Thursday, June 21, 2012

A Petite Bootcamp

I had my first training session with Egon last night and was pretty pleased with how my strength has stayed intact. That being said I tried to throw my arms up in an exercise we normally do and almost passed out. The arms still do not wish to do that.

I was talking to him about my current frustrations. Feeling self pressured about not being where I want to be yet, and having a hard time defining what live-able healthy is for me are the two big ones. I think a big thing I am struggling with is on some level I thought the arm surgery was going to change my life. I know that sounds a little nuts, and at first post surgery I seriously thought I could take over the world or at least a petite country. Now the euphoria is fading and I am seeing I am still me. I am still the same person, same problems, same struggles, just now without my wings. The instant confidence boost is no longer. If anything I feel worse then before and as big as when I started this whole weight loss process. It's been a weird body dysmorphic head trip.

The wings removal had always symbolized the end to me. When I could do that this process was over. The hardest truth I still struggle to face is it is never over. I look to events, weddings, vacations, holidays as motivators to stay on track. I set milestones, when I get to this size, get this done, or whatever, but what I still try to escape accepting is I have signed up for this the rest of my life. Being healthy is a day to day commitment. It is doing what is a healthy choice for yourself every single day in many areas of life. I get one down, going to be bed earlier or exercising regularly just for another to struggle and slide down in importance. I have still not learned how to juggle in a long term fashion.

All that being said and these realizations swirling around Egon proposed shaking things up. He said how about I write you a program to help you get as buff as you can for this wedding. I appreciated the offer and the help. He said it's 24 days, you can do it, and it might help with some of the mental stuff because I explained how much I was cracking under this self pressure to lose weight quickly. He wants me at the gym every day, doing some strength training on my own, eating cleanly and drinking only one day a week. All of that is pretty reasonable. He said obviously if you need a rest day take it, but my preference would be activity every day. He said it's just for the remaining 24 days it's not for your life, that would never be realistic or healthy long term. He also wanted no drinking at all but I balked at that explaining if you forbid it I will want it. If you allow it I will probably choose not to have it. He agreed to that and modified the plan.

I liked how he said this is a jump start and quick fix to some of what you have going on to prevent self sabotage and I am not suggesting it's how you should be living. Do I love the idea of working out every day? Not really. Do I love the idea of having something healthy to help me feel stronger when I do not and help me prioritize myself and what I want when feeling a little shaky about that? Absolutely. I would rather be at the gym, or going to bed early to get to the gym, and investing in myself then avoiding the issue at happy hour.

I want to use this time to see if avoiding alcohol and food helps me sort through some of the emotional swirl that I am currently unable to articulate. Clearing out some of the suppressors might help me with whatever still fuels and drives this stuff. Anytime I take some of that away I gain clarity. I need more clarity right now and that certainly can not be found with food or booze. That much I do have sorted out.

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