Friday, April 16, 2010

Patties and Spinning

1 york peppermint patty. Love these things. Really happy I had one enjoyed it, and I still have dark chocolate in house, but stayed away. It's processed but I don't feel myself craving it hugely after. Can eat it and be done with the experience. Took a spinning class tonight. I have been hugely intimidated by spinning, only super fit people do that. I am so proud of myself I got over it, tried my best and had a pretty good work out. I didn't stay up the whole time, and didn't even attempt the sprints because I was focusing on survival. I walked on the treadmill for 30 mins after because I felt unsure of my calorie burn. Going to sleep very well tonight I suspect. I bought the chocolate at CVS and it's interesting how much easier it is for me to be around temptation and just not care, or be able to look but not buy. I would pick things up think about it, and just be like nah don't want it. I feel like in some ways I am tempting myself just for the sake of it, and proving to myself I am really living like I suspect that I am. I am living binge free, I am learning how to manage cravings, I am learning how to not eat in secret, I am not only learning these things, but I am actually practicing them. It's very surreal. It was weird for me to at the spinning class to see my reflection and realize I am really starting to not look fat. Only a few minutes ago in the locker room I had caught my reflection and been bummed out I was wider then I thought I was. I just hope one day I won't care and will be more concerned about whether there is a stain on my shirt and not what my hips look like. I hate the self scrutiny. I think part of it this week is because I lost 7 pounds but I feel like from where? Where did it go? I don't look 7 pounds different, but what does 7 pounds look like. It's a mentally exhausting game looking for change that can not always be seen. I am really glad I look now more for rewards like not dying during a spin class.

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