Monday, June 6, 2011

Learning from the Past

My mom has been contemplating selling her home in Atlanta and moving up here full time. She rented a house in the country to see if this was even remotely feasible. This means my brother and I were summoned to the country. The country is lovely, my mom enjoyable, my brother however is tedious. I love him I really do, but he is trying. What I have learned though is to keep my mouth shut. There is not point in engaging. He talks incessantly about himself, what he wants to get, buy, do, how he's furthering himself. He is so smug, arrogant, and contradictory. The best part is most of this is done high.

He speaks about people who show a lack of consideration for other people, and he knows I do not smoke pot but does not think to ask would I mind being trapped in a car smelling it for 2 hours, or do I want someone who is compromised driving me? No, these things do not occur to him. He has grown and matured a lot but really in my opinion he has a lack of self awareness and willingness to even contemplate it. He is so defensive, sensitive, and just on edge. Where this comes from I do not know. He wants to blame my mom and I, and we have totally contributed but more then anything I think he just has a lack of self esteem and an undercurrent of unresolved anger. He over compensates by being a know it all, bravado, and arrogance. He can never just relax but has to pontificate on what anyone says, offer every bit of knowledge he has on it, or play a game of top that. I think he would like to engage more with people, draw them in, have more friends, and have more rewarding relationships. I think he thinks he is sharing himself. He actually drove me to drink. Wine time came earlier and earlier. Part of that was my mom was bored and would move it up. The other part is I have to draw inward. I can not be myself around my brother. It's his way or take the risk of his temper tantrums. He was initially grumpy because he was recovering from a cold so he was put out, then it was smoke up and commence the bro show, I kid you not it was about 1 hour and 50 minutes of the bro show. I don't really care because when I do share he tries to "explain" my life, friends, and issues to me which is a really good way to rile me up. I avoid it. Better to keep to neutral topics or his favorites ones centered around himself.

He is also incredibly competetive. How do you not compete? You do not play the game. I choose to not play this game. It's boring, no one really wins, and why are we competing anyway. I think he is still hung up on seeking approvals that are not for me or my mom to dole out. He needs to approve himself, like himself and live his life on his own terms. He speaks to this, but he really wants everyone to think whatever he's doing is the best thing ever. There is still an element in seeking applause for doing what commonly goes unnoticed in adult life.

I am glad I am learning. I have to pull back and just retreat and protect me. I can not fix him. He is not open to it. He is not my responsibility. I did not want to have the same fights of years past. I did not want to be reduced to teenage squabbles. I wanted to enjoy the country it was too pretty not to.

I also want to have a relationship with my brother and constantly giving him negative feedback which is what I pretty much would be doing at this moment in time is not a good idea. He just lashes out and I don't need it.

The house was built in the 1700's. Beautiful but a little musty.

Puppy of the Manor

A canopy bed! My floral tote blends in. Lady camo.

As for the country...I very much liked it. Samara, I got this bottle of vintage beads and stuff to make friendship bracelets with for $6 that I am too excited to dive into. My dog loved having a yard to play in. I enjoyed spending time with my mom and walking the country side and around the table at night we had some good laughs. What was reinforced to me is someone's elses struggles impact you as much as you let them. I could have let my brother ruin it, or could have contributed to the ruining by engaging in a way I know is not good, but I didn't. He has his own stuff to work out, and I have my own skills to use. We'll figure it out, we always do there's no need to complicate it further with more arguments to rehash even if he did taunt me with a king size reese's peanut butter egg, and try to describe me as large.

1 comment:

  1. "Someone else's struggles impact you as much as you let them" = best lesson ever, and one I'm definitely still learning.

    P.S. I want to see these friendships bracelets, lady!