For someone who has struggled with boundaries I strangely like rules. I like the way they give an illusion of control or guidance. You can cling to them for some sort of order. I used to also have this inner voice of rules. Lately it's been pretty quiet and it got me thinking about how it even came to be to begin with.
I think I told myself it was the voice of different things according to the situation. Society, my mom, my family, my job, whatever was called for. What would they think? There was always this imagined sense of reaction, or affect. I did not always define it. It was the every present yet highly illusive they. You know what? I no longer care what they think, mostly because they do not exist. It's manufactured by us. Everyone is way to wrapped in their own lives to care half as much as any of us think they do about our lives and decisions. If they do care as much as we imagine then it's still not our problem unless we are making it so.
There is a difference in being considerate, aware of others, and not a punk and being hugely aggressive in your needs and living. I used to get so turned off by people who were very aggressive in declaring their needs, or disregarding how their decisions affect others. It's easy to show no regard for others, it's hard to find a balance between consideration and honoring yourself. It's tough to find a balance but not impossible. It does not have to be aggressive, or passive, it can just be. I saw Marisa on Tuesday and we talked about this, funnily enough she had neon pink nail polish. I mean 80's throwback neon pink. I thought it was awesome, she said people had really reacted to it. We started talking about this. I think we use the illusive they to give ourselves an out. To stay safe in our decision making. What would they think? I like Marisa for lots and lots of reasons, but I love that she had neon pink nail polish on. To me this little action says a lot.
I started thinking about this when I did not go home with Rico Suave. Before I would have not gone home with him because what would they think. Now I did not go home with because I did not want to. It was fun for a night, but I knew the next morning I would be left with me and my decision and it would not work for me. They do not have to live with the consequences you do. I find also they who judge are living scared. It's a lot easier to constrain yourself and actions because of a fear that is not substantiated then to actually take a risk. I regret far less what I have actually done. I regret a whole lot more what I was too afraid to do. Mostly I regret the years I spent not living for various reasons. I was so wrapped up in what I was supposed to be and not what I actually was. Knowing and being okay with who I am lets me care above and beyond anything else what I think and what I feel is right for me. No one else really knows that but me. They surely don't. It's actually a lot less scary then worrying what faceless, or nameless people think. At the end of the day very rarely will we actually know what someone thinks so why live worrying about it, or let it affect your decisions? You'll never completely know if you guessed right and you might have missed out on something that could have been awesome like neon pink nail polish that would make you happy. You have to look at your nails all day. They don't.