Sunday, May 6, 2012

It Could Be Anything

You know what's a bummer about on line dating besides on line dating...You can be chatting with someone and hitting it off and then nada. The one fella I gave my email to has gone a little cold. This of course leaves me perplexed.

I think on line dating is a little addicting. You get used to the interaction, the availability and the ease. It's not like real life. In real life if I met a guy I would not be surprised if he went quiet. I would not be phased at all. I would give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was busy, had plans, or you know the million other reasons someone is not talking to you. On line whole different ball game. If I log on and see he's there as well I am torn between fighting the urge to message ( I didn't) and wondering if he's messaging every other girl on there ( he could be). What can you do? A whole lot of nothing.

I guess what makes me feel insecure is he knows my first and last name and I know he looked at my linkedin profile. If he looked at that what else did he look at? I was chatting with a friend and telling her I was now a little afraid he had googled me. You see if you google me nothing horrible comes up. No sex tapes. No mugshots. Nothing that in my opinion is awful. What does come blog, and fitperez along with a lot of other things. Most of my digital life is positive. It's career stuff, TV credits, and even articles I have been featured in. I mean it could be a lot worse. I can not help but wonder if this guy googled me found my blog and was like oh no not for me.

In the long run I guess it does not really matter because I am not planning on changing things any time soon. The blog is staying, it's not going to be password protected. More importantly I can not undo or change the past. I was very overweight once upon a time. If I had my choice it's something I would share with someone when I felt ready and it was appropriate. I like that with new people I get a fresh start. I like that with someone who meets me now what I look like is not a comparison to before. It's not something I hide, avoid or run from. I mean it is what it is. I do not lead anymore with my weight loss, or my previous weight but it does not change that both of those pieces are a part of my life. It's a tricky thing to work out. I have not completely found my way with it, but in some ways I think google could do me a favor. If it doesn't work for you best to know now.

In the past when dating guys who have either learned of my blog or I've told them about it have asked if they could read it. My default answer has been no. If you're asking then the answer is no. My thinking is you're going to overwhelm yourself with a bunch of information you have no idea what to do with. For example if he did stumble upon the blog, not so thrilling his first introduction to my body is that I had my excess skin removed. Am I ashamed? No. Is it something I hide? Not at all. I think everyone I have ever known ever has received my drugged up tank pic but someone who I have never met in person before, yeah I hope I get the chance to meet them before they know what I look like sans make up and hopped up on percoset.

 Just like I am more then my body, weight or weight loss I am also more then my blog. I'm honest here, I'm revealing, and I do share many aspects of my life but it could never fully represent who I am as a person. It's a blog and that's what it functions as and okay maybe sometimes it pulls double duty as a chastity belt.

Ugh, what's all so stupid is maybe he decided he just doesn't like a girl with brown hair so that being said next!

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