I have no idea what it's really about. I have some guesses. What it boils down to in my guessing is you can only outrun yourself and past for so long. I think I have resolved things just to encounter a new phase of them. Despite my wanting a relationship I am completely, totally, and utterly terrified of one. I also finally acknowledged I fundamentally do not believe someone will ever truly accept me. I know intellectually that is not true, but my personal history has not shown that. More then anything I want to let go of the past, and learn how to move into the present without the ghosts interrupting and discounting what I am trying to learn and move forward with the knowledge of. I am toying with the idea of returning to therapy because I think some of the work I need to do is not really within my grasp to do alone. I have avoided it for months but a lot of what I am struggling with has so much less to do with food, and weight and so much more to do with letting go. I feel until I can let go, and move on I can not move forward and I do not know how to do that. I do know staying in this place will take me down further because I will start to feel worse and worse so better to get some help and direction then stumble along wanting anything and everything to be THE solution. It so rarely is.
I am burnt out for realz. I am burnt out on my life, my work, and everything that comes with it. I think I need a vacation real bad. I also think that being burnt out makes it hard for me to get to the bottom of what is actually wrong with me. I do not feel unhappy per se. I just feel stuck. I feel incredibly stuck and apathetic. Not so good. I do not want to feel that way and feel like for the past few months I have put it down to this or that and while I think these things are a factor they are not the whole shebang. My mind obviously impacts my relationship with food and there has been some fall out. I am not really moving forward. I am sort of always teetering between healthy and what can I get away with. This is not mindful. It's trying to eat emotionally with less of a weight gain impact. I need to acknowledge this to address it and I have not been. The alcohol is not helping matters either. It's not particularly healthy and I have a hard time finding balance with it. I am constantly afraid of gaining weight and I know it's not because of irrational fears but because of my behavior and that makes me feel worse.
All of that being said, great timing for a birthday! I actually needed the boost. We went out Thursday night and my co-workers are also great friends of mine so it was a delightful time. I mean we spend a ridiculous amount of time together so it transcends the usual work boundaries. We had a lot of fun and were at the Ace Hotel which I highly recommend if you're in NYC, because besides being a great place to hang you can also order food from Breslin which is a toughie to get in to. We had Breslin burgers which were one of the nomiest burgers I've had in a while. Then we went downtown where I was treated a few dances with a smokin' hot rugby player. I got to see people I had not seen in a while, hang with people I feel lucky to work with and go out with. Overall a great time. Friday I was hurting but not dying. I crawled into work at 10:45 am not too shabby considering my head did not touch the pillow until after 3am. The not so fun part about Friday our AC was not really working and it was the hottest day on record since I don't remember but a very long time. I had dinner with my mom and brother and told my brother he would be able to spot me in the back as the hung over sweaty girl. That's me, always keeping it classy.
Saturday I went out with friends and it was good again to see some I had not seen in a while. Many friends had to beg off for a variety of reasons and I was so much less bothered by it then I would have thought. I think having had the epic Thursday birthday night I just did not care so much. I had a great birthday but at this point I was a little birthday'ed out. My friend Katie though did was she is great at and made the night special. She surprised me with a thoughtful gift of a Tocca candle which I love and cake! I was also touched by those who came because the place I choice was a little off the beaten path, sorry Brooklyners. As for the cake it was not just any cake, but a giant cupcake cake! This brought my bday gluttony to....a bacon cheeseburger, a lot of vodka sodas, cheescake brownies, a pork cutlet fried sandwich, peach pie, a brownie cupcake from Crumbs and now cupcake cake from Crumbs. I would bleed buttercream I think at this point. I feel grosser just listing it, this is the downside to accountability. I was given the remaining cake to take home and at 3am made the decision after a few forkfuls of icing it had to go. I walked out into my hallway in my nightgown at 3:30am in the morning to throw it out. I did not care if I was being noisy or found braless in a nightgown outside my apartment by my neighbors. It had to go. What's worse eating a ton in the middle of the night or another slice each day for a few days? I had to cut the calorie damage.
The party is literally over and maybe the cobwebs are clearing from my mind a little. I need to cut the mindless eating, and the emotional from feeling out of control. I can not control my life, but I can control my food and my choices. I also it would appear can throw cake out in the middle of the night in a nightgown. Who knew?
|Amazing giant cupcake cake!|