Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Do you feel good about this?

I have been on the partying streak. It's been fun but in typical Anna fashion I had to take it too far. The other weekend I went out and bypassed tipsy and got real drunk. I mean drunkity, drunk, drunk. Let me put it truly into perspective...I puked in the cab. That was a gross over share but I'm sorry had to be said.  As I lay on my bathroom floor thoroughly grossed out by myself I said, you feel good about this? Does this give you good self esteem? No it did not. Sunday I lazed around my apartment reflecting, and I realized just like so many other things I had taken a good thing too far. I am compulsive and have an addictive streak and no matter what this is part of me. As Marisa said today part of your nature is you swing between extremes. She said what's good is you are recognizing what it means for yourself and checking in.  Yes I do swing between extremes.  It's simple to me in some ways, that was fun, made me feel good, was enjoyable, tasted good, so repeat. I used to do this mostly with sweets but now it's with going out.

In some ways it's like a delayed adolescence. I went out before but I was so painfully self conscious, insecure and counting down the seconds until I could escape it was not exactly the good times. Now feels so different. I feel less like I am looking at other people thinking I wish I was having fun like them I am having fun. It was never the company I was keeping, it was my head and my inability to separate from it. I also had a weird relationship with alcohol before. My father was an alcoholic and knowing my predisposition to addiction I avoided it. I would go out and get real drunk a few times a year and that was about it. I don't really keep alcohol in my house because it's not worth it to me, but I think I am figuring out the place it has in my life. I can have a glass of wine and still lose weight and be focused on my goals. In fact I notice when I am going out to dinner and know I might have a glass of wine I adjust my snack accordingly and skip dessert probably saving myself calories and fat in the long run. I can go out, and enjoy being present and not feeling held back by myself and not have the night end on my bathroom floor feeling super disgusted with myself.

The good thing about learning and connecting with yourself is you learn what to watch for. I know to keep an eye out. This past holiday weekend I was low key. I went out and thoroughly enjoyed a dance party with old friends and did not need to over indulge. I honored how I felt. I wanted to take a break from the drinking. I wanted to not be hungover the next day but make it to the gym and I stood by that. Checking in works not just for food, but anything you have to watch yourself with. I see this more and more. I do not have to stomp something out, I just have to watch it and ask myself how I feel about it and then act accordingly. It's not all or nothing, it's lets find a way to work together.

Awards are Lovely

 I was having a challenging day when I do the lovely surprise of an award! Thanks so much to Amie at Running on Healthy! It made my day and I adore your blog so thank you. I also have read all of Charlaine Harris's books but the last one left me a little underwhelmed. I will still read the next one though.

Now to the award business:

The Rules:

  • Thank the person and link them in your post.
  • Tell ten things about yourself.
  • Nominate your bloggers.
  • Go to their blogs and let them know you've given them an award!

 1.  I REALLY wish I could sing. Not so much to be a performer or anything but I would just like to be able to sing and play piano.

2. Poetry being read or recited out loud makes me completely uncomfortable and squirmy.

3. I do not like grape flavor anything. My mom when we were kids hated the smell of it and we were never allowed it and now as an adult I can't stand it. Her plan worked.

4. I eat skittles, m&ms and gummy bears when I do eat them in same colored pairs. It enhances the experience.

5.  I do not like scary movies or sci-fi. I have tried, but it's just not my thing but I do quite like supernatural stuff.

6. Every once and a while I want to leave the city, live on a farm, have a garden and make dream catchers or something to sell in town. Then I remember more then 2 days outside of a city completely freaks me out. How does one get their coffee in the morning without stepping outside?

7. I still sometimes can not believe how much weight I have lost, but more then that how much my relationship with food, exercise, and health has changed. Whenever I get down about where I am at now I look where I have come from and realize I no longer harm myself every day with my choices.

8. I wear SPF 50 year round because I think I look good for my age and want to stay that way.

9. My brain loves info and holds on to it, which I am grateful for but my short term memory is like a goldfish. I sometimes can not remember my PIN number but can tell you all sorts of useless facts or my PIN number from 3 debit cards ago. Can you tell I am struggling with my new debit card?

10. I love, love, love what blogging has brought into my life. It has connected me with so many people I value. I would never have otherwise known so many great people, heard their stories, commiserated with their struggles and experiences, it delights and overwhelms me how not alone we all are in figuring it all out. Everyone who reads, emails, comments, passes through, anything, I have such a special place in my heart for you. You all mean so much to me and help me stay sane, move forward,  be honest, and so much more. Thank you.

Now some bloggies I love and pass this award on to:

Josie @ yumyucky.com I have a serious girl crush on Josie. She is so inspiring, hilarious, and I love how she keeps pushing herself with more and more challenges. Her mentality and honesty is so refreshing and uplifting.

Hannah @ Hannah's Reductions  I love, love, love reading Hannah's blog. I find her realness and honesty so inspiring. She like Josie balances kids and being healthy and I love reading about how she finds that balance and maintains it. The fact that it's done 99.9% of the time with humor is also totally amazing. I also think she has luverly style and I like seeing what she will come up with next.

Samara @ My So Called Style I think Samara and I knew one another in a past life. I agree with her food and style choices wholeheartedly and love reading about her adventures making them. I have loved seeing her blog transform with more and more content. I also envy her clean super design aesthetic.

D @ A Better Lesser Me Your honesty is so incredible sometimes it takes my breath away. I love your writing, and intelligence. I look forward to every post and I feel lucky to have been able to learn more about you.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Captain's Log

I am struggling to stay afloat in a sea of manchildren and emotional eating temptation. On top of it all I am having a hard time staying on work out track. I worked out this morning despite oversleeping. I managed 20 minutes. I felt so guilty about this but then shook it off and instead realized it was 20 minutes more cardio then sleeping would have been.

My goal tomorrow is to get my act together and do a full 45 minutes. I also have to take clients out three times this week. What does that mean? Restaurant food and booze. Not a great combo. It's more calories then I would usually intake. Last night I had an entree skipped dessert and a starter, but did have two glasses of wine. The wine was mostly my misguided attempt to make the tension headache I had disappear. It didn't disappear but it did make me care less about it which I took as a semi-victory.

I try to keep reminding myself do what I can when I can. Take a deep breath and ride the wave and do not give into temptation to just eat the stress away. I just feel gross. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds in a hot second. I know I haven't but lately I have been drinking more, off my usual eating schedule, and facing a tremendous amount of stress. This week having my go to stress relief of working out a little monkeyed with is not helping. I also saw some pictures of myself that I looked bigger in then I would like to think I am. Of course after this on my way home I wanted to buy some dark chocolate?! Seriously sometimes I wish I could disconnect or reboot my brain. You are not happy with your appearance and weight so you want chocolate? But this is what I have to deal with. This time the chocolate did not win and I listened to a song that just makes me want to dance and wiggled and shimmied my way to picking up my dog. Today I had a turkey burger for lunch which I usually would have had sweet potato fries with but I know I am going out tonight so I skipped the fries and had a side salad. This made me feel good taking control where I can and doing the best I can instead of just throwing my hands up and saying its a bad week. It's as bad a week as I let it be.

should you wish to get your dance on I HIGHLY recommend checking this track out, it's also a free download:


Bonus link because I love all of you:


Friday, May 20, 2011

What a Week

I have never been so pleased to see a Friday. I have had beyond a trying week. What I absolutely love though is I kept my ish together. I did not turn on myself, get too frazzled, angry, stressed out, or too far down the stress rabbit hole. Don't get me wrong there were several moments I seriously considered fleeing. I keep my passport in my wallet at all times for a reason. You never know when you just might crack and need to leave. I have been stressed on personal fronts, I feel like I am ignoring my mom, my apartment is a disaster, my finances have been left a little too on their own and now I am paying for it, and I did not eat so well this week. On an even bigger bummer note I had to miss FitBloggin'. I have been on the road for work, and have more projects going on right now then I can remember. It's a sucky part of my job. Sometimes your personal life just does not matter. The work comes first. The blessing is I can not keep up with the projects and have to worry a little less about my company's bottom line. I seriously can not keep up with the work, and I have had to delegate more effectively, ask for help, prioritize and accept I am not perfect, will not get everything right or done. I also will not be able to do everything the way I would normally like to. I just can't. I would like everything to be perfectly handled, all tidy, efficient, with my hair done nicely and a smile on my face. Instead it was as close to excellent as it could get and staying on top of the wave the best I could.  I also happened to lose power twice at work losing the work people had been working on, had our back up/restore machine break when I needed to restore 4 projects, a co-worker who I suspect in the midst of a mental breakdown and the hits just kept coming. Overall there were some days the desire to eat my feelings was so overwhelming it left me hungry all day. I ate 3 cookies on Tuesday. Not just any cookies but coconut, chocolate chip, macadamia nut. I mean if you're going to eat your feelings better make it good. I knew what I was doing, but I did it anyway. I did however throw half of one away. That felt good. It felt good to go yeah I know what's up and why I am doing this and despite giving myself permission to proceed pump the brakes. Plus I felt gross and I hate feeling gross. The bad thing about not eating your feelings anymore is that when you want to you really can't anymore. Your belly becomes a traitor.

What I did not lose sight of this week is...I made it to the gym every single night. I assure you every night I did not want to work out. I wanted to crawl into bed but I didn't. I did feel better post work outs and knew I really did need that. I went to bed earlier then usual every night, and I kept it together. Despite having a week that could have left me miserable, cranky, and unable to shake the stress and let it leak into what time I did have for me I did things wiser for myself. I practiced healthier self soothing techniques. I did yoga in the mornings to get my game face on. I took care of myself and kept it in perspective, and laughed at a lot of the misery. It's one week. Things happen. It gets messy. I can roll with it. I can keep it together. It was really lovely to see this tested, and come out alright. I'm worn out and brewing a mega headache but that could be fun the super tight bun I have been rocking thanks to monsoon season not stress, but I am okay. I would like a cocktail served to be in a big gulp cup, and some REALLY bad mindless TV but I have more work to do and the end is not totally in sight yet. It is Friday and this weekend I plan to work out, eat clean and get back on track. The best part is I do not have too far to go to find that track.

Monday, May 16, 2011

I Don't Remember Asking You

Have you ever just volunteered what you thought of a guy's appearance right off the bat? I do not think I have. I have complimented. I work with a lot of guys and when they look extra handsome I tell them but I leave it at that. This weekend I had two conversations that did not have the impact they may have previously had but still gave me pause. 

Saturday I was hanging at the gym with my buddy Avery, and Egon my trainer. I was talking to Avery about not knowing what to wear and feeling unmotivated. Some how this took a turn and ended up with my trainer saying to Avery almost as if I was not present, "Have you ever seen Anna, all done up, hair done, make up, all stylish and professional, I bet every guy looks at that and thinks yeah I want to get on that." I give myself points for not just being immediately flattered, and batting my eyelashes, but actually pausing to think well that's a little hyperbolic and weird. I am not an unfortunate looking girl, and I do clean up fairly well, but I HIGHLY doubt every guy is looking at me thinking I want to get on that. Not to super over think it, but I just found it odd. Women in general do not talk in this manner in my opinion. We have the decency to talk with our girlfriends at brunch behind your back, I am only half kidding. I think what I find interesting is the confidence, assumption, and projection all going on in one sentence. It takes confidence to be so sure about a statement. It's assuming a lot, the opinion of the fellas out and about, and the projection that you know what they find desirable. I think it's tough with the trainers. We do speak about my appearance, but it's mostly about what I want to do, change, progress and things of that nature. It's the business at hand. It's not really about beauty, desirability, or my attractiveness to the opposite sex because that to me is subjective and out of his realm. I was pleased that I did not really care what he thought and did not give it much weight. His opinion is his, it's not really a reflection of anyone elses or what the opinion of the fellas at large is and most importantly I do not care. I really don't. I care more about should I come across a fella that I like that he finds me attractive for who I am AND what I look like not just what I look like. Looks, like labels give us a smidgen of the story but they do not really tell us anything.

It's pretty easy to think you have a story in your head but really you know next to nothing. I see this more and more by what people tell me. I mentioned the eye liner thing to a guy friend, that guys approach me more when I have it on. He said, "Not a big surprise at all, it means your carefree, fun, not too uptight, and therefore a good lay.". Wow. That's a lot of information to come from a beauty product. I do not really see fun and eyeliner and intrinsically tied but that's me.

Saturday night I ended up at the bar with Katie. Her boyfriend was working, we caught up. Then she insisted I had to head off with them to an after hours place. My goose had already long been cooked. I was not even trying to cover up my yawns, but off we went. One of the bouncers at the bar has taken a shine to me. He walked with us over to the after hours place, and proceeded to tell me why he liked me. He started this off with I like you because you're thick. I like the word thick about as much as I do plus size. I only like the word thick when you're using it to describe the frosting density on a baked good. I again award myself points for not melting down and assuming the term thick meant I was fat, but rather just laughing and thinking that is not the way to win me over. Katie said to him you should see this girl she can run, and he said I bet she's built like a thorough bred race horse. Okay. So now I am thick and built like a race horse. Also not something I would usually be fond of being linked to in description unless it was about my speed.

I again just found this so interesting. What would possess you to say this stuff to someone, especially a girl? The word on the street for the most part is not to compare us to animals unless it's a slinky cat, and we like words like svelte and graceful as descriptors but that's me making assumptions. Maybe I just prefer those terms. Beyond that what I learned though is I am not down with it. If you do like me, are attracted to me, or want to have a shot with me, immediately telling me what you think of my appearance is not the way to go. Not asking me any questions about myself but only talking about my appearance, not the way to go. I can not worry about the fellas. They have their own fish to fry and hopefully they will find ladies who love their upfront way of sharing opinions. It was nice to walk away knowing I really don't care as much as I thought I might about opinions on my looks or body.  I used to be real slutty about seeking out comments, or looking for them or attaching more importance to them before. I was so disconnected that I would take what I could get to give me an idea of what I did look like or how I was perceived. I know now what I look like, how I am perceived I can not really know and can not care what people think. I can only worry about my own opinion because that's tough enough to keep healthy, balanced and in perspective.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Who's Your They?

For someone who has struggled with boundaries I strangely like rules. I like the way they give an illusion of control or guidance. You can cling to them for some sort of order. I used to also have this inner voice of rules. Lately it's been pretty quiet and it got me thinking about how it even came to be to begin with.

I think I told myself it was the voice of different things according to the situation.  Society, my mom, my family, my job, whatever was called for. What would they think? There was always this imagined sense of reaction, or affect. I did not always define it. It was the every present yet highly illusive they. You know what?  I no longer care what they think, mostly because they do not exist. It's manufactured by us. Everyone is way to wrapped in their own lives to care half as much as any of us think they do about our lives and decisions. If they do care as much as we imagine then it's still not our problem unless we are making it so.

There is a difference in being considerate, aware of others, and not a punk and being hugely aggressive in your needs and living. I used to get so turned off by people who were very aggressive in declaring their needs, or disregarding how their decisions affect others. It's easy to show no regard for others, it's hard to find a balance between consideration and honoring yourself. It's tough to find a balance but not impossible. It does not have to be aggressive, or passive, it can just be. I saw Marisa on Tuesday and we talked about this, funnily enough she had neon pink nail polish. I mean 80's throwback neon pink. I thought it was awesome, she said people had really reacted to it. We started talking about this. I think we use the illusive they to give ourselves an out. To stay safe in our decision making. What would they think? I like Marisa for lots and lots of reasons, but I love that she had neon pink nail polish on. To me this little action says a lot.

I started thinking about this when I did not go home with Rico Suave. Before I would have not gone home with him because what would they think. Now I did not go home with because I did not want to. It was fun for a night, but I knew the next morning I would be left with me and my decision and it would not work for me. They do not have to live with the consequences you do. I find also they who judge are living scared. It's a lot easier to constrain yourself and actions because of a fear that is not substantiated then to actually take a risk. I regret far less what I have actually done. I regret a whole lot more what I was too afraid to do. Mostly I regret the years I spent not living for various reasons. I was so wrapped up in what I was supposed to be and not what I actually was. Knowing and being okay with who I am lets me care above and beyond anything else what I think and what I feel is right for me. No one else really knows that but me. They surely don't. It's actually a lot less scary then worrying what faceless, or nameless people think. At the end of the day very rarely will we actually know what someone thinks so why live worrying about it, or let it affect your decisions? You'll never completely know if you guessed right and you might have missed out on something that could have been awesome like neon pink nail polish that would make you happy. You have to look at your nails all day. They don't.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Lady Love

Katie and I last weekend.

I have a great group of girlfriends. They are smart, sassy, funny and they keep me sane and grounded. This was not always the case. In fact up until college I was a little lady shy. Usually girls had sucked. I had ended up back stabbed or in an never ending cycle of top that. Some of my friends are people I have known since I first landed in NYC. One of my oldest friends here was my suite mate freshman year. Our friendship has endured. One of my greatest friendships happened completely by chance and by taking a risk.

Katie and I first met via the phone. I needed a roommate and she did to. We spoke via phone, she was in Arizona, me in New York and sort of felt one another out. I think we decided we would not kill the other or be killed and so entered into co-habitation agreement with a okay lets do this attitude. The first time I laid eyes on Katie I was pretty sure my new roomie was Malibu Barbie. She was wearing, light jeans, a white tube top, gleaming blond hair, and deep tan to match. I was scared. I immediately was like oh no, this is not going to work. Mostly because I thought she was wondering who the sloppy chubby girl she was now supposed to live with was. I could not have been more wrong. I also could not have known then how much I would learn and benefit from the friendship.

This initial meeting set the tone of our friendship. We could not be more different in many ways, but at the core we believe the same things, and I would like to think have given one another a safe place to be ourselves. I have been able to have one of the most rewarding friendships with her because she has never judged me. She is OCD and I am a slob but she has tried to help me and has never shamed or judged my habits. She has never judged my decisions, but has always been able to tell me what she thought. We have been able to communicate. I think what I have learned the most is we can be ourselves and because we started our friendship living together not being ourselves was never an option. We were only going to be on our best behavior for so long. I came home once and she had moved her bed to be able to see the TV and was dipping a banana into a can of frosting. I am not going to lie. I fell in love. A girl after my own heart, eating in bed, and frosting nonetheless. This was over ten years ago. We weathered living in different cities, crappy boyfriends, family drama, career nonsense, and managed to laugh and support one another through it.

Last year Katie became an American citizen. 4th of July weekend no less, and I came out to toast her. We had a few cocktails and she grabbed me and told me how proud she was of me of what I had been doing with the weight loss, and that she felt she did not tell me enough. We both had tears in our eyes and granted a lot of this was alcohol fueled, but we do love one another and want the best for each other and always have. Katie has never not had my back, and me hers. Katie's weight is pretty consistent but she loves food and stays on top of it. She has never once judged me, and if anything has consistently supported me, tried to boost my confidence, and commiserated with me. I love her for that. I love her for not ever making me feel weird, self conscious, judged, or less then but I also love and value that she was able to be happy for me. Many of my relationships have changed since this all began. Some have weakened, some died out, some strengthened. I am so grateful that our friendship strengthened. Katie never thought there was anything wrong with me to begin with I think she was just waiting for me to see it.

This is my teary confession to her. There are too many stories, too many good times, or meltdowns that she just let me have and didn't judge to list. The most epic being when after 6 months of waiting for my furniture my new sofa did not fit into the elevator and I nearly walked out on to traffic yelling into my phone. She just gently guided me back on to the sidewalk instead of smacking me and telling me to get it together. There's the party my mom had where my brother's girlfriend had a meltdown of epic proportions and we still think broke his nose that she didn't bat an eyelid at or judge. I do not tell her enough how much her friendship means to me. How much I do depend on her, and value her, and feel lucky to know her. I am so happy for her in the turns her own life has taken. She has accomplished so much in her career, in love, and within herself. She has an amazing boyfriend and it's always fun to see them together because he sees everything great about her, and can laugh about the quirks but never tries to change them. He's a smart man, and it gives me hope. We should all be so lucky to find a fireman who thinks we hung the moon.

We joke and call each other our LLP's, Lesbian Life Partners and that we know one day we'll end up on the porch together watching the world go by, but in the meantime I am happy to have her by my side now. To have had her friendship that has always been positive, encouraging, rewarding and kind. She has grown as a person and I feel lucky and blessed to have been able to do the same by her side. The older I get the more I feel lucky that I needed a roommate back in 2000 and met her. Who knows what would have happened if I had stuck with what was safe and known and not just taken a chance. I am glad I do not have to know.

It being Mother's Day and all on Sunday I should probably have posted about my mom. She however, being Miss Too Cool for School boycotts mother's day. True story. She has very strong feelings about it. I decided to take this as a chance to post about a woman who has been in my pantheon of important woman and save an ode to my mom for another time.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

What Would Draper Do?

I love Mad Men and I am excited for whenever they get their negotiations over with and get a new season going. Anyway, I came across this quote from the great Don Draper, "People tell you who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." So true Don, so true. I think beyond us wanting people to be who we want them to be we also project. I feel like lately beyond my weight, and eating disorder nonsense a lot of my past in general comes into the equation less. I have less of my negative internal chitter chatter going on so I can actually listen to what someone is saying, or take their actions, and words for what they are. People often are telling you who they are, we all want to ignore it. In the past I would decide someone was judging me, or I wasn't cool enough, thin enough, or whatever and they would have done nothing to make me think that. I had just decided it. I also got super hung up on the myth of potential. I would see what I thought someone could be, or get hung up on little slices of someone. There are people who can be great for a hot second but is it really worth hanging around for those crumbs? Is it enough to be friends just for those few moments where they do not suck. Maybe they don't at the core, but if that is what they are showing you most of the time maybe you do have to go by that.

I find the more I take people for who they are or what they show me the less I am disappointed. The less I judge the behavior or have expectations I should not the more I am rewarded by the actual encounter. Interactions are allowed to be just that, moments we interact. My self esteem does not need to cling to these moments to feel better, or put unnatural importance of these things, and I do not make someone into something they are not. Alexi Wasser at imboycrazy.com wrote an interesting piece about a guy she interviewed who also interviewed her. She reflected on meeting him, "If I hadn’t had a boyfriend at the time, I would have totally begun playing the whole ‘How do I get this dude to think I’m sexy and neat and interesting and desirable’ game. You know, the game where you morph into whatever you think the dude in question needs you to be. You turn into a character. Which makes sense since you’ve pretty much made the guy a character too- seeing as though you don’t even know him… yet!

In this case, I would have played the part of the coquettish intellectual to get the sexy brooding arty guy.

Yes, years ago, I would have done that. But by the time I was single and Aaron and I became officially acquainted… I’d grown up. And at this point in my life, I’m able to be the same person in every situation. I’m only able/willing to be me. As opposed to what I used to do; become different versions of myself depending on who I hung out with. Compartmentalizing my groups of friends and who they think I am/thought i was/expected me to be"

Let me throw my hand up and yell out an enthusiastic guilty! I have done that, in fact I not only did it I lived it. I did that for a long time and you know what you get yourself into a lot of trouble you are to blame for. You create the fantasy and it can be one about who you think this person is, or what you think this person thinks of you. You can create trouble by compartmentalizing making yourself into these little fractions instead of just being yourself. It's a mess. It's exhausting. It creates more confusion then is necessary. Do you have to be your whole self to the whole world all the time? No. I believe in public face but at the end of the day morphing at the drop of the hat as a lifestyle makes you get further and further away from yourself. The more I accept who I am, and that not everyone is going to like me the less inclined I am to try to convince people otherwise. You can like me or not, but turning myself into a character just makes me not like myself. When you have just met someone and have no idea if they are worth any of your time and attention are they at all worth deducting some self esteem points? I think no. I try and try to remind myself of this. I still get tempted to turn into someone else. To check out play a role. I like it, it's tempting.

I am learning though in the long run despite the few minutes it may actually be fun in the long run it leaves me feeling completely craptastic. Last week's adventure with Rico Suave showed me something. I did not project, I did not assume, I did not question, and I did not play a role. He was laying his cards out on the table and I did not judge it, but checked in decided what I was or was not okay with and then just relaxed. It showed me something. It showed me I am changing. I can trust myself to do healthier things not just in my food choices, but in my life choices. I can be in a situation and not morph into a character. I can just be myself and not be caught up with showing someone something else, making them someone else, and just take it for what it is. I hope this sticks.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ladies I love

I've been listening to Lykke Li's new album and I am into it. I also love her style. She has a way of looking effortlessly cool. I like that she looks sexy without trying to. It's not about short skirt, boobs out, and the usual tricks. There are three ways to dress, for women, men or yourself. Lykke Li dresses for herself and I like that.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Keeping it Classy

I usually like to keep it classy. I wear skirts of a modest length, cross my legs and think more Grace Kelly then Kelly Osbourne in my lady channeling. I am however and will forever be a mess. I usually swear more then I want to and say inappropriate things because my internal filter is not so good, and let my nail polish chip way more then is acceptable pre-removal. Saturday started well, met up with Katie for a lady date. It ended with me in a bar with the lights on, because it was past closing. Blink and you're a mess.

The being in the bar with the lights on believe it or not is not the tacky part. I made out with a dude in a bar. Not exactly keeping it classy. It started all fine and well. He's a friend of a friend, a known ladies man, not my type at all and I do not think we have anything in common besides our mutual friends and living in New York. He was totally on the make. When we were introduced Rico Suave kissed my hand. I love these guys. I find them funny. I have zero actual interest in a charmy pants but they serve their purpose. They generally love and appreciate women in their own weird slutty way. He spent the evening complimenting me, trying to feel me up, and repeatedly asking me to come home with him. Going home with a guy after just meeting him is not my style. I don't go home with guys more because well it's just not usually an option, and uhm yeah you don't spend years incredibly self conscious and then hop into bed with people. I just can't. It's not right for me, I am way too STD and preggers obsessed to be taking that risk on just anyone. Back to the story, I have never in my life been more pressured by a guy to go home with him. It was cool to know I did not care if he liked me. He liked my look, it would do for the evening but whether or not I went home with him to make him like me mattered not to me. I didn't care if he did. He had already given me such gem statements as, " I want to see your red lipstick all over my body." For the record Rico it was hot pink and thank you. Thank you for validating what I know to be true I look good and for that classic. You can not take a guy terribly serious who will spit a line like that. I wanted to laugh in his face honestly but there is some girl out there it's worked for and more so I don't think he's lying. I think he did want some girl to leave a mark Saturday night. Oh make up don't send these mixed messages to the fellas.

I like to wear a fair amount of back eyeliner lately. It's a vicious cycle. I back it down and I feel like my eyes disappear, I put on more and it's not enough and around we go. I think certain guys take this as a bad girl emblem. I thought this went out of style a ways back, but Rico also asked me are you a bad girl, you look like a bad girl. Uhm no, and judging by the predictability of this exchange I am guessing if I had said yes he would have offered a spanking or something of that ilk. It's just funny, don't be fooled by eyeliner, or cropped leather jacket. The eyeliner is because I had to do a cocoperez.com video, the jacket is from target, but the attitude is all mine.

So how did I end up making out with him? It's this tricky desirability thing mixed with my own boredom. I made out with him because I could, and because he made me feel sexy and like I could be brazen for a night. I did not second guess what I was doing, or his interest, or a million other things. He was pretty clear in his interest, why bring my own ish into it ruining a random silly encounter? I spent years ruining the random encounters and missing out on them.  Having someone give you an evening full of positive feedback when you doubt yourself is a pretty potent thing. The actual make out came from him again asking if I wanted to go home with him and me saying no and that I required a lot more work then that. I also probably should not have said this but did, "we haven't even made out, what makes you think I would leave with you." Cue the make out session. I asked for it. I can't blame him, or the vodka soda. I wanted to see if I could get it and I did.

 What is tough about desirability is you can think you are the best thing in the entire world but if no one else agrees are you? I say yes and no. My girlfriends are sweet, they really are the best. They tell me I'm pretty, funny, look good in my jeggings, but we're not dating. They are not my demographic so as much as I appreciate and love their view of me and reassurance that I am not a monster I still have that lingering but where the dudes at? I was starting to believe only women found me attractive and I started to not care. I paint my nails blue because I like it, I assure you no guy gets it, I ombre'ed my hair because I wanted to, again men do not understand this, paying money to have roots? what? I think what works for me is I am doing things I want to do. Not caring who thinks what, my mom, women, men, co-workers, I do not care, and it boosts my confidence. I am not sitting around waiting to be picked I am picking.

At the end of the day a guy trying to coax me home with him does not make me change my opinion of myself but it was nice. I mean lets not front, flattery is cool, it's feels nice and it's usually always accepted if done well. The charmy pants breed of male does this well and if you take it for what it is I view it as harmless. It was nice after years of feeling invisible to men, or having to play a character to pursue one,  I just relaxed and boom one was all up on me. He's someone I would think would be all about the blonds with big boobs. Superficial, and thin oriented for sure. Apparently not. Thank you Rico Suave. I appreciated the attention but more then anything I appreciate the ridiculous story of the night. He didn't tell me anything I didn't know. I do have nice boobs, and I do have nice moves, I appreciate that he noticed them and thank him for that.