Crush Thoughts

I love a crush. I like crushing on things with triangles on them, wintergreen altoid minis, J.R. Smith of the Knicks and of course the occasional real fella or two. I have a guy friend who's a pretty good friend that I have a crush on. I try to manage it. Not let it spiral, not get too swept up in what does it all mean, but it's tricky. He does things like occasionally hold my hand and these things confuse me. I would list more things that make it confusing but truthfully it makes me feel lame, like I am trying to convince myself and you that I'm not crazy.

I was chatting with a friend about it, and said, "You know the facts remain the same if a guy likes you, he'll do something about it and he doesn't do anything about it." She said, "That's just what we've all been told to believe. What if two insecure people who are friends like each other?" She has a point. Her advice and many others is to just kiss him and see what happens. The thought alone makes me pukey. I try to just shake it off, be friends and leave it at that. It doesn't really work. Our friendship is not completely platonic, but it's not really something else either. Le sigh.

I think part of why I resist making a move is if he rejected me I would probably end the friendship or have to take an extended break, and would feel so so foolish. It's one thing for a first date to blow you off, or for a guy at some bar to not be interested it's a different ball game when it's your friend. I don't know why that is for me, why I just couldn't shake it off and say no bigz. Another reason I do nothing is, I don't think he's a good idea as a relationship which I'm a little more focused on these days. He's got some growing up to do and stuff to sort out and I am not terribly interested in holding his hand during the process. So I don't know what to do with the crush. Ignore it? Act on it? Hope it fades? I've tried stuff, it doesn't seem to work.

Got some advice for me? Anyone? Bueller.....

Oh Winter You Amaze Me

Winter is such a time of the blahs. When it first starts getting cold I feel like I come back to life. A spring in my step with the crisp air. Excited about layers, and wool, but then it's February and it's like will this ever be over. This week I shucked off the blahs and shook up my routine.

I went out not one, not two, but three school nights. I know. I know. I am an old lady who is firmly grounded in my routine. I do not care to deviate from it. I do however like to have fun, and have a tiny case of fear of missing out syndrome. It's a terrible disease. A friend played a show Wednesday night, I went to that, another friend invited me to a play Thursday night, had to go to that, and then tonight dinner and then a visit to the witchy store. I can't. 

My friend Jack who is literally the cutest fella ever on the planet went with me to my friend's show Wednesday. Jack's an aspiring actor, and we were talking about friends performing. I said usually it made me kind of nervous. I said I go because I am happy and excited for them, but honestly it gives me a lot of anxiety. What if things go wrong, what if the audience isn't into it, all this Debbie Downer stuff. So the band began, they had technical issues, but they never lost their footing, and then they hit their stride. It's pretty awesome to get to see your friends do what they really love and enjoy it. That never gets old to me. What I also realized is I had none of my usual anxiety related thoughts. Maybe the better I get at putting myself out there, risking something, the more I can relax when someone else does. They're big boys if something happens they'll survive it. 

Thursday I went to see the play Really Really, and Zosia Mamet is in. It's a really interesting play, contemporary and I was thrilled I got to see it. So who would happen to be two rows in front of my friend and I? Lena Dunham. I nearly lost my ish. We stayed after hoping to get a glimpse of her, maybe say something, maybe ask for an autograph. I cannot tell you how not those girls my friend and I are. We waited halfway down the block like total theater creepers. We started to creep out the other people waiting for the stars by just stopping halfway down the block and staring. Never mind last night was like hanging out in a vat of ice water. Our excitement about Lena Dunham the work she is doing, and the conversations that surround it, warmed us for about a nanosecond. 

When I got home I thought about how lucky I was to get to see people do amazing things, and see amazing people. While I can't be off routine every week,  I have my own goals. I do want to think of how I want my own life to be amazing and that does not always lie in the gym and in meal planning. 

Stats

Typical to my nature, I love/hate stats. I think they can be really cool. I generally do not hugely pay attention to my blogs, I moderately pay attention to my own. It's a lovely thing when they take a turn in your favor. What am I muttering about, well lemme expand below with some numbers I've been digging. 

1. 3.5  the number of inches I've lost since 1/08/13, the only thing that grew on my body was my right calf and it did by a 1/4 inch. What. The. Hell. Shrink you calf jerk. 

2. A new blogger, Ami has listed me in her blogroll and it's sending many a person to gander at my insanity. This makes me so happy, because her blog is delightful! Please go check her out at:

http://achampagnedream.blogspot.com/

3. a million, approximate times I have listed to the below mix, I suggest downloading all of Jeff's mixes.  

https://soundcloud.com/booooooom/oahu-pow-wow-mini-mix

4. 6...days I have felt like crap. I hate having a weirdo cold/virus hybrid thing. I sound like Demi Moore  and feel clammy. I also blame it for eating a whole bag of dark chocolate almonds. Whatevs, almonds happen. 

5. 3 amazing bottles of live algae and green goodness down. I want a million more. 

who knew e3 was delicious?

Chop Chop

I should tell you how weeks 4 & 5 went with my Total Body Makeover, but how fun would that be when there's a haircut to discuss? I did it, I chopped my hair off. It felt awesome. I mean it's hair, it's not like it's a permanent decision. I get these lil bees in my bonnet and generally I HAVE TO DO IT. I just knew I had to cut my hair....so I did. Huzzah!

Last week we had our first family therapy session. I don't even know where to begin with that. Part of me thinks I need to explore my family dynamic with them to undo it, another part of me wants to join the witness protection program and assume an orphan identity. My brother basically laid out for me, he does not like me, he does not enjoy my company and I am a bad sister. What's fascinating to me is that, a lot of when he sites my not being a good sister, is about 3-4 years ago when I started making significant changes in my life towards being healthier. We just do not see eye to eye. He lives in his own universe where everything should go his way and my bucking that makes me bad. For example, he's like you have rules about your apartment and you won't let me come by there when you're not there and that's so selfish and controlling. Okay lets break this down, it's MY apartment, which I own and pay for, number one. Number two, why is he not allowed to be there without me? Well because I repeatedly asked him not to smoke pot there and to clean up after himself when he was there and came home to both an apartment cloaked in pot smoke, and his trash on the table. Yet in his mind I am wrong to ask for boundaries, and I am selfish to not allow him to use my place as a city rest stop. It's difficult to feel hopeful about any healing or resolutions as well when you are at such different ends of the spectrum. We both feel very justified in our thinking and actions.

I stayed on track with my eating despite being tempted not to. I sweated out my annoyance and frustration instead of eating it and kept on moving. Friday night I felt like I got a cosmic reward for enduring family therapy. A friend took me to see Passion Pit. Lawdy, if you can go see them DO IT. Great show. It's interesting with terms like Borderline Personality Disorder being thrown around about my brother the timing. The lead singer of Passion Pit, has had a very public battle with bi-polar. They had to cancel tour dates, he's been hospitalized multiple times, lives his life on medication and yet Friday he played a sold out show at Madison Square Garden during a blizzard. He said to the crowd, 7 months ago they told me I would never tour again. I was a little varklempt. Being mentally healthy is a fight no matter what. I am not sure my brother wants to fight. I think he wants to blame, but we'll see. 

what a way to end a show

hair be gone

Very Important Question (Not Really)

I've been seriously toying with the idea of cutting my hair off. I made an appointment for next weekend. It needs it. My ends are a lot like a broom and it's best I have a week to marinate on a chop. That being said should I go for the below? Do you think it will make me look like Olivia Wilde?

Can I have the cheekbones to please?