Saturday, June 30, 2012

What I am Trying to do

This week I was lucky enough to get to have a yoga lesson with Olivia and dinner afterwards. I love Olivia and I have missed her so much. She lives in Boston and when she has been in NYC our schedules have just not jibed.

Tuesday night the planets aligned and I got my yoga on. It felt amazing to get a good stretch in. I also have been having such body negative thoughts lately that yoga was a good thing. The timing was good. Olivia also shares a similar interest in body image, what shapes it, what causes the struggles all that stuff. We often talk about it. I think we agree that when you don't just want to say super syrupy things to yourself like you're perfect and beautiful and it doesn't work for us. What is the in between then? I talked about this with Marisa as well and she mentioned that I am hyper focusing on my body much like I use food to not think about something else. Hmmmm...this does ring a bit true. I have some thoughts on what I might be avoiding. You know the whole what am I doing with my life thing...but Olivia and I were talking and she said something I thought was brilliant. She said when I look in the mirror I make myself see something positive, I make myself see someone who is thin. For the record Olivia is thin so this would not be an unrealistic sight to see. I 100% understand why she might not.

I started noticing post-surgery I got REALLY critical of myself. Maybe the timing was coincidental maybe not. I just know I started to get really harsh and mean to myself. I think a lot of women are guilty of saying if I could just have this, I would be happy. I know I have. I used to say if my arms were fixed I would be happy. If I did not have the wings I would be content and ask nothing else. What bullshit. Complete, total and utter BS. No one thing is ever going to fix it. I started criticizing my arm pit fat, I started grabbing anything I could and giving a big ughhhhhh over it. Uhm, hey Anna what's up? Why the not just crappy attitude but really hyper critical one? Bodies are not perfect. There is no such thing. I get this yet when I am not sure what to focus on, or how to deal with something I start making the pursuit of physical perfection my focus. I mean I am totally focused on that while making late night english muffins with butter spray and jelly. That's helpful. 

I am learning though if you choose to be you are never done. Your body is never perfect. You may never love each and every thing about it. That is okay. I give myself permission to not love it all, but I do have to not be mean to it. I do not however give myself permission to take out my fears, stresses and frustrations on it. I am choosing to see something positive in the mirror. I am choosing to see I am not perfect, never will be, and that is okay. In saying all that when I got ready to work out with Egon today this morning I thought well looky here I like what I see so I snapped a pic for when I don't. I may not be the size I want, the weight, or have the svelte arm pits I desire but I look strong, healthy, and ready to go work out. I am a-okay with that. 

it's boxing time 

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