I have been on the partying streak. It's been fun but in typical Anna fashion I had to take it too far. The other weekend I went out and bypassed tipsy and got real drunk. I mean drunkity, drunk, drunk. Let me put it truly into perspective...I puked in the cab. That was a gross over share but I'm sorry had to be said. As I lay on my bathroom floor thoroughly grossed out by myself I said, you feel good about this? Does this give you good self esteem? No it did not. Sunday I lazed around my apartment reflecting, and I realized just like so many other things I had taken a good thing too far. I am compulsive and have an addictive streak and no matter what this is part of me. As Marisa said today part of your nature is you swing between extremes. She said what's good is you are recognizing what it means for yourself and checking in. Yes I do swing between extremes. It's simple to me in some ways, that was fun, made me feel good, was enjoyable, tasted good, so repeat. I used to do this mostly with sweets but now it's with going out.
In some ways it's like a delayed adolescence. I went out before but I was so painfully self conscious, insecure and counting down the seconds until I could escape it was not exactly the good times. Now feels so different. I feel less like I am looking at other people thinking I wish I was having fun like them I am having fun. It was never the company I was keeping, it was my head and my inability to separate from it. I also had a weird relationship with alcohol before. My father was an alcoholic and knowing my predisposition to addiction I avoided it. I would go out and get real drunk a few times a year and that was about it. I don't really keep alcohol in my house because it's not worth it to me, but I think I am figuring out the place it has in my life. I can have a glass of wine and still lose weight and be focused on my goals. In fact I notice when I am going out to dinner and know I might have a glass of wine I adjust my snack accordingly and skip dessert probably saving myself calories and fat in the long run. I can go out, and enjoy being present and not feeling held back by myself and not have the night end on my bathroom floor feeling super disgusted with myself.
The good thing about learning and connecting with yourself is you learn what to watch for. I know to keep an eye out. This past holiday weekend I was low key. I went out and thoroughly enjoyed a dance party with old friends and did not need to over indulge. I honored how I felt. I wanted to take a break from the drinking. I wanted to not be hungover the next day but make it to the gym and I stood by that. Checking in works not just for food, but anything you have to watch yourself with. I see this more and more. I do not have to stomp something out, I just have to watch it and ask myself how I feel about it and then act accordingly. It's not all or nothing, it's lets find a way to work together.