Wading in the Muck

Lets see a few things to update on. The holiday was lovely. Everyone behaved! My brother informed me I looked skinny and was hardly even fat anymore. Charming isn't he? He then continued and said depending on what guys I asked they might not think I was fat either. What I learn from little dagger comments like that though is I don't really give an eff what he thinks and you can not like something, but still not react to it negatively. I just shut it down. My new line when someone says something I just do not wish to even get into is retreat. I literally said to my brother retreat, retreat, and then when he was still talking I said, " You know I am kind of in a new place where I don't care what guys think. I could be a size 0 and some guy could still say I was fat if I let them." I have learned the hard way when you give people the power to validate you, it's a tough road back to reclaiming that as your personal right. I am looking to no longer give that away and certainly not to my brother. I do totally care what guys think but I no longer look to a male opinion to give me any validation or determine if I am fat or not. Regardless of whether or not I am, I no longer identify with fat. I have days I slip a little back and definitely struggle to see the progress I have made and by no means do I think I am thin I just try not to think in those limited terms anymore.

I sort of went a little man crazy over the weekend. Ugh. Can we take a moment to discuss secret crushes and how they start out all innocent and delightful and then take on a whole new life of their own? It starts so innocently and then before you know it they breathe and you are looking for meaning in it. I decided I wanted off the crazy train after making a panicked phone call to Katie Sunday night. Usually I am not a make a frantic phone call about a dude kind of girl. I would be fine with that if most of the situation was not 1. in my head, and 2. starting to take on a life of it's own. I was so freaked by my behavior I brought it up in therapy. I had one of those realizations that is very simple but one I had never made. I seek out emotionally unavailable men. This particular one I would not describe as emotionally unavailable, but physically because no moves are being made and I am certainly not making one. I not only seek them out, but I have never not known one. I mean any guy who has ever spent an extended amount in my life has not been emotionally available. It's what I know so it's what I drift towards. I still have quite a bit of thinking to do on this front. Obviously it's easier said then done trying to squash a crush but it's not impossible if you quit feeding it. I have to starve the crush. I spoke to Katie again last night, seeking out her wise counsel and something else I said to her is I am not giving in to unhealthy instincts or behaviors but I guess I just thought it would feel differently. This is not the case. Just because you do not act out does not mean the impulses do not change. Hmmm the irony of this parallel in my many other struggles is not lost on me for the record.

Moving along, the weight is I am not going to lie to you not so awesome. It's up. How much I am not 100% sure, but definitely a few pounds. This week I am going to try to keep it clean. I was supposed to have a few get drinks catch ups and I scaled that back. I am a little over alcohol right now, and just feeling a little gross and over indulgent so out goes the alcohol off the bat.

Another thing is I am returning to yoga. After my spectacular break up with my yoga instructor I am diving back in. I totally used our split as a reason to run away from yoga. It was definitely stirring feelings and the bust up gave me a great and convenient excuse to duck out. I am excited to get back into yoga, not so excited about what it could stir up but I am at a point right now where I want to be confronting what is uncomfortable then ignoring it. Delving through the past is not easy, it's emotionally draining, upsetting, and a daily battle, but I tell you what each thing I allow myself to think about as an adult loses a little of it's power over me. The lessening of the hold makes me feel like the fears, experiences, and unknowns that hold me back from reaching my goals are not impossible to move beyond. They really aren't they are just as not easily worked through or remedied as I would like. I would love to just make a list and merrily work my way through it. Just does not work that way with emotional muck unfortunately. I get it, I accept it, and now I work on it.

Anyone want to share some secret or not so secret crush stories to make me feel less foolish? I'll be your best friend and love you forever.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I should be showering and getting ready to head to my mom's place, but why do that when you can blog and drink another coffee? I am a girl with her priorities in check. I also have not heard back from Katie about what she's wearing. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Even though we're just eating at my mom's place outfit choice is still crucial. I try to dress up a little bit to reflect that it is a holiday. I can not wear pants too tight otherwise lets face it they are tight and uncomfortable. I can handle mom's house what I am a little tripped up by is going out after. Yes, there's a fella involved I'll leave it that. Ugh, clothes are dumb.

I am excited this year because I feel really calm. Last year I was still pretty new to not leading a disordered eating lifestyle. I was still pretty nervous about anything that was centered around food. I chanted the tips that Marisa gave me. I almost felt like I trained for the day. This year I am really not worried at all. It's one meal, one day and I have the skills to not make it spiral out of control. I am not going to let my family make me crazy and reach for another dessert when what I really want to do is tell them to be quiet. I am so happy Katie is coming. She did not join us last year and it just did not feel the same.

More then anything I am thankful today. I am thankful for all the amazing friends I have in my life, for the people I have met through this blog, for the support and kindness people have shown me, for the gift of unemployment I was given and for not being terror struck by what should be a pleasant day but isn't when food is the enemy. Food is no longer then enemy and neither is myself, I could not be more thankful to really be learning that and beginning to practice it. That being said I probably will eat more then I want to, drink a little too much (listen my family would drive anyone to drink, don't judge. ), but I will also laugh a lot and have a wonderful day because I'm getting it I do not have to be perfect to enjoy life. I am most thankful for beginning to grasp that. Focus less on perfect and more on just being. It's all you can do, that and eat turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone far and wide! Non-Americans have a turkey toast to us! What are all of you thankful for?

Lets Move it Along

It's been a little while since I set some goals. It feels like it's time to do so. 

1. Back to food journaling. I have been so incredibly off track on this front. I have not logged a damn thing in probably a month. No es bueno. 

2. Get back to yoga. Yoga has been dicey recently. I get SUPER emotional and it's super embarrassing, and distracting. I am starting private yoga lessons because this girl Olivia I know teaches and is super cheap. Problem solved. 

3. Add more structure into daily routine. I have become quite the tumbleweed embracing my freedom a little too much...

4. Better meal planning and grocery shopping. I have been really lax about this. I think since I am home a lot now I am afraid about having too much food in the house. So far the day eating has been totally fine. The night eating not so great but the days I am really bad about eating enough during the day directly affects the night eating. Lets learn from this shall we Anna?

5. Add more time to my cardio workouts. My cardio attention span got real short for a while. I up'ed my intensity and shortened my time. I think it's time to up my time a little bit to boost it's effectiveness. Especially with all the Haagen Daz going on in my belly. 

Anyone else redefining their goals? 

Dual Citizenship

I am a lucky girl for many reasons. One thing is I feel really lucky about is to not really be any one thing. I am both from the South and North.This was even more reaffirmed to me being in Arkansas. By day two I had reignited a major southern drawl. I caught myself pronouncing North Carolina, North Care-OH-Liiiinnne-UH. I could try to describe how much fun I had this weekend and would still not succeed. I could try to explain how great the girls I got to hang with are, and how amazing their fellas are, and how much precious the babies are but I will not succeed. It was a fantastic weekend with fantastic people.

We kicked off the weekend with a girl's night out. I got to see Melissa's Mom for a quick second and then we were off. I love her mom. She is a saint. She is one of the most amazing women I have been lucky enough to know. She has always been in my life with a kind word, reassurance, and has always consistently built me up. As much as I hate to say it, she's kind of the mom I wish I had but I am happy to just have her in my life. We headed out and there is nothing that prepares you for heading out with a mom of a toddler and a 4 month old who has not been out in a year. You generally should train for these sort of things. I do not think we stopped talking for hours. We went out, caught up, and had a great time. There was a fair amount of alcohol, not going to lie. Then Friday we woke up, lazed around a little and then picked up the boys from Mother's Day Out. While Melissa had a quick nap I caught up with her mom. As we say in the south we visited. I love these sayings and do not even realize I have forgotten them until I here it. Her mom is just so amazing. I know I have said it already but she really is amazing. She kept saying how amazing I looked, always had, and how proud she was of me. It was really nice and rather then deflect it I just let her say it. Post visit it was off to get the boys.

 It's a treat to get to see an old friend, but to get a glimpse into their reality is really fun. I was so excited to meet her boys. I met the baby briefly the night before we he needed a bottle and a change, but I was excited to really get to meet him without being a little tipsy. How do you know you're not ready for kids yet when you're excited to snuggle one drunk. Bad Godmomma. Bad. We picked up the boys, got them snacks, and everyone settled. Then good friends of Melissa's arrived and round two began. We visited, had a cocktail, and then got ready to go out. Girls just never change much do they? We're in our thirties but of course have to crowd together in the bathroom to do our hair and make up together. We went to dinner, and let me for a second talk about the food in Arkansas.

Oh the food. I ate green vegetables once. Once. I am not proud of this. I also ate fried pickles, pizza, real soda, a cinnamon bun the size of my head, hash browns, corn pudding, pulled pork, a cubano sandwich, and a pack of swiss rolls. I am not even discussing how much alcohol I had. If there is a shortage of vodka in Arkansas I have to hang my head and raise my hand that it's my fault. I gained a pound and a half while I was away. Not shocked at all and was just relieved that it was not ten because I would have deserved that. It freaked me out a little but I just rolled with it, did what I can and just took deep breaths. It was not my ideal to have a big blow out weekend the week before Thanksgiving, but what can you do? When in Arkansas, eat a lot of pork. That's what you do.

Being there and spending time with Melissa and being with her family just reinforced to me how much I want family. My own family is just not who I can count on. My Mom and brother are fighting currently and I am remaining neutral. I just do not have the patience or energy for it. I am sort of moving towards my logical family, the people I have chosen to be my family get the full access to me, but my family can not. I just can not trust them with myself. I am not going to keep going to the same people expecting different results. I am going to keep investing in the people who I can just relax and be myself with. I spent Saturday on the couch waiting my turn to snuggle the baby in sweatpants and my comfort hoodie not caring at all that I had raccoon eyes, and was wearing in PUBLIC my in private only hoodie, and had not showered. We laughed, commiserated, reported on our hangover progress, relived the night, and then laughed some more. We headed off to bed at about 8pm that tells you the shape we were in. Sunday we had to get it together there was a baptism to be had.

Sunday, I needed a hair dryer. I was in Melissa's bathroom and we laughed looking in the mirror that we were getting ready for church how it all comes full circle. We were always on each other's approved Saturday night sleepover lists because we would behave in church. Now 100 years later we're getting ready for church again. The baptism was lovely, and I still insist the pastor said to protect the child from wiccans not the wicked. At the airport I was sad to go, but so happy to have been there. To have had four days with someone who means so much to me, and to be able to laugh, share, and most importantly just be made me feel very lucky and thankful. Appropriate timing for this time of year hmmm....

Mel and I, before truly kicking off the goat rodeo of an evening. 

My precious snuggly Godson. 

Typical man pantless man watching football. 

Sex in the City Meets Arkansas

Sorry...I have been a little quiet as of late or at least it feels that way. My days consist of meetings, research, writing, the gym, social shenanigans, and coffee. I am off tomorrow though!

I am Arkansas bound! I am going to become a Godmother, which is awesomely exciting. My friend Melissa is my oldest friend in the world. We have been friends since we were two years old. Considering how much I moved around I think it's pretty cool we have remained friends. Melissa is hilarious and quite possibly one of my favorite people in the world, whenever I pick up my phone and hear a super southern accent saying Buh-nan-uh I smile ear to ear and know my day is about to get brighter and funnier. I have been a little stumped as to what to wear while I was there. The weather is about the same as here except much colder at night. I was not sweating it too much until I was talking to Melissa. We spoke today finalizing details, giving her my flight info and she says, " I am so excited for you to meet my friends, I told them it's Sex in the City comes to Arkansas." Well that changes a lot. Gone are my country casual fashion thoughts and hello are my anxious cold sweats. I mean I know it's a casual statement, but it's just funny to me. Melissa despite being a proud mama of 2 boys, being married for a few years now feels more Sex in the City to me then I do. She still goes out, dresses fabulously and has never let motherhood slow her down. I mean this is the same girl who was so excited for her second child to be born she wished she could just take ambien the last two days before his arrival to speed it up. Anyone 9 months pregnant who will admit they wish they could just knock themselves out because they are so excited until their kid is born is a okay with me. She is who she is two kids or not. When we were growing up we played a lot of dress up. I mean a lot. I had sort of an epic collection of dress up clothes, as a pite sized clothes hoarder from a young age. My mom's bridesmaid dresses from her friends were big hits in the dress up circuit. We often would play a version of Madonna. She was always the Madonna of Desperately Seeking Susan variety, a little punk, lace gloves, this was cobbled together by being children of the 80's and an old Halloween costume. I was always the Madonna from Like a Virgin, or Like a Birgin as I said it. I was too embarrassed to say virgin. I did not know what it meant but that it was grown up, and wanted no part of it. That right there in a nutshell is how we meshed and how we differ. We were always at one or the others house growing up. Her family was my second family, and she's my only friend who knew my Dad. Sort of interested to ask her if she remembers anything about him. Melissa always sought adventure and I was always more then happy to comply. One of our family folklore stories is we decided to be pioneers and got ourselves a raft and went exploring in the neighbor's prize winning koi pond. These are two stories that stand out, but Melissa, her family and the times we had are some of my absolute purest and best childhood memories. I love her most for that I think. She always has and will remain a treasured link to the past, and I am lucky enough to still have her in my present.

Melissa always was and remains exciting, slightly rebellious, and up for anything. I am pretty sure it has been at least 20 years since we had a sleep over. Seeing as she was my first friend, sleep over and oldest it's a pretty exciting weekend ahead. Oh and I get to be a Godmother, which I want to be referred to as at all times. Not really, but I am having some fun with it.

Sorry lil bro that you do not have pants on. When not dressing ourselves up a poodle sufficed. 

Melissa and I also did ballet for YEARS together. Sadly I did not have a photo on hand, but this super embarrassing one of me will have to do. 

But do they really?

The 1930's got so much right aside from the whole Depression thing. 

In continuing on my dating and man related musings I have been thinking a lot about weight and attraction. Did everyone get a chance to see the Ashley Madison ad's that are pretty gross and offensive? Don't worry I posted them down below. What has been amazing to me is not just the reaction. Ashley Madison a website geared towards allowing you to cheat on your spouse would not be keeping it too classy so why would their ads be? From them I expect little. I am however amused by their name being close to a plus sized women's clothing brand.  I have however, been really impressed by the reactions. I was reading over at xo.jane in their reaction to the ad and how larger ladies have sex and plenty of it. The article was cool, but the really interesting thing to me was the comment section. Woman after woman talking about how being larger did not impact their love life. A brave man even waded into the comment water. While he was slightly ick I appreciated that he commented and shared his thoughts as someone who thought he had to come out of the fat closet of liking women who did not subscribe to norms.

I'll admit it what spun me less was not a guy saying having sex with large ladies was great, but all the women discussing their weights and sex lives in relation to them. There were multiple women who said they weighed 200 and 300 plus pounds and felt their love lives had not been impacted. This is tough for me to grasp. See now it was told to me a big reason I had to lose weight was for men to like me and find me attractive. The idea that men can find me attractive not thin is a challenging one for me. On the one hand I know men who have found me attractive, they have either told me or tried to see me naked which is pretty proof positive, but I am not sure how much I totally believed and trusted their attraction. While I have my own issue struggling to really believe I am attractive and more importantly offer more then my figure from an attraction stand point what came across to me loud and clear is confidence. I think in some ways I gave off more confidence at 300 plus pounds because I wanted to deflect. I refused to be an overweight wallflower. I overcompensated big time. I went after the hottest guys who came across my path and pursued them undeterred. I would be outrageous, fearless, and just faked, faked, faked that confidence until I thought it had been bought. I do not really do that anymore. I mean occasionally I do, like when I am put on the spot in a meeting with someone. Sure, I will fake it to a degree that I forget I was nervous or unsure, but in a social setting I am a lot less inclined to do this. I feel more confident at the core. I feel more sure of who I am and that being an okay and good thing, but sadly this does not completely translate into my appeal to the opposite sex. It's been said enough and by enough people for me to believe that confidence is sexier then a size. I have embraced and drank this kool-aid.

Okay so we know confidence is probably one of the number one things we're all looking for. Not just men. I know for me a guy who is confident without being an ego maniac is suuuper seksi to me. I mean you're cool with just being who you are and relaxed in that? Hubba hubba. Moving forward I want to change how I display confidence. I do not want to go back to where I was before. I think that girl was a borderline jerk sometimes and it was exhausting. I want to find a way to really internalize that what I think of men and attraction is not so correct. What I was told regarding needing to be thin to get a man was told to me by a woman. What does she know? I mean really. I can not really ignore the fact though that while I have dated since I have lost weight I have not had a dramatic increase in male interest. I sort of thought the weight would come off and the boys would line up. Not really the most realistic plan or well thought out, but I guess I just sort of thought it would take care of itself. I would be able to relax more and not pursue and would be pursued is what I distill from my flawed logic. Here's the real kicker when men do seem genuinely interested in me I am still a little flipped out. I immediately think of all the negatives. I think oh no can't you come back round in a few months when I have more weight off. Why?! They like me now, as I am and they are not stupid. They know when the jeggings come off I am not going to suddenly morph into a size 6, I know this, they are cool with this why do I REFUSE to believe it and just trust it? The short answer would be I am a scaredy cat. The long one I am not sure yet because I have fine arts degrees not ones in psychology unfortunately.

I do know this though you never really know what someone is looking for and just assuming they do not want you is one surefire way to shut something down before it even has a chance. I mean I have liked a huge varied merry band of men, I would like to say liked not necessarily dated, or been in a relationship with. Their looks have had little in common, I've dated guys who were tall, short, different races, wildly different looks. What they did have in common was they were all funny, smart, amused by shenanigans, the character traits link them not the looks. Looking at this and seeing what I myself have been drawn to and how it's about the person and yes a dose of attraction makes me want to approach it a little differently. Why not think just for a second that you're pretty great and have these awesome hips on top of it to offer and he might just like that to? I challenge myself to this...and to quit only going on lady dates with my girlfriends. That certainly is not getting me any closer to dating men even though it is a delightful way to spend an evening.

What do ya'll think? Do you really believe confidence is the answer? How has weight affected your dating life?

I think the most offensive part is these are not even remotely clever ads. 

Oh good a simplified check and x system to make it REALLY clear. 

Also here are links to interviews with the model, who's name is Juicy Jacqulyn ( I love that, I might sneak a juicy into my name somewhere) who's image was used without her knowledge. She's pretty great in her own right, and I loved that a lot of her outrage was in promoting body shaming.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/xojane-interview-juicy-jacqulyn-bbw-model-whos-speaking-out-against-ashley-madisons-size-ist-

http://jezebel.com/5857045/im-the-scary-model-in-that-awful-ashley-madison-ad

Regret

I am not a hugely regretful person. Of course I have some, a lot are fashion choices or things I thought were the epitome of cool and were not, or food related both things I should and should not have eaten. I have a few related to how long I lived my life disconnected and overweight. I get why I did, or I should say I am beginning to. It's not something you can really regret it just happened and I have to accept it and move on. Easier said then done. What I tend to regret most is things I say. These are not things which are hurtful or anything like that. No I am talking about emotional sluttiness.

It's weird getting to know people. I have a less then straightforward history. There is a big mix of good and bad. While my childhood was not awful it was not amazing either. I have a weird relationship with my family, a Dad who dropped dead when I was 16, I had cancer, a lifetime battle with eating disorders, and now a huge weight loss. It's tough to know when to share and when not to. I used to overshare way too much way too fast. I think I did this to see if I could push someone away and it also felt dishonest to me not telling them where I came from. The way I saw it was well if we're friends they are going to learn about it sooner then later. I am better at tempering this now. I am better about slowly but surely letting things out, and just taking the time to get to know someone and letting them know me. I still struggle sometimes with what is over sharing and what is just sharing? I also typically am plagued with these feelings of regret after telling someone things about myself. I want to flee. I want to never see them again. I obsess over it, replay it, cringe, and then eventually end up at regret. I wish I had a history that was all puppies, unicorns and rainbows but I don't and I can not feel ashamed or bad about that. I constantly am afraid that things which happened to me will push people away and I will continue to be victimized by them. How much of this is real and how much I project I do not know. Where it really worries me is with men. At the core I feel like I do not deserve someone who has it together because I am so tainted by the past and every time I get to know someone I feel like I slip down the ladder a little bit after each disclosure. I become THAT girl. The one who seems like she has it together but she's a mess and too much too take on. I feel like this would be a good time to remind myself and everybody fear is not always rational.

I think this is part of why I keep myself on an island. This is why I have lots of different groups of friends I move between, I maintain loose ties to my extended family, and dating scares the absolute bejesus out of me. On my island I am safe. I do not have to worry about rejection. I can feel secure about keeping my secrets to myself and allowing people to know who I want them to know. I am tired of this island though but finding a new way to be is tough. Finding a way to balance my disclosing nature with what a natural pace of knowledge of is tricky. It's different for every relationship and everybody. How do you know when to share what and do you have to?

How does everyone else deal with disclosing their past?

Guest Post

I did a guest post over on Amie's site Running on Healthy. Check it out. Let me know how you think your body image has affected your ability to practice healthy behaviors. Thank you to Amie for guesting, and letting me guest. It's a lot of fun, and anyone who has stumbled upon my blog from it, welcome! Lovely to meet you. 

Oh Dating

Something I do not talk about often is dating. There's no real reason I don't, except I do not date much. I am not a good dater. I get nervous, there are episodes of epic face sweats and I am definitely pre-disposed to going into a creepy nervous version of myself. I would like to be seeing someone and for a little while I got really hopped up on this. I was tired of being alone and felt ready to be with someone. Yeah, I wasn't ready. I was dating someone for a little while and it was stirring the eee-mo-shuns. I was super scared. Scared of actually being with someone, being hurt, and all my insecurities were crashing in on me hard. Let me also be clear. I have zero game. If I am not into someone I can be terribly charming, if I like you I am a fool. I think this is the curse everyone suffers from. I am learning how to be more relaxed and focus less on rejection and more on chemistry. When it does not work it's not because there is anything wrong with you but it just did not work out. This is incredibly hard to keep in mind. I want it to be the old excuse of I was too fat. I am not too fat anymore so I have to challenge myself to actually accept and process that this man might actually like and accept me. Scary.

Anyway back to the guy. We had been dating a little while. Not serious and it was sort of a weird situation. He lives somewhere else so there were travel dates and it was all very exciting. One night we were on the phone. He had actually had quite a bit to drink. He says, " I do not know why you are playing so hard to get. I can get girls hotter then you." Wow. Once I had picked my jaw up I said a thing or two and got off the phone. My feelings were definitely hurt, but also that's probably one of the worst things someone could say to me. I learned something important though, it did not crumple me, and how I dealt with this was revealing. I broke it off with him. I told him straight up drunk or not he meant it on some level, and even if he did not, I did not want to date someone who lashed out when they were not getting what they wanted. It would have been easy for me to stick around. I know how to do that. I know how to be with someone who prays on my insecurities and says things that are crappy. Been there, done that, bored by it. I can keep doing that. I can keep seeing guys who make me feel crappy because they are there and available or I can just bide my time and wait for a great one. I would rather wait.

I have been hanging out with a really great guy. Just hanging, just friendship, but he is really a fantastic person. He is kind, respectful, and nice to me. At first I was confused by him completely. I was hugely doubtful he was actually who he seems to be. I kept waiting for the other side to come out. It never does. He shows up when he is supposed to, he does what he says, and his actions match his words. While tempting to try to make this friendship into something more I am taking a different approach. I am just hanging out. I am learning how to be around someone amazing who makes me feel great around them to guide me in truly believing and seeing that is the type of guy I should be dating. I am also just being myself. I am actually allowing him to see who I am and taking that risk. I am reminding myself that even if this does not end up in romance it's not a failure. I am lucky to have a few great guys in my life who remind me what I should be after and what I need to quit settling for. Their friendship shows me what is possible. Great guys who accept you for who you are. Not icky guys who take their own issues out on you. I know intellectually it's more about them then me, but I also know that I turn this stuff against myself. I am inclined to think if I try harder, work more, be better, more perfect they will change, be happier, like me more. It's exhausting and it certainly is not healthy or sexy.

I have wasted way too much time with guys who did not appreciate me and the worst part is it wasn't their fault. It was mine. I did not appreciate myself and I certainly did not think I deserved someone who had it together. We all have baggage, we all have issues, but it does not mean we have to be with someone broken to hide out with. As much as it scares me I want to challenge myself to date up, and not down. To not seek out the guys I know play to my unhealthy side and bring out the worst in me. I want to surround myself with people who make me want to only put best self forward and who appreciate it and are considerate of it. I have my moments where I want to melt down, think really cuckoo thoughts but then I take a breath, remind myself I am awesome and move this show along.

Guest Post by Amie at Running on Healthy

I love, love, love Amie over at Running on Healthy.  I have really enjoyed reading her blog over the past few months relating to her moving toward maintenance. I appreciate her honesty and admitting it's not easy so I asked her to write about it here. Check out what she had to say below.

“Fears over tomorrow and regrets over yesterday are twin thieves that rob us of the moment.” ~Anonymous

Hi! My name is Amie, and I am the woman behind the blog over at running-on-healthy.com. Anna and I decided it would be fun to do guest post’s on each others blogs, so here I am! I absolutely jumped at the offer to be on DFFA, I think Anna’s writing is witty, honest, and completely intuitive and I find I relate to so many of her posts.

Today I am going to discuss my maintenance journey, but first, a quick background.

I began my weight loss journey in February of 2010, and started my blog shortly after in March. My weight loss was very slow, and very difficult. I became a Vegetarian in November 2010, and a Runner in February 2011. I ran my first official run in May 2011. I stopped losing weight in June, and ran a half marathon in September.

Since June, I have maintained my weight between 121-125lb, which is my goal range. A loss of 70ish pounds, as my highest recorded weight was 191lb.

Something that I didn’t expect happened when I decided I was done with my weight loss. I was gripped by a constant fear of failure. I had just accomplished all of my goals in regards to fitness and weight loss. I achieved everything I set out to do. So now what?

You hear about all of the failures. The people who lose the weight, can’t maintain, and gain it all back. Was I going to become a part of this statistic? Could I really keep this up for the rest of my life? Wait a minute... if feels like just yesterday I was a fat girl, with zero confidence. Where did this body come from? How did this happen so fast?

It felt like my brain had not fully processed that I had lost the weight. Yes. I saw the scale drop. Yes. I went from a size 14 to a size 2. But there were times (and there definitely still are) when I would look in the mirror and be horrified by how large I was.

Since June, the negative personal image and fear of failure have both decreased, although they are not completely gone, nor do I ever think they will be.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that your journey never really ends. There isn’t a day that will ever come in my life where I will feel completely free of my weight struggles, and I think that only people who struggle with their weight will have to deal with this.

Yes, I have achieved enormous success, but I still learn something new every day about my body, my habits, and my search for a healthy life.

It is important to recognize our imperfections. It is equally important to embrace them. Wherever you are in your journey, identify what positive changes you have made in your life, and congratulate yourself on taking the steps to be a healthier you.

If you are close to your goals, if you are far away from your goals, if you are somewhere in between, take a week or two to practice maintenance. Weight loss and weight gain do not appear over night, and being able to understand how your body maintains weight is just as important as understanding calories in vs calories out, weight gain vs weight loss, and happiness and acceptance vs perfection.