You Can Run...but You Can't Hide

You know when you sorta suspect something but you just don't want to deal with it? Yeah...that was what I had been doing with my weight. As in the actual number. I knew I was up a little, I knew some clothes were a little tighter, but I had no clue what the number was.

This past weekend when my friend was in town I got clobbered by being sick. We ended up at urgent care on Saturday. Everyone's NY hotspot. They weighed me. I saw. I weigh approximately 17-22 pounds more then I thought. I was shocked. I have two alert numbers. I am past both. I am higher then I have probably been in at least a year and a half if not two. The good news is part of how the denial happened is my body hasn't not changed that much because my exercise regime has stayed rigorous. How annoying though. If I actually gave my 100% I might have been pleasantly surprised by the number instead of wanting to burst into tears.

I know it does not define me and it's not really the number that bothers me. What bothers me is the shock I felt was VERY similar to when a friend talked me into going to Weight Watchers with him pre-nutritionist, and I weighed 20 pounds more then I thought and it was over 300 pounds. My worst fear is to blink and be back there. What it stirred for me is that fear. If I don't stay vigilant I will slip back but living vigilant isn't really living. I am tired of feeling punished. I am tired of constantly having to do more. I am tired of feeling like I will never get there wherever that is.

While there is a lot I could do differently I work pretty hard at being healthy. I work out a minimum of 5 days a week doing cardio on my own, I work with my trainer 3 days, I make it to yoga 1 day a week, I prepare my lunches that are under 500 calories, I pack my snacks often fruit or veggie based,  I make healthy dinners and yet it's not enough. I eat out 1-2 times a week, I drink alcohol 1-2 times a week, and I eat dark chocolate or some sort of sweet either at lunch or dinner but not both meals. I hardly feel like how I live, eat, and behave should have resulted in a 20 pound weight gain. It feels so unfair and frustrating. I however look at small things and do not look at the overall picture. An extra glass of wine here, a workout cut by 15 minutes here, a few cookies there, it all adds up. Every day you have to be aware of your choices. Every day.

I refuse to live my life on a diet. Refuse. It messes with my head and leaves me unhappy. How do you pursue weight loss goals, but lose diet mentality and not feel ruled by calories, portions and choices? How do you find balance? I have no idea. My therapist told me to think of now in order to move forward as temporary. Is it really? I really struggle to accept that I won't live the rest of my life hyper vigilant or exhausted by that vigilance. That there is some in between.

I'm bummed about the number but not hugely surprised. I also feel better knowing what it is. Knowing it, I can address it. It forced me out of denial. It forced me to look at some of my patterns and behaviors that have been warning signs, that I ignored. It also made me get real about some other stuff. I'm not really dating and I don't really want to. I don't feel good about myself right now and I dabble in some things to try to distract from that. I deactivated my profiles and it felt good. A big relief, like knowing the number in some ways. I was no longer hiding.

I also have to clean up some other areas of my life. I have hung on to some relationships that I don't think I really need anymore. I get worried, much like I do about moving forward about what will happen. If I dare to just not be nice anymore. Not saying I would be actively mean, but continuing to put energy into relationships that your heart and interest are not in anymore seems a lot more mean then letting them fade out. In other ones, I have a big ole question of how does this serve me? or what do I get out of this? One of them, not a damn thing and I have to walk away. It's rough, but this person is reckless and makes me feel bad about myself. I struggle enough to keep my head above low self esteem water I don't need help falling under.

All of this swirling makes me think May will be a month I try, best I can to focus on self improvement. Not from a place of who and what I am now not being good enough, but where and what do I want to do. It's really easy to get distracted from yourself, your goals, and wants. I actively allow it and I am not sure why. I guess I want to keep chipping at that reason I get so consistently in my own way.

Thursday's Friday Picks

I am trying not to panic but I feel like total garbage and my oldest friend in whole entire world arrives tomorrow at 10am from Arkansas. Eeeeeeeeeek! I am drinking green juice, taking vitamins, and praying for a wellness miracle. On a positive note if I'm sickie this weekend and living on cold meds, then I have to scale back the boozing. One way to save some calories.

I've been trying to do le tour de interwebz on Fridays, but I am gonna go ahead and do one today. What I've been digging this week below:

1. We're getting mani's and pedi's tomorrow and I CANNOT WAIT. I am an Essie girl and with the weather warming up I want seer your eyeballs hot pink, however I think the below hot coral might be 

a good warm up. 

2. I wanna go to all of these.

3. Yesssssssss 1 month and 1 day to go. 

4. Would it be creepy to use other people's photos? 

5. Self-Sabatoging is soooooo 2000-later 

6. I am going to see this on Sunday. This review made me even more excited. 

7. My reluctance to fully embrace self care made me find this post verrrrry interesting. 

8. Jessie Ware I already hearted you, but then you went and did this. 

9. F-I-N-A-L-L-Y this album is out. 

10.. Get on my feet. 

Can I be in Your Club?

I definitely have a cardio routine down pat. I have my favored machines, times, music the whole nine. This makes me in a complete and total rut. I run from time to time but I fall in and out of it. I get bored, and the mental roadblocks get me down. Most of the time when I was running I realized a lot of what held me back was mental. I would get freaked out of nowhere that I was going to fly off the treadmill, or push myself to the point of panicking I would never breathe again. It also made me self conscious. There's nothing like running to make you dial into everything that jiggles, or the force it takes to keep picking your body up and moving it forward. 

Jesse, the trainer I have been working with now for some time pushes me A LOT. We do varied workouts, and he pushes specifically my cardio. He continues to help build up my confidence and manage my fears. When I say I am afraid of x, he offers solutions, or explains why that wouldn't happen. He also most importantly helps me reach my goals. A few months ago I told him I wanted to get better at running. I wanted to improve my form, my speed, and my distance. He leapt on this and has not let me slack on it. He makes me do drills with him, and gives me workouts to do on my own. 

Running like yoga is something I have always wanted to say I did. Not just to look cool, but it was a club I wanted to belong to. The people who did it enjoyed it, and felt rewarded by it. I have kept at the running and now I do run faster. I do feel less jiggle. It makes me feel like my movement and mental state are aligned. The past few weeks I have felt progress. I feel leaner when I run. My stride has improved. I focus more on how much stronger my core feels then how my butt jiggles. 

What's nice about saying a goal out loud and being helped to achieve it is the sense of reward and accomplishment you feel that is pretty much entirely your own. No one can take it away from me. Something I have dialed into lately about what holds me back is this fear of things being taken away from me. I don't really believe I will maintain a healthy weight, I'll regain it. I won't really be able to stay healthy, someone will disrupt it. Running has become this metaphor I can't ignore. I want independence. I want to be able to support my goals no matter what and not be dependent on others. I want to be in my own club and stay there. 

Josey Grossy Lives

It would appear last Saturday I got confused. Instead of realizing the Knicks won game one of the playoffs I drank like they had won the whole championship. I also did not eat. I am not really sure why I paired these two things together. I am worn out of baffling myself. 

Lately I have been keeping it pretty balanced. I have been working hard with Jesse, running more, eating well, and I have had some results from it. Last month I lost 4.75 inches from my body bringing my 12 week total to 10.75. I mean that's almost a foot. Crazy. So why did I go off the rails and not just off the rails I restricted my food intake and binged on my alcohol. 

I still do not completely trust myself to take care of myself. I don't trust myself not to self destruct. Not to push myself off the balance beam. It's always feels like a matter of time. I feel often in this healthy world like an impostor. I am not thin therefore I do not completely belong. I like who I am, but what I look like I feel still proceeds me and it grates on me. I am frustrated where I am but am unsure how to move forward. Soup for brains usually equals unhealthy behaviors on my part. 

Now the real crap part of this weekend is a friend of mine and I got into a fight. We have an odd relationship. It's a little flirty but I am pretty clear on where the line is with him. I don't want more then what he offers because he offers very little. He's a lot of fun but tremendously a work in progress. I want someone a little more progress less work. We're affectionate, but in my mind no lines are crossed no steps are taken, and if anything he pushes it more then me. So we're bickering and at some point he says to me, "Don't try to sex me A.T." Gross. What a gross end to a gross night. I spluttered and said some stuff back but we have to have a proper chat about this. The statement was gross and unwarranted and I have to clear the air. 

Sunday as I lay on my couch barely living regretting the night before. Regretting not taking care of myself, knowing I am worth better behavior, better care, and better words I felt comforted by that line of thought. Climbing out of patterns and old behaviors takes seeing them right? A step in getting more for yourself is wanting it and thinking you deserve it. 

A Lil Round Up

I got lots I've been thinking on but no real sentences formed yet. Don't you hate when that happens? I do have enough wits about me for a list! Yippe!



1. Happy New Boobies Ami! Read about her follow up here.

2. It's been a year and a day since my own surgery, if you wanna relive the wing be gone magic it's here.

3. I L-O-V-E this rebuttal to the infamous Dove video making the rounds. Yes, in theory it's cool, but what's even cooler is not emphasizing that beauty is the most important thing that matters.

4. I am thinking about doing this. I know some of you have done half marathons. Tell me everything and I mean literally everything pretty please.

5. Ami over at Running Healthy wrote one of the most beautifully written emotionally raw honest entries about her history. It's one of those you love/hate. Love the honesty and the writing, hate the actions of those it's about.

6. Thanks to my friend Alexis, I get to see Amar'e Stoudemire of the Knicks tonight in the flesh. I am so gonna get a restraining order thrown at me, #worthit.

7. Really love this on being weird, and she's a delight.

8. Ugh, Boston. What is there to say? Unbelievably tragic. I have lots of friends in Boston and have thought of them all week. My friend Olivia who used to teach me yoga, as usual overwhelmed me with her kick ass attitude. She left NY moved back to Boston, started a theater company, went back to school and still teaches yoga. That's the quick version. After the events in Boston she very quickly used her various social media outlets to show support to those affected, and fundraise. That's how the people of Boston roll. They are made of stern and tough stuff that will not bend to cowardly violence.

9. Old news, but still fascinating.

10. R. Kelly makes everything better.  Or at least more amusing.

Le Tour de Interwebz

I was going to write something incredibly witty, and life altering, ( I am both sarcastic and VERY humble, said sarcastically) but I am under the weather and have a Knicks game lady date tonight I need to conserve my energy for. You know when bloggers do a list post of things around the interwebz? 

I kinda live for those, so I am going to do that today. Lemme know if I missed anything earth shattering pretty please. 

1. I am LOVING this album. 

2. I knew the lady behind Rodin would be unspeakably chic, and swoon worthy. Can we discuss her being 65? New life goal, wear leather pants & hot pink lipstick in 60's. Check back in less then 30 years, bluuurghhhhhhh to that admittance. 

3. I sent this video to a client by accident, instead of their final videos. It was worth it. 

4. I can't with this girl's typography or wit. 

5. Interesting post about body acceptance even if you want to lose a few pounds, can it be done? 

6.  These Shoes. 

7. This recipe. In my mouth now. Go. 

8. This fam's trip to the Philippines, think they'll adopt me? 

9. So this exists, you're welcome. 

10. Who wants to go reenact Designing Women with me here? 

Food Ruts and Quinoa Salad

I get into such food ruts. For the most part of find it pretty comforting, eating the same things day in and day out, and then one day I can take it no more. I noticed recently that I was hungry a lot of the time right after eating meals. In chatting with Stephanie (new nutritionist) we theorized that I was pretty bored and that would be affecting my satiation. 

She challenged me this week when making my lunch for every single lunch to be different. I sort of squeaked and said FIVE unique lunches?! Then I calmed the eff down because it's lunch not molecular biology and I can handle it and like a challenge. It hasn't been too bad. She also gave me a head start with a delicious recipe I suggest. I cut it in half because for (4) portions because I wasn't going to be having it all week for lunch. The recipe is from Vegetarian Times, and modified a lil by the two of us. 

The key to keep it interesting for me has been staying one meal ahead. Generally I have been making dinner and while it's cooking preparing snacks for the next day, and portioning off dinner for lunch the next day. Dinner's I have repeated meals, because it's hard to cook for one, and not have leftovers. I have tried to not repeat back to back nights so there is still some variety. 

Next up is varying my breakfasts, and snacks. I am definitely over my usuals. If anyone has any suggestions, please, please, please share them!!

Wheat Berry Salad or Quinoa Salad ( for 8 servings) 

• 1 cup wheat berries  ( I used quinoa because 1. I had it on hand, and 2. it takes 15 mins to make)
• 2 15-oz. cans chickpeas, rinsed and drained
• 2 small bulbs fennel, chopped (1 ½ cups) (left these out) 
• ½ cup golden raisins
• 4 green onions, trimmed and thinly sliced (½ cup)
• 16 pitted large green olives, coarsely chopped ( used capers instead about 1/3 a cup)
• 1 5-oz. bag arugula or baby spinach (6 cups)
• 3 oz. aged goat cheese, crumbled (¾ cup)
• ¼ cup shelled pistachio nuts, coarsely chopped

Honey-Balsamic Dressing

• 3 ½ Tbs. balsamic vinegar
• 3 ½ Tbs. honey

1. To make Wheat Berry Salad: Bring 4 cups water to a boil in saucepan. Add wheat berries, reduce heat to low, and simmer, partially covered, 1 hour, or until grains are tender, adding more water as necessary. Cool in covered pan, then drain if necessary.

2. Toss together wheat berries, chickpeas, fennel, raisins, green onions, and olives. Refrigerate up to 3 days.

3. To make Honey-Balsamic Dressing: Place balsamic vinegar and honey in small plastic container with lid, cover, and shake to combine.

4. To serve: Toss arugula with 3 Tbs. Honey-Balsamic Dressing in bowl. Toss wheat berry mixture with goat cheese, pistachios and remaining dressing. Divide arugula among eight plates. Top with Wheat Berry Salad, and serve.

As prepared nutritional stats:

Per Serving:

• Calories: 343
• Protein: 13 g
• Total Fat: 9 g
• Saturated Fat: 2.5 g
• Carbohydrates: 54 g
• Cholesterol: 8 mg
• Sodium: 485 mg
• Fiber: 9 g
• Sugar: 19 g

An Infographic I Can Get Down With

How To Burn Over 2900 More Calories Every Week infographic