Who's a Doll

Mary of Stationery not Stationary is such a doll I could go one forever. I have read her blog for a while and always love when she pops up on mine. She is someone I refer to as one of my bloggie friends. One of the best parts of writing a blog is getting to meet people I probably never would otherwise. Mary took the time out to email me and then we became modern pen pals and friends.

Anyway cause for real I could go on about how much I adore this girl, around the holidays she asked me to do her a favor. A very small favor mind you. She shipped a present to my apartment because they did not ship to England and then I shipped it to her. So not a big deal, but what greets me when I arrive home today? A bounty of presents! I can not even begin to tell you how much this made my day. 1. Who doesn't like presents, especially unexpected ones? 2. They were wrapped super nicely and it made me feel fancy. 3. THEY ARE AWESOME! She sent me a pair of earrings, TWO bracelets, and a book. Moral of the story when Mary asks you if you can do a favor for her do it. You might just get presents.

Thank you dear. So not necessary, but completely totally and utterly appreciated. Seriously. Such a ray of sunshine in my mailbox just like your emails are in my inbox.

The bounty post my feverish tearing into the pretty wrapping. 

Need. Want. Have to Have.

When people get demanding or I feel demanding I channel Veruca Salt, but, "Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa Now!" Sometimes I think this is an okay approach to life. I do not desire an Oompa Loompa but the below is what I am kicking around. 

I need to get better about picking up after myself during the week. For realz. Monday I worked and cleaned my apartment. This was not how I wanted to celebrate President's Day. How does one celebrate President's day besides buying a mattress or something similar? 

I need to tighten up my food journal game. It's been a long time. Real long, and while I am losing I was down 1/2 a pound this past week and a loss is a loss but I want more. I am 6.5 pounds away from a milestone and need to be checked in, accounted for and showing up for my goals.

I want grey suede ankle booties. Bad.

I want a kicky cross body handbag preferably in cobalt blue. 

I want the project I am working on to continue smoothly and timely. It's getting a little crazytown. I figure out how to get a step ahead and then they thwart me! 

I have to get health insurance. Yeah, I am uninsured at the moment. Please no one tell my mom she'll kick my bum despite my being a 31 year old adult. 

Health insurance totally overwhelms me. Anyone have advice for navigating this on your own not with a company? I have never had to insure myself and I get easily confused by it and start to go into a twilight state of coma....

What's your need, want, have to have lists?

Sometimes I Just Do Not See It

Do you ever get so hung up on the people who let you down you forget about the ones who don't? I do. I had a nice little reminder in that this weekend. A friend sucked big time and let me down. Not the end of the world by any means, and I stood up for myself and told them it was not cool by me. That was a lovely victory.

Anyway Saturday night fresh off a letdown I went out with my friend Kim and her lady friend. We went to see Zola Jesus and it was an amazing show. It was not just an amazing show but it was a great overall night. Kim is one of those friends I can always count on. I really can. She's a doll. I decided not to dwell and color my evening over someone else and to enjoy the night with someone who is dear to me. I woke up Sunday a little worse for wear and my belly hurt from laughing. I will laugh about some of our shenanigans for days to come.

Another friend who is also a co-worker I have known him for 9ish years had my back hard core this weekend. I have been working through the weekend and he has stuck with it. Despite losing the will to live Saturday night, and us both coming in and out of frustration I know I can trust him to stick with me. When I go into production battle he has never not had my back.

Those who have your back are worth it, those who will let you down without a thought not so much. This is not the new information but what I thought about is what the it is. These are the people worth your blood, sweat, tears and authentic self. Everybody else, well I am starting to put a little more of a probationary period into effect. I don't want to and lord knows I am not trying to build any more walls or defense mechanisms. My point is more why should someone who has known me for 6 months get the same treatment as someone who has known me for close to a decade and done right by me in all that time. They shouldn't. Takes time to build that up and letting me down does not build it up that's for damn sure. It's easy to deal with the letdowns though when you take a second to appreciate all the people who don't let you down and never have. They're the keepers and the ones I should continue to invest in and give my best to.

I swoon at Zola. 

Basketball & I

I am not sure I have ever talked about this before, but I love basketball. Love it. I am a huge fan of the Knicks. I try to make it to games as often as I can. Luckily I have a friend who is a ticket broker so I can make this happen. You may or may not have heard of Jeremy Lin. Last week he had a pretty major week in the press and on the court. He's unbelievable. I got to see this Friday night.

The energy at Madison Square Garden was amazing. People were so excited to see Lin play. The guy we've all been hearing about. I love a good underdog story and sports loves it to. This is a Harvard Grad who literally did not give up until he made it off the practice team and into the starting line up. He's made it and he's playing a huge roll in the Knicks winning streak. I went to the game Friday night with one of my guy friends and it was interesting when we were discussing athletes. We came at from such different perspectives. I think part of what fascinates me about athletes is how they have to trust their body. They have a level of trust I can just barely fathom. I would never be able to rely on my body for how I earn a living. They trust theirs implicitly.

I was thinking about this and how often I think my body betrays me. When I feel like I am getting sick it's because my body has turned on me, not because it's cold and flu season. My knee was a little wonky the other day and I was annoyed with it, not thinking about the dance party I had partaken in wearing heels. It's always my body's fault and not my unrealistic standards for it. I try not to ask myself to be perfect. I accept that my body will never look perfect because well what is that, but why do I expect it to act perfect? I mean I am far from a clean living my body is a temple kind of lady so why would I expect my body to not be tired, to not have aches and pains, or to not succumb to illness?

The closest thing I have to an answer is become for the most part my body does right by me and I take that for granted. It's let me be well over 300 pounds and not have health issues, it's let me lose a good portion of that weight without complications, it's healed quickly from surgeries, it got me through cancer, it has very much done right by me. I have few chronic health issues, and the only ones I do have are allergies and anemia and these hardly impact my life and are easily dealt with. I am very lucky. I hugely take this for granted and should maybe just maybe say thank you every once and a while.

Sorry I'm not Sorry

Among the many other things I struggle with one of them is apologizing. Not the act of apologizing I have that down, but when not to apologize. I say sorry a lot. For the most part I can dig it. I try to be polite and aware of others and think this is a good thing. Somewhere I am not okay with apologizing is dating. I had a bit of an epiphany the other day.

I was out with someone and thinking he's okay, not amazing, and I just felt like I was doing a lot of the work. Conversationally I excel. Not just because I am a chatty Cathy but because I want both parties to feel at ease. I can ask questions, have a few stories up my sleeve, and can play the part. I find I attract people in my life who do not play the part. My mom refers to it as the social contract. We all have different contracts. I come to your party, you go to mine, I ask you out, you invite me somewhere. I think we all have our own definition of this. I am a wherever I am the people in my life are welcome kind of girl, if you're a bit shy I will do my best to draw you out, or respect it and let the conversation lull. Socially I am pretty cool on this front. Dating I am not. I refuse to be the one doing all the work. I realized though I have always apologized. I have not necessarily verbalized it, but internally whenever something was off I immediately turned it on myself. I'm sorry I am more outgoing then this person, or I'm too chatty, or I'm too this or that. For a long time the weight was the big thing. I spent so much time internally apologizing for my weight. I do not really do that anymore, but I do sometimes find myself apologizing for my character traits. Why am I apologizing? Why is it a negative? And where does it stop? It can be a slippery slope. I mean I have found myself apologizing for some really ridiculous things, and I tell you what the other person not impressed, and me a little topped up in self loathing. No es bueno. 

I realized out with this guy the other night I have had it all wrong. I am not a straightforward girl. I am layered, and not perfect but I am pretty great and definitely worth knowing. Most importantly for the right guy I am a catch just like each and every one of us. A beige fella with very little he has any passion or interest in is probably not going to be right for me long term. It's hard to find someone right for you period never mind if you have a preference for someone a little off the beaten path. I say this not as a judgement or I am the shit so bow to me men way. I say this as a I have to quit apologizing for not being right for people or them not being right for me. I am right for me so I have to find someone who is a fit and not just a body. I am a handful, but I am also a good friend, girlfriend, and person so I do not feel like I owe someone a favor for putting up with me anymore.   

The more I appreciate myself and what I bring to the table the more I care about what someone else does as well. I see this in many areas of my life and it has caused shifts and changes in my friendships, working relationships and family. It's not easy to evolve and try to reset things you never did in the first place. It's not easy to redefine what you think you are worth and deserve from people. I still feel like I am following a manual and it is not natural. What makes me feel hopeful and that continuing to dig inside myself to understand why I do the things I do is sitting across from someone and thinking yes you are a nice guy but you are not right for me and I am not going to apologize for that or think it's some way that I fell short. Things do not always have to be good or bad thing sometimes it's just a thing that you have to shrug your shoulders at and move on. What I found makes this easier and me more resolved to keep doing it is I really like my life and myself so I rarely feel like I lost something. I feel like okay back to what I do like. Next. 

I have no words, just tears of laughter

I Should be Anti But I'm Not

You can not read anything about music these days without Lana Del Rey being discussed. Love her, hate her I don't care. I find her a little mesmerizing. I do not care if she did not come to this earth with those lips. I do not care if she affected a stage name. I wanna live in this video and not just because of her flowered headdress.