Hard Truths

The truth can be rough but the more I embrace it the easier and more comforting it is. I generally subscribe to being truthful, with myself, my friends, family, across the board. Hiding makes me anxious even if it numbs me for a short period of time.

Of course it's tough sometimes to admit things. You like someone you shouldn't, the family stuff is harder then you want it to be, your life isn't totally where you want it to be. Phewww deep breath now doesn't that feel better? A little bit...

Last week in family therapy it was just my brother and I, my mom had class or something. I am starting to grow more comfortable being around him after a year and a half of separation. However, it's still a dicey situation. For extended periods of time he is totally fine, making valid points and then all of a sudden it's like someone threw you into the deep end with no floaties. I don't know which way is up or what I am really supposed to react to. The only thing I have is my truth. The only thing I can do is be patient, kind, and humble. I can do my damnest to really hear him and try to empathize extracting the meaning of what he is saying.

That being said, I believe mental health is a fight. Some fight harder then others, or have a harder fight but we all fight for it. His pain is no worse, or more valuable then mine. It's his. He talks about accountability and responsibility while saying it's my fault he never expressed himself. It's difficult, it's exhausting, but I see someone who has very little sense of self, very little truth and a lot of fear. Finding the balance of where compassion and boundaries are is a difficult week to week balance.

In trying not to lose my own lessons in someone else I thought about how I seek out clarity, truth and directness to a degree that has to be watched. A word that comes up again and again with me is win, I say to my brother I don't know what you want me to do how do I win? I don't think our relationship is a game, but word choice is revealing. This weekend in a weird situation, I thought to myself, hmm not sure what to do next, how do I win?

There is less vulnerability in winning. You stay ahead, safe, controlled, focused, you move forward. For me there is safety, and containment in winning, and managing others. I look sometimes at my family and think what if I didn't contain, or manage myself constantly? Would I be like them? Would I be like my brother, out of control and blaming everyone but himself? My mom, someone who cannot own any actions of her own? I have no idea. That's not entirely true actually. I am not like my mom or brother in many ways. Many good, and some more negative, but I am not like them at the core. It's worth containing less and exploring more to see what happens.

Magic

I want to start this with so many song lyrics it is not even funny, but the question remains the same. Do you believe in magic? I do. What I like most about the idea of magic is, "magic is a union of faith and action." I love the idea of this. My friend Elba has brought a little magic into my life in many a way.

Initially the magic was of a more practical and tactile variety. She took me to her witchy store where I got a candle made. While I took is seriously, I was a lil yeah, lets see what happens. You tell them what's going on in your life what you want and then they make a suggestion and custom carve your candle. It's pretty badass. I told the lady I felt stuck, stuck creatively, stuck in my love life, and stuck a little in the past. She suggested an uncrossing candle which helps clear out the negativity in your life and things holding you back to determine what you want and how to move forward. Sounds good to me, I'll take one please!

It took me a few days to get around to burning my candle. It's important to focus your thoughts, and intentions. They suggest letting it burn straight for 7 days but if you do not want to do that, every time you relight it you need to focus your intentions. At first I felt a little self conscious and foolish which is revealing in itself. A few days later I looked forward to this part of my day where I would focus my thoughts and take a deep breath and light my candle.

Now, did the candle work? I have no idea, but I do know this. My relationship with my brother is showing tiny signs of improvement. We have been speaking, family therapy is not a total shit show. My mother is coming around to accepting he has either borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Having words to explain him is helpful and healing.

I have been having crazy vivid dreams that are like little movies each night in my noggin'. It has reignited some of my creativity and brainstorming some potential writing ideas.

As for love...I have taken some risks. Friends and I ended up at the SNL after party and a comedian I know vaguely I approached, and we exchanged numbers. We texted a little and I asked him to a knicks game. He couldn't go because he was performing, but I put it out there.

As I said I believe in magic. I not only believe in it, I might venture to say I live for it. It gives you hope, and keeps a sense of wonderment. We don't know what may or may not happen. My friend Elba who is a more recent friend, gives me some friend magic. She's been a great source of support during my family bs and becoming such a dear and great friend. Her birthday was last weekend, and I thought one magical turn deserves another. Birthday-palooza kicked off with a knicks game on Saturday night. Our knicks plans had changed, because her fiancee had to work and then my friend cancelled, but two of my guy friends were able to join us. One friend I see pretty often, the other not so much. The less frequent is a bebe at 25. Elba's convinced he has a crush on me and she's also pretty insistent that I'm creating a lot more of the friendzone then others. She might be entirely right about this. In fact she is. I very much appreciate her honesty and perspective. I also need to mull over a little more why I do this.

We had too much fun and ended up at Pastis at 2am eating oysters, foie gras, and steak sandwiches, laughing, sharing, and toasting. We need to be friends for about 100 years to fit all the things we plan in. Her actual birthday was Sunday and hoping magic would serve me I made a three layer salted caramel cake frosted with a chocolate ganache. To say I was hurting a little Sunday would be an understatement, but I had a feeling it would work out and it did. My lovely friend Jo met me to help me schlep, cake, trifle, prosecco and other party fixin's to Brooklyn, more magic. Every Sunday should be spent with friends, men that flirt with you, rooftops, sunshine, and singing to someone.

Maybe it isn't magic. Maybe it's doing the work, or opening up, or taking more risks, I don't know. I do know I like it. Feeling more connected to what I want from my life and the people in it is a pretty great feeling.

Glitter & my name ooh la la! 

Jo, dear friend, and trifle protector. 

#3 Kenyon Martin, my future husband. 

I can frost a cake after 2 attempts. 

Crush Thoughts

I love a crush. I like crushing on things with triangles on them, wintergreen altoid minis, J.R. Smith of the Knicks and of course the occasional real fella or two. I have a guy friend who's a pretty good friend that I have a crush on. I try to manage it. Not let it spiral, not get too swept up in what does it all mean, but it's tricky. He does things like occasionally hold my hand and these things confuse me. I would list more things that make it confusing but truthfully it makes me feel lame, like I am trying to convince myself and you that I'm not crazy.

I was chatting with a friend about it, and said, "You know the facts remain the same if a guy likes you, he'll do something about it and he doesn't do anything about it." She said, "That's just what we've all been told to believe. What if two insecure people who are friends like each other?" She has a point. Her advice and many others is to just kiss him and see what happens. The thought alone makes me pukey. I try to just shake it off, be friends and leave it at that. It doesn't really work. Our friendship is not completely platonic, but it's not really something else either. Le sigh.

I think part of why I resist making a move is if he rejected me I would probably end the friendship or have to take an extended break, and would feel so so foolish. It's one thing for a first date to blow you off, or for a guy at some bar to not be interested it's a different ball game when it's your friend. I don't know why that is for me, why I just couldn't shake it off and say no bigz. Another reason I do nothing is, I don't think he's a good idea as a relationship which I'm a little more focused on these days. He's got some growing up to do and stuff to sort out and I am not terribly interested in holding his hand during the process. So I don't know what to do with the crush. Ignore it? Act on it? Hope it fades? I've tried stuff, it doesn't seem to work.

Got some advice for me? Anyone? Bueller.....

Oh Winter You Amaze Me

Winter is such a time of the blahs. When it first starts getting cold I feel like I come back to life. A spring in my step with the crisp air. Excited about layers, and wool, but then it's February and it's like will this ever be over. This week I shucked off the blahs and shook up my routine.

I went out not one, not two, but three school nights. I know. I know. I am an old lady who is firmly grounded in my routine. I do not care to deviate from it. I do however like to have fun, and have a tiny case of fear of missing out syndrome. It's a terrible disease. A friend played a show Wednesday night, I went to that, another friend invited me to a play Thursday night, had to go to that, and then tonight dinner and then a visit to the witchy store. I can't. 

My friend Jack who is literally the cutest fella ever on the planet went with me to my friend's show Wednesday. Jack's an aspiring actor, and we were talking about friends performing. I said usually it made me kind of nervous. I said I go because I am happy and excited for them, but honestly it gives me a lot of anxiety. What if things go wrong, what if the audience isn't into it, all this Debbie Downer stuff. So the band began, they had technical issues, but they never lost their footing, and then they hit their stride. It's pretty awesome to get to see your friends do what they really love and enjoy it. That never gets old to me. What I also realized is I had none of my usual anxiety related thoughts. Maybe the better I get at putting myself out there, risking something, the more I can relax when someone else does. They're big boys if something happens they'll survive it. 

Thursday I went to see the play Really Really, and Zosia Mamet is in. It's a really interesting play, contemporary and I was thrilled I got to see it. So who would happen to be two rows in front of my friend and I? Lena Dunham. I nearly lost my ish. We stayed after hoping to get a glimpse of her, maybe say something, maybe ask for an autograph. I cannot tell you how not those girls my friend and I are. We waited halfway down the block like total theater creepers. We started to creep out the other people waiting for the stars by just stopping halfway down the block and staring. Never mind last night was like hanging out in a vat of ice water. Our excitement about Lena Dunham the work she is doing, and the conversations that surround it, warmed us for about a nanosecond. 

When I got home I thought about how lucky I was to get to see people do amazing things, and see amazing people. While I can't be off routine every week,  I have my own goals. I do want to think of how I want my own life to be amazing and that does not always lie in the gym and in meal planning. 

Stats

Typical to my nature, I love/hate stats. I think they can be really cool. I generally do not hugely pay attention to my blogs, I moderately pay attention to my own. It's a lovely thing when they take a turn in your favor. What am I muttering about, well lemme expand below with some numbers I've been digging. 

1. 3.5  the number of inches I've lost since 1/08/13, the only thing that grew on my body was my right calf and it did by a 1/4 inch. What. The. Hell. Shrink you calf jerk. 

2. A new blogger, Ami has listed me in her blogroll and it's sending many a person to gander at my insanity. This makes me so happy, because her blog is delightful! Please go check her out at:

http://achampagnedream.blogspot.com/

3. a million, approximate times I have listed to the below mix, I suggest downloading all of Jeff's mixes.  

https://soundcloud.com/booooooom/oahu-pow-wow-mini-mix

4. 6...days I have felt like crap. I hate having a weirdo cold/virus hybrid thing. I sound like Demi Moore  and feel clammy. I also blame it for eating a whole bag of dark chocolate almonds. Whatevs, almonds happen. 

5. 3 amazing bottles of live algae and green goodness down. I want a million more. 

who knew e3 was delicious?

Chop Chop

I should tell you how weeks 4 & 5 went with my Total Body Makeover, but how fun would that be when there's a haircut to discuss? I did it, I chopped my hair off. It felt awesome. I mean it's hair, it's not like it's a permanent decision. I get these lil bees in my bonnet and generally I HAVE TO DO IT. I just knew I had to cut my hair....so I did. Huzzah!

Last week we had our first family therapy session. I don't even know where to begin with that. Part of me thinks I need to explore my family dynamic with them to undo it, another part of me wants to join the witness protection program and assume an orphan identity. My brother basically laid out for me, he does not like me, he does not enjoy my company and I am a bad sister. What's fascinating to me is that, a lot of when he sites my not being a good sister, is about 3-4 years ago when I started making significant changes in my life towards being healthier. We just do not see eye to eye. He lives in his own universe where everything should go his way and my bucking that makes me bad. For example, he's like you have rules about your apartment and you won't let me come by there when you're not there and that's so selfish and controlling. Okay lets break this down, it's MY apartment, which I own and pay for, number one. Number two, why is he not allowed to be there without me? Well because I repeatedly asked him not to smoke pot there and to clean up after himself when he was there and came home to both an apartment cloaked in pot smoke, and his trash on the table. Yet in his mind I am wrong to ask for boundaries, and I am selfish to not allow him to use my place as a city rest stop. It's difficult to feel hopeful about any healing or resolutions as well when you are at such different ends of the spectrum. We both feel very justified in our thinking and actions.

I stayed on track with my eating despite being tempted not to. I sweated out my annoyance and frustration instead of eating it and kept on moving. Friday night I felt like I got a cosmic reward for enduring family therapy. A friend took me to see Passion Pit. Lawdy, if you can go see them DO IT. Great show. It's interesting with terms like Borderline Personality Disorder being thrown around about my brother the timing. The lead singer of Passion Pit, has had a very public battle with bi-polar. They had to cancel tour dates, he's been hospitalized multiple times, lives his life on medication and yet Friday he played a sold out show at Madison Square Garden during a blizzard. He said to the crowd, 7 months ago they told me I would never tour again. I was a little varklempt. Being mentally healthy is a fight no matter what. I am not sure my brother wants to fight. I think he wants to blame, but we'll see. 

what a way to end a show

hair be gone

Very Important Question (Not Really)

I've been seriously toying with the idea of cutting my hair off. I made an appointment for next weekend. It needs it. My ends are a lot like a broom and it's best I have a week to marinate on a chop. That being said should I go for the below? Do you think it will make me look like Olivia Wilde?

Can I have the cheekbones to please?