Captain's Log

We survived. I have never been more sick of peanut butter in my life but it did see me through. Did you know that showering by candlelight is strangely soothing? It's also a way to feel like such a loser. I mean doing anything sorta romantic alone is like oh geez how did I end up here? I have no heat though but did have hot water and was beyond gross. A hurricane is no excuse for Josey Grossy behavior.

In other news I received a card from my mom ending the cold war. It had knives on the front. Freudian card selection slip much? She has power and hot water and I think I might be willing to potentially walk into another perfect storm for it. I spoke to her today and she was practically leaping for joy at a potential reunion. I hate being in such a weakened position, but maybe it won't be so bad. She did manage to annoy me pretty quickly. She's booked some sort of three bedroom'ed cottage in California for us to bond and heal in over Christmas. I'm like I just do not think that is a good idea. She's like well you mentioned going there. Right, I did, ALONE. There's a key factor in that. A very significant note. I cannot obsess about it too much currently.

Priorities, a real shower, with very hot water. Getting the pup to chemo. Her nodes have been doing okay, not great, but then her platelet count dropped and she had to pass on chemo. She needs a top up this week but no one has power below about 38th street so I am doubting they are dealing with chemo currently. Considering their phone isn't even working I am pretty sure this is not happening.

Friday however I am Knicks bound. No hurricane is going to keep that from happening. Nope.

Any East Coasters, I hope you are safe, powered up, and warm.

the hurricane ate a building a block away from me

seriously, I pappoosed up the pup when I heard this go down. 

Not My First Rodeo

Thanks to the whimper that was Irene. I have a little knowledge coming into Hurricane Sandy. My survival plan involves a lot of vanilla seltzer, peanut butter and a fully charged ipad.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Who Cares

My therapist keeps calling me out on the fact that I am not really dating and not really putting myself out there. She is not wrong and I no longer try to deny it. Ahhh therapy, expensive honesty. I still maintain not one but two on-line dating profiles but I do next to nothing about it. Recently however I have been making teeny tiny steps forward. So far these steps forward have not been rewarded by some huge jump in male interest, much like eating celery sticks for two snacks will not result in a ten pound weight loss. Interesting how our mindsets are always with us no matter what the topic at hand is...

So on to these teeny tiny steps. Step number one, I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner and trying to hail a cab. A guy on a bike stopped me and proceeded to gush at me telling me how gorgeous he thought I was, and was there anyway I was single and could he possibly take me to coffee. At first he made me wildly uncomfortable. He described me as hot, and I immediately wanted to be like nuh huh. You are wrong sir. Instead I laughed because he was kinda awkward, and nerdy, he started selling himself, my name's Mark, I'm a photographer, uhm I've been in NY for 6 months and it was endearing. Finally I said you know what I'll give you my number. He was very surprised I agreed and so was I but hey I complain with the on-line dating that guys are going to meet me and say I'm too fat, here right before me is a guy asking to go out with me, just give him your number. I finally said I have to get into a cab, he started to get a little too much and I told him to quit while he was ahead, and he said I am going to call you tomorrow. I headed off to dinner feeling like a million bucks. He however never called. I obsessed for a hot second thinking about it, maybe I put my number in wrong, maybe he got blackout drunk that night and forgot, maybe, maybe, maybe, but what I did not lose sight of is I did something I do not usually do and that matters to me. That helps me, and who cares about him. 

Teeny tiny step number two, a dude on the interwebz indicated some interest so I messaged him. He messaged back, I messaged again and now he's gone silent. I have no idea why, but I know this it's not about me because well he's never met me. I quit standing up against the proverbial wall and put myself out there and guess what...It didn't actually kill me despite what I think. 

Step three a guy friend of mine is sort of shifting our relationship. I cannot tell if he's interested or what but he's behaving differently. Way more attentive, he's called me and who calls anymore, and been very insistent on plans. He's A LOT younger then me, like so much younger I cannot bare to type it out. Instead of immediately smacking it down, or ignoring the whole damn thing I made plans with him. I don't know what's going on, and I could attempt to negatively fortune tell but why not just go with it and see what happens. He's attractive, smart and kind and the only guy who's ever cooked me dinner so there are about a million things that would be worse then him being interested in me. Scratch that there are probably a bajillion. 

 Taking lil steps forward help me feel more confident and less like I am sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked. None have really gone anywhere, ended with anything, if the where and the thing is a guy. Sitting on the shelf waiting to be picked is some dangerous territory though. It implies you are complacent in your decisions, and maybe not happy in your life. I live my life and I like it. Sharing it with someone scares me but just sitting around and waiting for some guy to come along and just see how awesome I am is ridiculous and scares me more. I mean I know I'm awesome, but it's probably best demonstrated and not living in my head like a teen movie even though I am pretty sure life works like Easy A or She's All That. 

For Shame or Not

There's been more in the media lately regarding fat shaming, weight acceptance, and how we discuss weight. Not terribly surprisingly I have read a lot of this and mulled it over. I feel like we're in some new territory where the conversation is changing regarding weight. I like where most people are netting out in that if you're overweight you do not have to defend it. Your body, your business, your choice, fat, thin and everything in between. You do not have to make a case for even though you're overweight you're healthy, or why you like your curves, you can just be, because well it's no one's business but your own. I like this, but find it very new somewhat forbidden territory. It's okay to admit you like your body the way it is? To not defend it? To say I like my belly, or my thighs and not say what I am doing to change them or gasp defend it? Interesting...tell me more. 

You may or may not have heard of a blogger, Stella Boonshoft of the Body Love Blog who was photographed by Brandon Staunton of the Human's of New York blog/facebook page, she assumed he was going to put up the photo of her he took. He didn't. He pulled a photo of her from her blog in her bra and underwear, you can read more about it here. I could talk about how ick I think that territory is but I won't. Yes, she did publish that photo of herself, but it was on her blog and he did not ask for permission to use it, however what was pretty cool is that people responded overwhelmingly positive. She discussed the experience very candidly and her blog is very interesting. She uses the word fat a lot. I have mixed feelings about that, but why do I feel the need to rush in and say you're not fat, almost as reflex I do not question. What does it matter what I think? Her body is for her to define, just like mine is for me. If she feels empowered by the word fat well then more power to her. That is her choice, and she can describe herself anyway she sees fit. My opinion of her body is meaningless. 

Mulling over all this I realize that recently I dislike my body a lot less these days and that it's weird for me. It's weird to catch glimpses, my reflection, a shadow, vague watery representations of myself and think yeah I'm not mad at that. Not only am I not mad at it, I might actually like it. This especially has been happening with my hips. Lately I don't hate them. Lately I kind of really like them and choose to enjoy that they make me feel feminine, and unique. I just cannot be bothered to hate them anymore, and it's less because I have directed my energy elsewhere and more because I don't. I can like how I look right now while working to be somewhere else. I can like having hips and while I do want to continue losing weight not work to eliminate them. These are my decisions to make, and I can enjoy where I am not and not apologize for it. 

My body will continue to evolve through, age, weight loss, hopefully kiddos one day and it would be a shame to overlook what different times bring. It would be a shame to be too busy apologizing for what I am, or what I am not then to not just stop and enjoy it. I may not have these hips forever, I could contract some sort of hip eating virus and have a different build, might as well vamp it up while the hip getting is good. 

10 Reasons I May Need To Re-Evaluate My Life

A few recent occurrences have had me thinking maybe I need to do some thinking and perhaps redirect the ship.



1. My newfound addiction to pet shaming. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Please see below and try not to wheeze, cry, laugh through the buzzfeed one:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/virginmobilelive/20-publicly-shamed-animal-twitpics-5l87

Anyone or anything that likes to roll around on pickles is fine by me. 

2. I am totally exhausted today, like thought about calling out of work tired, which means I don't get paid by the way, not because I was out so late partying it up high on Fiona Apple, no because I stayed up late reading another one of the ridiculous books I'm obsessed with.

3. I found myself yelling, out loud, " Cancer is not an excuse for pooping on the rug Dumplin' Elizabeth!" not only was I yelling that, but I am 99.9% sure my neighbor heard it based on the look he gave me when I was throwing out the recycling. So now I am a horrible person for yelling at a cancer patient and my rug has poop on it.

4.

This is my proposed Halloween costume because while I cannot be positive I am 99.9% sure she is both my real mom and spirit animal.

5. I went to a grocery store trying to track down diced green chilis and it's  exclusively vegetarian which I did not realize. Actually it's not only veggie but the oldest and only exclusively vegetarian store in NYC.  I felt pretty rebellious and thrilled I have no less then 4 different types of meat on me when I discovered this while walking around. I thought the meat police might get me. #lamemeatrebel

6. Momz is still icing me out. This both amuses and frustrates the bejesus out of me. I mean really? Of all the standoffs I want to be in this is not one. Anna isolating people since 1980. 

7.  A friend in LA gave me a ring at 10:47pm and hung up after one ring because she realized it was late. I called her back and was all don't worry I'm up even though I was in bed, in the dark, reading by the light of my ipad. Did you know an ipad is bright enough to light your way to the kitchen for a lil spot of granola nosh while you read?

8. A friend sent me an email with the subject line 3:30pm on a Wednesday and the email said you're welcome and had a link to the below. I am not sure what gives me more pause, the absolute pure delight this video brings me or that someone would know that it would. 

9. I had a full scale toddler-esque meltdown when this girl at work bought the same pants as me. I loathe copycatting, LOATHE IT. So not only did she buy the same pants as me but she was like oh I bought the pants, I said huh, she goes the polka dot pants. I said cool, trying to cover up my annoyance at accidentally starting a polka dot pants club. Then today she comes in with the pants on and says what do you think, cool huh, do you like them. I said yes, that's why I bought them. I am a polka dot b, and not only that they're from old navy....hardly exclusive. Someone else please tell me you hate copycatting so I feel less like a petty baby. Lets ignore how unflattering this photo of them is, and how at work I should be working not propping my legs up to send someone a pic of my polka dot pants. 

10. I picked all the dark chocolate covered almonds out of trail mix given to me at a meeting then offered to share when it was just the lame stuff in the mix. So now I am hoarding snacks, and not sharing well with others. 

1996 Revisit

1996 was not one of my finest years and yet it seems like I slept through it. My father died in 1996 I was 16, and became obsessed with Fiona Apple. I graduated from Tori Amos understanding my feelings and expressing them better via music to someone who was angrier, and not afraid to sing about it. Musically and definitely life wise it felt like a new chapter for me.

I must have listened to Sullen Girl a million times. I would fall asleep listening to Tidal. It was one of the few things that brought me comfort. My friends didn't get it some were total jerks, and others tried to be kind, but none understood the weird place I was frozen in. I was heartbroken but not emotive. I spoke at his funeral and didn't cry. I went to school and while people waited for me to cry or show something I didn't. A friend approached me once about three months after it happend and said I see you out, I see you smile, or laugh but I wonder what's really going on up here, or here pointing to my head and heart. I barely spoke to her after that. It was scary someone saw past the mask that I was working so hard to maintain. No one really wanted to hear that my heart was so broken I felt a physical pain. That I had nightmares almost every night. That my mom was hanging on by a very thin thread and my brother was so angry and depressed he was like someone auditioning for the role of angry teenager in a lifetime movie. No one wanted to hear it, and I certainly did not want to say it out loud. I was living it, I felt like in order to survive it I just had to get through it, but I certainly did not have to share it. Numb became my safest and most treasured state. I just sort of floated through my days trying to get through and exist and then at night I would be somewhat free for a while to free something before sleeping.

I remain a Fiona Apple fan. I have listened to all of her albums, they have had different roles in my life soundtrack. Now I think it resonates with me less, but I enjoy it more. It gets to be music instead of catharsis. Experiences changing, it's need and place has evolved. I still think back to when my first love totally broken my heart and how much I wanted to go have coffee with her because clearly she understood my exact situation based on Love Ridden. That was college, I was almost 20 and in some ways that heartbreak started another chapter. One where I wasn't wasting my time trying to impress him or be seen by him. I started worry less about what he thought and more about what I did. That being said I could be totally wrong because in the song Left Alone of the most recent album she sings, "How can I ask anyone to love me, when all I do is beg to be left alone?" Hmmm...this may just may be relevant to my present day because a boyfriend would really cut into my alone time and mature young adult reading. 

I didn't decide to just go on a Fiona Apple tangent though. I am seeing her tonight and both anxious and excited. I am excited to see her live because I never have, but I am curious to see if I lose my shit. Regardless of how much I have tried to lock away how I feel, suppress, or deny it music has generally made that an impossibility. Aurora better get ready to have a hot mess on her hands, and I better put on some waterproof mascara. 

Maybe I Should Wear More Green

Jealousy is not something I wrestle with a lot. When I do it's pretty fleeting and related to an outfit or something else pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I think sometimes that's why when I experience jealousy it's a big ole heaping dose of it. I also think some of my own inner arrogance protects me. Me? Be jealous of her? Puhlease. We all do things we're not proud of.

What the eff am I talking about? Well there's a girl who goes to my gym who's a friend of a friend and I just cannot be friends with her. She is perfectly lovely, and nice, and seeks me out, but I am just too damn jealous of her. She's 22 or 23, and the age yes does irk me a little bit, and so does her banging body and the fact that she's really effortlessly pretty but so are lots of women and I have no issue with that. She makes me super insecure, and jealous. So what do I do? I avoid her. I make pleasant chit chat and then skedaddle as quick as I can. 

I am seriously curious though as to why this girl just irks me so much. Is it her confidence, she has loads without being gross, or the ease she sort of goes about life, or that fact that she seems super humble, or that things seem to come easier to her? Since we share a mutual friend I have some insights into her life and know things have not been easy for her and as an outsider I should not be so quick to judge and assume her looks get her a free ride in life. I know they don't yet still that gross voice in me says hmmph.

Poor girl I wonder if some lady jealousy I should be spreading around I just heap on her. I think I just wish my 20's had been more like hers? Weird since I don't really know what her life is like. I just know my perception and it's definitely skewed. I hate feeling jealous though, because it makes me feel small and petty and that's just lame. Someone else's greatness is not your flaw or mean you're less then, this I know yet I still can barely manage more then a 10 minute conversation. One day....One day I will be able to not just be kermit'ing out and green with envy. 

Eeee-moh-Shuns

A friend of mine is going through a break up and he is seriously heartbreak hotel. It's interesting though because the break up has kicked up some soul searching for him outside of heartbreak. I give him a lot of credit for the way he's looking at himself. I sure as shit know it's not easy.

 It's also exposed me to a different side of him. As much as he says I thought I was guarded before but oh man am I now, there's a wall, with cinder blocks, and barbed wire and alligators surrounding it now. I disagree. He's shared more with me about himself, his thoughts, and feelings then he has in years of friendship and not just the mushy heart stuff, but everything.

Anywayz he told me about this TED talk on vulnerability, and I covered up my shock at a dude telling me about it and made a note to watch. Then I did after I got home still mulling over lots we had discussed, and then I proceeded to watch it again, and again and then tell everyone I know about it. That's just how I roll. I get hopped up on something and think I'll just burst if everyone I know doesn't know about it. This is good and bad because a lot of people now know how good salted dark chocolate  is. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

Watch and then lets meet back to discuss, and BREAK!

Question....

Can I go out with a guy who's profile name is fish taco? I think no. Call me ridiculous, (why yes I am ) but ewww. On top of the eww, is not bothering to type out the word you, saying cute pics twice, once in a manner that makes me think you got confused and thought you were messaging someone else and in general your messages make me squirm. Not in a good way. I guess I am not totally hard up yet, or hit fish taco rock bottom.

Bars Wars

Not the good kinda of bars, or maybe they are I dunno. The work fridge situation is a little sketchy. I fear snack thievery and well it's kinda gross. This makes snacks a challenge because a lot of my preferred snacks need some cooling. Apples are my go to, but they need a friend to be a perfect snack. This has lead me into the world of bars. I have gone off and on with bars. Some are too much like candy, some I want 2-3 of, some are just too high in calories but not satisfying if I only eat half, but they are just too easy peasy to keep on you to rule out. Enter the bar wars. Below is what I have been turned on to lately. I love you are all writhing in jealousy at how exciting my life is. 

These are a great eat with something else and keep in your bag snack. I prefer the choc/pb to the coconut flavor. 

So good I almost do not want to tell you about it. Falls apart though, and clocks in on the higher calorie side with 200. I pinch of a lil bit to not finish so I can try to keep it to 150 calories. 

Seriously look at all the blueberry goodness in there. 

Delish but not as good as the blueberry. 

borderline gross and please nutrition for women? Leave my lady parts out of it. 

Not too shabby, but prefer the chocolate pb flavor. 

Some Goal Talk & A Giveaway

I've been thinking about goals a lot recently. I've come to the conclusion that vague and somewhat abstract goals do not serve me well. The ever present just "lose weight" is not helpful, or motivating. Sure, I still want and need to lose weight to be healthy but it's not the primary goal. That's selling myself and my goal achieving way too short.

That being said what are my goals? I've been thinking about them a lot and for the medium term because they are somewhere between short and long term these are what I am going to focus on.

1. Consistent food journal'ing. I am on week 3 of everything being written down again. While I loathe it I have been snacking less, and checked in more.

2. Increased awareness in drinking behavior. Not so all or nothing. The boozy mcgee weeks really hamper my goals. Aiming for no more then 4 drinks a week, preferably on 2 occasions, but less weeks where it gets away from me and before I know I've been boozing it up 4 days that week.

3. Lose 10 pounds. I am breaking down the remaining weight into 10 pounds increments. I also want to lose 10 pounds to get out of the weight loss cul-de-sac I've been in. A hard 10 pounds and then worry about the next 10 pounds with no creep back upwards.

4. Take some pants/dresses/skirt risks. I live in black and dark denim pants and I am NEVER going to get over my leg insecurities if I keep enabling them. I don't have to wear bright yellow, but geez some variation would be nice.

5. No work vending machine visits. Seriously. It never ends well or leads anywhere positive.

6. Work on mindless snacking. I have three key issues that hamper my weight loss. Mindless snacking, inconsistencies with alcohol, and lack of food journal'ing. I want to work on all three, just being more aware of how they trip me up.

7. Work out 2 mornings a week to allow for more evening fun time. I am working out with Jesse Friday mornings so I just need to work in one more morning. So far this has not happened minus Jesse mornings.

I am going to focus on these in the month of October, check in weekly and see what's cooking. If I keep to it all month then I shall reward myself with the below gem from Madewell.

I am not a Selfish Sally though, tell me your October goals and then check back in and let me know how you're doing and November 1st someone will get a Madewell gift certificate. Sharing is caring.
I don't love challenges but I do love peeps sharing what they're working on, and giveaways so that's more what I'm looking to do.

photo from madewell.com and no I won't sport white boots with it. 

Pick either of these two items and we could be twinsies!

I love pony and horse tops. It's a sickness. 

Samara, I know you are not even the tiniest bit surprised I bought this. 

I would love this grey with some neon sweet bow sweater, but alas I cannot win my own giveaway. 

A Charming Walk

                                            For the record would definitely take a walk with Jill Scott


I love charm. I am sucker for it. Charming men. Charm bracelets. Lucky charms. Alright you get it. I got a message on the interwebz from one of the more charming and normie guys I have heard from in a while. He did not immediately leap to anything gross, or make me think he might chopping people into bits as one of his hobbies. Things are looking up.

So I have two problems here, one dumb one larger. The dumb one, his offer to hang out...a nice fall walk around a park. Seriously, someone clue me into what the walk trend is?! Some friends have been like whatever that's not a real date they should man up and take you on a date. I was not even going there. I mean I had not even delved into it representing the date level value I am being assigned. Great. Awesome. Another thing to analyze. I am just hung up on why just about every single dude I encounter lately puts that out there.

My second problem and this is the one that's an actual problem is I am so seriously afraid of dating. I know I went on my lil dating binge a ways back but I was not actually interested in most of the guys so I get a half credit. I am REALLY trying to break through some personal bullshit and make myself put myself out there. Easier said then done. It's like having better body image. Easy to say, REALLY hard to practice. I would like more then anything for a guy I respect, and who's opinion I value to accept me for who I am but I am highly skeptical of this. It doesn't help that my history supports more of my side then another one. I have never had a healthy relationship, and my familial male relationships were conditional and far from accepting. I am trying to move past it and the more I try to move forward the more I see I need to address.

I want it to be my weight. I say to people the guys I want to date want a girl 20-30 pounds lighter then me. There is probably a teeny tiny amount of truth to that. I mean lets say out of 10 dudes I would be interested in maybe 1 would feel that way. Who knows but I think it's far less then I think it is and not the given I make it. I default to my body and hiding behind it because it's what I know, it's a safe and comfortable place for me. I do that well. I do not really want to actually see that the walls I built up very young to keep myself from really being with someone are a little more shored up then I'd like.

I read an article recently if you want to date someone great be someone great. I think overall I am pretty great, and being great has very little to do with what you look like or what you weigh. I also do not ask of anyone anything I am not willing to offer myself. I do not care if you have a six pack, make a bajiliion dollars, or speak 7 languages. Cool if you do, but I do not have a checklist for a fantasy person. Why do I assume any and all guys I meet have one and more importantly why do I assume I am not getting checks?  I guess more then anything I worry more about my own issues and insecurities being reinforced instead of being proved wrong. I would love to be wrong. In fact I am banking on it.

The first step is seeing that the walls, issues, and irrational cray. The second step, messaging the guy back which I did. We'll see. One foot in front of the other.

Tip of the Petite Chapeau and a Curtsy

A friend of mine on the facebook posted a link to this. A friend I wouldn't expect to but whatever that's a story for another day, and yes it did make me like him more.

Wow. Meet my new lady hero. She's amazing. Jennifer Livingston I heart the bejesus out of you.

If you're going to criticize a woman's weight ( first dummy mistake) I would make sure she does not have a VERY public and forum to discuss it on, unless you are 100% a-okay with the world knowing you're the type of person who just takes it upon themselves to criticize someone's weight. 

http://www.upworthy.com/bully-calls-news-anchor-fat-news-anchor-destroys-him-on-live-tv?g=3

What do I love about this, well let me count the ways:

1. She does not defend her weight. She does not have to. No one's business but her own. 

2. She calls the person a bully which they are and points out how they are reinforcing what is going wrong with kids today regarding bullying. 

3. She stood up for herself in an beautifully articulate way not apologizing for her weight. 

4. She reinforces and sends the message to anyone struggling with their weight you are more then it. Which we all are and can always use a top up in being reminded of. 

5. She admitted while having thick skin being in the public eye the words hurt. Words do hurt and peeps got to be reminded that the internet removing some of the person to person interaction does not remove the sting of hurtful words. Hurtful is hurtful.