But How?

I find myself asking how a lot. I know what I want to learn or do, what I don't know is how. I was getting my therapy on, and Christina said something that I thought was brilliant and worth sharing. In fact I busted out my phone to make sure I recorded it exactly how she said it. Drumroll... "Self-esteem is built through mastery of skill." Very simple statement, but a lot of truth in it.

Lately I have been holding myself more accountable for what happens to me. Seems obvious, but I think often we get caught up in reacting. We also get caught up in figuring out and questioning other people's reasons and motives. They don't really matter. What matters is not making someone else's nonsense make you feel bad about yourself. This is something I think I have to improve on. I say if I was thinner, prettier, smart they wouldn't treat me that way. I take other people's thoughtless actions as a way to hold on to my own negative self beliefs. I'm like see, you're silly to think you're awesome, if you were awesome this wouldn't happen. That's total crap and a good way to keep yourself safe. Keep yourself near what you know and safe from the disappointment and risk of looking for more. Asking for more will get me more, and help me believe I deserve more, not just sticking with what I know.

I did this recently with a friend. His behavior had not been awful but another friend put it into perspective for me when he said but do you want to be that girl. I really didn't. I did not want to be "that girl" and I realized but acting like I was okay with the behavior, and not speaking up and just reacting I was being "that girl." This is platonic sleepover man. He is ridiculously hot. I mean stupid hot but you know what he wasn't offering me anything and sleeping over was not making me feel good. The first time I was like what is this, the second time um okay don't rock the boat go with it. I realized afterwards though that his behavior was tapping into some old wounds for me. Him not making a move, but wanting comfort from me was making me feel like I wasn't good enough, and all I had to offer was being the fat girl who was safe for comfort but not good for anything else. So not good. What was also a big thunderbolt to my brain was realizing he wasn't doing this, I was. I was going along with things because he is my friend who I adore and super hot. Who was I to refuse him? I'm lucky. Um...that is total and complete utter crap. I may not be the thinnest girl, but I am attractive, interesting, funny and have a lot to offer and someone who doesn't see it should not be in my bed. The way you get that person in your bed is throwing the snuggler out.

When he tried to initiate sleep over number three I told him this isn't working for me and he listened and we had a chat and I felt about a bajillion times better. He said something interesting to me, " I adore you, and I love how I feel when I'm with you." Well that's great and all but what I would really like is someone to not like how they feel with me, but feel that way also about me. Being clear in what you want is scary. People may not like it, you may feel uncomfortable but it's a lot better then having a case of the icks. Accepting the little he was offering and acting like I should be pleased was not serving me at all. That's the sort of stuff that keeps me where I am and not getting what I want. I am way better then feeing blessed and flattered by very little.

If I feed the insecurities I have I just make them bigger. I do not dissipate them and let them have less hold and grip in my life. If I play a role in reinforcing negative thoughts, accepting less then I deserve, and keeping myself in the past then I cannot be surprised I stay stuck where I am. I cannot control a lot of things but I can control how I think, and I can control being the first line of defense in asking what I want.

It never ceases to amaze me how these big things that feel so mysterious and elusive are really not. They are skills, habits, and a lot less mysterious then they seem to be. Self esteem, and thinking you deserve more is not something that just happens overnight. It is not based on your weight, your looks, your job, whatever your hang up or thing may be. It is based on building your inner skills to not be afraid to ask for what you and challenging yourself to see that no matter what that "thing" is that you say means you deserve less that you're wrong. You deserve whatever you want and provided it doesn't hurt anyone else and you're not going to be a total ass about achieving it nothing should stand in your way and you should be the first to say it.

Werrk & Work

Man it's been a minute now hasn't it? Sorry for my absence. I've been super busy at work and at life. Summer just seems to be lazy and incredibly busy at the same time. I am a little spent so a hot list below!

1. I am really pushing myself towards intuitive eating and so far so good. Weight is down, freak outs are minimal. I am also enjoying my food a lot more, and feeling less guilt. So far so good. 

2. I went to the ballet last Friday. Elba had never been to the ballet before so it was double magic. 

Can you handle Elba's shoes? I can't. 

3. I am putting together a group of my friends to hopefully write and work together. It freaks me out a little but it's a step closer to what I want to be doing. Yay! I also signed up for a class. Makes me a lil squirmy but such is life. 

4. My runner's knee seems to be healing. Anyone got any advice or experience with this? I want to get back to running, but I don't want my knees to hate me. Le sigh. 

5. I am obsessed with my cheapie sunglasses I bought. 

Ahhh! Shapes on my face! 

6.  I read this and have yet to stop thinking about it. I chase a lot of people I am an option for not a priority and I think it consistently gets in the way of me moving forward. Petit epiphany. 

7. This guy I had been going back and forth with for months on the interwebz popped back up. He seems cool so I agreed to a drink and gave him my number. One step away from the BS fellas, one step towards the nice ones. I have of course not heard from him yet. Ugh. 

8. I am OBSESSED with nail art. Got a Calgel glitter gradient mani over the weekend. Planning my next one. My friend Aurora and I drank wine, and ate beet and gorgonzola risotto balls while we looked at nail art photos planning our next ones. We are 15. 

Sparkly nubbins' 

Thinking something like this next time. 

9. I cannot stop eating the Hebrew National 97% fat free hot dogs. I have them for dinner with really fancy side salads. Makes me laugh. I also cannot stop drinking Moscow Mules. Ginger beer, lime & vodka what a refreshing revelation. 

10. I am obsessed with this little girl's dance moves, it's so wrong and so right all at the same time. 

She's my summer dance inspiration. 

Don't Let It

Lately I have struggled with insomnia and increased anxiety. I can take a guess at where some of it's coming from. I have two particular people in my life who I love/hate their advice. When I say I'm scared, they both say don't be, when I say ehh I 'm not sure about x, they say do it. They don't know one another but it never ceases to amaze me how boundless and enthusiastic their attitude towards life is. It also frustrates the bejesus out of me that their stripped down simplified way of viewing things is pretty spot on. Usually I think we hem and haw about things because we just don't like the truth or the answer. 

Lately I feel daunted. I feel like I am not going where I want to go and I feel more scared to direct myself where I need to be. I feel like a boldness I had before is no longer with me. I wonder if the boldness was ever really me. Lately I think a lot about being mindful. Eating mindfully, and living mindfully. Trying to be in the present and make decisions without judgement or thoughts of others. It's hard yo. It also grounds you in a way that I don't think I really have been before. I think a lot of the boldness I had before wasn't really legit. It might have had some good results on occasion but really it was a way of not dealing with feelings I had. I would fake it until I felt it. It makes it tricky now to know how to move forward. Old boldness out, so what's in? I dunno, but I do have try to make some moves because once I am doing something I am usually okay with it and the anxiety dissipates. It's the lead up that does my head in and makes me have the stress sweats. Not a good look. 

So what did I do, or what am I doing? Well I saw my doctor on this week who is AWESOME and she gave me a prescription for some sleepy times. I was hesitant to do this, like what if she thinks I am a degenerate, or I bet tomorrow I'll be better, but then I thought no I am not sleeping and it's not getting better I am going to ask for some help. She gave me 10 pills and made me feel a lot better. She's like I bet your anxiety is getting a little out of control it's what happens when your sleep is disturbed. I have had 2 solid night's sleep and do feel a lot better and a decrease in the free floating anxiety. 

 I also signed up for this, which I am SUPER excited about. A friend of mine was going with me but had to back out today. I think I am going to challenge myself to go it alone. Have a solo adventure. I also reached out to another friend about working together, and we had a lovely glass of wine and swapped ideas and feelings of being stuck in our careers. It made me feel about a thousand times better. A friend I don't know that well but have a "feeling" about I reached out to about collaborating. I just think he and I are supposed to work together. I have no idea why, but you know what instead of judging or defending it I am just going for it. 

You know when nature is about to get crazy and all the animals are upset or restless? I wonder in some ways if a life storm is coming my way and my subconscious is like LOOK ALIVE LADY. I can't know right now, but I can reassure myself one step in front of the other every is going to be okay. It usually is, and if it isn't what am I going to do about it? Can't stop it, can't prevent it, and I can't stay here so I need to make some moves and see what happens.