Relax and Be Yourself

I feel like lately on the blog I like to state and explore really trite phrases people trot out. I have found though part of why I hate them so much is because there is more truth then I care to admit. Lately I have been just relaxing and being myself. For the most part it's making me happier, more relaxed and I am benefiting from it. Why is it so hard to do and why do we avoid it so much? I know for me so much of it comes from fear and just plain ole not liking the answer right in front of my face.

I can't relax with food because what if I lose my shit and eat all the things? When I take a honest look at my behavior and how I eat I see this does not really happen. It's a self imposed fear myth I make myself live under that is not reality. When I relax and be myself I eat pretty well because it makes me feel better. These days and past few years if I take a break from criticizing myself I value what makes me feel better more, not because it's pro-weight loss or "good". I define eating well as mostly whole foods, with a mix of protein, fat and carbs, minimizing the processed and mindless. When I stay checked in and focused on what do I want and what makes me feel good, I don't want all the brownies, and the candy. I really don't. Someone offered me half a brownie yesterday and I said no and I didn't praise myself for it, or think I had done some unbelievable thing. I didn't want it so I didn't eat it. I can have a brownie whenever I want so why eat one when I don't? Plus I'm a brownie snob not a brownie slut. Get the brownie you actually want when you want a brownie not the first one that comes a calling.

As for the life....the crush I wrote about...well I'm finding my way. I haven't just shut it down. His attention is still around and I still do not completely know what to do with it. We text most days, we see each other often and I am just relaxing. I have no idea what it all means. I am just going to be myself. This weekend that included post a few drinkies asking him to hang out. He had plans but I put myself out there. I saw him the next day and was tempted to feel dumb and foolish. He teased me a bit because he knew I was tipsy, but I thought why are you feeling dumb? Do you regret it? No. He said he already had plans but wished he could co-conspire, why are you being weird? I want immediate gratification for taking a risk and that's just a really good way to stop taking risks because that isn't really the deal. You just have to take action don't ya? Can't really worry about the outcome unfortunately.

What I am not doing which has been a negative pattern is changing myself to force the result. I am not playing to anything, I am not trying to be better, smarter, funnier, whatever quality I ID myself to be lacking and them wanting that is completely made up in my mind. I don't know what they're thinking, I don't know what I should be more of. I really don't. The only thing I can do and do well is be myself. If I just relax and try not to control the outcome, or force the result I am my best version of myself. The best thing about being that version is generally it attracts and brings the things into my life which should be and belong there.

Crush Crunched

I've been doing things a little bit differently lately. I have not been worrying about my weight. I have been eating mindfully and trying to believe in the trust I have in myself. Amazing that not worrying about your weight helps you lose weight. 

I have felt free from the constant unrelenting pressure to try harder, eat less, workout more, push myself further. I have tried to drift and find my own way a little more. I pushed when I felt strong, I backed off when I felt sore. I ate what I felt like concentrating on what makes me feel good, healthy, and my body likes. I strove less to control things and just said what do you want? How do you feel? What do you need? I wasn't feeling fruit this week so I didn't eat much of it and I didn't lecture myself over it. It's been pretty nice. 

In the midst of all this reshuffling someone's come into my path. At first I was like cute, but whatever. Then we actually hit it off. I let my guard down, and I went into full blown crush mode. After a lovely several week flirtation he's pulled back and I am baffled and sad. I thought I just liked the attention. It's worse then that I like him. 

My nutritionist pointed out you're making yourself vulnerable in both your food choices and in your life and it's shifting your thinking I want you to keep pushing this. Scary. I ate fig and brie mac and cheese this week. Twice. I ate what I wanted, not the whole thing, because I let myself have it. I didn't make it into anything but mac and cheese as a side dish to turkey meatballs and greens. 

I see and feel progress with food and my body. I find myself being more positive, confident, supportive. I find myself encouraging myself instead of chastising. When it comes to the fellas though I still feel this sense of scaredy cat gulp. My friends say he probably thinks you don't like him and backed off you need to hold his hand a little. This scares the crap out of me. The past month or so though being open, being more vulnerable has certainly enriched my life. I just feel torn as to whether this person was a lesson for the future or is something I should pursue now. 

I wish the question was about the mac and cheese. That I know the answer to. It's yes. Always yes to mac and cheese. To taking a chance on someone or them taking a chance on you I have no answers. 

Reading, Listening, Wanting

I finally have given young adult books a break and have been reading books that are meant for actual adults. Total honesty...I kind of forgot how reading good books makes you think. All of a sudden my brain feels a little less mushy. Young adult books do not really do this. They're junk food for your brain. While I was resting up, I watched all the television so I decided to read books I had been mean to read but had never gotten around to. 

1. The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. 

This is a newer release. I both really liked it and was completely disturbed by it as it hit close to home. It was like I know this guy, I've dated him. It's also kinda cool when you don't really like a main character. 

1. Gone Girl 

I know, I know, I know, I am REALLY late to this party. I totally got wrapped up into the book, was underwhelmed by the ending. The ending however is probably closer to the truth then I would care for. 

3. Where'd You Go Bernadette.

I loved, this book. I immediately read her other book which I also loved. Believe the hype, it's charming and a fast read. 

4. Now for listening...I can't with Chet Faker. He's too sexy for his own good. 

5. Tegan and Sara Heartthrob, makes me wanna just dance around. 

6. For my fall thoughts. I am pretty sure I need these. Party ikat pants, yes please. 

7. I also really want

these. I am using them as motivation for shapely legs all better to show off my high tops with. 

I basically want to dress like a flamboyant teenage boy. 

8. ASOS is making me hot under the collar for fall. I very much want the below AND some of their bright and shiny new things for fall are 20% off until midnight. There you have my permission to buy all the things.

What are you reading, listening to, coveting? 

No Right or Wrong, Just Different

You know how I was going to see Beyonce? Yeah, well that didn't happen. My poor friend got scammed! She bought the tickets on craig's list and they were fake. I felt so bad for her. While I was totally game to go, I was not dying to see Bey and she was. This particular friend and I have a lot of things in common but it's funny where we differ.

She was beating herself up about it, and I said, "well you could be a scaredy cat like me and pay a million more dollars on stubhub or you can take a chance." We ended up having a lovely dinner and evening so the night was far from ruined. As we sat outside and I drank sparkling rose and she sipped different fancy cocktails we just chatted. We were somewhere quiet, not in a hurry and could actually talk.

We have not known each other long but we became friends pretty quickly so now at this point we do sort of know each other. We can see consistencies in our behaviors, make some predictions, and see why we view things differently. She is very what she sees is what she believes, I over analyze everything and eventually throw my hands up and just do what I wanted anyway. She has a bajillion acquaintances and friends, I have people I tolerate because I have to and friends. We were talking about someone we knew in common and I was like oh lemme tell you about her. She was like you always go deep, you get to know people. I said there is just no in between for me. If I like you, and I enjoy your company then I am going to want to learn about you and get invested. I explained it's taken getting older to learn how to protect myself better with this. Not everyone should get that treatment off the bat, and the way I employ it is different. When I was younger, I used this as a way to ingratiate myself with others and build social currency now it's because I genuinely find people fascinating. I am just more discerning about who I invest in.

We chatted dating, hook ups and guys. I'll be straight up because well this is my blog and I can be...how she goes about the fellas has bugged me as of lately. She posts conversations on facebook, and instagram, talks about making out with two guys in a night, and I just cringe. I don't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing but I don't get why she is telling people. She's like you're right I had never realized how private you are about that part of your life. I said I have zero issue sharing with anyone, I just want to share in person not on facebook. She just thinks it's funny and wants to share. Well go on girl. Get your share on.

What was super cool about being able to just talk and share where we came from was there wasn't any judgment just this is how you see it, and this is how I see it. We both learned more about the other, motivations, end goals, and a different way to think about things. I admire a lot about her fearlessness, but I am old enough to know trying to replicate it in her manner would not work for me. It doesn't mean I can't channel some of that my own way and appreciate the way she employs it.

I find as I try to quiet my own inner critic it makes me kinder and less defensive to others. It makes me less judgmental. I can, not want to act a certain way but not find anything wrong with someone who does. I can also take someone approaching things differently not as a sign that I am doing things wrong, or they think I'm a lame-o. Last night as I sat on a blanket with good friends and ate an ice cream sandwich for dinner listening to Beck I just let myself enjoy it. I didn't scold myself for such an unhealthy dinner, or for not eating something healthy before I left my apartment. I sat on the blanket and enjoyed the ice cream sandwich and the beautiful night and did not miss it by being a total ass to myself. There really is no right or wrong, just occasional ice cream sandwiches for dinner.

Mixed Bag

This week zoomed on by and lawdy am I grateful for that. I have a packed weekend ahead and I am ready to hop to it! Below's what has been keeping my head above water...

1. I am one lucky duck, Beyonce on Saturday, and then Sunday Beck. SO EXCITED! I saw Beyonce like 500 years ago and she was amazing, doubtful I'll be able to dance it out much but ass shaking doesn't really involve your lower leg. 

2.  My nail art obsession shows very little signs of slowing down. I looove this polish for some at home glamour. I really loved the last one I did but it's big time growing out. Saturday's appointment will probably be Bey (cause we're friends) influenced...

3. I can't stop listening to this song, and the video is purrrrty funny. I heard it in the Movie Drinking Buddies which I thought was sorta snoozy and sad, but the soundtrack is fantastic. 

4. I usually stay away from articles regarding diet and exercise, and popular women's magazines in general. I just can't read  how to lose 10 pounds quick or give the same three tips regarding your vagina and it just makes me feel like I am on the brink of insanity at how condescending the tone is. Anywayz....I thought this article regarding exercise was actually refreshing with a tone of decide what works for you. 

5. When I feel like I need a lil zen, this website helps me. 

6. This girl is 20 and her artwork is fantastic. I can't wait to see what she does next. My favorite is I don't Really Miss You. 

7. These pics strengthen my Icelandic obsession. Will someone please just go to Iceland with me already? Sheesh. Temper tantrum over. 

8. H&M went online yesterday and while the plus size offerings are sad, the kid offerings are not. All my friend's kids are getting these. 

9. This and this are really lovely sentiments. 

10. Want to see this....badly.

11. What does your birthday mean? 

12. I have a hard time believing in the healing powers of stones/crystals/rocks, but I doooo love these bracelets and if they have healing properties well fantastic. 

13. I want all the watermelon juice. Seriously. Get some. If it's pure watermelon it helps with bloat, is high in vitamin C, lower in sugar then you'd think and sometimes I prefer it over dessert at night. Sometimes. 

14. Wednesday night, I walked too much and was hurting pretty bad by the time I got home so I popped 2 percosets. BIG MISTAKE. I felt gross and I bid on a 18th Century taxidermied Flamingo. Welcome to my apartment I am insane.

15. I have been obsessed with exfoliating and moisturizing this summer but really kicked it up a notch post calf debacle. I soak in epsom salts which are drying so I give a quick scrub with this soap, yes it's expensive but it's lasts FOREVER and it really does change your skin and then I slather on this oil. My friend Aurora introduced to me to coconut oil as a moisturizer 3 years ago on my 30th birthday so it was appropriate for my 33rd that she gave me another jar. 

take it all off

lube up your bod