So Much Vision So Much Quest

It's been just over a month since I went to Utah but it feels a lot longer. Utah was really amazing. I highly suggest everyone takes a solo mission. It's pretty cool. I loved seeing that part of the country and being in the desert. One of my favorite things was walking at night about a mile to a canyon near the hotel to watch the sunset. Then I would just sit on the bike path and think, write, take photos whatever. The absolute quiet was really amazing. In New York you rarely have space or quiet having an abundance of both was a gift.

Life's been pretty a-okay. I am trying to worry less about some things and worry more about others. I haven't really worried about my weight in a long time and I am making myself think more about that. If I were happy where I am I would just chill and not worry about it. I am not though. I am not happy with where I am. For lots of reasons. Being alone in Utah I realized how much more this break up had upset me because of it stirring old wounds then it being about him. I've been examining some of that stuff. It's hard, and it's emotional. I saw a shaman while I was there for a life path reading and sound healing. It was one of the most amazing and profound experiences I have had. She made me connect with my inner child, really imagine she was in front of me, and interact with her and I almost lost my shit. This is the kind of thing I would usually laugh at, maybe throw an eye roll in but....it was intense. Betina the shaman said a lot of things that were helpful and resonated with me. She said, " I get this sense that you're in a pool and it's not that you don't like it but you want to get out. Maybe lots of kids have gotten in there, maybe you've just had enough, but you're ready to climb out." That is probably one of the best ways of describing how I feel.

It's not that I don't like where or who I am, I just want to climb onward. I know I can't without resolving some of that stuff I still struggle to connect with. I guess part one of resolving it is being open to it. Open to exploring it and not being afraid. I've been doing reiki as well which I HUGELY enjoy and suggest to everyone. It is super cool and helpful. If you struggle with old emotions, seriously, explore reiki.

I'm also taking a writing class which I am loving but I'm mining my life for content and it stirs things up. I feel stirred up and not sure what to do with it. I want to be healthy, but more I want to move forward. I've gained some clarity and feel like more is around the corner because I am defining what I want. I called it a vision quest as a joke, but maybe I did get some vision, but left with a lot of quest.

Dramatic Conclusion

It actually wasn't very dramatic at all. We broke up. He's not ready, needs more time to heal from his divorce, but would like to remain friends and leave the door open for the future. We were exceedingly polite with one another already taking that step back. That's the sort of stuff which kills me. Those can barely put your finger on it things have shifted moments.

Not gonna lie it's been kinda rough. While we weren't together for long, for the most part it/he was pretty great. I think what has made me saddest is just accepting that the timing is wrong. There is nothing to be done, changed or worked on. The only thing that will fix anything is time. Booooo to time, boooooooo.

In a shocking twist of events I did something I am really proud of. Instead of doing the alternate between boozing with friends and hibernating for a few weeks unhealthy coping-palooza I booked a trip. I am going on what I am calling a Lady Vision Quest. I am using the break up as an impetus but really I do just want to pull back and do some thinking. It's difficult to carve this space out in day to day life. Get up, work, gym, dinner, bad tv, I don't always have the brain power to really look at my life and figure out where I want to go. I think this is why therapy is so important to me. It's carved out dedicated time to asking myself questions. I often try to do a lot and get frustrated I can't manage it all. What actually is important to me and needs a place in my life?

So where is this Lady Vision Quest, or LVQ happening? Utah. Yes, Utah. A friend recommended the place and once she showed me some of her pics I was sold. I am fascinated by the west and deserts. No idea why, but I am. I've also been talking about (for years if I'm honest) taking a solo trip. It's so funny how if you just relax and be, things happen in the right time. I wasn't ready to take a solo trip, now I cannot wait. Previous anxieties I had around it, nope they're gone. I cannot wait to be alone. His birthday is also next week and I'll be hiking Zion National Park during it which I think is a good thing. No moping, no obsessing just hiking. I am also doing some serious hippy stuff which I cannot wait for. Chakra balancing, yes please. Life path reading and sound healing, yup sign me up. I mean when else am I going to do it and seriously and most importantly why not? Give me all the crystals.

Now...as for the dude. I feel like we might have a round two. I am not going to wait around for it or live in expectation of it. I just do not feel like it is outside the realm of possibility. I told him I couldn't be friends off the bat because it would be too hard. I'm pleased I continued to be honest and take care of myself, but lets also be real someone who is healing what kind of friend can they be? We weren't friends to begin with so why would we be now? I guess my goal is to be friendly but not so sure about friends. I've also instituted a 30 No Contact Order (on myself he doesn't know about it) and it's been 9 days since we spoke and it's already driving me nuts. It's a must to reset the boundaries and to not be his teacher of how to experience emotions, but it's hard. It's also starting to affect my ego a little that he has not contacted me even though I said I needed space. Brains. They're weird right? One of my don't text him techniques is to send a friend silly animal photos.

The biggest thing is even though I'm sad and a little muddled I'm taking care of myself. No eating of feelings, kept to my gym routine, started meditating, which I HIGHLY recommend and feel like I am boosting myself instead of wallowing. When you're sad it's nice to actually be kind to yourself in true ways instead of mac and cheese (there was some of that) I suggest it. My friends have also been truly amazing and supportive and that's been dreamy and so helpful. If people sucked I'd really be lost.

So, I ask you all any tips? Any advice on how to sit on my hands and not text? Friends ya or nay?

Yep, I made a countdown calendar. 

Pretty sure I can do some thinking here. 

Between hiking and chakra balancing I need to experience this museum.

Yes I did buy this for trip journaling. It feels very desert appropriate and can be used for meetings post-trip. Sold. 

Yep, legit texted him this during break up convo. Everyone meet the seal of sadness. 

A few other things helping me:

I am L-O-V-I-N-G this app for meditation:

https://www.headspace.com/

This lady knows the things:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/


Thank you Jessie Ware for a peppy heart hurty song.

My friend Aurora made this mix and it was actually pre-split but it was like she just knew....the #1 Dads song....blurrrrrghhh, exercise caution. I am however thoroughly addicted to this mix.

Well Damn

I mentioned I was seeing someone. I mentioned he's divorced. Dear lord....can a girl just get a break from some baggage? He's a great guy but he has all the feels and all the e-mo-shuns. He was away on vacation and had been a lovely gem, he returns and is less then 5 miles away from me and he's Eeyore.
Nope not cool. I had noticed a shift prior to him leaving but thought, eh he's burned out needs a vacation, I'm not going to worry too much about it. When he returned I realized now I have to worry about it.

I had given him the head's up I wanted to talk about some stuff. That alone made me feel a million times better, but last night we finally had the sit down. When he met me at the restaurant he kissed me on the cheek. Oof. We sat down, made some awkward conversation and finally he broached things. We ended up having a really good talk. I mean not so good in the fact that he's not sure he can do this. He thought he was further along in processing his divorce but seeing me has brought a lot of things up for him.

Some of this was hard to hear, some of it I knew, some of it was surprising, but I didn't really get upset. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I have ever had with someone I am/was dating. I was completely honest with him saying I can deal with his heavy but I need him to communicate with me and to either be in or out. I said I can't do the dancing around everything not being okay.

Timing is the worst. He said you're the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. You make me incredibly happy but I don't know if I can do the work I need to do and be with you. I get that and I've sort of worried about it since this all kicked off. While it's a bummer I feel a sense of calm because I did everything I could do, not in the sense of compromising myself like I may have done in the past. Being whatever he wanted me to be, or trying to make him happy. I clearly laid out what my boundaries were, and what I needed.

We left it at he was going to take some time to think. Who knows if his point will change. I think I did make him rethink some of it because he's been in his head. We also had a petite make out when we parted, take that cheek kiss, but I have absolutely no control in the situation. I am strangely okay with that. It will be what it's supposed to be.

This morning I got up and made myself put on a cute outfit and put a little more effort into my make up because I took care of myself last night, I should take care of myself today. Striving to be authentic can suck and means you may not get what you "want" but it does mean you get what you need which ultimately feels a bajillion times better. I'll remind myself of that tonight when I'm tempted to drink all the wine.

About That...

I never mean to stay away for so long. It just happens. For the most part my life is pretty much the same. At the same job, doing the same things, just sweating more. However there is a notable difference. I met somebody, and he's pretty great.

He's another reason for me to thank the interwebz for what it continues to bring into my life. When he and I first started seeing each other I joked with my friends that he was a Dreamboat, and essentially that's what his nickname has stayed. Seeing as I am in my thirties, yes last week I turned 34 but lets ignore that shall we? Gross. 34 is undeniably adult. Anywayz....he's pretty great and I haven't really ever dated anyone like him. All that stuff people tell you about how meeting someone should be it kinda has been. He does what he says, his actions match his words and the stuff that's important to me and I value he seems to as well.

At first it was literally dreamy. He was kinda perfect. Not that he isn't dreamy anymore but reality does creep in. He's divorced and sometimes I feel like I am dating him and his divorce which kinda sucks but everyone has baggage I suppose. For right now I can deal and I am totally cool with how we're pacing things if that changes I'll reassess. All I can do right? He's not ready for a serious relationship and it's tough to block out my friends voices saying that means he doesn't want one with me. I don't think that is the case. I think he is genuinely afraid to dive back in, and truthfully I don't blame him. I also have my own concerns. I definitely really like him, but where he's at trying to fix himself post divorce do I want to sign up for that? I don't have answers yet so no point in running away in the meantime.

We went away together 2 weeks ago and managed to spend 3 nights together in a cabin without any disasters. It was really fun and insightful starting to learn that stuff. When he's relaxed and sleepy he seems distant. He's actually content. I'm learning where my own stuff creeps into the picture. He was supposed to go away with me last weekend but we bailed out of that because he was having a bit of a freak out. It felt good for me to lay down some boundaries and to also be really clear on this is his ish and it's not a reflection of me, my worth or how he feels about me. Progress!

Who knows what will happen or if we'll continue bobbing along but I hope so. Outlook, cautiously optimistic.

How's everyone else doing? Summer's been dreamy?

Keep Calm and Rebrand

Lately life has felt a little like trying to dig myself out of an avalanche. Work has been beyond insane. 

The network is rebranding and while it's been an amazing experience. It's not one I want to relive again anytime soon. In the midst of all this though...I met someone. 

First up there was Hedgie, he was a guy who approached me at a party we got to talking he tried to get me to come home and make out with him. I politely refused but said good try and then we swapped numbers. He kept it pretty smooth, called me, texted me, set up plans for the following weekend. I saw him on a Saturday and went over to his apartment to hang out. I walked through the door and he shoved me against the wall and kissed me. I was a bit shocked but it wasn't unwelcome. He then said sorry I've been thinking about doing that all week. Mmmkay. I heard from him Sunday and then after that not a peep. Oh these hot and heavy fellas. I knew he wasn't anything serious or going to be someone I dated. He managed a hedge fund and while he said he wasn't one of those finance guys, I mean if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. I hardly think the finance guy debate is something exclusive to NY but they just don't tend to be my kinda guy. I find them often a remote and aloof, and having big egos. Not really my thing. 

Despite Hedgie being a no go, I really didn't care. It was definitely fun and made me see how much I did miss dating and actual viable romantic options. I was not flattened by the rejection, and felt very clear on the fact that it was something to do with him not me. That being said to distract myself I made my way back over to the interwebz. A guy messaged me and he's 4 years younger, and pretty good looking at first I was like um no, this is clearly a mistake. I messaged him back we started going back and forth, swapped numbers and I kinda left it at that. Thought well huh, he's actually pretty cool we'll see. A few days later I was back on the interwebz and he messaged me so I took a chance and texted back saying are you flirting with me online when you could text me? We texted from 9:30pm until 4:30am because clearly I am 15. Things just kind of took off from there, a lot of texting which I was a little nervous about. Texting does not equal a relationship and I've made the mistake of liking someone's digital personality more then there actual one before. That is a bummer let me tell you. As the time creeps by though I start to actually have a crush. Then we met, then we continued the texting, then we hung out again, and then he pulled away a bit. 

Staying grounded is so tricky isn't it? It's not normal to be in constant contact all day. That is not real life, but it sure does provide a high. I saw him Saturday, didn't hear from Sunday, and then didn't hear from him Monday until I texted. I was losing my mind, and writing him off, and this is all crazy. Monday night he checked in, said he had an awful day, and I was like sigh all is right in the world. Tuesday, I shook myself and was like GET A GRIP WOMAN. He's not the first dude you've liked he won't be the last. Maybe he's really busy at work and it's not going well, maybe he's doing a slow fade, who knows but you'll be okay. I was going to initiate plans for Friday but instead I made them with another friend. I mean what kind of message does you can ramp it down and get plans? Not a good one, and not one I want to send. I'm way more work then that. I'm going to practice what I preach, I know I'm enough so I am not going to convince him that I am. I'm going to sit on my hands and do nothing, he'll either wander back or he won't in the meantime I have a network to re-launch. 

And Now a Note from the Universe

No bigs but I have an in with the Universe. Yes, the Universe. Actually my friend gets these Notes From the Universe and occasionally she would forward them to me, like a horoscope. Can you believe how spot on this is, or hmph maybe I do need to think about this. Anyway, I had been meaning to sign up for a million years. Never did. I did last week. It's pretty cool, you set some intentions and they send you an email every day if you select that option. I'm not big on affirmations. In fact I loathe them. They're just super trite to me, but I do believe that thoughts become actions and your words and inner dialogue have a huge amount of power.

I have been treated to two this week that gave me pause, and stumbled upon another quote courtesy of tumblr I loved.

For the record The Universe is a bit cheeky:

Anna, it's one kind of victory to slay a beast, move a mountain, and cross a chasm, but it's another kind altogether to realize that the beast, the mountain, and the chasm were of your own design. 

Hubba, hubba -     The Universe

Anna, avoid gray areas. There, the illusion of safety is guarded by the lies of "maybe," "sometime," and "I don't know." There is a truth. There is a way. Life is absolute, and its principles exacting. If you put it out "there," it has to come back. Ask, and it must be revealed. Think, speak, and move with your desires, and nothing will ever be the same. 

Tallyho,    The Universe

Tumblr Quote:

"We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love." - Lori Deschene 

Oh Hey There

Wow I've been away for a while haven't I? It's one of those things where the more time that went by the easier it was not to do.

Life's been good and just cruising along. I went to Australia, and Paris, I've been interviewing for another job. I had a brief weird guy moment. I've been learning. Always learning. What I've been learning is that the changes we make are often not these huge things they are these shifts. They're these tiny little things that start to add up and can probably only be appreciated by you. Not the sexiest thing but so worth marveling. 

I see it in these weird places with my mom it's having the patience to say I don't define or subscribe to the same beauty ideals as you. In a job interview asking why am I here? For the record I did not think I was right for the company but then learned I am. For the dude it's realizing he doesn't like himself and therefore can't like me. What all of this has in common is a subtle shift of not thinking it's about me, a reflection of me or my worth. It's also not being afraid to take care of myself and state what I need.

As for the weightloss I've been killing it at the gym and eating wise I've been doing well. I'm again learning things. Maybe some days I don't automatically need to have a snack because it's snack time. It's the little things. I've been doing the little things and learning their value. 

Overall I'm good, rattling around in my head. Missing you all and ready for spring. Catch me up loves, what's new? What's the best? The worst? The worst to me is snow predicted for tonight. 

Flat

I've debated in my head whether or not to go into this but I figure I generally share snippets of my life and struggles here so this shouldn't be any different. For the past few months I have been feeling different. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I kept putting it down to being sick, or my job being stressful, being tired, this that and the other. Then I realized I might be depressed. 

Depression is a weird thing. I have definitely had moments of it, but it's usually very brief for me and it's taken care of itself. What I actually began to explore though is have I always had these ups and downs and covered them up? Have I used food, pot, putting on a happy face in the past? This is very possible. What's been sort of freeing and weird is I am not sad, or anything I am just really flat. I usually feel capable of being a 10, bright, interesting, funny, blah, blah blah, but lately I feel like I hover at a 7. What's been cool is I don't feel apologetic about it. I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, but it is annoying. It was really brought home to me when I went to Australia. I was like this is so cool, but I just did not feel like I was reacting with my usual levels of enthusiasm. I constantly feel like there's a wall between me and other things. I also just feel this sense of apathy. Kitchen's a mess, meh who cares, haven't mailed that form in, whatever that's what tomorrow is for, this is not good. 

I snapped to and went to see a psychiatrist, who works with eating disorder patients. He was really cool and SUPER interesting. He's like this is extremely common, food is a form of self medication, and you do probably have a depressive disorder. Okay cool, now what? He put me on a mild dose of wellbutrin, and explained it helps boost the levels of dopamine in my brain by getting my brain to produce more. Well that sounds great lets begin! I do feel a bit better a week later, but really sure this is a placebo affect at play. What was really interesting is what he explained to me about sugar and dopamine and carbs and serotonin how certain food cravings can suggest what chemicals your brain could be having a hard time producing. He also explained while he can't eliminate my predisposition to addiction he can help reduce it and make it easier for me to stay in control of it. Yes please. I HIGHLY suggest everyone watches this Ted video about how sugar affects the brain. I mean I highly doubt I will ever not want to eat all the sweet things, but it would be nice to be able to have a cookie. A cookie. Not all the cookies. 

I'm not big on not dealing with things so that's why I sought out some help and answers. The biggest thing that motivated me though was I've done a lot on my own, and gotten some amazing results. What if I could keep doing the same things with some help, if the flatness and fogginess could be decreased, if I could not be wasting my energy just trying to keep up, but I could be moving forward. 

A side effect of wellbutrin can be weight loss, and I would 100% be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me, but more then anything feeling like myself would ultimately be the best thing.