Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Progress in the Unknown

So lets see what's going on. A whole lot actually. I am still losing weight which I am both super excited about and not really surprised. I definitely have life stress that I am working daily to manage but not being super unhappy is making it easier to stay clear in my mind and make healthy choices and decisions. It's daunting to have the task of restructuring my life in front of me but it's pretty cool and definitely educational on a daily basis. My career has always been such a hugely defining aspect of my life I kind of feeling I am really getting to know who I am with that removed.

Work wise, I am a meeting machine. I have enjoyed having the downtime but I am starting to go a little mad. I am trying not to make rash decisions based on fears, but it's tough not to feel this pressure. Friends, family and professional peeps keep urging me to relax take my time and just see what happens, but that does not pay my bills. I get overwhelmed by just how alone I feel. I am responsible for every aspect of my upkeep from getting my laptop up to snuff with software to figuring out health insurance. None of it is a huge deal but some days it feels like it is. I just try to keep the anxiety in check and address what I can as I can. I am learning a whole lot about one day at a time. 

I have a few things cooking and they are all vastly different which is exciting and confusing. I am not sure what direction I will end up going in at this point. I think some of it will have to do with offers being made, and what I just feel like is the right direction to charge right into. Being openminded and not having a definitive answer I think makes more things drift in my direction. I am open to anything because I have no conclusive idea of direction. A few things I have sussed out are, I want to be more creative, I want to have an increased role in creative concept, I would like writing to be a component, and ideally social media plays a part of this yet to be named job. It's weird job searching 9 years after entering the job market because it's less interviews and applying and more meeting and casual talking. A part of me is frustrated by this and wants more clarity another part likes the looseness. It leaves me more open to listening and considering and not so concerned with what the direct result of this chat is. I focus on being excited by all these unknowns and not paralyzed by them. Most of the time this works, other times not so much.

Lots and lots of writing going on. I am writing almost every day and things are moving along swimmingly with the writing partner. I am growing used to his greatness, and less phased by it. It's really great to work with someone who is super great as a person, and pushes me to do better work. I think some of what was creeping in, is my last big business partnership truly royally blew up in my face and I was holding him at arm's length. I have to really sort through how I feel about that relationship dissolving and the way that it did. We have not spoken since I left, and he sent me a text to say sorry about it. Almost 9 years together, starting a company together, and a text? Lame. Anyway feelings of betrayal are there now that some of the relief associated with a break up I wanted has lessened. As for the newbie, I think I had some stuff swirling he was being affected by. I am afraid of getting too attached to working with someone again, I am afraid of admitting how important what we are working on is to me, and I am uneasy about working on something that is outside my comfort zone. I did not really delve into the partnership stuff with him but the other stuff I did. It was a good lesson in speaking up talking to him because in order to work with me he has to learn about how I work and vice versa. I learned a lot in that phone call about both of us. I had to articulate some stuff I had been avoiding and I had to take the chance of sharing it with him. Ew, vulnerability. Not a big fan but what I keep learning is newbie does not scare easily and I have yet to throw anything his way he has been phased by. The more we learn about how the other operates the better we work together. We met Monday night and had one of our most successful meetings, accomplishing so much, clarifying a ton, and I felt like we had a different level of comfortability working and sharing ideas with one another. If nothing else is progressing that is and that's pretty great for now. 

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