A Charming Walk

                                            For the record would definitely take a walk with Jill Scott


I love charm. I am sucker for it. Charming men. Charm bracelets. Lucky charms. Alright you get it. I got a message on the interwebz from one of the more charming and normie guys I have heard from in a while. He did not immediately leap to anything gross, or make me think he might chopping people into bits as one of his hobbies. Things are looking up.

So I have two problems here, one dumb one larger. The dumb one, his offer to hang out...a nice fall walk around a park. Seriously, someone clue me into what the walk trend is?! Some friends have been like whatever that's not a real date they should man up and take you on a date. I was not even going there. I mean I had not even delved into it representing the date level value I am being assigned. Great. Awesome. Another thing to analyze. I am just hung up on why just about every single dude I encounter lately puts that out there.

My second problem and this is the one that's an actual problem is I am so seriously afraid of dating. I know I went on my lil dating binge a ways back but I was not actually interested in most of the guys so I get a half credit. I am REALLY trying to break through some personal bullshit and make myself put myself out there. Easier said then done. It's like having better body image. Easy to say, REALLY hard to practice. I would like more then anything for a guy I respect, and who's opinion I value to accept me for who I am but I am highly skeptical of this. It doesn't help that my history supports more of my side then another one. I have never had a healthy relationship, and my familial male relationships were conditional and far from accepting. I am trying to move past it and the more I try to move forward the more I see I need to address.

I want it to be my weight. I say to people the guys I want to date want a girl 20-30 pounds lighter then me. There is probably a teeny tiny amount of truth to that. I mean lets say out of 10 dudes I would be interested in maybe 1 would feel that way. Who knows but I think it's far less then I think it is and not the given I make it. I default to my body and hiding behind it because it's what I know, it's a safe and comfortable place for me. I do that well. I do not really want to actually see that the walls I built up very young to keep myself from really being with someone are a little more shored up then I'd like.

I read an article recently if you want to date someone great be someone great. I think overall I am pretty great, and being great has very little to do with what you look like or what you weigh. I also do not ask of anyone anything I am not willing to offer myself. I do not care if you have a six pack, make a bajiliion dollars, or speak 7 languages. Cool if you do, but I do not have a checklist for a fantasy person. Why do I assume any and all guys I meet have one and more importantly why do I assume I am not getting checks?  I guess more then anything I worry more about my own issues and insecurities being reinforced instead of being proved wrong. I would love to be wrong. In fact I am banking on it.

The first step is seeing that the walls, issues, and irrational cray. The second step, messaging the guy back which I did. We'll see. One foot in front of the other.