Nope. Do not want.

I had a whole idea of how last week was supposed to go. I was headed out to Portland, Oregon for my first solo mission. I had re-arranged my work out schedule, done my laundry and thought I was headed in the right direction. Nope, not at all how it all played out. 

Tuesday night while working out with my temporary trainer while Jesse's away I tore my right calf muscle. Badly. I couldn't walk Tuesday or Wednesday, was on crutches for a few days and then graduated to a cane. Annoying. The whole thing has been annoying. I was really lucky, the airline credited my flight, hotel cancelled without charging me, Create + Cultivate what I was attending put that towards the event they are throwing in Brooklyn. I basically came out as ahead as I could be for having to cancel a trip the day before it. 

The worst part was being immobilized. I felt so incredibly vulnerable and frustrated. I couldn't do anything besides be patient and just let this run it's course. I totally ate some self pity feelings Wednesday in the form of salted dark chocolate. I felt so defeated and powerless, and like there's nothing I can do wahhh. Thursday I started to turn that thinking around, I can rest, do exercises that are considered pre-hab, eat well to fuel healing, and not make it worse by pushing myself. There's no miracle cure or magic bullet. It's also not my fault, or because of my weight or going to make me fat. I have to remind myself of these things. I am out of commission for at least 2-3 weeks. When I can stretch without pain I can start light activity. 

Almost a week later I've watched the whole series of Orange is the New Black, and highly recommend it. I watched more Arrested Development and still feel undecided about it. My brother offered to send pot to my house to "help" I declined. I ate hot dogs because they are delicious but then prepared a quinoa salad for Sunday dinner as amino acids are my friends right now. I rode the wave, I wanted to burst into tears a few times, but really having to lay around and heal and take percocet is really not the worst fate. It's hard to just sit and and be and take care of yourself but really it's pretty nice. I soaked in the tub last night, and then coated myself head to toe in coconut oil which in retrospect maybe wasn't the wisest idea for someone who's balance is compromised, and then ate a tasty dinner I had made with whole foods, and watched True Blood. Saturday I slept 15 hours, I think I was tired. Today my walking is pretty pretty good, I made everyone check me out in the office like a toddler. I get only occasional muscle spasms and feeling I am being electrocuted every once and a while instead of every few minutes. It's healing, I just have to be patient and let it do it's thing. 

All this being said, instead of pouring one out for my homey right calf, please stretch yours. Don't be like me, I am only half kidding about this. Tight calves are no joke apparently. 

I will drink all of these if I can walk normal tomorrow. 

If You Wanna Think Differently...Then Act Differently.

I hate when people say,"Get over it." I think there are few phrases more dismissive then that. I'm pretty aware that fear is not rational and that feelings are not rational and usually if given a choice I would get over it thank you very much. There are some times though when really you do need to take some steps to get over it.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately centered around ladies who take fashion risks. They wear crazy colored tights, jumpsuits, short shorts, things that I am like oh nooooooo, not for me. Why not? I mean sure some things are best left unseen but there is no real reason I should not be wearing things I want to. I mean these women are no different then I am. I adopt this well they're far braver then I, I could NEVER do that, or her legs are waaaaaay skinnier then mine. Um...No. Why couldn't I? Because I don't have the exact body I want? Because I am not a size whatever? Why? This is a case when really the answer is to get over it. Actually not just to get over it but maybe a more emphatic get the f**k over it. Wear what you want, be who you want regardless of what you look like. You know how you believe and do this more? It's not by magic or the a visit from the Fearless Fairy at night, it's by actually doing it. Ugh, hate when there's no shortcut but such is life.

I really am not a fan of the it's okay for her but not for me attitude. There's no difference between us. Okay maybe someone has a great set of legs they should be dressing to accentuate and someone else has a killer rack but the idea of caring less what others think and more what you like is the same. No one is above or below that. What I really love about some of these ladies is not that they're wearing clothes that a lady of a certain size shouldn't, they are being themselves. They are expressing who they are with what they wear and accepting their bodies, taking risks. Daring to put themselves out there. It's pretty awesome. It's a awesome way of life, and makes for some really stunning outfits.

It's been really positive and influential for me seeing this. Reading what inspires these ladies, what their influences are and how it translates into an outfit. I'm similar. I dress thematically usually. I have an end goal or a place it go inspired from but so often I hold myself back. Lately nope. Short hair, don't care. Sleeveless dresses, ridiculous nail art, skimpy shirts, it's all been fair game to explore and been a lot of fun. More importantly I'm getting over it.

If you have to turn 33, you do so in a ridiculous dress on a chaise lounge. 

I REALLY have a serious girl crush on some of these ladies:

http://www.thefatgirlsguide.com/

http://www.stylepluscurves.com/

http://www.nearsightedowl.com/

http://www.ecarolinewalters.com/

http://kittycatstevens.blogspot.com/

http://fromthereztothecity.blogspot.com/

Cookies & Power

I think of energy as a finite resource. It helps me be more considering of where I use it and when to just drop something. Sure, I could get really worked up about the lady who just stole my cab or I can remember there will be another and save my energy. Something I do not think a lot about is power.

I've been seeing a new nutritionist. A quick recap, Marisa went away on maternity leave, and I started seeing Stephanie. Then Stephanie's husband got transferred so now I am seeing Lindsay. I get around. Lindsay is really cool and I like her. She is very smart and making me see behaviors I am so used to and resigned to differently. I also think having some fresh eyes and ears on old problems is very helpful.

All that being said, she had noticed in my food journal that I had been obsessing over a cookie. Yes, a cookie. A very specific cookie. A delicious amazing s'mores cookie. She also had flagged and pointed out that a lot of my behavior was still very restrictive and my inner dialogue critical and judgmental. No argument there. It's a constant dialogue of keeping myself on the rails. She explained though that with the restriction and the negative dialogue I was giving away my power. She explained I was giving the cookie all the power. I tell you want will stop you for a second and make you listen someone telling you a cookie has all the power. I was removing permission. She emphasized I can have a cookie whenever I want. I have easy access to it, I can allow for it in my daily intake, and I am allowed to have a cookie. A cookie is not bad, wrong, or against myself. It's a cookie. She made me buy a cookie when I did not want it and carry it around in my bag to have it available when I did want it. I was like ohhhh helllll nooooo. I am going to last three seconds, or have constant cookie chatter in my brain, or make it a test of the cookie wills. She said it's an experiment just try to have it when you want it. When your brain fires just ask do you want it. When you want the cookie have it.

This amazingly worked. Thinking of things in terms of permission and power has been really helpful for me. I remind myself I can have whatever I want whenever I want so the question is do I want it? The question is not will it make me fat, or will I think I am gross after.

Thinking about power makes me cringe a little. I do not know why. It just seems so cheesy and overblown a thought, but it's an important one, because I know feeling powerless makes me feel bad. It also is a time when I am very capable of wrecking myself. Finding the flipside of the powerless in being powerful helps set myself up for being more mindful of both emotions and scenarios.

What I really continue to enjoy about the nutritional care I receive is it's never just about food. It always relates back to my life because food is the metaphor. I let the silliest things have power over me like sleeveless dresses. I mean I had my excess skin cut off of my arms and still hesitate to go sleeveless. That is literally one of the dumbest things. What am I waiting for? Bionic arms? This week I made myself eat an ice cream cone in a sleeveless dress because it's hot, and my arms are just fine and ice cream is delicious. My friend James said you look quite smart in that dress. It made me laugh because I do like the dress very much and feel good in it, but I felt smart for realizing the time to do things is now not when your arms are more toned, or to eat the cookie in 3 days because you might be 3 days thinner, it's whenever you decide you want it.