Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Do you feel good about this?

I have been on the partying streak. It's been fun but in typical Anna fashion I had to take it too far. The other weekend I went out and bypassed tipsy and got real drunk. I mean drunkity, drunk, drunk. Let me put it truly into perspective...I puked in the cab. That was a gross over share but I'm sorry had to be said.  As I lay on my bathroom floor thoroughly grossed out by myself I said, you feel good about this? Does this give you good self esteem? No it did not. Sunday I lazed around my apartment reflecting, and I realized just like so many other things I had taken a good thing too far. I am compulsive and have an addictive streak and no matter what this is part of me. As Marisa said today part of your nature is you swing between extremes. She said what's good is you are recognizing what it means for yourself and checking in.  Yes I do swing between extremes.  It's simple to me in some ways, that was fun, made me feel good, was enjoyable, tasted good, so repeat. I used to do this mostly with sweets but now it's with going out.

In some ways it's like a delayed adolescence. I went out before but I was so painfully self conscious, insecure and counting down the seconds until I could escape it was not exactly the good times. Now feels so different. I feel less like I am looking at other people thinking I wish I was having fun like them I am having fun. It was never the company I was keeping, it was my head and my inability to separate from it. I also had a weird relationship with alcohol before. My father was an alcoholic and knowing my predisposition to addiction I avoided it. I would go out and get real drunk a few times a year and that was about it. I don't really keep alcohol in my house because it's not worth it to me, but I think I am figuring out the place it has in my life. I can have a glass of wine and still lose weight and be focused on my goals. In fact I notice when I am going out to dinner and know I might have a glass of wine I adjust my snack accordingly and skip dessert probably saving myself calories and fat in the long run. I can go out, and enjoy being present and not feeling held back by myself and not have the night end on my bathroom floor feeling super disgusted with myself.

The good thing about learning and connecting with yourself is you learn what to watch for. I know to keep an eye out. This past holiday weekend I was low key. I went out and thoroughly enjoyed a dance party with old friends and did not need to over indulge. I honored how I felt. I wanted to take a break from the drinking. I wanted to not be hungover the next day but make it to the gym and I stood by that. Checking in works not just for food, but anything you have to watch yourself with. I see this more and more. I do not have to stomp something out, I just have to watch it and ask myself how I feel about it and then act accordingly. It's not all or nothing, it's lets find a way to work together.


  1. Anna,
    Another awesome post! I too have an alcoholic mother so I avoided most alcohol when I was in my teenage years. Currently I love my beer, but only drink it on occasion as it makes me bloat-y and feel gross.
    A few months ago I surrounded myself with less than stellar people and found myself going out to the bars on numerous occasions throughout the week. I was also not only paying for myself, but for them as well. Reflecting on this now I know that it was due to low self esteem, something that has changed quite substantially for me since then.
    My low point? Passing out in the bathroom stall at a club because I was tired, not because I needed to vomit. Then I went to a friends house and vomited all over their bed, and in my hair. I couldn't stand up and needed help getting bathed. The next morning I realized I lost my phone and 40$. Karma is a bitch, and she told me straight up that I needed to change.
    I think that reflection is a vital part to every aspect of our lives. That is the only way we can truly learn and grow from our experiences. Whether we reflect on our addictions (food included), exercise habits, friends, social gatherings or our career choices we are constantly evaluating our lives and striving to be the best that we can be!

  2. Thanks Amie. I think some times you have to low self esteem out to grow or see that you have grown. You have to be around crappy people, in crappy situations to realize nope this is not what I want, deserve or need. I try to dwell on it less and just take it for what it is a lesson and move on. I to have tangoed with the questionable peeps and paying their way to. I figure it was a small price to pay to be hugely wiser for it. Reflection though it can be tough and cringe inducing is definitely a must for growing. Lucky us for having a place on the interweb to have it documented haha :)