Looking to a New Year

Christmas has come and gone and mine was not too shabby. My brother's predisposition to immaturity sort of worked. His childlike wonderment made things a little cheerier somehow. I got lovely gifts we had a lovely day, and I really can't complain.

What I am going to complain about is how off track I have been! I have been eating holiday treats like they are going to be taken away from me. Chocolate, cocktails, baked goods, you name it, I've eaten it. I now feel gross. This past week was not awful but ending the week Friday with cocktails with the girls, snack mix at the bar, and then chocolate when I got home did not make me feel great.

My trainer is in Europe for two weeks the lucky duck. He left me not only with a workout plan but photos of me in proper form. I have been doing it, and I took a yoga class this week. I remind myself when I want to get down on myself not all is lost. I have been logging workout time, but it feels less about working out which I do enjoy and more about damage control or punishment. You were a bad girl last week, another set of chest presses for you young lady! This is not good and since I do like working out I don't want to taint it.

I'm not making a ton of resolutions this year. I am just going to stay focused on reminding myself that true weight loss changes are about 70% what you put in, 30% about how you work out. I think I like to think it's the reverse. It's not. I totally also allow myself a lot of "food credit" because I am diligent in working out. I fall into the trap of I can eat that I work out 5 times a week. Yeah...that's not really the kind of math I am after. I am not trying to stay in the same place. I want this to be the last year I end thinking about my weight loss goals. I would like 2013 to be the year about learning to maintain. I have to push through though and think about what I am willing to give up to get there. I have not sacrificed a lot in the past few months. I eat my chocolate, drink my vodka sodas and then wonder why I only lost half a pound. It's not a great mystery least of all to me.

I have a lot on my side. I have experience, goals, healthier coping mechanisms, support, I have what I need to succeed and I care about myself enough to push for it. Things happen when we're ready for them and I think now I am ready to push past oh this is good enough, I can wear clothes I like, I feel more comfortable this is good. It's not. I want a body I am proud of not one I just accept.

wait he's on vacation and I have to do this? NOT FAIR! 

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

I'm riding high on a Knicks victory this late night/early morning Christmas eve. I don't know what basketball has to do with Christmas but it did put me into the spirit. Maybe it's because my friend and I went for her to see her crush Ricky Rubio of the Timberwolves up close and personal and we were. Christmas came early for her! We then had a delicious dinner, with some even better cocktails after sitting next to two cute guys during the game. She even got asked for her number. Sometimes it just doesn't get much better. 

 Sometimes it's tough to get into the spirit. We're all so busy, work gets in the way, obligations, family I could go on. I won't. I am a little happy the season of crazy holiday related treats is coming to an end. I am curious to see how Christmas actually goes down with my family, but I am happy to be in the spirit of things. No one likes to be a grinch. Only specific greens are my color. Whatever you celebrate, whatever you believe, however you define family, I hope it's wonderful and a little sparkly. 

Apparently I thought smizing brought presents as a wee babe.

Steve Novak says Happy Holidays and so do I. 

Holidaze

I cannot believe Christmas is next week. I am truly starting to feel like an old lady by complaining about how fast time is going, and about how everything sneaks up on me. This is the first year we are doing Christmas in NYC as a family, and only the second time I have not been in Atlanta.

It's kind of a strange feeling to not be going to Atlanta. Very little of my extended family lives there anymore or is even alive honestly, but it still has that homebase feeling. It really isn't, and especially the past few years it has seemed really silly to be hanging out as a family in NYC just to meet up in Atlanta a week later. I am excited to see how this goes. It also makes me feel less split between two places and very sure New York is my home.

Oh man has the office been where healthy food goes to die. I have literally been swimming in a sea of crap for the past week. Doing my best, but I plan to stock up on some caftans and a get a jazzy. I am trying to say today is it, last day for sweet treats and then back to normal. We'll see.

I miss the pup a lot. I am past some of the being distraught and tearing up all the time, but I still really miss her a lot. I don't think the holidays help. She always had her own stocking even. Bluurghhh. Every day it gets a little better, and I am really fortunate that just about everything else in my life pretty grand.

I am a little nervous about how Christmas with the loons will be, but I am going to go into with an open mind and a good attitude and if nothing else it will be amusing. If all else fails a co-worker did give me a bottle of homemade Irish cream I could just drink straight from...

I hope everyone has been having a lovely holiday season and continues to do so.

Gingerbread Adobe Hut

Queen and King of Christmas

Mary and Joseph fire escape chillin'

We craft now. 

Too. Many. Sweets. 

Lil ornament bud vases. 

King of Christmas

Save me please green juice. 

You know what's a good way

to feel crazy? Dating. I know very little explanation is needed but allow me to elaborate. Tuesday night I went out with a guy. I would say it was a good date. Stayed out late, there was a kiss, and well it was pretty much the best case scenario for a first date. I would rehash it in painstaking detail but you'd be bored and I would be a step closer to insanity. It's Friday and I've heard nothing. While yes, sometimes it takes time to get in touch, he could be busy, he could be in that coma we hear about, I am thinking he's just not that into me.

Nothing will make you paranoid and insecure like silence post date. I know it's a lot more to do with him then me, but I am still left shaking my head going, what. the. hell. No really, what the hell? When the thoughts start I am trying to just nip them in the bud. I have to say though, the more I keep dipping my toe, inching out on the limb not being a weenie the quicker my recovery time becomes. What chaps my hide a little is I felt like I was the closest representation of myself I've been in my dating career. I didn't treat it like an interview or shut down. I wore a dress. I flirted. I tried. None of this is his problem, and it's not like you get an award for not being a weirdo on a date. I do however suspect he's got some "stuff" on his own plate, one specific alarm bell was him mentioning his ex a few times. No es bueno. We all have baggage but I would like to hold out for someone who's free and clear to be with me. Not one foot in the past. A big ole next to this escapade.

Ride the Wave

Bluuurghhhhh what an emotional roller coaster the past few days have been. I feel the tiniest bit better, I am less prone to bursting into tears which is nice. I still miss my dog with an ache that when I really think about it instantly makes my cry. I better understand why I used to numb the crap out of myself. Emotions are rough. Just letting yourself feel awful is rough. This whole feeling thing is how I ended up collapsed on my kitchen floor sobbing the other night. No es bueno. I am comforted by knowing that right now I am feeling awful which creates space for joy. If you never really let yourself feel sad, then I think you cannot ever really truly feel happy. It's all scary.

I have not been eating my feelings which makes me angry. I want to. I fight the impulse. I wanna eat mac and cheese, sweets, anything vaguely comforting but I know the thrill is gone. I know that the comfort of distraction will be so fleeting it's not worth it. I think about a glass (bottle) of wine but I know I will be drinking it in my apartment where my dog no longer is. There are no check outs and this is annoying. 

In Dumplin's last moments I kept petting her the whole time. I knew it was my last time to do so and I think it kept me grounded. It kept me in the present. As I struggle to stay present to just ride the wave of feeling sad, and upset, I am comforted so much by those last moments. I was there. I was actually present and accounted for and I better understand now why being present and accounted for in life is a gift in it's own way. Nothing certainly tastes as good as those memories feel right now. 

Not the Greatest of Times

It's been a hot second. Things got a little crazy for me. In the most pressing and saddest of news, I had to let my pup go last night. She declined really rapidly over the weekend and I had to make one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make. I am heartbroken.

It was sort of a lovely moment in a weird way. I got to be with her, and rub her belly while she was sedated and then when she left this world. Dumplin' Elizabeth you were a magnificent pup and I was lucky to be your mom for 8 and a half years. Thank you puppy girl for the often hilarious times, and for loving me so unconditionally it never ceased to amaze me.

Elevator Door Psychic 

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