He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Who Cares

My therapist keeps calling me out on the fact that I am not really dating and not really putting myself out there. She is not wrong and I no longer try to deny it. Ahhh therapy, expensive honesty. I still maintain not one but two on-line dating profiles but I do next to nothing about it. Recently however I have been making teeny tiny steps forward. So far these steps forward have not been rewarded by some huge jump in male interest, much like eating celery sticks for two snacks will not result in a ten pound weight loss. Interesting how our mindsets are always with us no matter what the topic at hand is...

So on to these teeny tiny steps. Step number one, I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner and trying to hail a cab. A guy on a bike stopped me and proceeded to gush at me telling me how gorgeous he thought I was, and was there anyway I was single and could he possibly take me to coffee. At first he made me wildly uncomfortable. He described me as hot, and I immediately wanted to be like nuh huh. You are wrong sir. Instead I laughed because he was kinda awkward, and nerdy, he started selling himself, my name's Mark, I'm a photographer, uhm I've been in NY for 6 months and it was endearing. Finally I said you know what I'll give you my number. He was very surprised I agreed and so was I but hey I complain with the on-line dating that guys are going to meet me and say I'm too fat, here right before me is a guy asking to go out with me, just give him your number. I finally said I have to get into a cab, he started to get a little too much and I told him to quit while he was ahead, and he said I am going to call you tomorrow. I headed off to dinner feeling like a million bucks. He however never called. I obsessed for a hot second thinking about it, maybe I put my number in wrong, maybe he got blackout drunk that night and forgot, maybe, maybe, maybe, but what I did not lose sight of is I did something I do not usually do and that matters to me. That helps me, and who cares about him. 

Teeny tiny step number two, a dude on the interwebz indicated some interest so I messaged him. He messaged back, I messaged again and now he's gone silent. I have no idea why, but I know this it's not about me because well he's never met me. I quit standing up against the proverbial wall and put myself out there and guess what...It didn't actually kill me despite what I think. 

Step three a guy friend of mine is sort of shifting our relationship. I cannot tell if he's interested or what but he's behaving differently. Way more attentive, he's called me and who calls anymore, and been very insistent on plans. He's A LOT younger then me, like so much younger I cannot bare to type it out. Instead of immediately smacking it down, or ignoring the whole damn thing I made plans with him. I don't know what's going on, and I could attempt to negatively fortune tell but why not just go with it and see what happens. He's attractive, smart and kind and the only guy who's ever cooked me dinner so there are about a million things that would be worse then him being interested in me. Scratch that there are probably a bajillion. 

 Taking lil steps forward help me feel more confident and less like I am sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked. None have really gone anywhere, ended with anything, if the where and the thing is a guy. Sitting on the shelf waiting to be picked is some dangerous territory though. It implies you are complacent in your decisions, and maybe not happy in your life. I live my life and I like it. Sharing it with someone scares me but just sitting around and waiting for some guy to come along and just see how awesome I am is ridiculous and scares me more. I mean I know I'm awesome, but it's probably best demonstrated and not living in my head like a teen movie even though I am pretty sure life works like Easy A or She's All That.