Week Three Whimper

Not gonna lie, week three was a bit of a bust. I was sickie most of the week, thoroughly exhausted and struggling. It's one thing to know intellectually your energy may dip, you might not feel the greatest   , but I still found myself surprised. I was like uhmmmm no, see I am doing a 12 week thing and I need my body to work.

I still worked out, and puttered along. Jesse was also sick so we only trained once. I also ate some feelings. I was craving sweets in an almost desperate, frantic way. Looking to self soothe much? I have an old friend struggling in her life, my ex called me, the date never called and I was left stirred. I'll be honest I was bummed. I was bummed to never hear from him and to be struggling to tell myself that it wasn't because I'm too fat. I hate that I default there. While I do go there and may always do that, I do not linger there. I hate when I just feel blue. I want there to be a specific reason so I can address it and move on. I think there were contributing factors but I kind of wanted to crawl into bed and never get out all week and some weeks that's just how it goes.

 Into the weekend I was feeling better and picking myself back up emotionally. Friday I was a little tempted to go out but knew what I really wanted since I was super grumpy, tired, and sniffly was to stay in. Saturday.....I was a waste of human life. I slept until a truly gross hour. Why does sleeping super late give you low self esteem? I missed yoga, and didn't even make it to the gym. I did however clean my apartment, and get other things done. Had a lovely dinner with my mom, where I just enjoyed her company laughed with her, enjoyed some mussels, and relaxed. Afterwards met up with lovely Aussies who are such partypants. I love Aussies. Seriously, all of you. I want to know though do you have 2 livers? Dear lord. I kept it cool, but got home late.

Sunday Funday beckoned! I had a crazy and long Sunday. I was up and on the move early. A friend  needed a favor, a shower more specifically. We met at my gym, caught up, got her checked in, and so on, and it ate into my workout. I did manage 20 mins of high intensity. I mean something is better is nothing right?  Then I was off to brunch to meet a lot of friend's of a friend. I was a little nervous....new people eeeeeek! I was proud of myself that I did not partake in the champagne and prosecco. We were Knicks game bound that night and I don't day drink well. I bonded with the hostess, eating nutella from the jar with a spoon. She's like we're friends now, here's a spoon and feel free to double dip. My kinda girl.

This week has been back to regularly scheduled programming. More on that later. Tonight I am off to see Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, and wore a dress, like a real lady girl with no jeggings underneath. There may be hope for me yet....

Real lady girl outfit for the theater. 

Week Two

Week two went pretty well. I pulled myself up on Sunday after quite the booze up weekend. No punishment, and no backsliding out of defeat. I got back on track eating well the rest of the day and prepping for the week ahead.

I definitely felt a little more worn out, but I also had some work stress cooking that was contributing. I also started soaking in epsom salts every night to ward off sore muscles. I started looking forward to my evening bath even if it made me feel like a 90 year old. I worked out one morning, I kept to the days I needed to double up cardio with something else like yoga, got my strength training in, and lucked out one night when a friend was at the gym. We chatted and I got 45 minutes of bike time in. 

I keep waiting for the the other shoe to drop. I keep waiting for myself to be like oh eff it this is too much work but I don't feel that way. It's not too much work. I also feel pretty great if I'm honest about it. I have more energy, I am sleeping well, I don't feel deprived, or like I am dieting. I had a cheeseburger this weekend, I gave myself Friday night, and Sunday off. Today I saw Jesse, and got some strength training and boxing in. Friday I also ate a ton of chocolate someone sent to the office and ughhhhh I felt awful. It just threw me totally off. Lesson learned I just cannot stomach the sugar the way I think I can. I also have a sneaking suspicion that I got a little crazy with it since the weigh in went down that morning. 

I had a date today....that went pretty well and I think having been working hard on my goals helped me feel more confident and relaxed. I mean don't get me wrong. I was totally nervous and had to skip lunch because I just couldn't stomach it which was not the wisest thing I've ever done. By the time I was heading home he looked like a chatty hot dog. I did however feel just better about myself. I mean I've lost 3 pounds so it's not the weight loss that put a bounce in my step but feeling clear headed like I am making good choices for myself did boost my confidence. 

Week two closed out with a 1 pound loss which I will happily take. Losses definitely help keep me engaged. While I went out this weekend and had some drinks, I was pretty resolved not to be a party pants and still check in with my goals. Tomorrow morning I need to get up and get my bum to the gym because tomorrow night I am seeing Ellie Goulding woooooo hooooooooooo.

A Petite Rant

There are two sides of the Lena Dunham debate for the most part. Those who love her, and those who hate her. I happen to love her. I think she's fascinating, smart, writing what needs to be said, and funny. I like that she's not afraid to be herself, sorta weird, not perfect, and fearless. What I absolutely cannot stand is the conversation around her body. Sure, she does write her series Girls and she does put sex scenes in it. Twenty somethings having sex is not news. A less then rail thin 20 something having sex is also not news. It's also so besides the point of the work that she does. As someone who spent my twenties muddling through New York, I tell ya it was a lot more Girls then it was Sex in the City. It was messy, hard, less entitled I'm not a millenial after all, but so much of it makes me cringe and laugh because well I've been there.

The NY Post critic who said:

"It's not every day in the TV world of anorexic actresses with fake boobs that a woman with giant thighs, a sloppy backside and small breasts is compelled to show it all."

And:

"In fact, Adam as well as another man are now obsessed with her and can't get enough of her blobby body."

This sort of talk is gross. How about reviewing the actual show? And using the word blobby? Her body is not blobby, nor are her thighs giant. I do not see in a television series review why you need to describe someone's body as blobby. You're a writer. Find a better word, or how about this write about the show?  Give me a break. Homegirl wore Zac Posen to the Golden Globes, Zac don't do blobby. 

I saw this quote recently and it made me think of this reviewer and well it sorta sums it up for me. Linda Stasi you are an idiot. Hillary Clinton says so. 

"You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot."

Hillary Clinton (via unhappie

Blobby or normal? I'd say that's a pretty average un-photoshopped butt. 

Week One

I have crafted what I am calling a 12 week total body makeover. We'll see how much actually gets made over. What I am really trying to do is redefine and explore what my limits are. My theory is as a reaction to years of terrible behavior abusing my body and learning to protect it, I ventured into overprotecting it. 

I'm always afraid of going back to where I was. Ignoring signs, obsessive behavior, and unhealthy practices that I often shoot things down. Push myself harder, oh no I might fall into diet mentality. Quit eating chocolate at night, oh no I might feel deprived. What a lot of these things have in common is that there are a lot mights, and a lot less knowns.

I was talking to my trainer Jesse, and asked him in his opinion how quickly could one expect to see noticeable physical results being disciplined but not crazy obsessive. He said 8 weeks on average. He said some people could as early as 4-6, some would take 9 so his answer was 8. 8 weeks. That's really not a lot of time now is it? I said okay how quickly could someone have a significant transformation and he said 12. 12 weeks is not a lot of time. Especially if you break down into 4 week chunks. I started really thinking about that, and how much the one thing that I regret in my own process is how much time I wasted. I didn't change because I was not ready so there's no point in hugely getting down about it, but something about thinking the stuff that bugs me right now could be different in 8-12 weeks really hit home with me. 

So I began last week. I brought my lunch to work, emailed my food journal daily, worked out with Jesse three times, got my cardio in, yoga in, and honestly felt pretty great. I did not feel deprived, I felt energetic clear headed and purposeful. It felt really good after being murky and bloated from the holidays. I lost two pounds which I definitely was happy about to keep me motivated. 

This week it's more of the same. I actually made it to the gym this morning, I am just as shocked as you are. Tomorrow I am attempting to workout in the morning again. Still bringing my lunch to work, and emailing my food journal daily. This weekend I definitely let loose and had a little too much fun in my opinion and hope it does not sideline my goals. I am aiming for 1.5 pounds loss per week so I have to really batten down the hatches to make up for my boozy mcgee weekend, but such is life and I don't regret it. I had fun, I loosened up, but discipline reigns Monday-Friday. 

Sleepy Anna is a Jerk

So I've been doing pretty well this week in terms of eating clean, getting to the gym, going to bed early. You know like a well oiled toddler machine or 80 year old depending on how you look at it. I have been a little hungry before bed recently. I think it's because I have decreased more portions a little, and up'ed my vegetables and been eating earlier. While veggies are a delight, they do not have the staying power I need sometimes.

Anywayz....I got into bed last night. Read for a while and very smugly started to drift off to sleep congratulating myself for not having chocolate that night. I woke up about 2:30am and decided the only solution to my being awake problem was to eat some dark chocolate. I was awake enough to navigate getting to the kitchen, wielding a knife to cut into a bar, and but too asleep to stop it. I crawled into bed with my sawed off wedge and the rest of the bar, ate it and then drifted back off. I guess the upside is i ate the whole thing and did not roll around in it. The semi-conscious version of me is a punk.

I read this today, "Life would be so much more relaxing if we could all just admit the things we do and we'd realize we have them in common and then we wouldn't feel so guilty about them," 

It may have hit a nerve or two, and so yes I share with you today sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and enjoy slumber chocolate. I have also woken up in the morning and enjoyed early morning sleepy chocolate. Anyone else sleep eat? What's the moral of the story? Don't go to bed hungry? Just eat the damn chocolate?

I Have a Three Year Old

And I didn't even know it. Nope, not a kid. This here bloggie is a whopping three years old. I am less oh golly gee I didn't think this here thing would last. It does make me stop and take stock of the fact that since it began I have continued to lose weight, or keep it off. Maybe it's time I push myself harder to let go of the past, and move forward. I see glimpses of it sometimes. I meet people and they have no idea I've lost over a hundred pounds and I feel no need to tell them. It doesn't define me, it's not who I am, it's a part of my history. It's not only part of my history but becoming an older part of it.

I'm ready and need some new history. I am looking for it right now. It starts with little mundane steps like bringing your lunch to work (day two), reading old food journals, and harder larger steps like asking yourself what it really is you want and what's in your way to achieve it.

What do I want? To feel healthy, strong, and comfortable in my own skin inside and out. Now to go about figuring out how to do that and support myself in achieving it.

Discipline vs. Deprivation

A friend recently complimented me on being able to make it to the gym at night. He recently began working in production and is finding it challenging. He said, "Production's exhausting, how do you make it here at night, it's really commendable." While flattering, I replied with, "Dude, what I lack in discipline I make up for in stamina." I am not a hugely disciplined person. I see this in many areas of my life. What concerns me recently is the lack of discipline with food. I can't be bothered to measure, I can't be bothered to ask for dressing on the side, I can't be bothered to steam some greens, the list goes on. I could blame the holidays but that would not be the truth. This is not new or holiday related territory. 

I think often I confuse discipline with deprivation. I get very protective over my food, routines, and resist changing them. I immediately fear feeling deprived or like I am on a diet. I use this fear as a way to delay change. Oh I dunno if I give that up I might react poorly. Fear isn't reality and if I don't try it I'll never really know now will I. Holding myself accountable and being honest about my intake is not the same as being deprived. I mean lets be real I want for nothing, what baby wants, baby gets. I am quite possibly the furthest thing from deprived. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, but I think I do not push myself hard enough to find out what my limits really are. I stay safe in my routines, I draw my lines in the sand of I am NOT willing to part with x. I really have no idea if this is the truth or what I want anymore. Is dark chocolate at night really worth more to me then feeling strong, healthy, and comfortable in my body? Am I really gaining or winning anything by holding on to these things? I think not. 

I went shopping recently and got so frustrated by my reflection. Not because of my weight, or my body shape, but because of lumps and bumps. I immediately would think about what shapewear I could bust out to alter my reflection, what layers could I work in to skim over what I did not like,  and what annoyed me most is I have the power and ability to alter that reflection. I do have the skills and capability to get rid of that back fat that drives me bananas. What I am lacking is the discipline. I know all to well how this all works and yet I just ignore that key piece of information. 

I'm worn out for sure, but I think what I am worn out mostly from is treading water. It's the soothing of myself that where I am is okay and don't get me wrong it is. I like myself, I like my body, I value it, I think both me and my form are pretty cool, but I don't have the energy to pretend like I'm done, or completely satisfied with it. 

That being said so far what I am going to try is bringing my lunch to work so I know exactly what I am eating, and I stepped up my training to 3 times a week. I want to push myself to think more in terms of discipline and what is a pro-goal and pro-me choice and not immediately default to feeling deprived. I am not a child at the dinner table anymore who's mom is saying do you really need that? There's no judgement or rules, so I cannot lose sight of my goals and what I want for myself because of old baggage. Discipline's voice can be louder then baggage's. 

Fool Me Once

A weird thing has been happening to me lately with the fellas. Not my usual garden variety weird, a new weird. Lately guys in either serious relationships, or engaged have been kicking it to me. The first time it happened I didn't think much about it, then it became a trend and then it culminated with a big New Years What. The. Hell.

So New Years....My friend Jugo and I made plans to go out with other friends to this delightful place in Brooklyn. A fella who I had never met prior was there. I thought he was there to be introduced to a guy friend of ours. Whoops. Seeing as he was not, but was also straight and had a girlfriend, I still didn't pay him that much mind, pleased to meet you moving on to revelry. Fast forward to us chatting, we definitely hit it off, got along, but I wasn't thinking much about it. Well, as the drinks flowed so did his flirting. Listen, I'm human so it's not like I was discouraging it at first because I thought it was harmless. We work in the same industry, we have similar interests, I thought it was more your oh how cool we've met who knew sorta interest. However, he really started to take it up a notch, saying things best not said when in a relationship, whispering in my ear, try to holding my hand, sneaking a New Years kiss on the lips after I had offered a cheek. He continued to up the ante. At this point I was giving some pushback. I mean 1. you have a girlfriend 2. you have a girlfriend, and 3. this is a waste of my time. I like an ego boost as much as the next person and my ego had been boosted. Enough. People with us, and friends of his insist on inviting his girlfriend to the after party. Mr. Charmypants was not thrilled with this development. I'm thinking dude, what did you think was going to happen? I can assure you, and him nothing. Even after her arrival he continues to flirt with me. At this point I'm just thinking he's either really drunk or really stupid, or both and he better stop because his girlfriend is taller then me and could probably clobber my ass.

I started thinking about this, and I'd love to write it off as him being gross, but the fact that this has happened to me many times in the past few months has gotten me thinking. In the past few months a guy has majorly flirted with me, tried to make plans, and not revealed they were either in a relationship or engaged. I usually found out from other people. This is weird to me. I mean if you're going to be friends isn't this info you share? At first I sort of wrote it off and was like hmph says more about them then me, but the fact that it's continued has me thinking maybe there is something to do with me.

I am flirty by nature, I like banter, I aim to be charming, this is not new information. I think in finding my way with dating however sometimes the taken men are a much safer playground for me. I know I am not going to cross a line. I have zero interest in someone who is already taken. That's gross and disrespectful. I mean I hesitate to accept a friend's boyfriends friend request on facebook unless they know. I do however wonder if sometimes I am more at ease, less guarded, and could be perceived as more flirtatious with these guys not meaning to be. I know nothing is going to happen, I try not to be that girl who if you have a girlfriend I walk away as if you're useless to me, but they don't know that. Taken men are people to, but I have to change playgrounds.

When it comes to the fellas I have been trying to clean house. No guy friends who I slip into the faux boyfriend state with, no guys who I don't really like but boost my ego, no guys who I am talking myself into, so now I think I have to add no guys who act like they're single but they're not. It's just not good enough, what I'm after, and it makes me feel icky. I am not a harlot out for other ladies' men and have to do my own part in not making it seem that way.