just how I roll and avoidance makes me feel crazy and eat yodels. Yeah, that happened. A dude I do not really know or care to know much further is not worth yodel eating.

Leopard Print Pants & Date Plans

I don't usually kick up my heels at work. 

I got my new leopard jeans on today. They delight me. Nothing wrong with a little leopard print even if it is waist to toe. I might even wear these tonight on date #2, with gentlemen numero dos. Tonight's plans are a hidden hole in the wall Chinese place followed by ice cream. When he proposed the plan I told him I was glad dessert was factored in. You can't ply me with all that salt and not give me some sweet.

So keeping men straight is becoming a wee bit of an issue. Before any and all communication I double check who I am texting, writing, or meeting. While I think the guys who make excel docs detailing the women they are meeting on match.com are creepy I do get why it happens.

On deck for this weekend are two newbies. One is a baby. By baby I mean he is 26 yrs old. I HIGHLY doubt this is going to lead to anything, but he seems nice, and he was definitely feeling bold last night when he said I think we should finally meet and find out if we're compatible. Well alright then Mr. I am feeling myself. We'll see. The other guy who is penciled in for Monday, is a 29 year old lawyer. We started texting this week. He's very smart, and pretty funny. I am curious. He definitely considers himself a wit, but has no idea what he's in for if he thinks I can not step up to that plate. I give as good as I get. Should be interesting. He has a bachelor party this weekend and took the time to assure me it wasn't the cocaine and strippers kind of party. While that was not AT ALL what I was assuming I did appreciate it, always reassuring to know that a guy you might go on a date with is not hanging with strippers doing cocaine. I would say that is on my list of preferences. Well played sir, aren't you a sexy beast.

Weekend Roundup

Well last weekend ended up being pretty darn good and full of surprises. Biggest surprise I made out with two dudes. Yeah, I'm a hussy now get with it. I am also surprising myself by learning I do not actually hate dating. I don't love it either, but it's a lot of fun. That's something I have never really found or experienced before with it, the fun.

Friday night, was SUPER fun. Gentleman #1 was very nice, funny, warm, easy to be with. We got drinks first and then dinner. I was pretty sure he was digging me, by the progression of the night, but I am not one to get super sure or ahead of myself with a dude. Ever. Even during dinner he was like oh we'll have to come back and try that. I was like okay, noted, heard, and appreciated. Anyway he walked me home and then when we were saying goodnight went in for the kiss. Here's the thing, the make out was good, but I think I dig him more as a friend. He is a great guy, but I think I just feel more friendly then excited. I'd like to feel excited about somebody and he is an awesome amazing guy that absolutely deserves a girl who is excited about him not just appreciative. 

Gentleman #2, is an interesting bird. I still have a lot of questions regarding him. He may be too much for me or I may not be used to the fact that he is available, communicates with me, and is a nice guy. He texts. A lot. I mean like a whole real lot, but so do I. I have mixed feelings about it. He also is future talking in a way that I am a little uncomfortable with. I mean on Sunday he asked me if I watched Game of Thrones, I said no it was another series I was behind in. His response, that's okay I have HBO, we'll fix that. I don't know why but it freaked me out a little. I mean, it's a hour show so that's a commitment. This is so silly but I feel like if we were on date 3 or something I might feel differently, but we've been out once. I guess the difference is if I was beside myself about him I would have swooned, but I am on the fence so I was like oh I dunno about that. I am seeing him again tomorrow. I am hoping this will result in some clarity. I think he might be looking for something more serious then I am at the moment and so it might take care of itself. 

I never heard from the Cancellation Man. I think that's a blessing. I saw a friend of mine who also is 27 and I asked him what is up with your people? He said oh you don't want us, you are way too good for us. He then proceeded to tell me he thought that he would be the perfect man for me in 10 years. 10 YEARS! What is that?! I just had to laugh, uhm okay not sure what that means, but okay. I actually had a really great night with him. He got a little confessional and I appreciated him telling me he cherishes our friendship and what a good person he thinks I am. I told him he better remember it in the morning, he said he would regret it. Men. We finished the night with White Castle, because why not end the night with tiny burgers. 

This week just the date with the 2nd guy, next week looking like a date on Monday with a new guy. First guy is on tour this week, but been texting and emailed me some photos. He's really great, I wish I felt more chemistry then fondness. Sigh. There's a few guys who were hot and heavy with the messaging and now dropped off. It still annoys me, but less and less. Flakiness in general annoys me, dating just intensifies it. I just remind myself until you've met it's not about you. I feel like I am figuring some things out and growing more confused about others. The best part is I am learning more what I want, and having less anxiety related face sweats when meeting dudes. Bonus!

Eating wise...dating is rough! I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time since surgery. It was easier then I expected. My legs at first were like this is not fun and it burns. Pretty quickly though it was like I had never stopped which felt amazing. I felt good today, no swelling as a result or anything. I have also continued to lose weight and not working out post surgery lost 10 pounds. I feel awesome about that. I was a little worried the past week was going to result in fall out because there's been some boozing, and noshing, and tiny burgers, but I have been walking everywhere, mindful of my portions, and really cracked down on grazing and snacking. It seems to have really helped. 

Looking ahead I want to be mindful now that I am working out to not get bad about well I am working out mentality. I have lost more weight in the past 5 weeks not working out, then I did in the 5 weeks prior to surgery working out regularly. This is not lost on me. 

Oh for the Love of Pete

For the record who is Pete? But anyway...dudeski cancelled. Blamed work, said he'd reschedule. I said no worries. I did not say guaranteed. Next! Dates lined up for Friday and Saturday so no time to cry over something that never was because no one likes a puffy eyed girl.

Outfit Help!

Alright, I have a date tomorrow I actually am a little excited about despite trying to temper myself. Damn and blast, blast and damn. I was feeling all easy breezy cool about it until he texted me on Monday, " Is it Thursday yet?" Seriously. Why you got to be all cute like that? Anyway here is my proposed date outfit. We've never met so I am not interested in really going all out and being super datey dressed because should we like each other that would be a second date thing to me. Just throwing that thought out there.

How I'm Dressing & What I'm Obsessing

I knew that post arms I was going to develop a problem shopping for short sleeves, and tank tops. I mean I love any excuse to shop, I love clothes, and with summer approaching and new arms to be showcasing serious perfect storm fixings. The thing is it's not like I don't own short sleeves things or tanks. I just own ones I usually hid the arms of and I am now bored with. I am ridiculous.

I recently ordered a bunch of stuff from Zara, who I love. They have lots of really cute tee shirts for $19.99 and under. I definitely went a little crazy and a bunch of it is going back but I digress. On my way to pick up my zara order because how's this for a I don't have a doorman danger zone, you can ship to a store and pick up. No es bueno. What often holds me back is how the eff am I going to get stuff delivered, or if I ship it to my mom's how much am I going to hear about it? Off I went to pick up my stuff and on my walk wouldn't you know it H&M is on the way. There was a shopping massacre that went down. I'm not proud. I have no excuse, but I will say this a few days later I returned half of it. Once the holy crap I can wear this stuff now haze lifted I realized I had lost my goddamn mind.

I am also realizing not just post surgery but overall my body is changing a lot. I swear weight loss is like never ending puberty. I think I have my mind wrapped around what's going on and something changes again. Now when I see pictures I'm like oh my I did not see that coming. It's kind of nice when a former foe (photographic evidence of shape) becomes a friend. That being said Kim snapped some full body shots of me and I still weird out and squirm like I am trying to hide myself. Ugh, seriously awkward-itis is a serious made up disease.

Last night I had a lovely lady date with Kim/Juice. We saw Zola Jesus, yes again, together. She was playing at the Guggenheim with a string quartet and it was awesome. The company, the setting, the music. The whole shebang. Lovely. When she came back on stage to do an encore she walked by us and she is so unbelievably tiny. As Kim put it I own shoes bigger then her. Not terribly far off.

bought this

not sure about this one, does one need a see through chiffon tank?

electric orange neon stars, definitely need. 

neon yellow of the other day

sassy malassy back 

wow, I can contort awkwardly in photos. 

Zola, perched on the edge of the stage. 

Kim and I. 

Zola, encore. 

Nails Like Jewels

This is for Joyski. It's also because I really, really, really love when my hands do not look beat to hell. It makes a nice change from when I want to constantly keep my finger's folded and just pass people things with my knuckle nubbins. Classiness. I has it.

I also noticed in taking this photo I have on A LOT of accessories. Geez. It's like I channeled my inner drag queen this morning. Sort of lovesit. Makes me feel very gypsy. I also failed to notice my shirt I just got from zara (compulsive zara shopping is a new problem) that I thought was a punchy lemon is more neon. I noticed that walking down 14th this morning. There was no not noticing me.

What I Am Doing Tonight

I am going to dance in traffic on my way to get a manicure. Why you ask, because I have health insurance! I not only have health insurance, but it's not bankrupting me. Happiness all around. While tempting to put that bad boy to use and get my money's worth I will actually just be getting a manicure this evening. There are advantages to not rushing to the gym at night. Advantages like manicures. Mint green manicures.

In other news...I have been freed from my chastity sleeves! I am healing well. My armpit despite my insistence it's infected is not. My Doctor at this point is positive I want it to be infected. I don't blame him. I was like I know you are the doctor and I am not, but are you sure? He's very nice and patient with me and was like keep putting the bactine on it and you can put a band aid on it to if you want. Clearly this is a very sophisticated healing procedure. I can start working out my legs in a week. I can start arms 1-2 weeks after that. I am highly skeptical about the whole arms in 1-2 weeks. They are still sore and fragile but who knows. Maybe it starts to accelerate from here on out. I am skeptical.

I have a full blown love affair/obsession/addiction with Organic Avenue. Samara, I apologize in advance if you to develop the sickness. I'm downing shooters of algae and chlorophyll. I do not know who I am anymore. It just cracks me up, had you told me a a year or two ago I would drink green juice, and take shots of algae I would have looked at you like you were inconceivably stupid. A word of advice, a green juice is fine in the afternoon, algae and chlorophyll not so much. They are naturally energizing and that is no lie. If you were to drink your green juice and take your shooters on say a Sunday evening you will be up reading until about 4am. Also chlorophyll will turn your teeth green. Make sure to swish before leaving the house. Not that I forgot one day or anything.

On the weigh loss tip, vigilance is paying off. I was down 3 pounds this week. Not the goal for the moment I just want to not gain without the gym but hey I certainly will take it. I now have to go look at more tank tops on line now...

It's a problem when they give you a bag. It's a bigger problem when your juice purchase requires it. 

My juice obsessing with Samara. 

It Could Be Anything

You know what's a bummer about on line dating besides on line dating...You can be chatting with someone and hitting it off and then nada. The one fella I gave my email to has gone a little cold. This of course leaves me perplexed.

I think on line dating is a little addicting. You get used to the interaction, the availability and the ease. It's not like real life. In real life if I met a guy I would not be surprised if he went quiet. I would not be phased at all. I would give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was busy, had plans, or you know the million other reasons someone is not talking to you. On line whole different ball game. If I log on and see he's there as well I am torn between fighting the urge to message ( I didn't) and wondering if he's messaging every other girl on there ( he could be). What can you do? A whole lot of nothing.

I guess what makes me feel insecure is he knows my first and last name and I know he looked at my linkedin profile. If he looked at that what else did he look at? I was chatting with a friend and telling her I was now a little afraid he had googled me. You see if you google me nothing horrible comes up. No sex tapes. No mugshots. Nothing that in my opinion is awful. What does come up...my blog, and fitperez along with a lot of other things. Most of my digital life is positive. It's career stuff, TV credits, and even articles I have been featured in. I mean it could be a lot worse. I can not help but wonder if this guy googled me found my blog and was like oh no not for me.

In the long run I guess it does not really matter because I am not planning on changing things any time soon. The blog is staying, it's not going to be password protected. More importantly I can not undo or change the past. I was very overweight once upon a time. If I had my choice it's something I would share with someone when I felt ready and it was appropriate. I like that with new people I get a fresh start. I like that with someone who meets me now what I look like is not a comparison to before. It's not something I hide, avoid or run from. I mean it is what it is. I do not lead anymore with my weight loss, or my previous weight but it does not change that both of those pieces are a part of my life. It's a tricky thing to work out. I have not completely found my way with it, but in some ways I think google could do me a favor. If it doesn't work for you best to know now.

In the past when dating guys who have either learned of my blog or I've told them about it have asked if they could read it. My default answer has been no. If you're asking then the answer is no. My thinking is you're going to overwhelm yourself with a bunch of information you have no idea what to do with. For example if he did stumble upon the blog, not so thrilling his first introduction to my body is that I had my excess skin removed. Am I ashamed? No. Is it something I hide? Not at all. I think everyone I have ever known ever has received my drugged up tank pic but someone who I have never met in person before, yeah I hope I get the chance to meet them before they know what I look like sans make up and hopped up on percoset.

 Just like I am more then my body, weight or weight loss I am also more then my blog. I'm honest here, I'm revealing, and I do share many aspects of my life but it could never fully represent who I am as a person. It's a blog and that's what it functions as and okay maybe sometimes it pulls double duty as a chastity belt.

Ugh, what's all so stupid is maybe he decided he just doesn't like a girl with brown hair so that being said next!

And We Have a Winner

Drumroll please......the giveaway winner is another *** diet girl. She not only wins prizes but blogs over at http://diaryofadietgirl.blogspot.com/ in case you didn't know. Another *** diet girl let me know what's your pick some retooled vintage fashion or some delightful jewels.

Losing the Will to Live

Okay that is a hugely dramatic title. I am a little bit however because in about ten minutes yesterday I went from my healthy albeit gimpified state to having a terrible cold. I am forgetting what feeling normal feels like. I think it just TOO MUCH for someone to be healing from surgery, have a punch test and now new stitches, and a cold all at the same time and have no more percoset. To much. I want a do over.

Whoah a 100!

I never thought one person would read this much less a 100. It's pretty amazing and totally awesome. I've said it before I will say it again. Thank you. Thank you from a very pure and true place in my usually sarcastic heart. You'll never know what it does and has meant to me.

Okay so on to other bits and bobs. Food wise I am eating really clean still. I am also being pretty vigilant about my portions. I took a lovely long walk with the pup today. I am feeling pretty good, still sore and tired. It's two weeks today and I can't believe it. Truthfully a little over it. I want the sleeves off, I want a free range of motion back, but then I remind myself it's been two weeks. Slow your roll lady.

Not much going on and a lot at the same time. The work I am doing at IFC is pretty darn cool and I am excited about it. I have a lot of plans coming up. I get to see some of my favorite fellas tomorrow night that I have not seen in ages. Super excited to see their faces. Saturday going to this art festival on Roosevelt island and then going to see Feist. I am bummed for my friend Kim she broke up with her girlfriend, but I am not mad at benefiting by being her date to Feist. I am trying to get Knicks tickets for Thursday night, because well they need me. We'll see.

I went to the dermatologist today for a follow up. I had a nubbin' removed right before surgery that came back as a malignancy. Not cancerous but malignant so I had to have a punch test to make sure everything was removed. 1. I love my doctor. She seriously is the bee's knees. 2. I have another damn wound now. I seriously could not feel more unattractive then if I had a full body rash. Nothing like having what feels like a mattress on the side of my back taped to me until tomorrow. Great something else to make sure heals properly. I can barely keep plants alive and now I have to make sure all sorts of ish is healing and thriving. It's a little daunting truthfully.

Funny fella side note. One of the guys I am most interested in meeting asked me for my email. This is a little scary because then you have my last name. Once you have that then I'm google-able. I gave it to him because well I just don't think he's a douche. Anyway he had told me his name and where he works and it was not hard for me to find him on linkedin. I was chatting with a guy friend of mine about linkedin and he mentioned how you can see who has looked at your profile. I almost died, I'm like WHAAAT??!!! Great, this dude I have never met is now going to think I am a total stalker. Great. I look at my settings and I actually come up anonymous. Phew. I look today on linkedin and see that more people have looked at me. I check it and he looked at my profile. Stalker. Kidding. Totally cracked me up. On another note, two guys have asked me if I was on facebook. When I told them yes and they asked to add me, I gave my name. I accepted their friend request and then within maybe a hour they de-friend me. WHAT THE EFF IS THAT?! Is it just to see all your photos and do some sort of interwebz reconnaissance? Do I seriously need to clean up my FB act? Ugh. It's all pretty funny because I am who I am. If you can't deal with my digital footprint then we probably would not work out because it's not changing anytime soon. Sometimes I wish we could just date and there was no facebook, no linkedin, texting, none of that nonsense. You either had a message on your home phone or didn't. Well on second thought that might be awful because I like moving about and not missing calls, said the girl who keeps her phone on silent and misses calls all the time....I have no idea what I want but I do know that text based relationships are the pits and to be avoided. That much I have figured out.