Monday, November 19, 2012

Forgetful Jones/Giveaway Winner

Sorry! I keep forgetting to inform the Madewell giveaway winner. Congrats it's Samara, who I j'adore. Not that I would not have been happy for anyone that one, but I KNOW she loves some madewell which sweetens the giveaway deal.

If you don't know Samara or her blog, please get to know her/it. She's a doll!

Body Snark

In improving my own body talk I have tried to be nicer, and kinder in my talk towards others bodies. Keyword here...try. There are a few women at my gym I have known and seen for a while, like years. Two in particular, their bodies have never shifted much. I noticed a few months ago they were making some significant and visible changes. My immediate reaction? Body snarking because I was jealous. 

It's just gross and you know what it doesn't make my body any better, and it certainly does not make me feel better about myself. I tried something different to combat it that was not just self talk. I told the women at different times. "You must be working hard, you look really great." I said what I did because they do. I think I reacted less to their weight losses and more to their healthiness, confidence, and those qualities that are not always tangible like weight loss. The weight loss is the easy part to perceive and put your finger on the rest no so much. 

 What was really cool is both women were profoundly thankful. One lady said, "You have no idea how badly I needed that today. Thank you, I have been trying and I feel like I am not getting anywhere." In turning my body snark a different direction I left the situation feeling better and more positive. We all have our issues and snarking on them certainly does not change mine, and I don't know their story. These women were not parading their svelte physiques to annoy me. They were going about their gym business. Seriously Anna get a grip, don't be a bitch and maybe try being honest and kind to someone, that will get you way further then snark. 

Friday, November 16, 2012

Not Good Enough

I touched on this idea of not good enough. It's something I am thinking about a lot lately and what I have found is it goes two ways. There are the times I am asking myself to accept something that is not good enough, and then there are the times I should say no or move it along because something is not good enough. It's been really helpful both with food and life.

For food example, yesterday a co-worker brought two cheesecakes into the office. My week and day were super stressful, then all these people were in the office, loud, no regard for those of us who's office it is, and trying to get me to eat cheesecake. Nope, it's not good enough. Don't get me wrong, it was from Junior's in Brooklyn and I am sure it was delicious. Cheesecake for me though is not in my top 5 or even top 10 of desserts I lust after. Nope, not good enough. I have not made it to the gym every day this week to eat a piece of cheesecake that would be more about being stressed and irritable then a desire for cheesecake. Delightfully when I felt my reserve start to crack it was whisked away to be shared with others, and placed in the fridge. Love when you get a little help that way.

Life wise, so Thanksgiving is next week and my mother is two things, 1. a weenie, and 2. living in a fantasy world. She says I thought I would make a nice dinner, and we'll have a lovely, nice, calm dinner. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I said, uhm not sure how that's going to happen mom, he's had a year to speak to me and chosen not to. She says well I've been working on your brother and I think he's close. I relayed my opinion on two fronts, one I am not worried about him I am worried about me and two.  I think he is being a coward and is not owning his decision and frankly I do not give an eff about what he thinks, or how he feels. Why does his decision mean I don't get to have a holiday? Why because he's decided to live his life out as Peter Pan do I have to be affected? Not good enough. His behavior, not good enough, her response, not good enough. Why do I have to be the leader? It sets me up to be the "wrong one" and I am not the mom, and most importantly I am tired of it.I personally have no issue doing nothing. I mean I had months to adjust to that potentially being a reality. I said well if he wants Thanksgiving and you do to, spend it together. I have no problem being alone. She's like oh no you'll get depressed. My mom proposed going to the movies and then getting Indian food because having anything traditional is going to make her depressed. I said I need to think about it. I don't know what I want to do since the norm is not available I need a second.

Part of what set me off prior to this discussion with her, is we've played phone tag this week and I got a text from her, where are you, I'm so worried, I dreamed about you all night. How's Dumplin. I respond, no answer. I call, no answer. I call again oh I was so worried, I thought maybe you were in Portland, or got kidnapped in Staten Island. You might be thinking oh that's nice. See I used to think that to, but it's not. It means the THREE voicemails I left this week were not listened to, it means she really just was having anxiety and wants me to soothe it, it means she really wants me to figure out Thanksgiving because that's what she immediately launched into. Then when I started to get riled up she immediately wanted off the phone and said well I want to see you, and spend time with Dumplin so bring her up here. Uhm......what? I have plans and no. I just can't. Not good enough.

These crumbs and illusions of care are just not good enough. They are what sent me down a bad path in life thinking they were what I was worth and all people offered. I learned this is what you can ask of people, and expect. It's not. It really is not reality. It's the reality of some really broken selfish people. In separating from my family to gain some distance and perspective I have strengthened my relationships with my friends. I am really blessed on that front and when I look at the people who've been in my life the past 14 years I think thank god. They show me so much love, support, and that I am really great and shouldn't change a damn thing. It just further affirms to me how I need to be vigilant in resetting my boundaries with my family. It sucks, and it does make me sad, and angry, but honestly being honest about it seeing them for who they are and cannot be for me is a lot easier then constantly trying adapt to be who they want for them. It certainly hurts a lot less.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Goal & Giveaway Talk

I didn't forget. It's time for a little check in now isn't it. I can still barely believe November is here much less we're nearing the halfway mark.

Giveaway wise some lucky duck is going to get a $100 giftcard to Madewell. To prolong the suspense because I am a jerk, everyone has until Friday to enter. To "enter" because really I am using that term loosely...just tell me some goals you are working on, or if you already did how they are going.

My goal evaluation:

- Food journaling, I am doing better with this, more consistent. There are days I forget, there are days I write everything in excrutiating detail, but regardless it is happening a lot more. It's a lot more important now because I am working with a new nutritionist and it will help her learn how to help me.

- Increased awareness in drinking behavior. Drinking has ensued but I have kept to my twice a week rule and kept my drinks in check except for that one Friday.

- Lose 10 pounds. Yeah, not exactly killing it on this one. I have however given up my lunch time brownie habit. What started as a oh I'm craving a brownie became a daily habit. No bueno. So that's down with. I have also tightened up the meal planning, and don't faint from shock, not been eating my nightly dark chocolate. I am just trying to be aware of habit vs. actual want. I know I am in the dark chocolate habit.

- Pants/dresses/skirts risks. Doing a little better on this. I bought and have been wearing polka dot pants. I have been dress shopping but nothing has been quit right. Less a leg issue and more a not sure this all.

- The vending machine and I have broken up. I have relapsed once or twice, but for granola bars on forgotten snack days.

- Mindless snacking has not been a huge issue. I am continuing to be vigilant about it and stay on my healthy snacking game versus mindless.

- Work out (2) mornings a week. Nope. Hasn't happened. Not even a little bit. Just Friday am's with Jesse.

So some progress, but my new theme is, is it good enough? No it's not so onward!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Messy = Fun

I rarely read my horoscope. Not for any particular reason but it's just not on my to do list. I happened to see mine the other day for this week it said:

" Loosen your collar and jump into the unknown. Nothing teaches you who you really are like entering uncharted territories. Yes, time to redefine your sense of security, as it can be about holding your confidence safe, rather than the typical way to perceive it. If anything, what you know is probably always going to be there, so why not take that adventure?"

It plays into something I have been thinking about. I have known for some time when it came to men and dating what I had before was not what I wanted again, but what I actually want not I am not sure of. I have known with my life, and weight loss goals I want to move forward, but not exactly where. I mean telling yourself I don't want a repeat of my ex, want to do good work, and lose weight are not exactly specific. I keep going around and around in a cul-de-sac sometimes. It's safe, known, and familiar. I have consistently said to myself in just about every area of my life well this is good enough.  I discussed this with Marisa on my last appointment with her because she's having a baby (squeeeeee, exciting!). She said maybe it's time to be less afraid to really ask yourself what you want, because the truth is I do not believe you just want good enough, but that's not what you have subscribed to. I don't believe you think your weight is good enough. If you were happy I would say nothing about it because you have done great work, but I don't think you are satisfied. Things have changed, you've changed, why wouldn't what you want change? She also said not only do you have to ask what you want but not be afraid to admit you do not know. I do not like not knowing. Not a huge fan, but lately I have been less afraid. I have trusted the tools I have learned, the confidence I have rebuilt, and well just taken some damn risks. There are no guarantees. There are no ways to ensure you'll be right, or safe, and that scares the bejesus out of me but also makes me feel a sense of peace. I cannot always get it right, boom, worst fear confirmed. I cannot be the best at life. Contest over.

In starting to grasp how not right I am going to be sometimes and more importantly begin to accept that is okay, it's made me come around. I don't always know what I want or how I'll respond, I don't always have the answer. Pretending I do, or know is probably more of a defense mechanism then an self actualized response. When it comes to men I don't always know how I am going to act. Why? Well because for years I have kept myself out of the game. For many reasons. 1. I have a borderline crippling fear of intimacy, 2. I kept myself safe, safe from heartbreak, safe from wrong decisions, by dating people who were a very bad idea. 3. I lost a lot of weight and wrestle with my desirability. The way I am approaching dating, men, and desirability now is completely different.

It's sort of common sense though, my personal struggles are one thing, my weight one's another, but really the last relationship I was in was three years ago I think? Why would I think my approach would be the same? I am not the same person I was three years ago, I am barely the same person I was three months ago. It's sort of cool to take the pressure off to evaluate the same and allow myself to just figure things out. The absolute without a doubt best part of this weight loss has been learning about myself. It's been discovering who I am without suppressing it, self loathing, and all the other nonsense. Why rush to the end? Why rush to find conclusions? Mistakes are fun. They lead to good stories, you learn from them, they teach you. At the core I am who I am, but a lot of that second tier stuff is new ground. I have had my rules, and I think they were less about order and more about safety. I am beginning to see, weight won't keep me safe, isolating myself won't keep me safe, nothing really cuts the messiness of life out. I have to roll with it, and trust that I will keep the ship afloat and I think for once I really believe that.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Weekend Good Deeds

I have not done any volunteer work in a thousand years. Saturday reminded why I should be doing a lot more of it. It's a nice feeling and a privilege to be there for someone in their absolute worst moment. I was blown away by people's strength, the kindess of others, and just how fundamentally good most people are. 

Saturday we met up and set off for Staten Island. We found the group who dispatches you got kinda a scary introduction but it was necessary and warranted. It's totally surreal. The neighborhoods look normal. Houses and cars line the streets. They are all destroyed. You start the see the insurance company names spray painted on the cars, the belongings being pulled out of the houses, the personal belongings strewn all over the ground. Then there are the tractors whizzing by getting rid of the debris. The neighborhood we were in first is a few miles in land, so I already I was like if it's this bad here I cannot imagine what's by the coast. 

The coast is like a post-apocalyptic scene. There's a house taken off it's foundation in the middle of the street. There's a huge parking lot filled with debris the size of a football field. The destruction is just mind blowing. I still do not think I can grasp it. A woman we helped Kathy, was awesome and she told us the story of her 20 year old neighbor who was washed out of his home while he was sleeping. The neighbors next to her got him to let go of her deck and caught him as he floated and pulled him to safety on their roof. Her home was elevated, and the water still reached and destroyed her entire first floor, some of the second. They were hit with about a 20 foot wave surge. She was still in shock, could not talk for long before she teared up, but so grateful for help. It was heartbreaking. I mean I am grateful for help cleaning anything. I cannot imagine if it was to clean out my destroyed home. We met people from the Good Shepherd Episcopal church who packed up and drove from Dallas. They were feeding volunteers. Their thought was comfort food, the food their kids liked, and liked we did. They also had their kids write notes to the volunteers which was so thoughtful. 

It was so nice to see with my own eyes these people are not forgotten. There were groups of volunteers everywhere. People were helping everywhere they could. Dropping off coats, blankets, and toiletries while we were at the homes. What I did not see was a lot of governmental assistance, or even any of the big aid agencies. People did speak highly of FEMA and how quickly they had been to act. 

Saturday night I was off to a benefit for a girl who had her electric wheelchair stolen. WHO DOES THAT?! I mean seriously, who steals someone's wheelchair? It did remind me while benefits are cool and worthwhile I like getting out there and working with people. I like connecting with people, hearing there stories, putting a face to a news story and hope that this becomes something I do more often. 

Jugo's got the water. I have a mouthful of gummy bears #priorities. 

On the side of a house. 

Left standing but shredded. 

On the road. 

Streets and streets of this. 

Rainbow Brite Man wanted to help a girl get some wheels. 

Quick shower and ready to go. 

Propped up by the wall cause we're sleepy. Photo c/o Studio Havens. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Week Two

Slowly things go back to normal. While the hurricane was one day really it's destruction made it a bit of a lost week. We all wondered around confused totally shaken out of our routines. On top of everything at work we had our primary workspace and drive, the brain for lack of a better term, was deleted. Little did we know when we got back to work on Wednesday that a hurricane had already hit our department on Saturday night. I am not even dipping into discussing the noreaster that decided to pop up and the night I had to pick up the pup from

So we rebuild. We're patient. We realize it could be worse. We whine, laugh, I offer to do interpretive dance for promos. We decide that's a bad idea. We all complain about hurricane related obesity. We get back on track. There's something soothing about everyone being in the same boat. If your apartment gets flooded it sucks to be you. All of lower Manhattan without power, trains not running from Brooklyn, people with NOTHING in Staten Island, the Rockaways, and jersey and you're all in it together. This city never ceases to amaze me at how great we are in a time of need. I've been here for 9/11, the blackout, and now Sandy. People are good, they are kind, and only gypsy cab drivers remain the scourge of the earth usually.

That being said last Friday when I went to the Knicks game I got REAL drunk. I mean like spectacularly drunk. Me thinks I had just had enough of life, and no dinner. Luckily my Knicks buddy is a good guy. He was amused considering he had to work later then me and by the time we met up I was already lit. Blurrrghhhhhhh. I blame alcohol for also telling him I hooked up with his friend the previous weekend, and that sometimes I had to take a break from him because he is selfish and self destructive. He listened, didn't dismiss my feelings and we hugged it out. I mentioned it before I will say it again he is a good guy. I saw him again Sunday and wanted to sort of peak out from between my fingers like are you sure we're cool and he was a delight. I don't give him enough credit. There's something for me to learn from that.

Tomorrow I am off to Staten Island to volunteer. My dear friend Beth, who I refer to as Beazel is from there and has seen her home borough devastated. If you want to help out, sending things, volunteering, or just take in what has happened please see some of the links below I have posted.

A former co-worker and dear friend lost everything. Including her car in the hurricane. If you've got $5 to spare she could use it.

This is a short film about a girl I went to college with Michelle's experience in the Rockaways.

To help out Staten Island and others I suggest the below links:

One of my fave author's Laurie Notaro's friends lost everything. Not only did they lose everything, home, clothes, cars, belongings, but the husband has terminal cancer and even getting his medication is a struggle. They are currently sheltering in a Fire Station and need help.