Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Summer Makes Me Feel Funny

I like summer. I wouldn't say I love it. I like being outside and the general frolicking but it has always caused me a measure of panic as an adult. It used to be centered around being overweight. Summer was not your friend. I have never been one of those girls who despite being super overweight rocked a bikini. I applaud those women but I am also completely baffled by them. Anyway it was always a game of how to best work around the weight but still participate in summer, and not draw too much attention to myself. I would often wear clothes that brought me close to passing out I was so hot, and would try to play it off, but inevitably someone asked, " Aren't you hot?" and I was. I was so damn hot. Now I am not so hot. I mean I am right now in NYC because all of a sudden we were plunged into August without a warning. True story. Monday it was in the 90's. THE 90's! I knew after the gym walking around in my sweaty gym clothes was going to not be a good time so I brought a change of clothes.

I am not a real leg or upper arm bearer. Summer is real testing me. Post gym I made myself wear my usually for the beach only jean shorts. I felt naked. I realized walking around, and being happy I was cooler, both because of the temperature and my awesome wolf t-shirt I felt really exposed. I love layering clothes fashion wise, and summer takes this away from you. It literally exposes more of you. I had never really felt this way because I was clinging to covering up. I do not look to cover up anymore but it does not mean I am okay with putting it all out there it would appear. It's not like I was strutting around in a bikini, but shorts that were almost to my knees and a baggy (but awesome) t-shirt. Some of it is I am not totally happy with how I look. I hate that I am still overweight for another summer, another season change. It's a bummer. I thought I was going to be done a while back and I do not know why I am not 30 pounds lighter. I do but I don't. I know I am not doing everything I could be, but I do not know why I am not doing all of those things.

Summer makes so much of this harder to hide from. I would love to be wearing tank tops and sundresses but I just do not feel comfortable in them. Part of it I have to get over and deal with. Summer is an exposing time. We're literally out more both doing things, and more of our bodies. The other part is I have to keep looking at what's holding me back. What keeps me from giving 100% to my goals, and what are my goals now? I have a few new goals written below:

1. Finally wear the jeans I bought a while back that are a size smaller then current ones.

2. When I go to France July 28th, leave feeling more confident and comfortable about my body. No more panic oh I'm going away and I don't like how I look. Funny how being somewhere else can bring things to surface...good thing I have this whole summer meltdown thing to speed the process up.

3.  Food journal every morsel. I have been keeping a journal but I have been lazy and sloppy.

4.  Eat more meals at home. Been eating out a lot.

5. Freely indulge my current watermelon obsession.

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